Whaddya mean "can't get someone sober"?
1000 Post Club
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Whaddya mean "can't get someone sober"?
I mean, I had a plan? A good plan.
Was gonna tell him face to face that we love him. That he is important to us. that we care.That it hurts to see him hurting, that we want him healthy. That we miss him................That we need him not to die.
Then, as my plan was to suceed, he would listen thoughtfully, share his inner-most feelings, humbly admit that he needed help and would seek it immediately.
But....my plan had a few holes in it. Alcoholism is, I found, much stronger than my plan. It has muscles more mighty than my little human mind could have predicted.
The response was not as my plan had projected. In fact, I realized about 5 minutes in our meeting that my former husband had not even shown up for the meeting, his disease did. I mean, it looked sorta like him, but certainly didnt sound a thing like the man I used to know.
His disease was bitterly and brutally angry, blamed me for all the things wrong with him. Told me how awful I am and the terrible things Ive done to cause harm and pain in J's life. Instantly, I knew this was not the man, but his disease coming out to wreak havoc and destruction.
I begged the disease to go away, to let the man come out and hear & speak with an open heart. Alcoholism bascially told me to shove it, that aint gonna happen, that it had total control over this man's mind, heart and soul. Seems no amount of tears, of love, could do it. He ranted that he would go back to AA, on his terms, and in his time, not mine. Didnt know if the disease was just trying to hush me up or not.
I gave him the copy of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, the copy that he had given to me years ago, in his attempt of helping me get back into recovery. He didnt want to take it at first, but he did.
So then.....I did the only thing I could do. I surrendered.
I let go of trying to be heard, I let go of the emotional tug of war and hung my head in defeat of the most dreaded disease that has ever hit my family. I let alcoholism do what it does......
Then.........the feeling appeared. Relief. The relief of letting go of something more powerful than myself. The relief of being able to identify and accept that no human power can get someone to see what their disease just wont allow them to see. The relief of turning over to my God this horrible pain and knowing, just knowing, that he will do for me, and this man, what I certainly know I cannot.
As I sat in the car with him, thinking that this is not the way things are supposed to be....he spoke the most incredible words.....
" Yes they are, things are just the way they are to be, you cant control how its supposed to be". Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Alcoholism was begining to lose its grip on him? He was talking, kinda, like how he used to, when sober.
Then he says "You gotta leave it to God". Whoa!
He....still....is...alive....somewhere inside. When he got out of my car, he thanked me for giving him the book. Wow.
PS.....After, I went to my noon meeting, shared it, cried it out. Felt ton's better. Then he calls and says "It was nice seeing you today".
Wow.
There is hope. There is always hope.
Was gonna tell him face to face that we love him. That he is important to us. that we care.That it hurts to see him hurting, that we want him healthy. That we miss him................That we need him not to die.
Then, as my plan was to suceed, he would listen thoughtfully, share his inner-most feelings, humbly admit that he needed help and would seek it immediately.
But....my plan had a few holes in it. Alcoholism is, I found, much stronger than my plan. It has muscles more mighty than my little human mind could have predicted.
The response was not as my plan had projected. In fact, I realized about 5 minutes in our meeting that my former husband had not even shown up for the meeting, his disease did. I mean, it looked sorta like him, but certainly didnt sound a thing like the man I used to know.
His disease was bitterly and brutally angry, blamed me for all the things wrong with him. Told me how awful I am and the terrible things Ive done to cause harm and pain in J's life. Instantly, I knew this was not the man, but his disease coming out to wreak havoc and destruction.
I begged the disease to go away, to let the man come out and hear & speak with an open heart. Alcoholism bascially told me to shove it, that aint gonna happen, that it had total control over this man's mind, heart and soul. Seems no amount of tears, of love, could do it. He ranted that he would go back to AA, on his terms, and in his time, not mine. Didnt know if the disease was just trying to hush me up or not.
I gave him the copy of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, the copy that he had given to me years ago, in his attempt of helping me get back into recovery. He didnt want to take it at first, but he did.
So then.....I did the only thing I could do. I surrendered.
I let go of trying to be heard, I let go of the emotional tug of war and hung my head in defeat of the most dreaded disease that has ever hit my family. I let alcoholism do what it does......
