So what if he isn't...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
So what if he isn't...
I have been thinking about my situation and reading posts. I am really believing that I do not want a life with an A. I do not want to bring children into a family that has a major problem like an A parent. I have read and understand that it does progress.
However, I simply cannot figure out if he is truly an A or not. The last thing I want to do is leave a man I love for nothing. What if I decide to go, and it was not even necessary? I have told him "we" can't continue drinking as much when we have kids (using "we" because it's less confrontational), and he agrees with me and tells me he'll slow down when we have kids. BUT WHAT IF HE DOESN'T??? Then I'm really stuck. In the now, life's not horrible. He definitely does some things that upset me so much. But he makes a good living and can be my best friend. I finally decided to try one counseling session, and she told me that it doesn't matter if it's truly alcoholism or problem drinking, but that it is something that is upsetting our marriage. But if he is just a heavy social drinker, I was the same way when we met in college, so I'm the one who has changed, not him. When we met, I thought it was so exciting to go out and have fun with him. In my then 20-year-old mentality, it was important to look for a partner who didn't want to sit at home all the time like my parents had. At 27, I see different things are more important in life.
I have read all of the checklists many of you have posted on this site, but I still just don't know. I think if I knew 100% in my head that he was indeed an A, I would go. But this uncertainty has me so confused. Please give me your thoughts...
However, I simply cannot figure out if he is truly an A or not. The last thing I want to do is leave a man I love for nothing. What if I decide to go, and it was not even necessary? I have told him "we" can't continue drinking as much when we have kids (using "we" because it's less confrontational), and he agrees with me and tells me he'll slow down when we have kids. BUT WHAT IF HE DOESN'T??? Then I'm really stuck. In the now, life's not horrible. He definitely does some things that upset me so much. But he makes a good living and can be my best friend. I finally decided to try one counseling session, and she told me that it doesn't matter if it's truly alcoholism or problem drinking, but that it is something that is upsetting our marriage. But if he is just a heavy social drinker, I was the same way when we met in college, so I'm the one who has changed, not him. When we met, I thought it was so exciting to go out and have fun with him. In my then 20-year-old mentality, it was important to look for a partner who didn't want to sit at home all the time like my parents had. At 27, I see different things are more important in life.
I have read all of the checklists many of you have posted on this site, but I still just don't know. I think if I knew 100% in my head that he was indeed an A, I would go. But this uncertainty has me so confused. Please give me your thoughts...
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
I don't know what the difference would be between a problem drinker and an alcoholic. If the "problem drinker" would rather anesthetize him/herself on a regular basis than deal with issues that cause such unhappiness, I would call that alcoholism.
Having children doesn't "make" a person get his/her act together, any more than a marriage licence does.
I don't know what means when he does "some things that upset" you. Come home late? Treat you poorly? Ignore you when he's drinking? Break things? RAther ominous if he treats you badly, and/or can't contol his temper when frustrated. Or...leaves the cap off the toothpaste? never puts dirty clothes in the hamper? "Cleans the kitchen" by stacking dirty dishes in the sink, and brushing crumbs onto the floor. (Piglike behavior that may improve with socialization, but doesn't usually have folks typing messages to forums like this one.)
Is he spending money going out that you want to save for a house? Or does he say that he, too, wants to save, but once he has one drink, he "forgets" and blows a lot of money? (both bad signs)
You say you're "the one who changed" as if that was a negative thing. Last I checked, maturity and change was a good thing. Although not all young adults out from under their parents roofs go out and party hearty, many do, and most of those realize after hangover #2 that the fun isn't worth the aftermath.
Having children doesn't "make" a person get his/her act together, any more than a marriage licence does.
