Question For All Of You...
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Question For All Of You...
Hello,
Well with everything that has happened in the past and with recent events as they were,
I must ask you all a question here.
Since it has been over a year now, we already know I must take some sort of legal action to protect myself legally.
But I do believe and here is my question that I do need to talk to her on her plans or thoughts on all other matters.
This includes divorce and any other loose end regarding the business of our marriage.
Now how to go about this since all mail is returned is another question.
I have the phone number so I can also leave a message, and there is the chance that her boyfriend will get the phone.
I guess I really should not worry about this.
This is crazy enough right now and she seems not to want to face anything.
But a sit down to put everything on the table would help set my mind straight.
I think this because she has not made any legal moves since she left over a year ago.
I really need to move forward!
Please respond with any thoughts!
Thank you all.
Christian
Well with everything that has happened in the past and with recent events as they were,
I must ask you all a question here.
Since it has been over a year now, we already know I must take some sort of legal action to protect myself legally.
But I do believe and here is my question that I do need to talk to her on her plans or thoughts on all other matters.
This includes divorce and any other loose end regarding the business of our marriage.
Now how to go about this since all mail is returned is another question.
I have the phone number so I can also leave a message, and there is the chance that her boyfriend will get the phone.
I guess I really should not worry about this.
This is crazy enough right now and she seems not to want to face anything.
But a sit down to put everything on the table would help set my mind straight.
I think this because she has not made any legal moves since she left over a year ago.
I really need to move forward!
Please respond with any thoughts!
Thank you all.
Christian
Ugh!
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Enchanted Elmoland
Posts: 180
Mr. Christian,
Have you had a consultation with an attorney? If you plan to, make sure you get a referral! I have a pal who went to one and it was just to be a free first meeting and got charged $600 bucks for paper-work she never wanted done. Myself I found an attorney through a referral and was charged $80. and got a clear understanding of where I stood, and after that I lost any need to communicate what I wanted, what he wanted etc. after that consultation. Of course that was just me. I had always wanted some sort of closure to the relationship. Wanted to hear him sob that I cannot go or whatever. Of course with an alcoholic you may never get that, right? I'm wondering if putting everything out on the table, is really going to help you or if it will just bring out emotions that are beginning to heal. Seems like everytime I tried to put things out on the table it has prolonged some pretty bad emotions and kept me sick. Again that is just me, and being the codependent that I am, I want to control the situation. If he knows I'm leaving, and wants to talk about who gets what, he'll bring it up. I guess my point is just to make sure you are not opening up a can of worms you don't want to open.
and just another thought, if she's not made any legal moves in a year there is probably a reason for that, again I would consult an attorney myself. Not sure if you have, but it's worth it!
I know you have lots of faith! Use that as your guide.
Big Hugs,
Faithchaser
Have you had a consultation with an attorney? If you plan to, make sure you get a referral! I have a pal who went to one and it was just to be a free first meeting and got charged $600 bucks for paper-work she never wanted done. Myself I found an attorney through a referral and was charged $80. and got a clear understanding of where I stood, and after that I lost any need to communicate what I wanted, what he wanted etc. after that consultation. Of course that was just me. I had always wanted some sort of closure to the relationship. Wanted to hear him sob that I cannot go or whatever. Of course with an alcoholic you may never get that, right? I'm wondering if putting everything out on the table, is really going to help you or if it will just bring out emotions that are beginning to heal. Seems like everytime I tried to put things out on the table it has prolonged some pretty bad emotions and kept me sick. Again that is just me, and being the codependent that I am, I want to control the situation. If he knows I'm leaving, and wants to talk about who gets what, he'll bring it up. I guess my point is just to make sure you are not opening up a can of worms you don't want to open.
and just another thought, if she's not made any legal moves in a year there is probably a reason for that, again I would consult an attorney myself. Not sure if you have, but it's worth it!
I know you have lots of faith! Use that as your guide.
