I am the ENEMY????
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Scottsdale, Arizona
Posts: 7
I am the ENEMY????
Ok, well I should have expected this - and I am gonna need all the strength I can get to get through it -
As a newbie I just posted for the 1st time the other night. After putting up for the last time w/ my fiance's drinking binges having him removed from my home w/ an Order of Protection, filing charges for assault, and STICKING with it in court - I am now THE BIGGEST JERK LIVING ACCORDING TO HIS FAMILY!!
(OK, not his mother whom I love dearly and has been through this and is being really supportive).
His father, his brother, his close friends have all written and/or called to berate, hate, and put me down because of MY ACTIONS!!! MY ACTIONS??? Correct me if I am wrong - I didn't think I was the one who drank myself silly, who chose to hit me in front of MY family and friends, nor continue to rage and deny MY actions. HOW DID I BECOME THE ENEMY HERE????
If ANY ONE of my family members had gotten to the place I have without my 'being aware' of the problem - I would have to shoot myself!! What? I could have 'dealt' with the problem differently - by sweeping it under the rug??? Ignoring it?? God save me from this insanity.
I WILL hold strong - but the insults and comments are intolerable. I have over-reacted, done the wrong thing, MY SOUL NEEDS TO BE SAVED???? Just some of the lovely comments following the fall-out of all this. How do I handle this??? It upsets me so much I am shaking as I write this.
How do I handle the fact that the entire base of family and friends my life has revolved around for the last 7 years now think I am the villan here??
Let me know..........
As a newbie I just posted for the 1st time the other night. After putting up for the last time w/ my fiance's drinking binges having him removed from my home w/ an Order of Protection, filing charges for assault, and STICKING with it in court - I am now THE BIGGEST JERK LIVING ACCORDING TO HIS FAMILY!!
(OK, not his mother whom I love dearly and has been through this and is being really supportive).
His father, his brother, his close friends have all written and/or called to berate, hate, and put me down because of MY ACTIONS!!! MY ACTIONS??? Correct me if I am wrong - I didn't think I was the one who drank myself silly, who chose to hit me in front of MY family and friends, nor continue to rage and deny MY actions. HOW DID I BECOME THE ENEMY HERE????
If ANY ONE of my family members had gotten to the place I have without my 'being aware' of the problem - I would have to shoot myself!! What? I could have 'dealt' with the problem differently - by sweeping it under the rug??? Ignoring it?? God save me from this insanity.
I WILL hold strong - but the insults and comments are intolerable. I have over-reacted, done the wrong thing, MY SOUL NEEDS TO BE SAVED???? Just some of the lovely comments following the fall-out of all this. How do I handle this??? It upsets me so much I am shaking as I write this.
How do I handle the fact that the entire base of family and friends my life has revolved around for the last 7 years now think I am the villan here??
Let me know..........
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
GnS, there is a reason they say it's a family disease.
That would be because it affects all members of the family.
And those family members can act as unhealthy as the alcoholic.
I'm guessing you know better than all the BS they're slinging at you right now.
I'm guessing you know full well that you are not the villian here.
Again, the "excuse making" and the "ass covering" that oozes from family members can be as sick or sicker than the actions of the alcoholic.
You aren't the villian.
All you did was to refuse to accept unacceptable behavior.
Nothing wrong with that.
Not one damn thing.
That would be because it affects all members of the family.
And those family members can act as unhealthy as the alcoholic.
I'm guessing you know better than all the BS they're slinging at you right now.
I'm guessing you know full well that you are not the villian here.
Again, the "excuse making" and the "ass covering" that oozes from family members can be as sick or sicker than the actions of the alcoholic.
You aren't the villian.
All you did was to refuse to accept unacceptable behavior.
Nothing wrong with that.
Not one damn thing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Scottsdale, Arizona
Posts: 7
thanks Dakoda
Dakoda:
Will go back and re-read.
Yes I am SURE of my actions. My home is quiet. I no longer worry that exF will come in the door drunk, or spend Saturday by the pool drinking large glasses of vodka only to come in the house raging about some issue or another.
FYI - I haven't cried about this yet. Ya, I know, probably an issue. I haven't let the sadness in. I am afraid if I do it will overwhelm me. I guess I just expected that they would support me - even if they didn't agree - he has been drinking around them for YEARS!! Maybe that's why they all didn't 'notice' the problem. The whole 'family' thing.
