Need advice fast
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Hon, WTL is right. You may never get closure. Actually, just writing this has made me realise that is the reason why I have been stuck in a rut for these past 7 months! Thank you! Goodness, I feel very odd now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
I don't want to sound like a stick in the mud, but I have been there and I am being realistic in what I say. Even if she goes into treatment, there is no guarantee that it will "take." I have lived through 2 out patient programs and 20 hospital trips that resulted in 3 day detox......the man is still drinking, go figure....
It is a good thing that you are a decisive person, a lot of us here aren't that fortunate....you will know (decide) when the time is right "enough is enough." Being in limbo is an awful place to be, it's right up there with living with an active alcoholic....
I wish you a speedy solution and hugs to you.
Love, Patty
It is a good thing that you are a decisive person, a lot of us here aren't that fortunate....you will know (decide) when the time is right "enough is enough." Being in limbo is an awful place to be, it's right up there with living with an active alcoholic....
I wish you a speedy solution and hugs to you.
Love, Patty
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
gbtusa99 - Your post was hard for me to read. Your story is very similar to mine. I decided not to live like that any longer and the kids made the same decision. She made her choice. She is out of our lives now and has been since last fall. There's much less drama in our lives now. Much less complication. Much less pain, but still one dull pain remains.
I know your pain. I know you miss your wife. I miss mine too. But I don't miss my AW.
I know your pain. I know you miss your wife. I miss mine too. But I don't miss my AW.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 12
Been A long time but...
Well, I'm back. Need some feedback.
My wife left the house for about 7 weeks. Came back one Friday night 2 weeks after the kids went back to school. Told us all that she did not have a drinking problem. I had really hoped that the time away would do her some good.
Came to find out later that she sought counseling at a Domestic Abuse Center and now I am a domestic abuser in her mind because my son and I tried to prevent her from driving while drunk a few day before the intervention. I found out later that an attorney told her to come back home and trap me and this time call 911 and "do it right". This is why she moved back in. We were all so shocked that she came back and then later hopeful that she had changed that we did not ask her to leave.
As a result of the abuse claim, I decided I could no longer live in this crazy hell she has placed us in and I have filed for divorce. Meanwhile she is still in the house, not drinking at least at home. As my son says "she doesn't live with us she just sleeps here". My kids understand that I have filed for divorce and while they are sad that it has come to this they seem to understand. I have asked for a hearing to temporary custody until the final outcome of the divorce is settled.
My concern is this. My attorney seems very comfortable that I will get custody, so much so that he is not going to make a big deal at the hearing. I feel like I need some extra information and maybe take some more steps in preparation for the hearing so that I am certain I can convince the judge that my wife has a drinking problem. Has anyone been down this road. How can I be sure to convince the judge. I'm terrified that somehow I am going to lose my kids. The hearing is supposed to be next week, though now she is saying that she is going to petition the court for a new judge.
Me, I am still crazy. As recently as yesterday I had planned to have dinner with her, in a last ditch hope that I could get through to her. Instead went to her drinking buddys house and supposedly fell asleep and stood me up. I awoke this morning to a note of apology, saying that she has been working so hard that she was very tired.
I can't take this anymore, I need to do everything I can to make it to this hearing and get custody of my kids so we can move on with our lives.
Feedback please.
My wife left the house for about 7 weeks. Came back one Friday night 2 weeks after the kids went back to school. Told us all that she did not have a drinking problem. I had really hoped that the time away would do her some good.
Came to find out later that she sought counseling at a Domestic Abuse Center and now I am a domestic abuser in her mind because my son and I tried to prevent her from driving while drunk a few day before the intervention. I found out later that an attorney told her to come back home and trap me and this time call 911 and "do it right". This is why she moved back in. We were all so shocked that she came back and then later hopeful that she had changed that we did not ask her to leave.
As a result of the abuse claim, I decided I could no longer live in this crazy hell she has placed us in and I have filed for divorce. Meanwhile she is still in the house, not drinking at least at home. As my son says "she doesn't live with us she just sleeps here". My kids understand that I have filed for divorce and while they are sad that it has come to this they seem to understand. I have asked for a hearing to temporary custody until the final outcome of the divorce is settled.
My concern is this. My attorney seems very comfortable that I will get custody, so much so that he is not going to make a big deal at the hearing. I feel like I need some extra information and maybe take some more steps in preparation for the hearing so that I am certain I can convince the judge that my wife has a drinking problem. Has anyone been down this road. How can I be sure to convince the judge. I'm terrified that somehow I am going to lose my kids. The hearing is supposed to be next week, though now she is saying that she is going to petition the court for a new judge.
Me, I am still crazy. As recently as yesterday I had planned to have dinner with her, in a last ditch hope that I could get through to her. Instead went to her drinking buddys house and supposedly fell asleep and stood me up. I awoke this morning to a note of apology, saying that she has been working so hard that she was very tired.
I can't take this anymore, I need to do everything I can to make it to this hearing and get custody of my kids so we can move on with our lives.