I don't know what means when he does "some things that upset" you. Come home late? Treat you poorly? Ignore you when he's drinking? Break things? RAther ominous if he treats you badly, and/or can't contol his temper when frustrated. Or...leaves the cap off the toothpaste? never puts dirty clothes in the hamper? "Cleans the kitchen" by stacking dirty dishes in the sink, and brushing crumbs onto the floor. (Piglike behavior that may improve with socialization, but doesn't usually have folks typing messages to forums like this one.)
Is he spending money going out that you want to save for a house? Or does he say that he, too, wants to save, but once he has one drink, he "forgets" and blows a lot of money? (both bad signs)
You say you're "the one who changed" as if that was a negative thing. Last I checked, maturity and change was a good thing. Although not all young adults out from under their parents roofs go out and party hearty, many do, and most of those realize after hangover #2 that the fun isn't worth the aftermath.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Little more info
Thank you for your quick reply. Unfortunately I'm the one who does the stuff like "clean" the kitchen by stacking dishes, brush crumbs on the floor, pile up clothes, but I'm TRYING to be better -- those are his complaints about me! 
Things he does that upset me include:
- Always wanting to go do something, and he always begs me to go with him. For a couple of months, I refuse and just wind up bored at home and wondering if he'll make it home OK. Then for a couple of months, I cycle to going with him, having a drink or two, getting annoyed, and driving us home.
- Drinking every day. He doesn't go crazy during the week, but he does drink every night, usually to a point where he sleeps on the couch until he wakes at 3 or 4 a.m., but then again, he is a heavy sleeper. The weekends are usually the times he drinks way too much. But he always makes it to work. We are investing in property, and he is obsessed with making money, so finances are not an issue. We're not making millions, but we're comfortable.
- If we do go out, he won't drink a couple and leave. It becomes an all or nothing situation, and if I suggest that he just have a couple, he ends up telling me it's the weekend and how he relaxes from the stress of making money for us all week.
- He loses control of his bladder, including on the couch, in the car, in the bed, wherever when he's really bad.
- When I got up for work recently, I found him passed out in his car, door open, engine running, heater blaring.
- Cracks a beer at 9:00 a.m. if we're planning a BBQ or something that day, but NEVER on a work day.
I could continue, but that seems unnecessary. As I type this, I realize how ridiculous all of this sounds! But it seems like those "bad" things are phases, like now he's been pretty low-key for a week or two, only drinking 3 or so on weeknights, and only drinking too much on weekends when we have big plans (as opposed to weekends working on the house etc). And those are just the bad things. He's really not always like that.
According to the little check lists I mentioned previously, the difference between problem drinking and alcoholism lies in a chemical dependence and withdrawal.
Oh, and no, I haven't tried Alanon. I have driven through the parking lot a couple of times before a meeting, but can't get the nerve up to go in. I don't want to have to ask some nice receptionist where to find the room for Alanon. I would be so embarrassed...
Things he does that upset me include:
- Always wanting to go do something, and he always begs me to go with him. For a couple of months, I refuse and just wind up bored at home and wondering if he'll make it home OK. Then for a couple of months, I cycle to going with him, having a drink or two, getting annoyed, and driving us home.
- Drinking every day. He doesn't go crazy during the week, but he does drink every night, usually to a point where he sleeps on the couch until he wakes at 3 or 4 a.m., but then again, he is a heavy sleeper. The weekends are usually the times he drinks way too much. But he always makes it to work. We are investing in property, and he is obsessed with making money, so finances are not an issue. We're not making millions, but we're comfortable.
- If we do go out, he won't drink a couple and leave. It becomes an all or nothing situation, and if I suggest that he just have a couple, he ends up telling me it's the weekend and how he relaxes from the stress of making money for us all week.
- He loses control of his bladder, including on the couch, in the car, in the bed, wherever when he's really bad.
- When I got up for work recently, I found him passed out in his car, door open, engine running, heater blaring.
- Cracks a beer at 9:00 a.m. if we're planning a BBQ or something that day, but NEVER on a work day.
