Aquiana

Abf and I had a terrible couple of days. Once again, he let me down big time. He's been drinking like a fish lately. Supposedly, he says he's getting it out and we're all to expect a major transformation after the baby is born. Uh huh.....Things came to a head on Friday unfortunately. Not only did he come home on Thursday with our only vehicle half cut but he also went out gambling again.

The catch here was that he gambled MY money. I set him up so to speak. He was having a big fit over my hiding money in a different account and I told him it was because I didn't trust him as far as I could throw him. I wasn't saying that to be rude, I was just being honest. He of course said, "Trust me, trust me!" Normally I'd never move any of my "savings" into the joint account but this time I decided to do it for no other reason than to prove he'd blow it. Didn't tell him that, I told him I trusted him. I knew I'd never see the money again and sure enough it was gone the next day.

So Friday night I told him to get the *beep* out of the house and never call me or contact me in any way other than to get his stuff out of my house. I told him that if he wanted to act like a bloody teenager than he could go ahead but he needed to do it elsewhere. I was dead serious and he knew it. There wasn't a single excuse that could change my mind, he tried. I held all night and also the next day.

He's still here but only because I can't get rid of him. He's considered common-law and according to the rules here I can't force him to leave. That sure as h@ll doesn't mean I can't make his life here miserable till he goes on his own. The baby is coming in 3 days now and I have more than enough stress with that let alone what he's been pulling. I can do it on my own and I'd prefer it that way.

He's making a million promises. He said he's going to change. Granted he's only had about 4 beer in the time after that but I don't believe him one bit that it's going to be long term. Been there and done that. It may sound mean but although he's here, I've told him straight out he's only here because he's an unfortunate legal pain in the ass, it has squat to do with love.

I hope he goes on his own. With the baby on the way I don't have time to go through the legal process of removing him right now. If he claimed I was a "bitch" before, he hasn't seen anything yet. Now I'm a "bitch" that really doesn't care 2 cents about him. Maybe I'm mean, but honestly I'm kind of proud of myself.... hee hee hee.

ASpouse

I don't know. Why set him up? I think that was childish and immature. Are you trying to convince yourself or him that he has a problem. You already know he has a problem, he does nothing about it except make empty promises.

Since you can't get him out, can you get out? That's what I would do. You say the stress is too much for you and the baby, so why are you initiating more stress than the situation already gives?

I don't know, it sounds as if you both have serious problems, not just him.

Aquiana

I can respond to that. Please note it's not an angry or snotty defense, just the facts. I did set him up with the money. Not because I didn't know he had a problem. I know that for a fact he does. At least I know for a fact he does with me. He's lied to me and disrespected me enough that there's not much doubt of that. What I really needed to know was how low he'd sink as far as jeopardizing the welfare of someone else. We have a baby coming in 3 days now, or less and that was all the money we had. I made sure he knew that when I put it in there. If we need anything for the baby now we are screwed save for my credit card that I'm not putting one red cent on while he's here. It showed clearly that it wasn't just me he was going to hurt, he doesn't care much about his son either.

As far as why I don't leave it's because I'm stubborn and that's the honest answer. I have lived in this house for 8 years. I don't make that much money so I worked my butt off for it and probably 95% of what's in it. I scrimped and saved and made sure I had everything I needed in it. That's 7 years of busting my rear before he came around. I am not leaving all that without a fight. To me, that's chasing me out of my own home and you know what? He'd love that. He gains a house and a whole bunch of other stuff he did diddly to contribute to.

I'm angry yes, but not as stressed as it may seem. The stress came more from knowing I was a walking, talking bank account/hotel service and doing nothing about it. Maybe I've said some mean things the last couple of days but they were the truth and he can walk right out the door. That's his choice.

I'm sure I have my own problems. A big one is never putting up with anyone treating me the way he has before in my life. I was stressed because I let it go on... no more.

ASpouse

He's an alcoholic, you know that. Alcoholics care about no one, nothing, nada, but themselves. So you lost all the money for the baby because you felt a need to set him up? Where are your priorities?

I think his behavior over the past nine months has shown clearly that he doesn't care much about anything but himself.

Aquiana, you picked a lousy time to set him up, with the baby due any minute.

