Sally

Hi everyone I see there has been many changes to the web site since I last visted........alot of changes in my life aswell. I feeling a little stressed today. make a long story short..my hubby has been sober for 2 yr's now. that's great I know. I just haven't been able to get my head back into the marrige. I've realized that things will never be as they were as everything has changed. Most of the time I feel as if Im just putting time in..(doing time). going through the motions of day to day routines. I just don't have the heart to invest anymore in him....I can't afford to open my heart up to him....I closed up shop....and I can't let him in....This of course is a very empy and lonely feeling....not much different to when he was drinking full blast. I now I should be greatfull that he is sober....and I m. but I guess Iam still angry too.....because his problem did affect my life so much in the past that iam just refuse to let it control my life the way it used to. I've let go....and the reality of that is....I now have a life of my own....my own Identily.....and Im not as giving as I used to be.....Ive sacrificed myself.....too much......is that what love and relationships are all about.....or am i just looking for excuses to hang on to a dead relationship....I guess that's what my trouble is......90 percent of me.....wants a divorce......and the other half is too scared and unsure....My (A) has been in a pissy mood the last few day's and that just pushes me completly away......I just don't want to deal with it.....I have No tollerance anymore.........there's no intimacy anymore....half my fault...I'm cold and distant.....I just keep thinking to myself....The only reason he's reaching out to me is cause Iam the only one.....within reach...... anyone would do.....and I feel repulsed........anyway just needed to vent.....and any feed back would be greatly appreciated.....thanks Sally (cold heart)

Zoey

Welcome back Sally... It will help greatly to come back here and vent.
I have no words of wisdom, except I think I understand.
HUGS

Sally

thanks for you'r reply, I was horrified to see tha no one had responded to my post....my heart sank a little..... thanks..
I felt much better even after I wrote this morning.....It cleared my head a little, better. for the last yr or so, I really haven't disscussed any thing with anyone.....I just buried it and moved on....I felt i needed a break from the misery of it all.....and it worked only.....i find i reallyneed someone to vent to. To talk to and I really don't want to spill to anyone else in my life... .so this message board is myanswer......and I thank you for your response........

minnie

Hi there Sally and welcome back. Sorry I didn't do it sooner.

I have no experience of living with a recovering alcoholic, I'm afraid. Have you thought of counselling or Al-anon? Does your husband work any kind of programme?

And please don't say you have a cold heart - I am sure that isn't true.

Looking forward to getting to know you.

pmaslan

Hi Sally and welcome back...
I can understand your reluctance to move on and possibly divorce you H.
However, it doesn't sound like you are enjoying life very much in your present
situation. Have you been to alanon lately?
If you feel that you will never feel anything for your H again, it is time to move forward.
Yes, it is scarry but I can not imagine living life as you described in your post.
We are here for you anytime you need to vent.....(((Sally)))
and don't stay away so long.....

Cynay

Welcome back.... sorry I have not posted sooner.

Yep, divorce and walking away is a scarry thing to do. I dont have an experience of how to reopen my heart once it was completely closed... but if your there it is probably not completely closed.

I have to ask too, is he working a program? Are you in recovery with Al-anon or counceling???? I dont know how anyone could do it on their own, I know I could not.

We are always here come vent anytime you want... I look forward to getting to know you!

