Letter To My AH
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Tenneessee
Posts: 30
Letter To My AH
11-5-2005 PM
Dear AH:
Today I sit alone again crying, I’m sick to my stomach. I feel so awful, sad and don't know what to do. I felt I had to do something, so I‘m writing this letter to you on SOBER RECOVERY site.
After I left you in 6-2005 you were mad and said that I could have packed a suitcase, gone to a motel for a week instead of taking ½ the household stuff and just moving out. I left because I could not go through what you and I went through the last few years before your treatment, 1992: your drinking, lying, blaming me for everything wrong in your life, your alcoholic behaviors when you were drunk - awake and asleep, the other women - also alcoholics, you lack of physical & emotional affection unless you were drunk, ugly things you said to me - you were always mad at me & would not talk, you just let me cry, you would not talk about problems, health problems you went through, leaving me & than coming back home over & over again - telling your friends I kept kicking you back out of the home. You would come home & ask for my help then disappear again for weeks -I worried if anything happened to you, drove around hours looking for you. You only let me sit by and watched while you went down hill fast.
I thought we had a new beginning 13 years ago, after your treatment. I was so shocked to learn you were drinking again, after 13 years sober. Your reasons were: you did not know how to handle my 3 mini strokes in 10-2004 and my mothers heart surgery in 11-2004 - how dare you blame us. We are now right back to 5-1992 before you went to treatment. Why have you started drinking again????
Now days and months have gone by since I left, I’m so mad at GOD and you, yet I know I need to get myself healthily. I cry everyday, I don’t like this awful sickness in my chest and stomach. Yes I’m addicted to you and you know it, you even told me you know what I am thinking and doing - yes you are right on target with all of it. You know if I don't hear from you for 3 days I start to get myself together, than you call and I have to start all over again.
You know your red flags, you Big Book is accessible right now, yet it remains on the shelf. You know what you have to do, but, your not to do anything. You did not to go to AA 13 years ago, I did not continue with Alanon. I'm releaning the 12 steps, I can now see where you stopped working your 12 steps program. I don't understand your physical addiction to alcohol, I feel I understand the psychological affects.
In 7-2005 I asked you about getting into counseling, you lead me to believe we were going to go. I got all the information for you - as the alcoholic the therapist required you to call - and gave you the phone number. In 8-2005 you said you were going to call but kept forgetting the phone number at home. In 9-2005 you said you would call when you had the time - busy at work. In 10-2005 you still hadn't called, I asked you when you were going to call you stated “ We have done this twice before and it did not work”. If your remember that counseling was for our daughter, family.
Late 10-2005 when I asked you if you wanted me to come back home you said: “No not right now” than I asked if you still loved me you said “I don’t know”, I almost died right there in front of you. I will never ask you those two questions again. Was this your alcoholism talking or was this something you really meant - remember at that moment you said this you were sober.
I have tried to find counseling for myself , I need someone to talk. All the places I called - alcoholic and family counseling - would not see me without you being active in counseling. A co-worker helped me make contact with her Pastor, I have been in one to one with her Pastor for 3 weeks now. It has been so hard on me, trying to work through all the issues, I keep thinking I need you there to help work through the problems. Just talking about the memories are so hard, BUT I will get healthy and move on with my life. I have also tried to talk to you about the problems I am having finding an Alanon group to join, you said nothing.
What happened to us, what went wrong. We watched tv & movies together, played golf, took trips, gardened, cooked out, holiday's & all the trimmings, birthdays & anniversary parties, made plans for our retirement & travels, we talked about us & what we wanted, I made you breakfast at 4:00 am, packed your full lunch everyday, meals were on the table when you came home from work, we ate together & talked about our day, home was clean, laundry always done & put away, we laughed, our sex life was good, we love each other's family as our own, we cried together on a family members death.
I feel like I’m left out here by myself, you have daily contact with our daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughters. I’m only allowed to see the girls when they are with you. Our families won’t talk to me because I left you, I do understand what is going on there, our families have not been without alcohol in their lives and don’t understand life & living without alcohol.
