Setting Boundries
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Santa Rosa, CA
Posts: 34
Setting Boundries
At my last therapy session, my therapist said that I needed to establish firm boundries with my AH. He "supposedly" has been sober for 3 weeks now, but IMHO, that is highly debatable. My boundries with him this time concern conversations. Everytime we talk he tries to "lure" me into the protracted, convuluted conversations that seem to feed his insecurities and his A behavior.
Yesterday morning, after attending an AA meeting, he came home and started asking me the "Why aren't you physically attracted to me?", "Why don't you want me to touch you?", etc, etc. etc. Using my new (yet entirely unpracticed) meditation/mantra techniques, I was able to plug me ears and repeat my mantra over and over and over and not get engaged in this conversation with him. This really started to **** him off. He got more and more agitated and wouldn't leave me alone until I exploded and told him to "Leave me the F alone." Nice, huh? This is his "trigger" for drinking (sex) and the fact that I wouldn't bite when he was going on and on really unsettled him. I have explained to him for the last 3 weeks that until I saw a solid program with sobriety and joint marriage counseling, there wasn't going to be any physical intimacy. He just doesn't get it.
I'm beginning to wonder if he doesn't suffer from some psychiatric issues that enhance the A personality or if the A personality brings out the psychiatric issues. Either way, he's acting every bit the drunk without drinking (emotionally).
The good new is that my DD went to an Al-Anon meeting with me on Friday night. She's 16 yo and would never consider going to Al-Ateen, but when I asked if she wanted to go with me to the meeting she said yes. I think in some way, she really enjoyed it. (My AH is not her dad)
We'll see what today brings, the day is young!!
Yesterday morning, after attending an AA meeting, he came home and started asking me the "Why aren't you physically attracted to me?", "Why don't you want me to touch you?", etc, etc. etc. Using my new (yet entirely unpracticed) meditation/mantra techniques, I was able to plug me ears and repeat my mantra over and over and over and not get engaged in this conversation with him. This really started to **** him off. He got more and more agitated and wouldn't leave me alone until I exploded and told him to "Leave me the F alone." Nice, huh? This is his "trigger" for drinking (sex) and the fact that I wouldn't bite when he was going on and on really unsettled him. I have explained to him for the last 3 weeks that until I saw a solid program with sobriety and joint marriage counseling, there wasn't going to be any physical intimacy. He just doesn't get it.
I'm beginning to wonder if he doesn't suffer from some psychiatric issues that enhance the A personality or if the A personality brings out the psychiatric issues. Either way, he's acting every bit the drunk without drinking (emotionally).
The good new is that my DD went to an Al-Anon meeting with me on Friday night. She's 16 yo and would never consider going to Al-Ateen, but when I asked if she wanted to go with me to the meeting she said yes. I think in some way, she really enjoyed it. (My AH is not her dad)
We'll see what today brings, the day is young!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Hi narekkm,
Good for you for sticking with your boundaries. A's are like little kids. They throw temper tantrums if they can't get their way. It seems like men are most sensitive in the sexual area. They think about it constantly and are insecure about their "manhood" when turned down. But, like Gianna said, who's gonna be attracted to a smelly drunk who may even fall asleep while trying to have sex?
I'm sure you'll have no problem in sticking to your boundaries.
Hi Gianna!
My xabf was once SO attractive. The girls in school all loved him. We all did cuz he was so charming and sweet and kinda shy, but fun.
As he became older and more angry and then started drinking........he's aged so much. Looks totally different. He's skinny, wrinkled and grey hair and we're in our early-mid 40's. He hasn't looked healthy in a long time. I always loved him for his heart....the one I could see every now and then that would open up when not drunk and him feeling more secure to communicate with.
It's sad, but they will go looking for something else, someone else when we lay down the boundaries. BUT, whomever or whatever they run to, will end up in the same situation of being manipulated as we were. Then, on to the next. It's a vicious cycle.
Good for you for sticking with your boundaries. A's are like little kids. They throw temper tantrums if they can't get their way. It seems like men are most sensitive in the sexual area. They think about it constantly and are insecure about their "manhood" when turned down. But, like Gianna said, who's gonna be attracted to a smelly drunk who may even fall asleep while trying to have sex?
I'm sure you'll have no problem in sticking to your boundaries.
Hi Gianna!
My xabf was once SO attractive. The girls in school all loved him. We all did cuz he was so charming and sweet and kinda shy, but fun.
As he became older and more angry and then started drinking........he's aged so much. Looks totally different. He's skinny, wrinkled and grey hair and we're in our early-mid 40's. He hasn't looked healthy in a long time. I always loved him for his heart....the one I could see every now and then that would open up when not drunk and him feeling more secure to communicate with.
It's sad, but they will go looking for something else, someone else when we lay down the boundaries. BUT, whomever or whatever they run to, will end up in the same situation of being manipulated as we were. Then, on to the next. It's a vicious cycle.
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