cloudy

Man, I was doing good being positive but now....ah I'm just feeling so deflated.....

I was supposed to get a letter today. I got no letter. I wasn't holding my breath, really I wasn't. Right. I didn't get the letter and I found out I WAS holding my breath because it got knocked out straight through my heart.

It's been a month tomorrow since I left my home. I may not even get to go back home but I'm trying. Don't even get me started on the injustice there. It's not about fair anyway right, right - so what, still hurts like hell.

But I had a phone call the other night and I would be receiving a letter. I was looking forward to it. Even though I knew not to get my hopes up that it would contain what I wanted, I thought at least, if nothing else - it would be some communication, some closure, some movement forward, some comfort - something.

That letter should have arrived today. It didn't arrive. And I found out I was holding my breath. I want nothing more right now than to call on the phone and say I didn't get the letter you bastard don't tell me you're sending a letter if you're not. Yeah, I know - alcoholism does that. Still hurts. And I want to say get the f out of the house you leach you don't deserve to be there and you know it you fake.

I guess my hurt is leading to anger right now. Expectation. Didn't want to have it, why'd he even have to say that crap. I didn't need to be let down again. It already hurts enough you know, the relationship part and all the hurt entailed with that, things were't always like this - this alcoholism/addict bs "happened" about 2 yrs later...and home, I just want to go home....I feel so angry right now. He knew he was an addict. I didn't. Please don't anyone quote those last 2 sentences either because I just do not want to hear the "yeah buts" right now.

I am just experiencing a backslide. I'll be ok, I believe I will. That's what I have to do right now. Keep going, that's all I can do right now. Thanks for listening,

Cloudy

Savana 54

I can relate a little bit...(((((((((cloudy)))))))))) Take care of yourself.

cwohio

((cloudy)) it sucks to keep that hope alive and then be shut down time after time. i hope you can get the anger out and have a peaceful rest of the weekend!

hugs - chris

cloudy

thanks Savannah, thanks CW

you know CW, I love that kitty cat picture- my cat is so mischievious like that

I think the worst part right now is this limbo you know? I just feel so much right now that if I could just go home, I would feel so much better, even under the circumstances regarding the relationship. That hurts, a lot -but I've been dealing with that for a while now.... Being away from home, and the idea of losing it, and the effect of that, and the reasons for it happening, including my own naievity in the start, I can't swallow that.

cwohio

be gentle on yourself - we have all been in there - wanting and hoping to believe!

her's where i get the kitties:

http://www.actioncat.com/