We were high school sweethearts, I was 14 - you were 16. We married when I was 16 - you were 18, you are all I have ever known. We have family history going back over 200 years. Financially you have always provided for us - our family. Does your drinking mean more to you than:
37 years of marriage, our daughter & son-in-law and our granddaughters. You quit drinking when our 1st granddaughter was born , you did not want her to see you drunk and you wanted to be around to see her grow up.
I need to come to terms about you and our marriage, I need to find out what my fears are with out you in my life. I can't even think about a divorce, if this is what you want than you will have to file - I just can't bring myself to do this. Do I not deserve an answer after 37 years of marriage, if you know me so well you know I need know what happened and you know that this is drving me crazy. If your going to end everything then just do it - please.
With Love
Spouse of AH
Dear AH:
Today I sit alone again crying, I’m sick to my stomach. I feel so awful, sad and don't know what to do. I felt I had to do something, so I‘m writing this letter to you on SOBER RECOVERY site.
After I left you in 6-2005 you were mad and said that I could have packed a suitcase, gone to a motel for a week instead of taking ½ the household stuff and just moving out. I left because I could not go through what you and I went through the last few years before your treatment, 1992: your drinking, lying, blaming me for everything wrong in your life, your alcoholic behaviors when you were drunk - awake and asleep, the other women - also alcoholics, you lack of physical & emotional affection unless you were drunk, ugly things you said to me - you were always mad at me & would not talk, you just let me cry, you would not talk about problems, health problems you went through, leaving me & than coming back home over & over again - telling your friends I kept kicking you back out of the home. You would come home & ask for my help then disappear again for weeks -I worried if anything happened to you, drove around hours looking for you. You only let me sit by and watched while you went down hill fast.
I thought we had a new beginning 13 years ago, after your treatment. I was so shocked to learn you were drinking again, after 13 years sober. Your reasons were: you did not know how to handle my 3 mini strokes in 10-2004 and my mothers heart surgery in 11-2004 - how dare you blame us. We are now right back to 5-1992 before you went to treatment. Why have you started drinking again????
Now days and months have gone by since I left, I’m so mad at GOD and you, yet I know I need to get myself healthily. I cry everyday, I don’t like this awful sickness in my chest and stomach. Yes I’m addicted to you and you know it, you even told me you know what I am thinking and doing - yes you are right on target with all of it. You know if I don't hear from you for 3 days I start to get myself together, than you call and I have to start all over again.
You know your red flags, you Big Book is accessible right now, yet it remains on the shelf. You know what you have to do, but, your not to do anything. You did not to go to AA 13 years ago, I did not continue with Alanon. I'm releaning the 12 steps, I can now see where you stopped working your 12 steps program. I don't understand your physical addiction to alcohol, I feel I understand the psychological affects.
In 7-2005 I asked you about getting into counseling, you lead me to believe we were going to go. I got all the information for you - as the alcoholic the therapist required you to call - and gave you the phone number. In 8-2005 you said you were going to call but kept forgetting the phone number at home. In 9-2005 you said you would call when you had the time - busy at work. In 10-2005 you still hadn't called, I asked you when you were going to call you stated “ We have done this twice before and it did not work”. If your remember that counseling was for our daughter, family.
Late 10-2005 when I asked you if you wanted me to come back home you said: “No not right now” than I asked if you still loved me you said “I don’t know”, I almost died right there in front of you. I will never ask you those two questions again. Was this your alcoholism talking or was this something you really meant - remember at that moment you said this you were sober.
I have tried to find counseling for myself , I need someone to talk. All the places I called - alcoholic and family counseling - would not see me without you being active in counseling. A co-worker helped me make contact with her Pastor, I have been in one to one with her Pastor for 3 weeks now. It has been so hard on me, trying to work through all the issues, I keep thinking I need you there to help work through the problems. Just talking about the memories are so hard, BUT I will get healthy and move on with my life. I have also tried to talk to you about the problems I am having finding an Alanon group to join, you said nothing.