I could continue, but that seems unnecessary. As I type this, I realize how ridiculous all of this sounds! But it seems like those "bad" things are phases, like now he's been pretty low-key for a week or two, only drinking 3 or so on weeknights, and only drinking too much on weekends when we have big plans (as opposed to weekends working on the house etc). And those are just the bad things. He's really not always like that.
According to the little check lists I mentioned previously, the difference between problem drinking and alcoholism lies in a chemical dependence and withdrawal.
Oh, and no, I haven't tried Alanon. I have driven through the parking lot a couple of times before a meeting, but can't get the nerve up to go in. I don't want to have to ask some nice receptionist where to find the room for Alanon. I would be so embarrassed...
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Well, I would say there are some real signs here, bladder control, passed out, early in the day drinking.
People who are not controlled by substances, have a different attitude towards weekends, my mothers husband was a weekend binger, as the years progressed so did his disease, to where he was fired from his job of 25 years...it is a progressive disease.
My thoughts only,
Dolly
People who are not controlled by substances, have a different attitude towards weekends, my mothers husband was a weekend binger, as the years progressed so did his disease, to where he was fired from his job of 25 years...it is a progressive disease.
My thoughts only,
Dolly
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Sounds like he is trying to control his drinking..
If his drinking is bothering you please try and go to Alanon..Those of us in the program are a bunch of nice people..don't feel embarrassed..I have sobbed through many many meetings..people understand truley..
And you will learn alot about alcoholism..
I thought my exABF was a problem drinker..until I went to Alanon and the haze of denial lifted..although he does not yet call himself an alcoholic I know in my heart he is..
But Alanon is not about him..It really is about you and how you can make changes in yourself to make you and your relationship better..
Welcome to SR and keep coming back.
If his drinking is bothering you please try and go to Alanon..Those of us in the program are a bunch of nice people..don't feel embarrassed..I have sobbed through many many meetings..people understand truley..
And you will learn alot about alcoholism..
I thought my exABF was a problem drinker..until I went to Alanon and the haze of denial lifted..although he does not yet call himself an alcoholic I know in my heart he is..
But Alanon is not about him..It really is about you and how you can make changes in yourself to make you and your relationship better..
Welcome to SR and keep coming back.
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
TexasGirl...
Those symptoms don't sound very promising. In fact, it sounds like he's got a problem. I've heard that if it causes a problem, it's a problem. Certainly, it's troubling to you...
If you show up early at an Al-Anon meeting place, you're bound to find some of the members showing up for the meeting. You can bypass the embarrassment of talking to the receptionist by simply following one of the Al-Anons into the meeting or asking one of them if they can direct you to the right room.
Please don't let potential embarrassment stop you from getting some comfort, answers and support for yourself...
Those symptoms don't sound very promising. In fact, it sounds like he's got a problem. I've heard that if it causes a problem, it's a problem. Certainly, it's troubling to you...
If you show up early at an Al-Anon meeting place, you're bound to find some of the members showing up for the meeting. You can bypass the embarrassment of talking to the receptionist by simply following one of the Al-Anons into the meeting or asking one of them if they can direct you to the right room.
Please don't let potential embarrassment stop you from getting some comfort, answers and support for yourself...
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Originally Posted by Texas Girl
He definitely does some things that upset me so much. But he makes a good living and can be my best friend.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Splendra, we are already married -- 4 years.
When he's really "bad," I secretly plot how and when I will go and apply for out of town jobs. Then he's kind of OK, and even though he didn't ever know I was upset, I forgive him and truly forget. I get over stuff really easily. So I got a call on a new job I applied for when I was upset, and I denied the interview because he had been acting good.
