What I have learnt....
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
What I have learnt....
I have learnt so much over the past 15 months or so and I felt the urge to write some of it down. I hope you will all add to this thread so that we can pool our knowledge. I'm sure I won't get everything out in one sitting, so please don't think this is definitive.
1. That the only person able to effect change in me is ME. Likewise, I cannot effect change in others. The actions I take to change my behaviours or situation MAY elicit change in other people, however if my change is based on the belief that others will change, then I will likely be disappointed.
2. I have learned to see my life as a journey. It is not bound up in a partner, a job, a house or anything else but me. Some people come into my life in order that I learn a lesson. Once that lesson has been learned, I am free to move on if I wish. If I don't learn the lesson, it will re-occur until I get it. Equally, I come into other peoples lives for the same reason. I may sow the seeds in another that may not grow for many years. I don't have to stay around to water them.
3. I don't have to be with a person to love them. Love is about allowing someone to be who they are at any particular time. It is not forcing them to be the person I want them to be. I do not have to sacrifice myself at the altar of another person's history.
4. People do what works for them. It is never personal to me. It is all about them. If someone tries to put me down, it is because it helps them feel good about themselves. Alcoholics drink because that is the best solution they have at the time. When they find a better solution, they will use that instead. People will never seek a better way until they old way has stopped working.
5. First time something happens, I may be a victim. From the second time onwards, I am a volunteer. In order to resolve my situation, I have to work out why I am volunteering for the pain before I can stop it.
6. I learn the really vital lessons through my own experience, not that of others.
7. Actions shout, words whisper. I have to base my decisions on what I see, not on what I hear.
8. All the answers I need are available to me. I only have to be able to listen. They may come to me in different forms and I have to be open to learning at all times.
9. Dwelling on the details keeps me stuck in the drama. Until I am willing to look at the bigger picture and my role in it, nothing will change.
10. Deep down, most alcoholics do not like who they are. I don't believe I can know the "real" person whilst they are not in recovery, whether they are sober or drunk. Many alcoholics hide as much when they are sober as when they are drunk.
11. I have learnt that a comforter is a duvet, a passy is a dummy, a cockapoo is a type of dog, and, most importantly, I don't have to see people to love them. Because I love every one of you here.
What have you learnt?
Thanks for listening.
Minnie
xxx
1. That the only person able to effect change in me is ME. Likewise, I cannot effect change in others. The actions I take to change my behaviours or situation MAY elicit change in other people, however if my change is based on the belief that others will change, then I will likely be disappointed.
2. I have learned to see my life as a journey. It is not bound up in a partner, a job, a house or anything else but me. Some people come into my life in order that I learn a lesson. Once that lesson has been learned, I am free to move on if I wish. If I don't learn the lesson, it will re-occur until I get it. Equally, I come into other peoples lives for the same reason. I may sow the seeds in another that may not grow for many years. I don't have to stay around to water them.
3. I don't have to be with a person to love them. Love is about allowing someone to be who they are at any particular time. It is not forcing them to be the person I want them to be. I do not have to sacrifice myself at the altar of another person's history.
4. People do what works for them. It is never personal to me. It is all about them. If someone tries to put me down, it is because it helps them feel good about themselves. Alcoholics drink because that is the best solution they have at the time. When they find a better solution, they will use that instead. People will never seek a better way until they old way has stopped working.
5. First time something happens, I may be a victim. From the second time onwards, I am a volunteer. In order to resolve my situation, I have to work out why I am volunteering for the pain before I can stop it.
6. I learn the really vital lessons through my own experience, not that of others.
7. Actions shout, words whisper. I have to base my decisions on what I see, not on what I hear.
8. All the answers I need are available to me. I only have to be able to listen. They may come to me in different forms and I have to be open to learning at all times.
9. Dwelling on the details keeps me stuck in the drama. Until I am willing to look at the bigger picture and my role in it, nothing will change.
10. Deep down, most alcoholics do not like who they are. I don't believe I can know the "real" person whilst they are not in recovery, whether they are sober or drunk. Many alcoholics hide as much when they are sober as when they are drunk.
