equus

No - not an escape plan! But we do need something. We sort of had a plan that involved me putting more into the joint finances until D was back in employment, the main objective of that was to take the pressure off D from having big outgoings and no income. But it relied on him not drinking being more secure than it is in reality.

I know we need something because D needs to have a plausible way through and if for no other reason it won't be good if it becomes a tabboo subject, we are going to need to pull together.

These are the problems:
1. D still thinks he'll be better in a few days (but has at least agreed to not try any more plans to cure himself before treatment).
2. Number one isn't realistic, going to a carboot sale exhausts him, he's scared of having any money, he didn't cope with going to sign on.
3. He has credit card debt which I think has repayments higher than his income.
4. I don't want to bail him out but he does need some support and some hope.
5. Making a plan for all the above that doesn't bail him out but does provide some hope.

The biggest problem of all is that he doesn't realise half of what's happening to him. Yesterday he wouldn't stop talking, all about his game on the computer and then non-stop reading me bits from a cookery book - finally a synopsis of various films and books!! Today he was going to sort my Dad's computer - 2 days ago he was dead keen and confident he could sort all the problems; by the time we left today he thought he couldn't do any of it but wanted to honour an attempt. (He did fine and my Dad is chuffed to bits with it!). He doesn't seem to be aware of the absolute change in his confidence, or even that for all he says he wants to still go (I said I could sort it) it's still very hard for him. He feel asleep for hours before then got very upset because he couldn't find an empty cd to take a programme on. This is something he's good at, for someone he knows and likes - how the hell will he cope with work?

The pressure needs to come off - we need to plan for the unexpected - B@LLS all I can really say is we need something!

Maybe I need something to make me a little more confident to go to work tomorrow and leave him here. Maybe I need to feel like he knows what he's doing so he doesn't try everything at once, or do nothing and feel even more pressured and down. He's my friend too.

minnie

This is a good site http://www.nationaldebtline.co.uk/ D might be able to come to an agreement with his creditors for the short term. I'll have a think about the other stuff.

equus

Thanks minnie that's a good link - I'm just having a read now!

splendra

My H recently went through some weird stuff and I knew it wasn't a good idea to leave him alone for long periods of time. I realize that he has been getting high for many years and in some ways he is very childlike because he stopped growing emotionaly when he started his addictive behavior. I realize now how the addiction was the mature voice he spoke with able to manipulate and turn things around and how much it drove him to work and make money because money equaled getting dope in his mind.

I have taken charge of paying the bills and managing his money as well as my own. Until he is stable enought to make and use money for the mature reason of paying bills and taking care of our children. I do give him spending money for gas and walking around. He knows money is a trigger for him.

He does have a lot of support. The guys he plays music with are all there for him. all of them have used drugs and alcohol to excess and are now clean. They have been hot on his case to get clean or else not play music with them. They have all said that they are willing to be there for him anytime of the day or night. I think the support of his friends means a great deal to him. He knows I cannot do it all for him nor do I want to. He needs his friends they have all had to change and become responsible and stop using dope and drinking for the sake of their health and families.

Does D have any sober friends? Or a support group of some kind? I think it is possible a friend or support group could help D in ways that you are not able to do even the Drs. and therapist can't always be there all the time and you have to work so you cannot be there all the time either... just a thought...take what you need or like and leave the rest....

susane1408

Hi Equus

Haven't had a chance to check this out fully but it might be useful; it's for people with physical and mental health problems, it's got information about what help is available. Nothings lost but time if it's not useful

http://www.benefitsandwork.co.uk/

equus

Thanks - we did get the beginings of a plan down, sort of day by day. Hopefully by weds it should mean the mortgage forms are filled in, he's signed on for unemployment, calculated his income from that against his outgoings and some other stuff. It's day by day and D has agreed to it like a job - the items for each day he picked and if he can't get through them he's agreed to go back to his doc. He's also agreed to keep a diary because I've asked that he does soemthing to help him back to independence at the docs and to allow him to see what's happening. He's agreed this as a sensible alternative to looking for work now or planning that this week.

It's a good start and at least stops things from just spiralling with no measure.

He's made friends with my friends - perticularly my best mates other half but it's something quite new for him. He lived for years miles away from anyone and he's loved making some friends but doesn't really talk about anything (except PS2!!) - maybe he will at some point, I encourage him to because he should have more than just me and his mum.

