Soul Catcher

I was just sitting here on the computer and the kids are in thier beds asleep. I looked down and seen the date and realized in 30 days I'm going to be 34! OMG where did my life go? I got pg at 27 and married an alcoholic and have been in this mess for a really long time. I could have had a killer singing career. I'm way too old for that. Now I have three kids and LOTS of baggage. My son has been acting out really bad and talking bad to me (he's 5) and have been battling with him. His father is no where to be seen. I know where he's at but he's not in his life physically, only financially. I am really lonely. I am pretty and do you think a guy hits on me?? EVER?? Nope. Do any of you feel like you are wasting your life or it's passing by and your out of control? Don't get me wrong, I love and adore my babies to death but I miss butterfly's in my stomach and being hugged. I miss being asked "how are you?" and somebody really wanting to know. You think I would have noticed my birthday was coming up instead of getting slapped in the face by it. WHAM. I am not depressed, I am stunned and feel so used by my ah. How could he have taken 7 years of my life and screw with me like this?? Please tell me I am not alone and if you have felt like this, how do you get past these feeling?

In memory of miracle

Oh, ((( Soulcatcher))) You are so not to old for a singing carrer! I don't blame you for missing those things and I am so sorry you are not getting them.They are not to much to ask for. I know when I was using and drinking that was my first love,period.Don't think it would have mattered if Brad Pitt was home waiting for me. I am going to encourage you to go and get what you want out of life,make yourself happy...ah, birthdays!
Bless,Trish

Soul Catcher

You know where there is pretty good money? Go to the mall and get a job putting on make-up. Usually the make up counters pay really really good. I did that for alot of years and it was easy and interesting. IF I could tell you one thing is DO SOMETHING with yourself I know it seems we are close in age but I would give my right arm to be 26 again. Things are different since we have kids, we no longer come first so everything is them, breathing, eating, going to the bathroom. Since you do not have income, call a vocational school or children and families and have their system put you through school. There is eight years between me and you, don't become ME.

FriendofBill

I am 41.....loved one man from age of 17-35...an alcoholic. I woke up 2 years ago, after the divorce and realized I had not accomplished much of anything I wanted to, lost dreams, disappointments.

If life is over for you at 34, then what is left for me?

Its not over....your just having the emotional hangover that we get when we realize that we have lost ourselves in the codependency trap. He hasnt stolen your life, you were an active, tho "unaware" particpant in the alcoholic drama. I am not a victim,,I stuck around because I didnt know any better, could think any better than I did, until the pain got so much I sought help from alanon.

What do you think alcoholics do when they finally get sober? They look at thier babies and say how in hell did I let all this time pass and not participate in thier lives, how did I hurt the people I love?...Just as you are saying now,,,"How did this happen to me"?.

Denial.....fear....shame.....all of that is what happened to us....ok, so now you know...what are you going to do about it? For me, I dont blame, I seek help and hope from those whove been there, who live in the solution. I strive to work the 12 steps as taught to me, so I can have a happy fulfilling life, no matter what "he" is doing with his.

Today I have a career, a hell of a lot of friends, a son who is recovering in alateen, and the most important, significant relationship a person can ever have...a relationship with my higher power.

I am responsbile for my happiness, for my dreams coming true..not him...me....just me.

Even with all the pain I sometimes feel, the terrible sadness I have as his disease progresses,,,my life has never had more deeper meaning that it as today.

Im lucky. Im living today, not just surviving.

JessicaNAJ

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Seven years have not been wasted. You have learned so much and grown so much. Those years were given to you to make you strong for your babies and for you AND to help you prepare for your future.

I'm with you on the feeling lonely thing. I too miss the butterfly's and the hugs. It is times like those that hold my babies close and thank my HP for all the beautiful things in my life.

My 3 year acts out badly and talks badly to me too. I keep hoping and waiting for her to outgrow this phase of her life. I can't wait either. But you know, at the same time, I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Pick-a-name

Dear,me.................you girls could almost make me feel old. The only love of my life, my A; just divorced me after 27 years of marriage (2 kids). I am closing in on 52 years and haven't really worked a "real" job since my oldest was born. I do feel worn out; but certainly not old!

Soul Catcher..you sound like a "baby" to me !!haha I guess it is all if where you are coming from. (You definately don't sound "too old" for most things I can think of!). I know all this chaos can drag you down and make you feel very old at times; but try not to let it. Don't give up on yourself (I will try to remind myself to take the same advice!-ha).