11. I have learnt that a comforter is a duvet, a passy is a dummy, a cockapoo is a type of dog, and, most importantly, I don't have to see people to love them. Because I love every one of you here.
What have you learnt?
Thanks for listening.
Minnie
xxx
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
First off - I love the things you've learned Minnie!! What I love the most is that the whole collection is unique to you - I don't mean there aren't things that others have learned too, but it's yours - your collection and I think that's priceless.
Ok - so here's mine (but it'll be far from complete!).
1. I learned I had limits. There's a song sung by Dido 'I will go down with this ship...' even when I first heard it I knew I couldn't really sing it, but that knowing became very real to me in the last few months. When life gets hard for me there's a will inside more powerful than anything else I think or feel, it's my will to survive. I won't willingly go down with any ship! This one is mine, I taught me.
2. I've affirmed that 'facts' are best held as tempory - not useless or redundant, but held with an awareness that they are no more than the best we have right now. Time will make a fool out of me but that isn't scary, time makes fools out of everyone and the best any of us can do is have a giggle at ourselves and move on. This one D taught me.
3. My crystal ball doesn't work! There's a temptation to gather together every scrap of info in the hope my future or somebody elses will be told - but it doesn't work. I know it's something normal, human and natural and there's probably a productive way of doing it instead of my clumsy way - but I haven't learned that way yet! This one from a post on another forum.
4. Today's drama is tomorrow's memory and the distance makes it smaller. Even if I look at the most harrowing moments of my life I have to acknowledge I'm not as harrowed by them as I was at the time. In the middle of pain it's so hard to remind myself that it passes, to remind myself the problem seems so huge while it's present but is rarely as huge in retrospect. This one my friend Steph told me.
5. Put a laugh in the bank! One of our old lodgers told me this when I was a kid. He said the people who are really rich are those who can laugh often, so be happy when you laugh because you've just put another laugh in the bank. Whether I laugh at myself, the antics of my dogs, D's clowning, my friend's Mum's message on MSN (that had us both in fits), whatever I laugh at to remember to value it. This one is Don's.
6. Strong words are when the heart and mouth speak the same language, that a begger can have stronger words than a king, that a carpenter can have stronger words than an emperor. No - I couldn't fake it till I make it, because this one thing my heart is set on to learn. I'm not there yet but this path matters too deeply to me to give it up. This one a Sri Lanka driver, Chinthaka taught me - his nickname is laughing buddha, not because of his belly and smile, but because of his heart and his helping, or so locals said!
7. To take wisdom from people, I know I walk through a rich harvest of minds, beliefs and thoughts. There's so much on offer and I have the luxury of taking whatever appeals to me. I feel as though it's an incredible orchard of fruits and if I gorge myself indiscriminently I will get sick, if I refuse to take any I will starve, if I chose carefully I can taste new and incredible things and let the proof of the pudding be in the eating. This one is mine, I taught me.
Ok - so here's mine (but it'll be far from complete!).
1. I learned I had limits. There's a song sung by Dido 'I will go down with this ship...' even when I first heard it I knew I couldn't really sing it, but that knowing became very real to me in the last few months. When life gets hard for me there's a will inside more powerful than anything else I think or feel, it's my will to survive. I won't willingly go down with any ship! This one is mine, I taught me.
2. I've affirmed that 'facts' are best held as tempory - not useless or redundant, but held with an awareness that they are no more than the best we have right now. Time will make a fool out of me but that isn't scary, time makes fools out of everyone and the best any of us can do is have a giggle at ourselves and move on. This one D taught me.
3. My crystal ball doesn't work! There's a temptation to gather together every scrap of info in the hope my future or somebody elses will be told - but it doesn't work. I know it's something normal, human and natural and there's probably a productive way of doing it instead of my clumsy way - but I haven't learned that way yet! This one from a post on another forum.
4. Today's drama is tomorrow's memory and the distance makes it smaller. Even if I look at the most harrowing moments of my life I have to acknowledge I'm not as harrowed by them as I was at the time. In the middle of pain it's so hard to remind myself that it passes, to remind myself the problem seems so huge while it's present but is rarely as huge in retrospect. This one my friend Steph told me.