Big Hugs,
Faithchaser
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Somewhere in the middle of it all!
Posts: 16
Christian - I think it sounds like it's time for some closure....you are at risk since you are still legally married to her. Consult a lawyer and have them serve her the papers...that will get her communicating. I wouldn't be so concerned over what she wants...it should be about what you want. IMHO, you are being too kind.
I think if you get all of the fees up front in writing from a lawyer, then you should be fine. Consult your local area Bar Association for a referral.
Good luck!
I think if you get all of the fees up front in writing from a lawyer, then you should be fine. Consult your local area Bar Association for a referral.
Good luck!
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
The atty. thing is the best. This is what we did in an instance involving my husband's ex. There was a legal conflict and she refused to respond in anyway. So we were advised to send her a letter, "certified, return receipt requested". I think that's what they call it. It's where they have to sign for it. The post office will make 3 attempts to deliver it and if she refuses to sign for it or accept delivery, you will have documented proof from the post office because each attempt will be dated.
Than in your mind and heart, you will know that you have made every possible effort to communicate with her regarding the issues.
But getting an attorney is your best bet.
Than in your mind and heart, you will know that you have made every possible effort to communicate with her regarding the issues.
But getting an attorney is your best bet.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
Chris, I agree.
You really don't need to talk to her, the truth is you want to talk to her.
Get the paperwork drafted. Have her served with them. If she wants to answer or alter what you've decided is fair, she will. If she doesn't, that means she agrees.
It can be simple if you let it. Find an attorney and as the Nike ads say, just do it!
You really don't need to talk to her, the truth is you want to talk to her.
Get the paperwork drafted. Have her served with them. If she wants to answer or alter what you've decided is fair, she will. If she doesn't, that means she agrees.
It can be simple if you let it. Find an attorney and as the Nike ads say, just do it!
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Mr. Christian - I found myself in the same situation. Multiple attempts to reason w/ and resolve the legal issues surrounding "splitting up", was as unproductive as any attempt to communicate about ANY issue.
After several months of "limbo", I knew I had no choice but to get the legal system involved. I was referred to and hired a very good attorney, filed for divorce, had her served w/ papers, and the process is moving forward even if my soon to be xAW continues to ignore "this problem", like she does all others. Not my preference at all but there was no hope of working out a property settlement agreement w/ my practicing addict.
Find a good attorney, have questions written out, and write down the answers. Do as much research as you can about the laws of your state. The internet is a wealth of information. Don't use your attorney like a Therapist, they'll sit there and listen to you vent about your problems at $325/hr, no problem. Keep the conversation limited to legal issues only. I have saved a ton of legal fees by doing all the "para legal" work myself. In my home office, I have two boxes of paperwork, financial records, court filings, responses to court filings, cell phone call detail records, bank statements, etc...
I know it's tough, dealing w/ all this crap on top of all the emotional pain of loss... That which does not kill us makes us stronger! (I keep telling myself)
Good luck!
After several months of "limbo", I knew I had no choice but to get the legal system involved. I was referred to and hired a very good attorney, filed for divorce, had her served w/ papers, and the process is moving forward even if my soon to be xAW continues to ignore "this problem", like she does all others. Not my preference at all but there was no hope of working out a property settlement agreement w/ my practicing addict.
Find a good attorney, have questions written out, and write down the answers. Do as much research as you can about the laws of your state. The internet is a wealth of information. Don't use your attorney like a Therapist, they'll sit there and listen to you vent about your problems at $325/hr, no problem. Keep the conversation limited to legal issues only. I have saved a ton of legal fees by doing all the "para legal" work myself. In my home office, I have two boxes of paperwork, financial records, court filings, responses to court filings, cell phone call detail records, bank statements, etc...
I know it's tough, dealing w/ all this crap on top of all the emotional pain of loss... That which does not kill us makes us stronger! (I keep telling myself)
Good luck!