What happened to us, what went wrong. We watched tv & movies together, played golf, took trips, gardened, cooked out, holiday's & all the trimmings, birthdays & anniversary parties, made plans for our retirement & travels, we talked about us & what we wanted, I made you breakfast at 4:00 am, packed your full lunch everyday, meals were on the table when you came home from work, we ate together & talked about our day, home was clean, laundry always done & put away, we laughed, our sex life was good, we love each other's family as our own, we cried together on a family members death.
I feel like I’m left out here by myself, you have daily contact with our daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughters. I’m only allowed to see the girls when they are with you. Our families won’t talk to me because I left you, I do understand what is going on there, our families have not been without alcohol in their lives and don’t understand life & living without alcohol.
We were high school sweethearts, I was 14 - you were 16. We married when I was 16 - you were 18, you are all I have ever known. We have family history going back over 200 years. Financially you have always provided for us - our family. Does your drinking mean more to you than:
37 years of marriage, our daughter & son-in-law and our granddaughters. You quit drinking when our 1st granddaughter was born , you did not want her to see you drunk and you wanted to be around to see her grow up.
I need to come to terms about you and our marriage, I need to find out what my fears are with out you in my life. I can't even think about a divorce, if this is what you want than you will have to file - I just can't bring myself to do this. Do I not deserve an answer after 37 years of marriage, if you know me so well you know I need know what happened and you know that this is drving me crazy. If your going to end everything then just do it - please.
With Love
Spouse of AH
Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: New York, New York
Posts: 16
Thank you for writing because it makes me appreciate the strength of the spouse of an A and the lengths that one will go to for their loved ones. I am the spouse of an A. I used to believe that we would be married for 37 years and more, but we can't even get past a year because he began drinking shortly after our marriage. I don't know whether this is the letter that I needed to tell me what I could be facing if I remain in my situation... I just wanted to thank you for sharing. You are in my prayers.
Member
.gif)
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: sadtown, OR
Posts: 89
Yes, get it all out. Time will seem like eternity..but this too will pass. Don't dwell on why this had to happen, accept it and let it go. When you are alone, crying and need a hug or feel like you are reaching out and nobody is helping you, close your eyes and see yourself hugging or reaching out to you. God will be with you, believe that. When you are ready, do things to help yourself one step at a time, because you are the one that is going to have to make the change. Don't get me wrong reach out to friends, SR, relaives, etc.. but it is going to take you to help yourself. This is a long road we are traveling but there are several of us. Have hope. May God be with you at this moment.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Home
Posts: 338
((Hadtoleave)) thanks for sharing that. Though the "exact" details, situations are different for many of us, those core emotions that I know I have felt/feel anyway, are in that letter. Peace thoughts and hugs and prayers to you. Again thank you for sharing that.
love cloudy
love cloudy
Lynnez
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Peoria, AZ
Posts: 16
Thank you for sharing that. I could have written the same letter to mine. In fact, I have written similar letters & he hasn't responded. I guess the disease takes over & they do no longer have the feelings they used to have. It is no longer the man we knew. I have looked in his eyes when he is drunk or high & he is no longer there. There is a blank, cold look in his eyes. He no longer seems to feel anything or care how I feel.
They tell me it gets better. Hopefully, they are right.
Lynne
They tell me it gets better. Hopefully, they are right.
Lynne
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
You wrote "my" letter,too except he has never quit drinking in our 27yr marriage, and he moved out and filed. It will be final when we sign. It feels like a terrible dream.
I am so sorry for you; for all of us. Please keep posting and venting; I think it helps to get it out; it also helps to read others sharing the same feelings and living the same bizarre life that mine has become.
Sending you a big hug; hope youfeel at peace sometime soon.
I am so sorry for you; for all of us. Please keep posting and venting; I think it helps to get it out; it also helps to read others sharing the same feelings and living the same bizarre life that mine has become.