5. Put a laugh in the bank! One of our old lodgers told me this when I was a kid. He said the people who are really rich are those who can laugh often, so be happy when you laugh because you've just put another laugh in the bank. Whether I laugh at myself, the antics of my dogs, D's clowning, my friend's Mum's message on MSN (that had us both in fits), whatever I laugh at to remember to value it. This one is Don's.
6. Strong words are when the heart and mouth speak the same language, that a begger can have stronger words than a king, that a carpenter can have stronger words than an emperor. No - I couldn't fake it till I make it, because this one thing my heart is set on to learn. I'm not there yet but this path matters too deeply to me to give it up. This one a Sri Lanka driver, Chinthaka taught me - his nickname is laughing buddha, not because of his belly and smile, but because of his heart and his helping, or so locals said!
7. To take wisdom from people, I know I walk through a rich harvest of minds, beliefs and thoughts. There's so much on offer and I have the luxury of taking whatever appeals to me. I feel as though it's an incredible orchard of fruits and if I gorge myself indiscriminently I will get sick, if I refuse to take any I will starve, if I chose carefully I can taste new and incredible things and let the proof of the pudding be in the eating. This one is mine, I taught me.
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
WOW!!! What an incredible thread!!!!
I'm looking forward to more lessons understood. I'm afraid mine are not as profound as yours above, but, none the less, they are mine.
I've learned that there is a difference between hope and expectations. Hope is a light in the heart that gives us strength. Expectations are a demand we put upon others - a demand that only bogs us down. I hope.
I've learned I can choose the perspective I will take on life. I choose to be happy that Trevor is still alive and that there is still hope for him, rather than bemoan the fact that he's an active addict. When life gives us lemons, we can choose to make lemonade. Today, I take the positive perspective in life. It's a valid choice.
I've learned everyone of us - so called *normies* and we loved ones of addicts/alcoholics - are better off accepting what is. King Lear railed against the fates. It got him nowhere. In the end, even the King has to accept that which was the will of G*D. Today, I accept that which is.
This thread is going in my personal growth files. I'll add more as I think of them. Thanks for starting this; it's a winner!
Shalom!
I'm looking forward to more lessons understood. I'm afraid mine are not as profound as yours above, but, none the less, they are mine.
I've learned that there is a difference between hope and expectations. Hope is a light in the heart that gives us strength. Expectations are a demand we put upon others - a demand that only bogs us down. I hope.
I've learned I can choose the perspective I will take on life. I choose to be happy that Trevor is still alive and that there is still hope for him, rather than bemoan the fact that he's an active addict. When life gives us lemons, we can choose to make lemonade. Today, I take the positive perspective in life. It's a valid choice.
I've learned everyone of us - so called *normies* and we loved ones of addicts/alcoholics - are better off accepting what is. King Lear railed against the fates. It got him nowhere. In the end, even the King has to accept that which was the will of G*D. Today, I accept that which is.
This thread is going in my personal growth files. I'll add more as I think of them. Thanks for starting this; it's a winner!
Shalom!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Teach!! Yes, accepting reality. I knew there was another one on the tip of my tongue. I have to look my situation square in the face if I have any hope of a resolution in my mind. We can't change what we don't acknowledge, to quote Dr. Phil.
Equus - I was watching Dido on Live8 when she sang that song. I couldn't believe what I was hearing so I went and looked up the lyrics. (White Flag if anyone's interested). I've hummed that song so many times without thinking of the words, but never again.
Equus - I was watching Dido on Live8 when she sang that song. I couldn't believe what I was hearing so I went and looked up the lyrics. (White Flag if anyone's interested). I've hummed that song so many times without thinking of the words, but never again.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
What I don't get is that she also wrote ths:
BLAH!! That's one confused little chickpea!
I want to be a hunter again
I want to see the world alone again
to take a chance on life again
So let me go, let me leave, let me go.
I want to see the world alone again
to take a chance on life again
So let me go, let me leave, let me go.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: northern minnesota
Posts: 269
I love this thread!