Keep singing!

reader

I know where you are coming from soulcatcher! When I was going to seperate from my H last year I felt like you do. I said to my self I don't want to wake up at 50 and realize I have spent my whole married life living with my AH. That future seemed dark and bleak to me. I then pulled my self up from my bootstrings and said to myself I am going to change my life. I have made many changes within my self and for my kids. Luckily, my H saw all my changes and he wanted to join me in recovery. As for u Soul Catcher your only 34 you have alot of life ahead of you. I know u feel used and stunned right now. It is hard to get over those feelings. I am still working on getting over 15 years of resentment in my marriage but forgiveness does come. Its a slow process. As far not being asked out are u presenting your self as single? Are u getting out to places were Healthy people are! What about chruch or online. A friend of mine is getting married soon to a great guy she met through the personals. Alot of people now avoid the bar scene as a way to meet people. When u are ready prince charming will find u. Take Care and try to remember the good things that came from your marriage- your kids.
Be good to your self. With love, Kerry

Girlfriend

Hi Soulcatcher,


You have plenty of time to still do what YOU want to do, if you badly want it.

When I went to college and got my degree in psych/business, I had a 65 yr old lady in my graduating class with me. She had gotten a double degree, too. I asked her what she was going to do with it and she said " I just wanted to see if I could do it!!"

From 16-24, I was married to an abuser. From 24-34, I was an active A and made BAD choices some of which put me in jail. My son grew up talking and treating me badly as his Dad did and I was so messed up, I let him. In fact, I let many people "beat me up" verbally for years cuz I was doing it to myself, too.

My Mom used to tell me, "Ruthie, you could of been ANYTHING you wanted to be! Your gorgeous, smart, sweet, people love you" and today, at age 45, I look back and see,.......yeah, alot of years that went by that I missed out on.

But, ya know what? I also believe that everything happens for a reason. I am today who I am because of my past. It's molded me into who I am now. A survivor and a person with ALOT of compassion for other's pain.

Every day I work with the homeless and volunteer with the youth. I now get to give back. Things I've learned and helping to change the world instead of the world changing me.

The only thing that stops us from doing that.........is ourselves. No one person has power over us UNLESS we give it to them. In fact, when I got sober (thank God), I told myself that I was gonna go out there, get a college degree, a better job and way of life and prove to my ex who beat me down daily that he did not succeed in destroying me. Living my life is proof enough today for him. Cuz he tried HARD to destroy me.

You hang in there. Love yourself and continue to get positive support and go get what you want! It's your's......you just have to take it.


((hugs))

P.S. My 24 yr old daughter is a recording artist for Universal Records. She signed this year. She started at age 16 by moving to Tennessee, age 20 to LA and 22 to NYC where she lives now. She worked her booty off and got her dream. She came from a super messed up home and childhood and overcame the odds. You can, too.

robina

Soul catcher -

You are a young woman with three very young children, and an alcoholic husband. No wonder you feel down and depressed. Anybody in that situation would be exhausted and discouraged.

Please remember you can have a wonderful life ahead of you, filled with possibilities.

I went back to school when I was in my thirties, and now I have a great career, doing a job that I love. Try to keep your hope alive - you have a lot of productive years ahead of you.

Blessings

Robin

WhatAboutME

SoulCatcher, you are sooooooo NOT alone! I turned 34 earlier this Summer and seperated from my AH in early September. I feel so old - more like 64. Like you my emotional state of well-being is badly bruised, and I'm sure it shows to others. It's got to get better, right?!?

ByGrace

Soulcatcher,When you know better, you do better. The best thing you can do for your children is to get yourself healthy. Go to an Al-Anon meeting, learn the steps, get a sponsor and find a higher power. Your children will be a reflection of you..if you are calm or out of control. Know that you are not alone, there is alot of love here; start singing your own song!

meli2005

Sorry you feel like this. But think you have three wonderful kids out of this, even if they do drive you mad sometimes. I konw, I have a toddler. That' sucks that the alcoholic is not in your life, but hey if he is not willing to get better, in the long run you are probably better off on your own. 34 isn't really that old either.

prodigal

We've all been there ... you are definitely NOT alone as to how you feel. I know how it feels to waste one's valuable time in this all-too-short lifetime. I'm 52 years old and 12 credit hours (4 courses) short of a B.S. in Legal Studies. And I don't plan to stop there ... I'm already making plans to get a graduate degree as soon as I get a full-time job. Yeah, I screwed up and wasted a BIG chunk of my life but by the grace of God I swore I would make it through to a better life and that light at the end of the tunnel would NOT be a train!

Go to Al-Anon, think about all the talents and abilities you've been given - then take advantage of them and realize your dream - you are NEVER too old!