Sally

thanks very much for your replies....As I mentioned I felt much better after I posted. Feeling a little quilty for saying I wanted a divorce.....and your right I still must have my heart open abit if Iam still hear....although I do feel as if I've blocked out My A....I've been hurt too much in the past....and it just drives me crazy to care too much. I have been to every sort of councelling there is available.....I burnt myself out....and as I mentioned felt like I was stuck in the misery of rehashing everything.....I felt I needed to let it go for a while and just focus on me. with out any kind of influence from the out side. I was feeling brain washed and i couldn't hear my own thoughts....i was so confused as to what was right what was wrong....I got stuck and had to just let it all go.....I have revolved my life around acholism.....co-denpendency.....and tried everything know to man....read every self-help, motivational book......and I've come to the decision....or the conclusion...that I really cant improve myself anymore...(half joke).and Iam not even going to try.....Iam tired.....and Iam excepting me for me....as I am. I am about as good as Iam going to get.
Iam not focusing my life around my A anymore.....as I used to ....I thought I could never survive without him before....I was one of those wives who.....tinkered around and polished stuff all day, and tended to the babies i stayed home with.....the house was perfect , I was the perfect wife....and it just didn't matter.....I didn't know anything about my mortgage or would be so dammed intimidated to go to the bank for anykind of appointment....ext....He was the master I was the little wife.....I didn['t think i could get a job.....and was completly devastated at the thought of living without him.....it nearly drove me insane.....I was so codepedant that i didn't even have a mind of my own.....I thought about him constantly...his needs ext.....I managed.....to detach enough now.....though....I am a different person... it's a different stage of my life.....I've moved on from that time and made alot of changes.....I have come along way....I guess we all think that if our A's just stop drinking, our worlds would be perfect....well...of course it's not....life is never perfect not for anyone...Life is hard , relationships are hard....I know all of that......i guess i just feel lonely cause Iam scared to let him in again.....even though we've been living together we are detached....I haven't felt married since the last time we separated...I mean emotionaly I think were already divorced....and Iam so lonely.....Ive been M.B.L( Married but looking) I know thats terrible....I haven't acted on anything just kind of had that in my head....and I think to my self if anyone comes along.....and I fall in love I'm leaving your ass..... I know thats messed up thinking but it' the truth.....I guess that comes from my anger.....I think he's a good guy now he's come along way also.....he's probably lonely too......anyway now that I've bombbarded you with my venting for the day....and revealed my Ill mind.......(my sinful thouts)

Cynay

We all probably think things like that when we are in a relationship and not happy, and for me it always seems the more unhappy I am in a relationship.... sure enough every happy couple in the world is in my direct view.....

Just dont act on anything... it will only cause more problems. If you really feel that way and you dont want to work it out, then maybe you should consider a seperation. It would give you time and space (and him) to decide what you really want to do, it could also give you a much different view of life.

The grass may always look greener on the other side, but there is alot to be said for a relationship that goes through hell and comes back strong. I have heard couples say that their relationship is better and stronger after they got through something. (affairs etc) ... I dont know personally but I have heard it many time.

Just a though, you have to decide what is right for you

Zoey

Sally, Haveyou ventured out to find a job?? What age are the childern???

Sally

yes dear I did venture out and get a job....I've been working for 5 yrs.....3 kids, youngest is 8......I have over come my dependance on my husband. Not in the same way as I used to. anyway. As soon as I knew that my marriage was in trouble I feared I would be looking after the kids on my own so I started to take steps so that I'd be able to do that....and I have....as I mentioned I certainly have come along way...it's like they say.....if one spouse is treated like a child....that child grows up, gets independant...grows wings....and before I probably felt as if I were stuck....now i know I have options....I have choices....that's the hard part, I guess my reasons for remaing have also changed.... thanks for responding

Zoey

Good Girl... You have done very well.
Wish I had words of wisdom, but do not. Looks like you are good to go, but then that is where the hard part comes.
Keep coming back.

limboland

Hi Sally,
Wow, your post sure hit home with me. Don't know if you've read any of my previous posts, but I'm fairly new here. What you said about your marriage is exactly what I've been feeling (& fearing if I stayed in my marriage), but have been unable to articulate as well as you did.

I just decided to call it quits on my marriage of 22 years even though my husband quit drinking a couple months ago. It's hard to explain to those on the "outside", but I feel such a huge sense of relief not to be in the land of limbo, trying to decide whether to give it a try or not. I, too, have been in counseling & learning how to listen to my "inner voice" which has been telling me loud & clear what's best for me once I really listened. Luckily, the youngest of my 3 kids is 15 & they're all taking it remarkably well. As for my H, well, he is not doing so well, but I am praying that he still maintains his sobriety through all of this & becomes a happy sober person. I guess my whole point of posting is to give you hope & encourage you to listen to your inner voice to help you make the right choice for you. Good luck & keep us posted!