Things I have learned:
There is definately a God. And its we who abandon Him as He is always there for us.
Nobody can make me miserable unless I let him. If the alcoholic is under the control of the bottle, why would I let my life be controlled by him? I am the best person at determining what is right for me.
Pursue my own dreams. When I am the best me I can be, that cannot possibly harm the alcoholic, and it feels mighty good.
Pray for those you dislike. It helps to ease the anger and resentments, and God has a much better imagination than I do at payback.
Never ever ever give up. Where there is life, there is hope. For all of us.
Tell your friends thank you. The best types of friends have heard your stories a million times, and still will sit and listen with a comforting word at the end.
Blood may be thicker than water... but crisis really pulls people together.
god bless,
quietsins
Things I have learned:
There is definately a God. And its we who abandon Him as He is always there for us.
Nobody can make me miserable unless I let him. If the alcoholic is under the control of the bottle, why would I let my life be controlled by him? I am the best person at determining what is right for me.
Pursue my own dreams. When I am the best me I can be, that cannot possibly harm the alcoholic, and it feels mighty good.
Pray for those you dislike. It helps to ease the anger and resentments, and God has a much better imagination than I do at payback.
Never ever ever give up. Where there is life, there is hope. For all of us.
Tell your friends thank you. The best types of friends have heard your stories a million times, and still will sit and listen with a comforting word at the end.
Blood may be thicker than water... but crisis really pulls people together.
god bless,
quietsins
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
This is great!
The biggest one for me is that I can't change someone I am not that powerful. This was a slap in the face for me, cuz I really believed I could HA!!
There is so much more, but I'll have to think about it.
Thanks Minnie for a great post.
Mindi
The biggest one for me is that I can't change someone I am not that powerful. This was a slap in the face for me, cuz I really believed I could HA!!
There is so much more, but I'll have to think about it.
Thanks Minnie for a great post.
Mindi
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
You know what else? I have learned that many alcoholics have no empathy before they get into recovery. They have no idea what pain we are in and how much their actions (and inactions) hurt us. We waste so much energy and emotion on people who are unable to give a to$$ about anything but themselves. This sounds vindictive, however I am speaking about reality.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
We waste so much energy and emotion on people who are unable to give a to$$ about anything but themselves.
They certainly gave a toss, maybe because I was just a kid and they were just passing through so no part of me got caught up in trying to change a damn thing. But then they weren't my partner, it's not like I ever thought to express love back.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Hey there Minnie........
I haven't learned as much as the rest of you have I guess but everything said has been thought provoking for me....
#9 lesson hit me the most....that is one I still struggle with, the little things....I used to think I was a big picture person but #9 has me reconsidering.
Thank you everyone for contributing the leasons you have learned, I am inspired....
Love, Patty
I haven't learned as much as the rest of you have I guess but everything said has been thought provoking for me....
#9 lesson hit me the most....that is one I still struggle with, the little things....I used to think I was a big picture person but #9 has me reconsidering.
Thank you everyone for contributing the leasons you have learned, I am inspired....
Love, Patty
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: The sunny southwest
Posts: 97
The biggest, most recent lesson I've learned is about trust. Trust is (just) beginning to get easier for me because I finally figured out that while I was a victim as a child, I am no longer a victim. I can have boundaries that don't let people abuse me. The only one in control of/responsible for my feelings is ME. While I am not responsible for/in control of others' feelings, I am obligated to treat others as I want to be treated.
I've learned that by taking care of myself, I have more to give to my family.
Being angry with someone, or someone being angry with me, doesn't mean they have to be out of my life.
Letting things go and minding my own business, while sometimes hard, really does feel better !
If my husband wants to talk about something, and I get "that" feeling in my stomach (you know the one - when a fight's brewing), it's ok for me to say "I don't want to talk about this right now." I don't have to talk about it right then. I don't have to solve problems right away. It's ok for me to take a little time to decide how I want to handle something.
One thing I'm just beginning to work on, and it's really hard for me right now - is not letting others' behavior affect mine. I tend to get fearful when someone is angry, and react by getting angry back.