Thanks Susane for the link - I'll have a look sometime. I think it might be a bit early to ask D to do, today's the first day he's acknowledged he might be off work for more than a few days! Ideally he wants to just use Jobseekers because he's worried any other benefits will make him less employable - 1 step at a time!

bahookie

Hi there

Wow, right with you here.

We're struggling big time too, and my other half hasn't coped with signing on either. She did it once to try and get the council tax people off our backs but then went back into hiding.
I'm not so fortunate, there's no way my wages can cover all our bills and every month we're being bailed out by family, getting deeper and deeper into debt.
Still the relative innocent, I believe when she says she's looking for a job - I believe when she says she's selling an asset to get us on an even keel, because that's the woman I used to know.

This weekend she said to me that she feels like an active A - hiding from the world. This weekend she's making plans to cosy up the back sitting room so that it'll be nice to sit in the whole winter. That's where she sees herself at least until the spring.

Depression is a scary thing. Cannabis is a scary thing when it saps all her get-up-and-go.

I'm trying so hard to detach from the mood swings, trying to make time for me, trying to be supportive and loving. I do love her so much.

My friend was badly depressed - I'm suggesting things his psychiatrist suggested to him; do things that make you happy, see the little victories you have every day, try new things (you never know!) and see that goals don't have to be reached right now, you can work towards them bit by bit.

I think I've run out of steam and don't know what to do next. How do you make a plan equus? How do you get through the maze of negativity? I keep coming face to face with big scratchy dead-ends!

I think it's great the way you always seem to have so much energy to deal with the problems thrown your way. You never seem to be stumped like me.

Jane
xxx

equus

I think alot depends on the person who's ill, D's scared by this and wanting to get well - sometimes too much because then he'll try some daft method to sort it all out! We also have a limited time winging it on our own, when the psychiatric referal comes through hopefully everything (majorly including my role) will be re-evaluated.

This is how I went about it but firstly I don't know if it'll work yet (except right now I feel better) and secondly even if it does work with D it may not with anyone else!

The first thing I did was to figure out whether there was anything I could do about the various things which make this distressing to me/him/us. The biggest of those is that he stays safe until he has the referal and the 'experts' can take over. I made an agreement with D during alcohol counselling that he would not deliberately tackle stressful situations alone and that I would offer the support t help with those when needed (no more trips into town alone trying to 'Take fear by the throat!!'). Realistically that's all I can do towards his safety apart from try again at the docs which I may well still do.

The second thing that worried me was his ability to see what was and wasn't realistic and to make decsiions financially that are based on realism not his desire to be back at work and well by next week! It's a scary catch 22, he says 'I can beat this just watch' and what do I say? 'No you can't'? - he needs the confidence and it's just about the only thing holding his mood together. So I decided we needed to work on a plan - I just wasn't sure what to put in it, hence this post! The answers I got from here made me feel that his situation wasn't hopeless, that he may well be able to get help with debt and that was something I could take to him.

The plan we drew up isn't for the next six months - it's for the next 3 days!! I used a similar format to the task centered social work used by our alcohol counsellor. We each came up with tasks either for ourselves of for each other, either way the doer had to be happy it was doable. For D I suggested that these plans are treated like his job and in that way he can see himself get more ready to go back to work as he's able to lead more and more productive days at home. It also meant that if he couldn't achieve the tasks he would return to the docs just as he would if he couldn't get to work. Today he's agreed to do the mortgage payment holiday paperwork and tidy his study, tomorrow he's agreed to complete his dole forms and work out his income verses outgoings, + some other stuff I can't remember off te top of my head!

Either way there's consequences - not doing the tasks highlights to him that he does need to go back to the docs and gives him something to say when he gats there. He's also agreed to keep a diary and that's to hopefully increase his independence in telling people what's happening with him. Doing the tasks means he can feel some pride in achievement and feel like for real he is moving towards being able to work. I've also suggested we have some treat days when tasks have all been done like a day out walking!

Through all of this me and D have got negotiation down to a pretty fine art - the plan was my idea but all his tasks except the diary were his ideas. My stuff was my ideas so that he knew what was happening with me too. I think that being able to negotiate is vital. Secondly the plan starts so small - not as the solution to the 'whole' problem, just small productive steps.

Jane, money wise it isn't certain for us either. I have a 20K a year job and a 100K mortgage, I can't keep us for long and D has another 6K in debt to boot. BUT one day at a time and the first step is to reduce what's going out then find out what's coming in.