His mother just wrote to me and told me that the reason she left his father was similar - drinking and then becoming abusive. hmmmm....role model? Probably.
Just hurts, ya know??
Will go back and re-read.
Yes I am SURE of my actions. My home is quiet. I no longer worry that exF will come in the door drunk, or spend Saturday by the pool drinking large glasses of vodka only to come in the house raging about some issue or another.
FYI - I haven't cried about this yet. Ya, I know, probably an issue. I haven't let the sadness in. I am afraid if I do it will overwhelm me. I guess I just expected that they would support me - even if they didn't agree - he has been drinking around them for YEARS!! Maybe that's why they all didn't 'notice' the problem. The whole 'family' thing.
His mother just wrote to me and told me that the reason she left his father was similar - drinking and then becoming abusive. hmmmm....role model? Probably.
Just hurts, ya know??
A Very Groovy Chick!
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Nashville, TN
Posts: 12
GoodnStrong,
How lucky for you that you no longer have to listen to the incessant negative and angry ramblings of an intoxicated person who's mad at the world.
As for the issuse of telling family (or family finding out) I myself am struggling with whether or not I should say something to my husband's sister about what's been happening in my marriage? I've always been against disclosing personal information regarding people's intimate lives, but she seems to be the only person he really has high regard for; She and her spouse are very active Christian's who practice what they preach, however, it may not be in my husband's best interest to say anything to a family member yet? I don't know, it's to soon to gage.
I'm just proud of you for putting your foot down.
A few insults from the apathetic family of a drunk are worth the peace of mind you now have in your life. Try your best to let bygones be bygones and maybe this family will one day find the help they need.
How lucky for you that you no longer have to listen to the incessant negative and angry ramblings of an intoxicated person who's mad at the world.
As for the issuse of telling family (or family finding out) I myself am struggling with whether or not I should say something to my husband's sister about what's been happening in my marriage? I've always been against disclosing personal information regarding people's intimate lives, but she seems to be the only person he really has high regard for; She and her spouse are very active Christian's who practice what they preach, however, it may not be in my husband's best interest to say anything to a family member yet? I don't know, it's to soon to gage.
I'm just proud of you for putting your foot down.
A few insults from the apathetic family of a drunk are worth the peace of mind you now have in your life. Try your best to let bygones be bygones and maybe this family will one day find the help they need.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
My motto:
Whatever anyone else thinks about me, is just none of MY business. Its not, so why do we make it our business. Cus we want to be liked.
TO expect really sick people, who have been affected by thier son's alcoholism for a lot longer than you, probably, to be on our side, to see what we see is just insanity. Does he see what you see? No,,,,so how can they? Lower your expectations of thees people, let go of being approved of them, and you will never have resentments towards them. And yes, Iknow what I speak of,,my former in-laws hate me as much of yours do you.
Guess how much time I devote to that hate? 0%.
Whatever anyone else thinks about me, is just none of MY business. Its not, so why do we make it our business. Cus we want to be liked.
TO expect really sick people, who have been affected by thier son's alcoholism for a lot longer than you, probably, to be on our side, to see what we see is just insanity. Does he see what you see? No,,,,so how can they? Lower your expectations of thees people, let go of being approved of them, and you will never have resentments towards them. And yes, Iknow what I speak of,,my former in-laws hate me as much of yours do you.
Guess how much time I devote to that hate? 0%.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Scottsdale, Arizona
Posts: 7
I seriously don't think I would have made it through the day today without being able to have acess to all of your support and kind words.
Latest: His family is concerned that I AM HAVING A BREAKDOWN -??? What?? Yep, must be that I am having some sort of mental issue because I am ACTING THE WAY I AM - hurt, angry, sad, etc. And that I should have helped the family 'stick together' by dealing with this problem (alcohol & abuse) in a 'different' way. Huh?
Thank you so much for helping me to clarify my goals each and every one of your is striving to help me gain. Reading your comments, talking to you all, has kept my feet on the ground when I feel like I am ready to fly off the face of the earth because everything is going nuts around me. (Note; nothing suicidal here, just an anology as to how I have been feeling).
I am going to try to attend an Al-Anon meeting this evening if possible. I have the list and could use the support right now.
Again, thanks for all the concern and comments. They have helped more than you can imagine.