Feedback please.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
((((sweetie))))
You've done the right thing in going for the divorce, imho. If I were you, I would write down EVERYTHING you can remember about every incident that has happened when she's been drunk. You never know when this will be useful.
I don't know anything about divorce procedure, but I'm sure others on here will.
Hang in there.
You've done the right thing in going for the divorce, imho. If I were you, I would write down EVERYTHING you can remember about every incident that has happened when she's been drunk. You never know when this will be useful.
I don't know anything about divorce procedure, but I'm sure others on here will.
Hang in there.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
gtbusa - tough one, sounds like she got a smart lawyer, probably told her don't leave, gather proof he's the bad guy. Real crappy situation for you and the kids. Minnie is right, write down everything before it's too hard to remember. File for divorce, go through the motions, ask for soul use of the marital home and temp cutosdy of the children. Thats' really all you can do for right now. Do you know the laws of your state? Equitable distribution? research, research, research. Do you have a good Lawyer?
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
In your state can't the childern ask for one parent or the other?? Isn't that age 14??
Tell the childern to be prepared.
Guess each lawyer has to believe their client. If he doesn't really believe her and knows she will lose, he still gets paid big bucks I suspect. Just thoughts, as I do not know this, but have heard much about some lawyers.
Just go for divorce would be what I think. If she gets well and truely loves you, someday it could work out, but I woud not remarry for 5 years, or if ever. to see if she has good solid sobriety etc. and she realizes she has to work on it the rest of her life.
In the meantime you are both free to live your own lives, she can get well or continue. If you find someone else, then that is her lose.(sp)?
Just my thoughts. I would have a good talk with attorney and ask if you could win.
Hopefully you have never abused her, only taking away the keys, or frustrating remarks. Jazzman is right, research, research. All good help from everyone.
Wanting the best for all of you.
Tell the childern to be prepared.
Guess each lawyer has to believe their client. If he doesn't really believe her and knows she will lose, he still gets paid big bucks I suspect. Just thoughts, as I do not know this, but have heard much about some lawyers.
Just go for divorce would be what I think. If she gets well and truely loves you, someday it could work out, but I woud not remarry for 5 years, or if ever. to see if she has good solid sobriety etc. and she realizes she has to work on it the rest of her life.
In the meantime you are both free to live your own lives, she can get well or continue. If you find someone else, then that is her lose.(sp)?
Just my thoughts. I would have a good talk with attorney and ask if you could win.
Hopefully you have never abused her, only taking away the keys, or frustrating remarks. Jazzman is right, research, research. All good help from everyone.
Wanting the best for all of you.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
gtbusa - you will need all the proof or testimony (you can get your hands on) that she is what you say. Any driving/accident records? Medical records? any kind of financial instability records? Medication records? You mentioned intervention, how many ppl would testify that she has a drinking problem? Or neighbors that can testify she's been gone for 7 weeks? Can you envision your children being asked by a judge if mommy drinks too much? Or did mommy move out? Could they/you handle that? Any joint accounts she has access to? Joint credit cards, equity loans?
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
gtbusa - I re-read the entire thread again, keep thinking of things.. get a list of perscriptions from the pharmacey showing all the ADs, free and only takes minutes. Your kids are old enough that a Judge would probably ask them for their desired living arrangement. I knew my divorce (looming in just a week) had real potential to get real ugly. I got a real good trial Lawyer early on in the process. My Lawyer found a precedence setting case in the state of VA where, you can't divorce a drunk, but you can divorce a mean and nasty drunk...(Hoeffecker v. Hoeffecker, 200 VA 119(1058)). Not sure if your Lawyer has a good strategy...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 12
I'm back, after several counseling sessions and meetings with my attorney. My wife and I have met twice with a family counselor and this counselor confronted my wife yesterday telling her that she is not ready to label her as an A but she certainly has A behavior. This was good for my side as now I have someone you can attest to this. She also confronted her on the abuse issue and told my wife that she may feel abused but my behavior is not abusive. So...I am feeling better about my standing here.
In my state, kids 14 and above can select which parent they want to live with. My attorney does not even think I need to involve the kids at this point.
My wife is asking me to delay the hearing so we can continue to try to work things out. I told her nothing short of an admission of her alcholism would make me want to do that. She is not ready to admit it, however I can tell that she may be getting close. She is starting to see the reality of losing her family.
In my state, kids 14 and above can select which parent they want to live with. My attorney does not even think I need to involve the kids at this point.
My wife is asking me to delay the hearing so we can continue to try to work things out. I told her nothing short of an admission of her alcholism would make me want to do that. She is not ready to admit it, however I can tell that she may be getting close. She is starting to see the reality of losing her family.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
An in patient treatment for 28 days would be best, if you have good insurance might be covered. Then 90 meeting in 90 days.
Addiction is really difficult to overcome, many relapse many times.
Was this a recoverying alcoholic counselor?? They are best. They can share been there done that. The A seems to relate better.
Just my 2 cents.
Addiction is really difficult to overcome, many relapse many times.
Was this a recoverying alcoholic counselor?? They are best. They can share been there done that. The A seems to relate better.
Just my 2 cents.
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