Sending you a big hug; hope youfeel at peace sometime soon.
Lynnez
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Peoria, AZ
Posts: 16
One more thing I'd like to touch on. You said he told you he didn't know if he loved you when he was sober. Was he back in a program or just not drinking when he said that? There is "dry" & there is "sober". I was told when my 1st husband was in treatment that he said things he still didn't mean even if he wasn't drinking that day. He was NOT sober. In fact, they told me it would be at least 6 months sobriety before his head cleared. And 5 years before the man I married came back. They advised me that as long as he was still drinking to look at him and picture a bottle when he talked. Even if he hadn't had a drink that day.
Lynne
Lynne
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Tenneessee
Posts: 30
The time has come for me to throw the towel in - leaving my AH 6-months ago has been a big mistake on my part, he has told me he does not love me nor want me to come home - but I can change all that with an "I'm Sorry".
With the Holidays coming up I don't want the guilt of upsetting everyones Thanksgiving and Christmas, my granddaughters don't deserve all this upset.
I was on the phone pretty much the entire day trying to get some help, talked with several alanon contact persons. I tried an alanon meeting again tonight, this time I made it to the inside, restroom, and fell apart so hard (by myself) that I had to leave. What made me afraid was the number of people there laughing and having a good time. Even there I felt so alone. I come from a strong family that does not allow you to put your dirty laundry out into the public, I feel totally guilty that I violated that family secret.
I well be okay, I am a surviver - always have been. Everything that I've tried and have done has was been getting just to much me: crying, sick to my stomach - doing the bathroom thing, not able to eat or sleep, not able to see my granddaughters, my employment concentration has gone to zero, and my entire family totally upset with me.
I will be okay, no thoughts of harming myself - totally against my religion. But for now I must do what I feel is the best for everyone - husband, daughter, son-in-law, granddaughters and my extended famly.
I thank you all for your support and words of wisdom, I am signing off from this site.
Thank you all
With the Holidays coming up I don't want the guilt of upsetting everyones Thanksgiving and Christmas, my granddaughters don't deserve all this upset.
I was on the phone pretty much the entire day trying to get some help, talked with several alanon contact persons. I tried an alanon meeting again tonight, this time I made it to the inside, restroom, and fell apart so hard (by myself) that I had to leave. What made me afraid was the number of people there laughing and having a good time. Even there I felt so alone. I come from a strong family that does not allow you to put your dirty laundry out into the public, I feel totally guilty that I violated that family secret.
I well be okay, I am a surviver - always have been. Everything that I've tried and have done has was been getting just to much me: crying, sick to my stomach - doing the bathroom thing, not able to eat or sleep, not able to see my granddaughters, my employment concentration has gone to zero, and my entire family totally upset with me.
I will be okay, no thoughts of harming myself - totally against my religion. But for now I must do what I feel is the best for everyone - husband, daughter, son-in-law, granddaughters and my extended famly.
I thank you all for your support and words of wisdom, I am signing off from this site.
Thank you all
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Home
Posts: 338
Anna Nalick song - 2am
"These mistakes that you've made you'll just make them again, if you only try turning around..."
((Hadtoleave)) There is ANOTHER way THROUGH your pain to the OTHER side, and that is FORWARD.
Please think about that, ok?
love cloudy
Edit: I want to add that the "moving forward" does not necessarily mean physically leaving your loved one, though sometimes it does come to that. JT I believe it was, and this stuck with me, said - that Alanon helps get you to a more clear spot within yourself and therefore to a better frame to make decisions.
"These mistakes that you've made you'll just make them again, if you only try turning around..."
((Hadtoleave)) There is ANOTHER way THROUGH your pain to the OTHER side, and that is FORWARD.
Please think about that, ok?
love cloudy
Edit: I want to add that the "moving forward" does not necessarily mean physically leaving your loved one, though sometimes it does come to that. JT I believe it was, and this stuck with me, said - that Alanon helps get you to a more clear spot within yourself and therefore to a better frame to make decisions.
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