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Thank you all for writing.
I guess I’ve really no recourse but to hit legal.
I’ve done some research and found that I make too much money for any type of legal aid and not enough money for a real attorney.
So I guess the para legal rout will be my best bet, if not doing it myself.
It is true that I would like to talk with her also.
There is in my mind at least a lot of unresolved issues.
I guess with her it is easier to ignore a problem rather then face it.
She is a runner, and she finds it easy to hide from a problem.
I’ve been more then patient with her, it is just really hard for me to see her as an adversary.
My feelings for her I believe are stopping me from any action.
I guess I’ve really no recourse but to hit legal.
I’ve done some research and found that I make too much money for any type of legal aid and not enough money for a real attorney.
So I guess the para legal rout will be my best bet, if not doing it myself.
It is true that I would like to talk with her also.
There is in my mind at least a lot of unresolved issues.
I guess with her it is easier to ignore a problem rather then face it.
She is a runner, and she finds it easy to hide from a problem.
I’ve been more then patient with her, it is just really hard for me to see her as an adversary.
My feelings for her I believe are stopping me from any action.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
In my yellow pages under attorney ads, some say free first consultation, but does not say how many min. or how many questions. Another ad says, "Free first 30 min. interview.
Myself I would start calling, ask the secretary some questions.
I would think they would serve her with papers, she would not respond, after a certain amount of time you would get the divorce by default or whatever.
Just my take on this, but we never know. Depends on if someone tells her to fight and helps her, otherwise on her own she probably won't respond.
I suspect she will threaten to do all kinds of things, but probably just talk.
However we never know. so don't plan on the simple out come, just go in with determination. OK??.
Just my thoughts, we all need to go with our gut, but if you take a step you will gain insight and confidence about what you need to do.
Please start checking out attorneys.
Myself I would start calling, ask the secretary some questions.
I would think they would serve her with papers, she would not respond, after a certain amount of time you would get the divorce by default or whatever.
Just my take on this, but we never know. Depends on if someone tells her to fight and helps her, otherwise on her own she probably won't respond.
I suspect she will threaten to do all kinds of things, but probably just talk.
However we never know. so don't plan on the simple out come, just go in with determination. OK??.
Just my thoughts, we all need to go with our gut, but if you take a step you will gain insight and confidence about what you need to do.
Please start checking out attorneys.
caughtup
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Western part of NY
Posts: 31
It is almost always difficult to end a marriage, with or without addictions. Unresolved issues are hard to overcome, but even without talking with her, (unfortunately, even if you do get to talk to her, you may not resove those issues) but you can "get past" them eventually ... one day at a time ... it is difficult to get on with your life, but believe that you deserve it and take the steps you can take, when you are ready ... just protect yourself with an attorney ...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Hi Mr. Christian,
Great advice given. All seem to agree on the same next step option for you to take. I know it must be hard for you to do this. It makes it permanent and sometimes, we still hold on to our hopes and dreams of somehow it not coming to that.
My only difference in the advice would be to talk to a paralegal. They charge much less than the attorney's. You MAY be able to have a mediator help settle any disagreements before it enters court for the final decree. Although, your XAW would need to be there to mediate with, the mediator is professional enough to handle any problems there may be due to her maybe having an outburst or whatever. They're used to that and can keep it on the right path.
Good luck and please keep us informed!
((hugs))
Great advice given. All seem to agree on the same next step option for you to take. I know it must be hard for you to do this. It makes it permanent and sometimes, we still hold on to our hopes and dreams of somehow it not coming to that.
My only difference in the advice would be to talk to a paralegal. They charge much less than the attorney's. You MAY be able to have a mediator help settle any disagreements before it enters court for the final decree. Although, your XAW would need to be there to mediate with, the mediator is professional enough to handle any problems there may be due to her maybe having an outburst or whatever. They're used to that and can keep it on the right path.
Good luck and please keep us informed!
((hugs))
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