Soul Catcher

I really hear what you all say and I thank you with all of my heart. When I tell you that I am a single mother, I am just that! I do not have anyone to watch my children. I am over protective so I will not rent-a-teen or anything like that. So al-anon meetings, and meeting a man outside of my house isn't going to happen. I guess thats where I feel so trapped. I guess I put myself down because I wished for children and prayed so hard for them and I adore them but I didn't know I was NEVER going to get a break. Three of them are smothering. I feel so quilty and feel like I am going to be struck by lightning by saying I want to be alone sometimes. It so hit home when Friend of Bill said I am having an emotional hangover. I so am. I feel so trapped within myself. I think all the time how everyone told me I was going to be a star and how one day I am going to be somebody. I never went after it, I shrugged it off. I let it go by because I wanted children and a family, not really a fairy tale but a good man and a happy life. More up's then downs. How can you sing with three little kids? I do have a church and quit going because I was the only one there without a husband, I was the pretty one. I'm sure they thought of me as the "one that would cause trouble". Here I am walking around being married on paper and have to act that way but feeling so single it's scary. FOUR YEARS with no physical husband, doesn't that count?
There is no place to walk in and say "I want to sing". I have done karoke, I have sang with bands and I hear the same thing over and over....why don't you do something with that voice. I watch the awards on the tv and I cry and cry watching them wondering if I tried harder would I be there. I will never know. The fact of the matter is I am going to die knowing I let it get away from me. You say go back to school. To be honest....there is NOTHING I want to become. There is nothing in my heart. I think everything would become repeditive. I teach little kids part time, I volenteer. But it's always with children. I don't know how to talk to adults. I have drowned in my children. I am so sorry to go on again and I'm sure it gets real old to hear someone have a pity party. If there is a way, God please show me.

Soul Catcher

I reread what I wrote and my get up and go, got up and went.

splendra

As a person who loves and has children and who has taken care of many other peoples children I know that even the most protective mom still needs a break... There are such things as alanon meetings with child care. You might even meet some moms who could give a good recomendation for a babysitter or who would be willing to trade off with you. When my son was small several moms that I knew had a babysitting co-op and we helped eachother with one anothers kids to this day the kids are still best of friends and the moms too everyone was single, struggling and, for the most part broke truely that was one of the best times of my life...

I hate to see you cut yourself off and to be feeling trapped because that is not good for your children to be around someone who is frustrated and lonely.....come on girl find some solutions instead of excuses...

JessicaNAJ

Soul Catcher.....I am sooo with you on the rent-a-teen thing. I am protective too and won't even let my friends 15 year old watch my kids. I too feel trapped quite a bit.

I have found a few chances to get out and you know what...... afterwards, I felt like a different person. It was awesome!!!

Do you have a friend or relative nearby who can help you out?

minnie

(((Soulcatcher)))

I am 32, single, no kids, never been married, about to finish a business in a career I no longer wish to pursue, have weak academic qualifications and don't own my own home. Now, I could look at that list and think "OMG, what have I to show for my life and what on earth am I going to do now?" Or I could think "Right, next chapter of my life, what can I build on and what healthy choices can I make?"

You have your kids, and whilst that fact may seem limiting at times, I have many days when I wish I were in your situation rather than mine.

CodeMaster

My father has made many dreams come true and he didnt do it early, he did it when he was ready and it was way past 40 years old when he started living it out. With that in mind, I can just say its impossible to tell who's going to make their dreams come out or not just cause when your young you dont do anything, thus I dont judge those who are young and havent done anything, cause my Father kicked ass when he was ready, age didnt matter, thus, I believe, if you live life to the fullest, you may always find whatever dreams you seek!

Also, I believe nothing is ever a waste of time, everything that happened was meant to happen for you to see what you were suppose to see to bring you closer to finding your purpose destiny has set you on this Earth for!

Much loves

Minx1969

SoulCatcher - I think you have gotten some fabulous advice..Don't sweat it..34 is still young! Don't throw in the towel yet..Seems like you need to take back your life and start working on your dreams!

Let me throw around some names of some inspirational women that have turned their lives around..

J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter author) was a single mother when she started writing Harry Potter stories...I think I heard that she had been homeless or something..

Danielle Steel was a mother when she started writing..

10 years ago Suze Orman (Financial guru) was over $200,000 in debt...Now look at her with her own tv show etc...

also - read my post about 2 of the women I volunteer with..http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=74022

Soulcatcher - you can do it at any age..I too met this woman who at 50 went back for her PhD in psychology..

Go to Alanon..get some support there (I'm sure there are some other single moms that you can alternate babysitting days)...

What are you going to do for you today?