CodeMaster

Remember that gangster girl in LA?
She just told me she broke up with her boyfriend...

I feel like she is free now and I'd love to move in, I dont know why but my heart (aka lust?) desires her seduction. I like the attention she gives me when I'm in LA, I miss the attention my ex gave me the way shed give it to me.

Anyways, since she is free now, sometimes I think its ok to watch that webcam of her in those new victoria secrets she told me about, or its ok to go down and buy her that pizza I promised her cause she loves pizza.

They called me this week to go down for Holloween, and I'll be really honest with you I am not sure I can say no. I feel a lot of worry for my own life or damage or getting shot when her EX boyfriend see's us at some club or rave or whatever.

Sometimes I seem so normal, even to myself, when I work hard and even when I solve what some people call impossible. Even my healthy friend here who isnt needy at all, and treats me like a king... says I can seem so normal. But I can tell I'm not quite there yet, when people in LA give me a call I, when I hear their voice I just feel like its what I NEED. A sense of relief, almost as if they are protectors, though I know they are not, it feels that way is what I'm saying.

Tonight, I finished a project, look it:
http://www.800-insurance.com

I'm really proud of it because it has some fancy code in there that a lot of people on the net thought was impossible, I could bore you with the details but who cares. I have a lot of work, just blessing amounts of work all at hourly rates I am so happy to not have taken a full time job.

But sometimes I am ready to go down to LA and just let go. I dont know why, but after she told me she broke up, I dont feel fearful of her causing trouble or asking her to turn on the web cam.

I dont know why I dont like Belinda, she likes me and does everything she does in hopes I'll fall for her one day . Its been hard cause I like her and need her as a friend, she is my only friend in SF and she understands my mind. She gives me more then anyone in the world has , yet I dont feel tha attraction.

To be honest, I've seen her working at her office with the webcam on and I miss her like I miss a girlfriend I havent seen in a long time kind of feeling.. And I'll probably buy a ticket down south before this Saturday, and Belinda my healthy friend was right, she told me she believed I will go no matter what.

minnie

I don't know what to say, Code. Either go with the desire, which you know could get you killed, or keep going to therapy and figure out why you need destruction in your life. This scenario is no different than an A wanting to go out and have another drink, imho.

Nice site - I like the little eyes at the top of the box. Cute.

CodeMaster

hey minnie, thanks for looking at the site.
i know why im drawn, but knowing why doesnt seem to change anything, i thought it would...

JT

It's the webcam thing that bothers me...but then I am older I presume and still a little creeped out by the invasiveness of the net. You wouldn’t even have to take her home to meet mom (that would be me)! You could just pass on the url!

cloudy

Maybe you should do like Pumuckl and jump out of an airplane instead.

pmaslan

I don't know what to think Code....you keep going back and forth from one
extreme to the next.
Last few posts I really thought you were getting it.
As Minnie said your addiction to the drama is no different than
that of an A's ( I totally agree w/ that Minnie) you are just one
plane ticket away from relapse....IMHO
Can you see your therapist today, before you make any rash descisions

Cynay

Hey Code...

Nothing I can add ... Minnie is right you have a VERY unhealthy addiction that you need to want to get over.

I would suggest changing all your info so LA can not get hold of you at ALL... no contact, you seem to do ok until they contact you. Addicts and A's love the feel of the drug... Well unhealthy women are your DOC....

So... are you doing lip service to yourself or are you going to buckle down and work on your recovery... Maybe you have not reached your bottom???

As for me I NEVER want to go back to that again, I remember so well how seductive my ex-abf could be... but that is not who he really is and once Im sucked in then all HELL breaks loose and Im treated horribly and asking for more... Nope not for me, I just dont want to do that again... it hurts too much

Minx1969

Code -

Don't think I can add anything that's not already been said..When you are ready to break the cycle and change ..you'll do it..

I can tell you that it's wonderful on the other side...

PS website looks great..you have a lot of talent..nice that you are doing something you like to do!

CodeMaster

Sorry I get normal when they dont contact me, but moment they contact me its really hard to not wanna be with them. Anyways, I'll figure it out, everyone have a great weekend I wish you guys the best and apologize for my stupidity.

minnie

So, just like an alcoholic, then. "Normal" until they pick up the drink.

You're not stupid, hon. I get dragged into the insanity every single day and it takes all my strength to hold myself back. It's so much easier when you don't put yourself in the situation.

Dan

We addicts and alcoholics are hard to resist for some.

I'm less likely to entertain thoughts of drinking if I don't stand next to a bottle of Stoli.
It's just like that.

FaeryQueen

Hey Code

Have you ever tried working the 12 steps with a sponsor? I bet that would solve 99.3724683246% of your problems!

Peace,
Tanya

CodeMaster

Thanks all, I will find a way to be ok...

CatsTail

Hi Code,

For some of us it takes a while after we start recovery to NOT be attracted to people who are going to bring chaos and misery into our lives.

We learn when we have been hurt enough.
Take care,

Ngaire

CodeMaster

So I was hoping they forgot about me, but they called me last night past midnight and I bought the tickets. I'm leaving down south in a few hours, and just wanted to drop a note here to say I think things will be alright, I'll be watching over myself, and hopefully nothin bad happens and it'll just be a good innocent time. I've booked tickets to be back quickly by Sunday night at 10 p.m. because Monday I have a lot of work to do along with a client that needs me in office for a meeting.

I hope everyone has a happy holloween and a wonderful weekend, I will be thinking of you all when I'm down there, I think I have to go see for myself to see what draws me there and if its something I can or should stay far away from. Unfortunately, I dont learn by advice very well, I have to see for myself.

I love you all, and I'll see ya here when I get back.
Philip

minnie

And many of us are the same.

I'll be thinking of you.

Keep safe.

FaithChaser

Aw Code,

The wanting attention thing is something ALL of us want. When someone dotes on you isn't it hard not to accept that? The rave thing kinda worries me!!!! I don't want to give advice at all here, but please make sure you have your boundaries set, what is acceptable to you and what isn't. What is it that you want and need in your life? Is another person that will draw you back to using something you want? Do you need the challenge? You are a wonderful person and deserve the best, please remember that!

Huge Hugs,
~FaithChaser

Girlfriend

Hi Code,

AHH!! Can I tell ya that I've lived that life and it's pure hell? I was the one out on the streets asking people that were packin' (guns) for dimes (rock)? At any given moment, I could've been blown away....ANY. Those people didn't know me and sure as heck didn't care about me.

When I stopped the drugs and drinking and hanging in a gang myself, I went back out to the streets only this time it was to help the youth to get OFF of them.

D'ya know how many driveby shootings I saw? How many parents and family that I helped hold while they cried their eyes out for their lost son or daughter? Listening to them talk about their lost loved youth that they would never see again?

Man, ......the streets are REAL. Real dangerous. I gotta be honest here......I'm concerned for you. If it's not the drugs that get you, it could be the people that are on them and are whacked out including the girls that attract you. You're in a territory that you do not wanna be in. But, Code.....you're gonna have to see that yourself. You just can't take my word for it.

I'm praying for your safety and for you to let go of that addiction to danger and dangerous girls. It's a dead end street.

((hugs))

gelfling

Hey Code,

I think Girlfriend hit on something marvelous... Food for thought!!!