If the deed of the house is in your name, there is nothing he can do. I'm sorry, but I feel you jeoparized your baby as much as he has. What you did was wrong.

sunshinebluesky

has he only been in your house for a year? that just doesnt seem long enough to me to legally justify him being entitled to staying there or anything else. you should have never have given him ALL that money,knowing full well he was gonna waste it with a baby on the way........but trust me,i know when you are in the moment of it,the frustration,the anger,i could understand the point you were making. too bad,he couldnt.

walkingtheline

Aquiana, perhaps you should speak with an attorney. He's not on the deed. You're not married but apparently live in a common-law state. There has to be a legal way to separate and an attorney would know the way (or ways).

As soon as you're able I hope you'll introduce us to your little one. Babies are the BEST!

ASpouse

I understand it also, but I don't think I would have done it with a baby due any minute. I am not proud of the many things I did "just to prove a point". I'm not unsympathic, this just sounds horrible, on the part of Aquiana. Her boyfriend has a problem, she should have known better.

benefits

Aspouse, I think we all got the point that you think what she did was wrong. Do you really need to keep saying it??? I'm sure we have all made mistakes in the past and we hopefully learn from them and move on. I remember one of your threads a while back about your problem with spending money - I don't recall anyone repeatedly chastising you about it. It may not have been the best thing to do but it was something she felt she needed to do and she did get something out of it -she has an answer to her question and it seems to me she has gained the resolve to move on with her life.
Good Luck Aquina.

ASpouse

benefits, I'm not chastising and I'm in recovery with my spending issues. It's extremely difficult for me, as most things are that create change.

Aquiana believes this was the right thing to do and that is fine. It upsets me very much that a baby is coming into this situation .... one that could have been fixed a long time ago. Aquiana thought when her boyfriend came out of rehab it was OK for him to have a beer or two at night with his friends, she even went out with him to "watch" him .... I can go back and find the posts and quote them here.

So now that the situation is once again out of hand, she sets him up "to find out for sure" how he is? Sorry, but anyone who feels the need to "set up" someone else to fail is wrong, that would include me.

Any change that needs to take place with anyone needs to be done positively. Even rehabs don't set up their "patients" to leave and set them up to fail. They leave with tools and positive reinforcement to succeed, certainly not to fail.

If I could I would go back and change my posts to eliminate the wording and be kinder and gentler, but it may be too late.

Most change succeeds with positive reinforcement and support, not being set up to fail. If Aquiana was venting, then I apologize for putting my .02 in, but what she did is something I would never agree with, it's like kicking someone when they're down in the dirt, not nice at all.

bikewench

Aquiana....

Blessings on your coming miracle..

I can totally relate to setting up a situation to prove a point to myself...

In my mind... the other is going to do what the other is going to do...
It's me that can't seem to find my own line about what amount of crap I will accept in my life before I can pull it together enough to move on...


a nasty move on my part...?

maybe...

.. but.. in some cases... there's nothing like needing to drive the point home to myself.

I am an addict... and I live with an addict... and we are both caught in the disease of codependancy...

sometimes I have to give things a little more definition so that I can bring it out of the fog... and know it to be truth....

Praying for you and your baby... and for the daddy that can't be there....

Aquiana

Thanks everyone for your comments and for the support. I did need to find out an answer and although I pretty much knew it, I did have to drive it home. There is a huge part of me that has and still does want to believe his bs. What can I say? He's good at shovelling it and I'd love to believe it. I'd love to give him the benefit of a doubt and that suckers me in everytime.

As far as the baby is concerned, I'm very excited and would do nothing to jeopardize his well-being on purpose. Yes I gave abf what I had in the savings account and yes that was all we had, but it's not my only source of cash flow. I mentioned somewhere before that I've been planning for what will happen if he's not around so there are other sources I've worked on without abf's knowledge. We're screwed, I mean abf and I, but as far as the baby he's fine. Please don't worry about that.

I can't afford to take abf to court right now unfortunately. I couldn't get enough money for that and yes we are considered common law and that gives him pretty much the same rights as if we were married. I did call the police one night to ask them about that and they cannot remove him from the house. After a year here he has every right to be here under the law. Unless he becomes a threat I'm stuck with him.