Then.........the feeling appeared. Relief. The relief of letting go of something more powerful than myself. The relief of being able to identify and accept that no human power can get someone to see what their disease just wont allow them to see. The relief of turning over to my God this horrible pain and knowing, just knowing, that he will do for me, and this man, what I certainly know I cannot.
As I sat in the car with him, thinking that this is not the way things are supposed to be....he spoke the most incredible words.....
" Yes they are, things are just the way they are to be, you cant control how its supposed to be". Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Alcoholism was begining to lose its grip on him? He was talking, kinda, like how he used to, when sober.
Then he says "You gotta leave it to God". Whoa!
He....still....is...alive....somewhere inside. When he got out of my car, he thanked me for giving him the book. Wow.
PS.....After, I went to my noon meeting, shared it, cried it out. Felt ton's better. Then he calls and says "It was nice seeing you today".
Wow.
There is hope. There is always hope.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Friend... 25 years ago, I was resigned to the fact my mother was going to die. I was 24 years old and living on my own, and had been for years. My mother had been drinking since I was 11, and the progression of the disease seemed so FAST to me.
Overnight, she went from a fun mom who lead the Brownie troop and made me matching shorts for her house dress to a woman who screamed from the minute she hit the door after work, until she passed out three hours later ... if we were lucky. She went from "mom" to "that bi!ch" to me and my siblings. Never a great housekeeper, she went from cluttered to "ohmygod... that's MOVING!" She fought with dad, with her coworkers, with the neighbors. She had affairs - sometimes in our home.
I went to her and told her I loved her and she scared me - that I thought she was going to die. She climbed into my car and I drove her to the hospital where she detoxed from alcohol... they kept her in the psych ward because she was hallucinating. Two months later, she went back to drinking.
The next year, my brother went through the same speech, the same hospital...the same DT's. A few weeks later, the same results... Alcohol had her and wasn't going to let her go.
She was wrecking cars and wreaking havoc. And now she was dying. Her skin and eyes were yellow, her face was swollen and she had bruises all over her body... she would bruise if you shook her hand, and she weighed almost nothing. My sister had just had the first grandchild and mom cried at a family gathering when she wasn't allowed to hold the baby because she had been drinking... she was almost too pitiful to hate.
I was at work, and Nanny, my mother's mom called me. She hadn't heard from mom and couldn't get ahold of her. Would I please drive out there to see if she was "ok". I knew what she meant - she wanted me to go see if mom was dead, yet. I didn't want to, but I was the oldest and nanny couldn't go, so I drove the 20 miles to her house trying to remember if I knew what to do if you find somebody dead in their home... we didn't have 911 back then.
When I got there, she LOOKED dead... she was sitting in her chair, in a robe, hunched over like she had fallen asleep sitting up ... not unusual for her. But then she moved, so I pretended to get something out of the kitchen. I told her I was just checking on her, then saw something different on her face... a little more alertness, I think.
For whatever reason, mom had picked that week to stop drinking. She didn't call anyone. She didn't go to the hospital. She just sat there and detoxed on her own. Knowing what I know now, I would never have just walked away... but I was 24 and I didn't know that detoxing from alcohol could have killed her. So we got lucky - she lived.
Today she has 25 years sober. She has never explained exactly what it was that motivated her to get sober. It was probably a combination of things. But I know she didn't do it for any person... she did it because she needed to do it for herself.
My mom was in there all along... she hadn't gone anywhere. We were both changed by her drinking... and some of the changes I thought were terrible, have turned out to be the very things I have used as strength in my current life to get me through some damned hard times.
If all of this was part of HP's plan - then I am in even MORE awe at the complexity and timing of all the events that have together to make each of us who we are.
I am not yet "grateful" for the addiction/alcoholism in my life - but it sure seems a lot more "useful" or "intentional" than it did to me 25 years ago. Perceptions change over time.... I hope NOW is the time for your husband.