I've learned that by taking care of myself, I have more to give to my family.
Being angry with someone, or someone being angry with me, doesn't mean they have to be out of my life.
Letting things go and minding my own business, while sometimes hard, really does feel better !
If my husband wants to talk about something, and I get "that" feeling in my stomach (you know the one - when a fight's brewing), it's ok for me to say "I don't want to talk about this right now." I don't have to talk about it right then. I don't have to solve problems right away. It's ok for me to take a little time to decide how I want to handle something.
One thing I'm just beginning to work on, and it's really hard for me right now - is not letting others' behavior affect mine. I tend to get fearful when someone is angry, and react by getting angry back.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Great thread!
I have learned that feelings are not fact.
I have learned that my obsession with someone elses change is just my way of refusing to look at what I need to change.
I have learned that my own happiness in my own responsibility
I have learned that love does not mean control, pain, or disregard to ones emotions.
I have learned that feelings are not fact.
I have learned that my obsession with someone elses change is just my way of refusing to look at what I need to change.
I have learned that my own happiness in my own responsibility
I have learned that love does not mean control, pain, or disregard to ones emotions.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
****THIS IS AN OLD THREAD****
I was on a nostalgia trip tonight and looking back over the old threads I had started. It's really odd - where did all my wisdom go that I had back then?
Man, I was smart once upon a time.
Anyway, that go-go-gadget-recovery-queen posted some good stuff about what she had learnt and it has helped me to remind myself of it and I thought I'd share for any newbies.
Any other lessons to be added?
I was on a nostalgia trip tonight and looking back over the old threads I had started. It's really odd - where did all my wisdom go that I had back then?
Man, I was smart once upon a time.Anyway, that go-go-gadget-recovery-queen posted some good stuff about what she had learnt and it has helped me to remind myself of it and I thought I'd share for any newbies.
Any other lessons to be added?
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I have a post here on the board titled "What I learned in 2004".
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...4-a-47280.html
Sadly, the year 2005 was horrible. And now we're into 2006 and I have realized that I have to start my recovery over.
Unfortunately I really don't have much to add to this thread. Other than to say that I'm starting over - and hopefully I'll be able to make a much better post (more like the one that I linked too above) soon.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...4-a-47280.html
Sadly, the year 2005 was horrible. And now we're into 2006 and I have realized that I have to start my recovery over.
Unfortunately I really don't have much to add to this thread. Other than to say that I'm starting over - and hopefully I'll be able to make a much better post (more like the one that I linked too above) soon.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Wow ... Great thread as usual Minnie. I struggle with posting what I have learned next to you and Eqqus... you two intimidate me your just too good!
I will have to think about this one and get back to it. OHHHHH and to add... I use to be much smarter then I am now... Probably at my peak since 16... all downhill from there!
your just too good!I will have to think about this one and get back to it. OHHHHH and to add... I use to be much smarter then I am now... Probably at my peak since 16... all downhill from there!
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
For me, learning that I don't have to stop learning. A stale brain makes for a hardened life. I experience a joy when I come to realize something I thought I should have learned years ago.
The process of living with a dry-drunk and a recovering son have given me the push I need to continue living life on my terms and to be open to all ideas and suggestions I read and hear. Even if I don't get it initially, it will come into play in my life eventually. I call that a miracle of sorts.
The process of living with a dry-drunk and a recovering son have given me the push I need to continue living life on my terms and to be open to all ideas and suggestions I read and hear. Even if I don't get it initially, it will come into play in my life eventually. I call that a miracle of sorts.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by minnie
I have learnt that a comforter is a duvet,
Guess I missed this one the 1st time around.
I've learned most everything already mentioned... (thanks to you guys) plus...
Perspective is a fascinating thing.
You can get really attached to a bunch of cyber yakers and consider them family.
Resentment and anger are not worth the effort.
Some stuff about myself I already knew but forgot.
Some stuff about myself I didn't know.
How to post pics in a thread.
How to type in a Spanish accent.
A host of British slang words and how to curse in British.
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