Latest: His family is concerned that I AM HAVING A BREAKDOWN -??? What?? Yep, must be that I am having some sort of mental issue because I am ACTING THE WAY I AM - hurt, angry, sad, etc. And that I should have helped the family 'stick together' by dealing with this problem (alcohol & abuse) in a 'different' way. Huh?
Thank you so much for helping me to clarify my goals each and every one of your is striving to help me gain. Reading your comments, talking to you all, has kept my feet on the ground when I feel like I am ready to fly off the face of the earth because everything is going nuts around me. (Note; nothing suicidal here, just an anology as to how I have been feeling).
I am going to try to attend an Al-Anon meeting this evening if possible. I have the list and could use the support right now.
Again, thanks for all the concern and comments. They have helped more than you can imagine.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Somewhere, Outthere Minnesota
Posts: 5
There is a line in an Amy Grant song that I am reminded by in all of this:
"When the world begins to see you change don't expect them to applaud. Just keep your eyes on Him and tell yourself 'I've become the work of God'".
Others in the desease do not like to have someone else refuse to play the game anymore. It rocks their boat a little too much.
"When the world begins to see you change don't expect them to applaud. Just keep your eyes on Him and tell yourself 'I've become the work of God'".
Others in the desease do not like to have someone else refuse to play the game anymore. It rocks their boat a little too much.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Strong -
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I had my exAH arrested for assaulting me. He was taken to jail and because it was a violation of his probation for a drunk driving ticket, they kept him for 30 days.
I had been close to his family. I had to tell them that he was in jail, what he did and that I was leaving him and moving out of state. At first they were shocked and angry at him because he had never been violent before. I told them that the cops had made the decision to arrest him. They were upset but seemed to understand. His mom has said many times that she feels responsible because she had enabled him his entire adult life. Within a few days they had changed their tune and wanted me to try and get him out of jail because they were sure he would never do something like that again. They thought I should stay with him because he needed me (they didn't want to be responsible for him) and if I did go, I should leave him the vehicle that was in my name because he would need it to work - he didn't have a driver's license! I have never heard from them in the last year and a half even though I have sent birthday and Christmas cards.
They are his family. Blood is thicker than water. They don't want to admit how bad the problem is because if they did they might feel they have to do something about it. It is easier to blame you than admit he has a problem.
YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. YOU ARE CONTINUING TO DO THE RIGHT THING. You need to take care of yourself and keep yourself safe. He deserved to go to jail and your should be proud of yourself for being able to do what needed to be done.
At first I wondered if there was something wrong with me for not missing him. Soon I realized that I was sooooooooo relieved to be out of that situation. I was now afraid of him and no matter how sorry he was I knew that I could never trust him again.
You might have some tough times ahead but you will find that your life without someone like that in it is going to be so much better.
Take care of yourself and realize that his family is just looking for someone to blame. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU DID GOOD!!!!!
Hugs, Jo
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I had my exAH arrested for assaulting me. He was taken to jail and because it was a violation of his probation for a drunk driving ticket, they kept him for 30 days.
I had been close to his family. I had to tell them that he was in jail, what he did and that I was leaving him and moving out of state. At first they were shocked and angry at him because he had never been violent before. I told them that the cops had made the decision to arrest him. They were upset but seemed to understand. His mom has said many times that she feels responsible because she had enabled him his entire adult life. Within a few days they had changed their tune and wanted me to try and get him out of jail because they were sure he would never do something like that again. They thought I should stay with him because he needed me (they didn't want to be responsible for him) and if I did go, I should leave him the vehicle that was in my name because he would need it to work - he didn't have a driver's license! I have never heard from them in the last year and a half even though I have sent birthday and Christmas cards.
They are his family. Blood is thicker than water. They don't want to admit how bad the problem is because if they did they might feel they have to do something about it. It is easier to blame you than admit he has a problem.
YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. YOU ARE CONTINUING TO DO THE RIGHT THING. You need to take care of yourself and keep yourself safe. He deserved to go to jail and your should be proud of yourself for being able to do what needed to be done.
At first I wondered if there was something wrong with me for not missing him. Soon I realized that I was sooooooooo relieved to be out of that situation. I was now afraid of him and no matter how sorry he was I knew that I could never trust him again.
You might have some tough times ahead but you will find that your life without someone like that in it is going to be so much better.
Take care of yourself and realize that his family is just looking for someone to blame. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU DID GOOD!!!!!
Hugs, Jo
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