(((FOB)))
Overnight, she went from a fun mom who lead the Brownie troop and made me matching shorts for her house dress to a woman who screamed from the minute she hit the door after work, until she passed out three hours later ... if we were lucky. She went from "mom" to "that bi!ch" to me and my siblings. Never a great housekeeper, she went from cluttered to "ohmygod... that's MOVING!" She fought with dad, with her coworkers, with the neighbors. She had affairs - sometimes in our home.
I went to her and told her I loved her and she scared me - that I thought she was going to die. She climbed into my car and I drove her to the hospital where she detoxed from alcohol... they kept her in the psych ward because she was hallucinating. Two months later, she went back to drinking.
The next year, my brother went through the same speech, the same hospital...the same DT's. A few weeks later, the same results... Alcohol had her and wasn't going to let her go.
She was wrecking cars and wreaking havoc. And now she was dying. Her skin and eyes were yellow, her face was swollen and she had bruises all over her body... she would bruise if you shook her hand, and she weighed almost nothing. My sister had just had the first grandchild and mom cried at a family gathering when she wasn't allowed to hold the baby because she had been drinking... she was almost too pitiful to hate.
I was at work, and Nanny, my mother's mom called me. She hadn't heard from mom and couldn't get ahold of her. Would I please drive out there to see if she was "ok". I knew what she meant - she wanted me to go see if mom was dead, yet. I didn't want to, but I was the oldest and nanny couldn't go, so I drove the 20 miles to her house trying to remember if I knew what to do if you find somebody dead in their home... we didn't have 911 back then.
When I got there, she LOOKED dead... she was sitting in her chair, in a robe, hunched over like she had fallen asleep sitting up ... not unusual for her. But then she moved, so I pretended to get something out of the kitchen. I told her I was just checking on her, then saw something different on her face... a little more alertness, I think.
For whatever reason, mom had picked that week to stop drinking. She didn't call anyone. She didn't go to the hospital. She just sat there and detoxed on her own. Knowing what I know now, I would never have just walked away... but I was 24 and I didn't know that detoxing from alcohol could have killed her. So we got lucky - she lived.
Today she has 25 years sober. She has never explained exactly what it was that motivated her to get sober. It was probably a combination of things. But I know she didn't do it for any person... she did it because she needed to do it for herself.
My mom was in there all along... she hadn't gone anywhere. We were both changed by her drinking... and some of the changes I thought were terrible, have turned out to be the very things I have used as strength in my current life to get me through some damned hard times.
If all of this was part of HP's plan - then I am in even MORE awe at the complexity and timing of all the events that have together to make each of us who we are.
I am not yet "grateful" for the addiction/alcoholism in my life - but it sure seems a lot more "useful" or "intentional" than it did to me 25 years ago. Perceptions change over time.... I hope NOW is the time for your husband.
(((FOB)))
Guest
Posts: n/a
That's Awesome. Thanks for sharing that story.
**{Hugs}}
Unfortunately, a great many people don't see or realize this. A passage in the Bible (Proverbs 29: 18), makes a very strong statement; "My people perish for lack of vision." Hope is an integral part of this spiritual vision.
There is hope. There is always hope.
Unfortunately, a great many people don't see or realize this. A passage in the Bible (Proverbs 29: 18), makes a very strong statement; "My people perish for lack of vision." Hope is an integral part of this spiritual vision.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: falls church, va
Posts: 113
(((FOB)))
It is probably one of the hardest things to do....watch someone die from their addiction. I am watching my mom die from hers right now and the hardest thing I think I will ever do is move out of her house and let her live the life she is living now. I have absolutely no control over her disease, her inability to walk away from the bottle.
BigSis....I pray everyday when I leave work that I will not find my mom dead on the couch. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I really hope that my mother makes the same decision as yours.....soon.
It is probably one of the hardest things to do....watch someone die from their addiction. I am watching my mom die from hers right now and the hardest thing I think I will ever do is move out of her house and let her live the life she is living now. I have absolutely no control over her disease, her inability to walk away from the bottle.
BigSis....I pray everyday when I leave work that I will not find my mom dead on the couch. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I really hope that my mother makes the same decision as yours.....soon.
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
(I dunno where the old "slaphead" smiley disappeared to, so that one'll have to do...)