Aspouse, I'm wondering a bit about a couple of things you said. When you say, that I set him up to fail I really don't agree with that. I used the phrase "set him up" in my original post and I did somewhat to prove something to myself but I didn't take away his choices. He insisted I put the money in the account. I did and I left it up to him to decide what he wanted to do with that. To me it sounds like you are saying he was doomed to fail and that I don't believe. I've seen many, many occasions where abf can control himself when it's beneficial to him to do so. He could have chosen not to drink and not to gamble but he didn't.

I'm not sure about the comment about things being fixed a long time ago either. It could have been for sure, that's the truth but I didn't know then what I know now. I did think it was okay for him to have a few after rehab. I've learned a few things since then and I don't think you can fault someone for not knowing everything to start with. There'd be a lot less of us here I bet if we all knew everything. If I could go back I'd fix it. I can't, nobody can so all I can do now is try to work with what I have in the present.

This is getting long but I wanted to explain one more reason I decided to give up the cash this time. All along in this relationship I've been the one to pay the bills and save some extra. Abf has known all along that I make sure everything is taken care of and that there's always a little to spare. In the last month or two I've been wondering if the "saving" part had been particularily helpful to us. It seems to me that I've been providing a cushion for him all along so that he's never had to worry about it. I was getting the impression from a few comments that he's made that my saving was just allowing him to spend everything we had because he knew there was more to fall on. This time, (as far as he knows at least) I took away his cushion. He's for the first time having to sweat it out like most people without someone else to save him. I don't think that's a bad thing either.

ASpouse

Aqianna, I have nothing more to add. I'm sorry this has happened to you and I hope it works out. You are quite naieve and I hope that it all works out for the best and good luck with the baby.

ASpouse

You know I read the posts occasionally about Children of Alcoholic Parents/Parent and it really upsets me to see children being bought into a relationship with an alcoholic parent (s).

Babies are like little sponges, they see everything, hear everything and learn behavior quite quickly. I guess I feel with so many ways out there not to get pregnant it bothers me that anyone would have a child with an alcoholic SO/spouse.

It's nothing personal, just the way I feel. Babies and children are our most precious gift from God and a valuable resource for our future. I don't like to see children enter this world with the odds stacked against them before they even get a chance to start their lives.

Aquiana

I totally agree on this part anyway. I can't take back what happened. It'll probably go down in my book of biggest life mistakes ever. Not that I think the baby is a mistake. He's the blessing, but the timing and the choice of partners is the mistake. I do see how terrible the situation can be on a child. All I can offer to baby at this point is as much love as I have, and believe me I have lots for anyone who needs and respects it. He's also going to get plenty from many other people, (he's got a big family). I may never fill the void that and actual loving and responsible dad would have but I'm willing to do everything I can to try. I've suggested prior to this whole event that abf and I seek counselling. He doesn't seem to be on that wagon, so I believe that some is in order for myself. I even spoke to my doctor about the situation to find out where councelling is availiable in my town.

As far as abf is concerned I really hope he takes the initiative to leave. If not I will look at speaking to a lawyer. My challenge right now is sticking to my guns. Since Thursday, abf of course is on his best behaviour. He hasn't purchased any alcohol since then and yes there is enough in the account that he could. He's trying to prove to me/himself that he's "changing". I need to keep focused so as not to be fooled again. He's very persuasive.

ASpouse

I'm sure Aquiana you will do fine, but once this baby is born, he is your first priority. There will be no more going to bars with your BF, checking up on him etc. Your son will be your priority and I'd go so far as to bet your BF will make his own son his next excuse, or your bond to the baby.

Good Luck not being fooled again .... I'll pray for a happy healthy delivery, no matter who is there with you! Enjoy the moment ..... babies grow up so fast!

sunshinebluesky

as someone who sometimes thinks,oh my God,i AM getting old,im starting to think and talk like my parents!!!...............if you can learn from your mistakes,then they have served some kind of purpose,and you will be be such a better,stronger,person. i can understand how and why you did what you did, with this latest thing and i dont see it as such a bad thing.yes you didnt have to do it, but he didnt have to make his choice he made either. my concern for you is that you dont hang in there far too long than you should,even though its easier in some ways to stay. life is too short,and you and your baby deserve healthy relationships.with everyone you are involved with in this world.