When he's really "bad," I secretly plot how and when I will go and apply for out of town jobs. Then he's kind of OK, and even though he didn't ever know I was upset, I forgive him and truly forget. I get over stuff really easily. So I got a call on a new job I applied for when I was upset, and I denied the interview because he had been acting good.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Texas Girl -
the behaviors that you mentioned are pretty rough sounding.....losing control of his bladder, passing out with the engine running. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck...I work in the medical profession and I can tell you that if he was a patientin the hospital, he would need to have medication to deal with not having alcohol in his system. Three a night during the week and then more during the weekend definitely sets up a physiological need in the body. Keep your eyes open - head to an alanon meeting. Good to think about all of this before having children.
the behaviors that you mentioned are pretty rough sounding.....losing control of his bladder, passing out with the engine running. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck...I work in the medical profession and I can tell you that if he was a patientin the hospital, he would need to have medication to deal with not having alcohol in his system. Three a night during the week and then more during the weekend definitely sets up a physiological need in the body. Keep your eyes open - head to an alanon meeting. Good to think about all of this before having children.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
well tex-you found us! glad you are here! lots of posts can help you regain your footing. hope you stay and find out as much as you can for you! glad you love him, but to me if someone was laying out with the car still going (i have a drunk neighbor who did that- some neighbors feared he was dead-so they called the cops- car was still running NOT IN PARK-WITH HIS FOOT ON THE BRAKE! ) then he definitely has a problem especially if his behavior could put someone else in harm's way. (a car still running with someone who is not even awake is VERY DANGEROUS!) (another drunk I know died in his van with the engine running and the heater on-van caught on fire).
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and well, the bladder thing- if I had a dog that kept doing that i would have to kick him out of the house. if it was an infant or maybe a debilitated person i would make an exception but really now- he won't claim any responsibility for that? maybe you could suggest he put on some DEPENDS before he goes out next time if he can't think of any other way to deal with that.
yep he has a problem. hope it doesn't become YOUR problem. better find out about BOUNDARIES and possibly DETACHMENT when it gets worse. hope this doesn't scare you off!
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and well, the bladder thing- if I had a dog that kept doing that i would have to kick him out of the house. if it was an infant or maybe a debilitated person i would make an exception but really now- he won't claim any responsibility for that? maybe you could suggest he put on some DEPENDS before he goes out next time if he can't think of any other way to deal with that.
yep he has a problem. hope it doesn't become YOUR problem. better find out about BOUNDARIES and possibly DETACHMENT when it gets worse. hope this doesn't scare you off!
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Without doubt, your husband is drinking enough to have physical withdrawal if he quits. If that is how you define alcoholism, then your husband is an alcoholic. However, being physically dependent doesn't mean he has "the disease of alcoholism" as might, for instance, be thought of by someone in AA. I was physically dependent on alcohol. One day I decided it was dumb and I was taking too many risks and I stopped. Easy. I had the headache and the stomach knots and such, but that's really nothing. But there is a mental component to "the disease of alcoholism". There's something more that keeps some people going back than a physical craving. That is the type of alcoholism that takes alcoholics to support groups and rehab and therapy and on and on. And it's not really a thing that you can see from the outside. And it's worse than useless to try to boil a human down to such a label so you can stick in on them and live your life according to what the label says, like garment instructions. "Spin alcoholic once and hang out to dry." 
Think about alanon. Go. Get some literature. The issue is not what you call him. The issue is not even if he's going to get worse. You will hear over and over that alcoholism is a progressive disease. My Dad was an alcoholic, and he was exactly the same alcoholic my whole life. The only thing that progressed was the deterioration of his health and mind. The issue has to be how his behavior is affecting you and how you want to live your life. Just like he is... do you want him?
Welcome to the forums!
Hugs,
Smoke
Think about alanon. Go. Get some literature. The issue is not what you call him. The issue is not even if he's going to get worse. You will hear over and over that alcoholism is a progressive disease. My Dad was an alcoholic, and he was exactly the same alcoholic my whole life. The only thing that progressed was the deterioration of his health and mind. The issue has to be how his behavior is affecting you and how you want to live your life. Just like he is... do you want him? Welcome to the forums!
Hugs,
Smoke
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