robina

I just got a phone call from my alcoholic daughter. She is sad about a number of things. She was crying, and she told me she was in the hospital last week for "cutting". The last time that happened (July), she cut her wrists. I asked her: "did you cut you arms or was it your wrists". She was evasive and said it was complicated. She said that they considered admitting her to the psych ward, but obviously that didn't happen.

Anyway, she is sad and crying about a number of thing. She also said that she is only going to one AA meeting a week.

I told her I would drive to her place (40 mnute drive) and I would take her to lunch. It sounded like she needed some companionship and comforting and I wanted to do that for her.

Considering that her difficulties are due to her drinking, (her alcoholism is "active"), and considering that she is not doing a lot to make her situation much better, is my driving to her place to offer comfort ennabling?

I'm also very hesitant to discuss her drinking with her. When she told me she was just going to drink anyway, all I said was: "that's your decision". I didn't want to get dragged into a dramatic scene, talking about something I have no control over. ...But it's so hard to know what to say and what to do.

I'm going to her place now, but some perspective on this would be really helpful. I'm not thinking too clearly right now.

Robin

TomsGirl

Robin, I think it's ok to take her to lunch and to visit. You are enabling when you try to fix things for them but as we all know it's certainly ok when we "detach with love". Lunch is not enabling. It's well, it's lunch!

Take care, Janet

FriendofBill

I agree with Tomsgirl..........

Have lunch, have fun, spead love.

Just dont get sucked in to saving, giving, loaning, doing etc...

Its just lunch..and lunch is a good thing!

robina

Thanks. I just got back from lunch (Subway - nice and healthy). She seemed in better spirits when I arrived at her place. By doing this, I'm letting her know I care enough to drive up and spend some time with her.

I did get sucked into buying some stuff for her at the pharmacy, though, so I still have some work to do with setting boundaries and detaching. Progress not perfection...

Thanks for the support

Robin

MamaGoose

Hi robina,
Enabling is doing something for someone when that person is perfectly capable of doing it themselves.
Offering comfort is not enabling. Buying the stuff at the pharmacy was.
We all live and learn.
Stay strong and prayers for you and your daughter.

equus

Too right!! I'm glad you went...

Take care

rookknight65

Hi Robin,
I know I'm new here and to the alcoholism experience. Over the last couple of weeks you have given me a lot of encouragement and helpful advice and I really appreciate it. This type of behavior is something I have a lot of experience with. I've been a psychatric nurse for ten years in a state facility and see this type of behavior on a weekly basis.
Self-mutilation is certainly a cry for help. It's not usually a suicide attempt but it is a sign of incredible frustration and pain and is certainly attention-seeking behavior. People who cut find release from their internal pain when they express it physically in some way. It makes their pain tangible and makes their internal struggle go away for awhile (just like drinking does). Unfortunately it doesn't last long and they do it more and more frequently.
It's like having a sore toe and someone hitting you on the head with a hammer. You say "Why did you do that? and they say "Bet you forgot all about your sore toe huh?"
It can become addictive and all too many young women continue to do it more and more frequently when they discover that the external reactions (reactions form family and hospital staff) provide the attention that they seek. I've seen patients with hundreds of these scars up and down both arms. It's really heartbreaking.
As far as your enabling, I'm not qualified to say yet. I'm still learning from Al-Anon, my reading and you guys in here. This situation though is serious and needs to be addressed by a psychiatrist as soon as possible. If she's done it twice now, she will do it again and again. It sounds like she wants an alternative to AA and doesn't want to quit drinking and this is a way to say that really loudly. Just remember, there's more going on here. I wish you and her the best. Good Luck Girl.

reader

Hi Robin, she is your daughter and you love her. Being there to show her how loved she is never enabling. She needed her mom. If you hadn't gone you would have stayed home and worried. You practiced self love in my opinion. No matter how old or how confused we are nothing is better than what I call mother love. Its unconditional!!!!