So many times, I crafted the perfect words to say---in the perfect pitch, perfect tone of voice, perfect facial expression---so that she would hear what I just knew she needed to know in order to get her to make the change I just knew she needed to make... the change that would save her life, save our relationship, and make everything all better. The result?
She moved back to NY eleven years ago and we no longer speak (my boundary, a real sanity-saver).
This disease lures me in by giving the appearance of not really being there. If only the people in my life with this disease would, like, change color or something when their disease is active! "Oh, look! She's turned bright purple. Better stay away for a bit..." Unfortunately, they (just like me) look exactly the same whether the disease is actively in charge or not. It's the attitudes and behaviors that give it away.
I used to wish that my mom could just be "my mom", and not "my mom who's also an addict", but that's who she is. I love her, I hate her disease, and I let her do what she needs to do with regard to that disease, as hard as that can be.
I know where to go to get some more of the same ol' pain. So far today, I have chosen not to go there. It's only through painful trial-and-error that I have learned to do this.
I'm sorry for your pain, FoB. I know that you will grow from this. As I've read in the AA 12x12, "Pain is the touchstone of all spiritual growth".
Growth sucks sometimes.
1000 Post Club
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
thank you, all, who share in this thread. It brings much peace to me to know that I am not alone.
Another "wow" moment just took place as he just dropped off some ski clothes of my son's that I asked for,,he promised them for tomorrow, but is a day early. Wow!
That he actually did it is something, a day early, is incredible. He says he wants to attend my son's school concert tomorrow night. thats a good thing.
BigSis....what a story of your Mothers miracle...it brings me much hope!Thank you for sharing that...
and Mr. NCP....your posts is a good example of your acceptance. I need that, keep telling me that!
hugs to you guys....mega-hugs!
Another "wow" moment just took place as he just dropped off some ski clothes of my son's that I asked for,,he promised them for tomorrow, but is a day early. Wow!
That he actually did it is something, a day early, is incredible. He says he wants to attend my son's school concert tomorrow night. thats a good thing.
BigSis....what a story of your Mothers miracle...it brings me much hope!Thank you for sharing that...
and Mr. NCP....your posts is a good example of your acceptance. I need that, keep telling me that!
hugs to you guys....mega-hugs!
Reikihelps
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: PA
Posts: 221
Dear FoB,
For more than 10 years I worked on a crisis team, doing interventions that "raised the bottom" for at-risk teens. Our goal was to provide options so they could get the help they desperately needed. I did this in addition to a fulltime teaching position(whichI love) and found it to be challenging, often frustrating, and most often rewarding.
Now as I watch my son continue in an active addiction, I am acutely aware that I am powerless over this process. There is nothing I can say or do that will control or influence my son's disease. Every now and then I slip and think that if I just say the right thing or provide the right solution, everything will be ok. The pain that comes with this disease teaches me that is not so. Your post, F o' B, reminded me yet again where the hope is. It's not in my power - only in my HP's. For today, I lift my fears and let go believing that God is the hope I long for. And God is present even when I am unaware that that is so.
thanks for the post. It helped me today.
affectionately,
Reikihelps
For more than 10 years I worked on a crisis team, doing interventions that "raised the bottom" for at-risk teens. Our goal was to provide options so they could get the help they desperately needed. I did this in addition to a fulltime teaching position(whichI love) and found it to be challenging, often frustrating, and most often rewarding.
Now as I watch my son continue in an active addiction, I am acutely aware that I am powerless over this process. There is nothing I can say or do that will control or influence my son's disease. Every now and then I slip and think that if I just say the right thing or provide the right solution, everything will be ok. The pain that comes with this disease teaches me that is not so. Your post, F o' B, reminded me yet again where the hope is. It's not in my power - only in my HP's. For today, I lift my fears and let go believing that God is the hope I long for. And God is present even when I am unaware that that is so.
thanks for the post. It helped me today.
affectionately,
Reikihelps
1000 Post Club
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Im glad it helped you.
I post my defeats to learn, to remember, to accept.
And knowing it helps others is icing on the cake.
And it actually turns into a victory, of sorts.
I post my defeats to learn, to remember, to accept.
And knowing it helps others is icing on the cake.
And it actually turns into a victory, of sorts.
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