juliajane

Hi,
I have posted just a few times before but my brief story has been about my problems with my bf's drinking (been together 2.5 years). He is an alchoholic who drinks as daily maintenance but literally worships the ground I walk on making my unhappiness a long difficult struggle to untangle. I have been in therapy for over a year and went to 2 alanon meetings a few weeks ago (my first 2) and have learned that my emotional needs are not being met despite the impression I have had that they *should* be with the illusion that surrounds my relationship. I finally got to the point where despite my strong love for him, i needed to end this.

But in my attempts to break up, i was finding the words 'i'm leaving you' impossible to spit out. I did say that i was done and that since he can't stop drinking, we can't be together. This was last Thursday...Well he now has stopped. For now at least. We spent our first evening together without him having a drink in 2.5 years and it was pretty amazing at how different it was, however subtle. He had to take an atavan to go to sleep but succeeded in not drinking. I did not spend time with him this weekend but he went out once and was the designated driver for his friends on Friday night. On saturday night he said he wasn't going to go out because the temptation was too strong to drink. In all the times he has tried to stop before, he has done just that...'tried'. This is the first time he actually stopped drinking instead of just cutting down and i can tell the difference. But now I am confused at what to do. I never expected him to make this kind of effort as his denial of his problem has been pretty back and forth. I mentioned joining AA to make sure he has a support system but he very adament about doing this on his own. I have little faith this will last but he needs support right now and not doubt. Here I was about to break up with him and now I feel like sticking this through a little longer to see what comes up. But now i am nervous as to what we should do together. So much of our time was spent chatting over drinks at bars....I feel like I am at a loss for how non-drinkers spend their time. I don't always drink but was used to his program. Not to mention I am still nervous about sticking in my relationship when i was so close to walking out....

I would be interested to know what couples who have chosen a non-drinking lifestyle have done as replacement activities to drinking.

Minx1969

Juliajane,

Been following your threads..keep going to Alanon..it will help you get through whatever you need to get through.

Unfortunately just because he is not drinking (but using Atavan!) he is not sober or in recovery..he could very easily switch one addiction to another..I've been with someone who did that..(alcohol to Ativan..) He was emotionally unavailable as well..

You wanted to end the relationship because your needs are not being met..What has changed? All that his not drinking is going to do is..he's not drinking..

Nothing has changed if nothing changes..if he started going to AA or therapy it probably would still be a long road ahead of you..

What do you want? What does your ideal relationship look like?

As for your question about what non-drinkers do..there's a whole world out there!

Cooking classes, museums, theatre, music, minature golf, lectures..etc etc..etc..

I think you need to move forward with your life..if while you are apart, he cleans up his act (and his actions not his words will tell you that)..you might have a chance..

Good luck.

whiston

Hi Juliajane
You will probably find that in time he will bore the hell out of you. I was so...so in love with my Alcoholic and stupidly thought that when he stopped drinking we would be made up in heaven. But it's not like that. Like your Alcoholic, mine went to a couple of AA meetings but decided he could do it himself. He swapped alcohol for sleeping pills and pain killers and what a pain in the arse he was! I like a drink myself, luckily I know when to stop and how to be sensible about it. But I couldn't drink in the house, I couldn't have the smell of alcohol on my breath if I'd been out with a friend and the rest of the time, I sat watching TV drinking tea with my recovering alcoholic! If your life has revolved around drink for a long time and you have no other interests, it's hard work. My alcoholic was a genius, more so when drunk. He made me laugh, he entertained me with his wit. He even managed to write some good pieces of work which were published. I adored him and no man could compare with the way he made me feel. He was larger than life. But when he stopped drinking..............a shy, inhibited person emerged. So inhibited, he couldn't even bear to touch me in bed. His life revolved around making tea and doing the washing up and watching soaps on TV. Behind every alcoholic there is a different person hidden. It's the person they keep to themselves and they use alcohol as a cloak to hide behind. Some have lovely hidden characters, others are not so lovely. You have to decide which character he has to make it worth your while sticking around.

juliajane

Thanks for your comments. I have had a difficult time this year as I actually really enjoy the time I have with my boyfriend - even at bars! Recognizing why I feel sad underneath it all has been a long road for me. When I went to my first Alanon meeting, I was blown away. All of the experiences I have had in every relationship seemed to suddenly form a single pathway behind me. I didn't have alchoholic parents but I did have a family where emotional expression in any form (mad, sad, etc.) was highly frowned upon. I am obsessed with being perfect and with pleasing others although as i age..it becomes increasingly impossible and things start to change...

I no longer wonder why the closest people in my life are either alchoholics or children of alchohlics as I have kinship and a place in this world of muted emotions. I am trying to the change the rules now but i have to admit that I am not completely ready to work a 12 step program as presented in Alanon. I plan to keep going but I am still absorbing the concepts for the time being. I feel I am ready to receive the love that I have been withholding from myself but finding my own voice in this matter has been difficult. I have felt pressure from my therapist to take action (break up with abf) and she even commented last thursday "see if you can't take care of it before you go away for the weekend so you have some time to deal with it before coming back to work on Monday." My desire to perform in therapy has further alienated me from what learning track I am on and from what my natural timeline is. we have discussed this concern of mine but I don't feel like we have dealt with it. I have begun to wonder if people like me don't have a true 'rock bottom' unless they force it upon themselves? I have seriously considered changing therapists but i am actually stalled with the fear that I am running away from her because i am running from a truth....and then i worry in contrast am i so co-dependant that I cannot even 'break up' with my therapist....and the circle goes round and round.

To clarify - my abf is resistant to any kind of medication (won't even take aspirin). He has atavin for panic attacks but only takes it in emergencies and just recently refilled his prescription with the anticipation of quitting. he has mentioned to me his reluctance to take it as he does not want to become reliant on it. In fact I think this is one of his larger problems...I believe he suffers from depression/anxiety and uses alchohol instead of possible medication to treat his problems. He has been in therapy for over 2 years but even his therapist is telling him now that they cannot go further while he is still choosing to drink. He has strong negative opinions about anti-depressants.

Thanks for commenting and listening. It does help.