Stardreamer

After last week I much needed something different. My ABF told me last Thursday that he was going to change and wanted to get help. Well I guess when you are a true A that is easy to say and harder to do.

We went out (him, me and daughter) on Saturday night to a small Mexican resturant. While we were walking in I said no drinking tonight right. And he said just one. I just rolled my eyes. So he did only drink one Margarita (which is usually 4-5) and then we went home and we have no alcohol in the house right now.

So Sunday he worked and we went to the grocery store that night. I was in a different isle and when I find him he has hidden a bottle of wine in the cart. I pull it out and say what is this. He says Just one bottle.

So we go home and I cook dinner (his mom came over to eat) and he opens the bottle. Before the end of the night it is gone. I say nothing. Then Monday there is no drinking and last night after work he called and asked if I wanted to go out to eat. Maddison was in the bath so I got her out and we got ready. He orders a beer at dinner and I say just one right. Well one turned into 2 1/2. What was I to say. When he ordered the 3 one I made a comment about it and he just said I have been doing good. I said yea I was proud of you except the wine. I guess this is better then before because he used to drink at home every night and then he would drink at work (he owns a construction business).

The only thing I know to do is tell him when he is doing good and go from there. He says he wants to quit and I know this is better than before so I don't want to push the issue for him not to ever drink.

Am I really doing the right thing by not saying he can't drink. He is his own person and I cannot control him - I don't want him to hide it from me and I am afraid that is what it will come to if I ask him not to drink at all.

Twinkle

They all usually try controlled drinking - how else are they to accept that they are alcoholic. It is not the 3 drink, or the 4th or 5th drink that gets them - its the first.
The Man takes a drink, the drink takes a drink, the drink takes a Man. Keep taking care of yourself and Maddison, that is all you can do. I will keep you in my prayers.

Cynay

Your right ... you cant control him and trust me when I say letting go is the hardest thing to do.

Put the focus on you, take care of you and your daughter and maybe ... just maybe his controled drinking will get so out of hand he will hit bottom and then decided he needs/wants to recover. Would it be nice not to have to take the responsibility of being the watchdog over his drinking.

My prayers are with you... I will pray for the courage to let go, it fits into my prayers for me to cuz I SUCK at letting go.

minnie

But you're making a pretty good job of trying!!
If he wants to drink, he will drink. If he wants to get recovery, he will get recovery. Nothing you say or do will alter that fact. If he is an alcoholic, he will learn sometime that controlled drinking just doesn't work.

Hope you're finding the time to focus on yourself among all of this.

Love

Minnie
xxx

bikewench

Hey Star...

Sounds like you have the makings of a happy.. fulfilling life....

I strongly suggest you go after it... regardless of what your mate does...

Shaming.. blaming... and monitoring will only fuel the disease...

And.. joining someone in their struggle with their addiction will only take two lives...
One person standing strong and free might be the impetus for your mate to choose to join you in a life of happy, joyous and free...

Praying for surety of purpose for you...

sad&hopeless

your situation sounds very similiar to mine and i can sympathize and relate to everything you've said. when you see him slipping.. you feel the need to be strong set him back on course by telling him not to drink.. but this only makes him mad at you because he's feels like you're trying to control and don't see it as you trying to help him. and to try to get back at me.. he threatens to go back to way things were (drinking a lot all the time). yes.. the cutting back on drinking is good.. but you and i both know how easy it is for them to fall back into the same old habits.
i really don't have any good advice to give you since i'm going through this same problem myself and don't know how to really deal with it. i've been trying really hard to separate myself from his drinking. i've been telling myself and him that his alcoholism is his problem not mine and that he has to deal with it not me. i could tell he was a bit hurt by this comment but at the same time, know that what i said was true. i know.. this is easy said than done.. i admit that i still get kind of mad when he goes out drinking even though i don't want him too. but at least i don't get as mad as i use to. so hopefully.. i'm making some progress and i wish you the same.
try to find strength within and put yours and your daughter's happiness before him and try not to let his "problem" be your problem. lots of hugs to the two of you...