ellima01

I haven't been on in a while- good to be baack!
Well all is the same with my AH- pint a day, crack too--
Last night he picked me up at work and started his "I'm sick of life" thing. He says if he was brave enough he would commit suicide. Says he has nothing at all in this world.
I said "what about me?" He says- "You always make it about you" I think I should mead something!
I am just really sick of hearing it.
I promised my self when he started it last night that I would NOT engage in that conversation- and mostly I just let him rant. He is the most miserable person I have ever known.
His baby brother is getting married Sat. (his bro is 12 years his junior)- and is a Great kid-
anyway- my AH is SOOOO jealous because his mom and dad are helping financially with the wedding - they are good people- they would do as much for him (money wise) except they know it goes for drugs and alcohol.
I am just tired of him stealing my good moods- and complaining all the time.
He said to me last night that I have never walked in his shoes- that I don't know what pain is-
HELLO!!!!!!
My first husband died of cancer- I do know what suffering is- I just choose not to be a bitter ass and continue livibg!!!
thanks for letting me vent
ellima01

Laura_298

A good idea might be to tell him you need some time and distance to work on your own pain. He says you have no idea about pain, but obviously you do. He sounds like he is in serious danger of dying. You guys are stuck in roles: he's the "screw-up", you're the "one who wants him to change". A pattern needs to be rearranged for anything to change.

Someone on the boards said, "If we do what we always did, we will get what we always got."

The book "The Dance of Anger" has an EXCELLENT chapter on people dealing with a person with "I'm a screw-up" syndrome. It's talked about ways to change your own behavior that invariabley changes the very situation you find yourself in.

One suggestion in the book is to remember that you are allowed to be human, and need time alone. You are allowed to claim your anger and even say, "I'm sick of you and your addictions, I am really depressed and need help."

ellima01

Thanks laura- I know I need some "me time"- I just need to figure out how to get that-
Yes, I also know he is in danger of dying- I work in an ER- I see it daily. I worry that he will get sick- I 've been through that before- I don't think I could go through it again.
I love him, but he's killing me.

sunshinebluesky

i know the feeling of them bringing you down with their poor me attitudes. many people have been thru many things in their lives, but it seems to the a that no one could possibly have been as misfortunate as them. my ex doesnt even have a clue to what misfortune is........what REAL pain is. he is 44 and has never lost a loved one to death, never had a sick child, never had sickness or accidents himself. he has just gone thru...life...............
he had me wondering about my own self that i actually called an old friend of mine that i grew up with and remained friends with for a very long time, and asked her if i was ever too much of a whiner or complainer.....because he got me started thinking that in some points of my life i was.........AND I NEVER WANT TO BE LIKE THAT AGAIN. thankfully she said no, she didnt feel that way at all, except for ONE time that i was ranting about the neighbor accusing my dog of crapping in his yard (he also had a dog!) and her daughter who is now like 23 years old,and lays in a nursing home bed,unable to walk talk do anything....was at the time going thru some REAL stuff...........she said that was the only time she wanted to smack me upside the head, and i sure as hell dont blame her now in thinking about it!!!! in fact, next time i see her i might just tell her to!!!