sad&hopeless

i'm feeing really sad and depressed. my AH has been trying to "control" his drinking by drinking less and less often. this only works for about a week and then he gets comfortable and goes back to his usual self. he knows he has a drinking problem/an alcoholic.. but isn't ready to give up drinking completely. tonite.. he calls me up to "ask" me if he could have dinner w/ his friend (which means go out drinking) and will be home "early." one of the promises that he has made to me was that he would not drink during the week.. only on the weekends. i know he was not asking for my permission to go.. but just wanted my approval or to know that he would be in the dog house when he got home. i didn't give him my approval and told him i didn't want to go... of course he got mad and had already told his friend he could go anyways.. to make a long story short.. i'm having a hard time separating my emotions w/ his drinking.. i know it's not my fault and i can't control his drinking.. but i can't help feel mad and angry everytime he goes out drinking and breaks all of his promises to me of "trying to control it." i know it's pretty foolish of me to think that he is able to control it.. if he could control it.. he wouldn't be an alcoholic... i'm really sick of fighting with him about his drinking problem. i've tried several times to call it quits w/ him.. but each time he makes a bunch of promises to me and each time.. i foolishly believe him. sometimes, i'm not sure who i'm more mad at..myself for believing in him or him for being an alcoholic..

FormerDoormat

Evening S&H. Welcome to SoberRecovery. I used to wonder the same thing. While I was angry at my xAB for being an alcoholic and causing such chaos in my life, I was even more angry at myself for believing the lies that my boyfriend told me again and again--the same lies that your husband is telling you now.

The folks here at SoberRecovery have a saying, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result." I dated my xAB for 23 years and, like you, he told me he'd change and things would be different again and again. And I always somehow believed that "this time he meant it."

I repeatedly asked him to leave, but each time he'd promise to change, and for a while he would. But the alcoholism always won and he'd be back to his old ways in a day or so. So when did things change? When did the insanity end? When I decided to change. When I finally reached my bottom. When I'd finally had enough.

Two months ago, I drove him to a hotel in a drunken stupor. A drunken stupor that I'd finally decided would be the last one I would witness. I watched from the parking lot to make sure he found a room and was able to get safely inside, and then I drove away. I wiped the terrible effects of alcoholism from my life by abandonind the only man I've ever loved. It was a difficult thing to do, but I learned that I couldn't save him from alcoholism, so in the end I had to save myself.

I miss him from time to time, but I NEVER miss the insanity, the chaos, the lies, the manipulation, the drunken stupors, the emotional abuse--all the behaviors that accompany addiction--not one bit. My life is once again peaceful and predictable. My sanity is restored. Learning to love myself enough to demand more--much, much more--and eliminating the things in my life that weren't working were key to restoring my sanity and finding peace.

Tonight S&H, I wish you peace.

walkingtheline

Awww, it doesn't have to be hopeless.

You're right, you can't do anything about his drinking but you can do plenty for you! Have you tried al-anon? I am one of those who can tell you it honestly changed my life.

If you read through some of the posts you'll see there are many who have found ways to live joy-filled lives married to their A's. Others are still thinking...whether to stay or whether to go. And some have elected to go. There's no universal one-size-fits-all answer.

I'll pray you find peace.

sad&hopeless

thank you for all of your kind words and support.. it's nice to know there are people out there that can relate and will offer their support. in my mind, i know he'll never change.. i'm tired of fighting w/ him over this and i'm tired of being unhappy.. now.. i just have to gather my strength and courage and just leave once and for all..

Minx1969

S&H,

Welcome to SR. Have you considered going to Alanon? There are many people on the board who go and it has been a blessing to me.

It's also another method of support..

minnie

How do you know that? It sounds to me that was exactly what he was doing. My ex used to do the same thing. I refused to play that game because it always backfired. Pre-al-anon, I used to tell him that I didn't want him to drink all the time. Post Al-anon, I told him once, then never mentioned it again. If he asked for permission/approval/agreement, he never got it. I just used to say "your decision, leave me out of it". That way, he couldn't turn it around on me. It's hard at first, but gets easier with practice.

If you're sick of fighting about it, then stop fighting. If you don't want to be with someone who has a drink problem, then leave. It's all about choices, hon. Please don't let someone elses illness dictate your life.

Take care

Love

Minnie
xxx

sad&hopeless

thanks for the advice minnie.. i think my problem is that i don't know how to deal w/ all of this.. i've tried to be supportive.. but always seem to say the wrong things and just make him made. i've started getting use to telling him that his drinking problem was his problem that he has to deal with and not me. i feel a bit mean and selfish when i say this but i know that it's the truth.. i can't help him unless he wants to be helped. i guess the part that i'm having a hard time dealing with is that i know at times.. he really does want to get help and stop.. but when he gets those strong urges and cravings.. all of it goes down the crapper. this is the part that's most frustrating for me. all in all.. i'm just having a really hard time dealing with my emotions. separating his drinking from my emotions is making me care less and less about him and this makes me sad.
i know that it's all about choices.. but this hasn't been an easy one for me to make.. i hope this time i find the strength to do it..

cwohio

sad - that's where the al-anon program can help you. it will help you deal with YOUR feelings, behaviors. you really ought to give it a try if you can!

nocellphone

S&H...

I had to work very hard to define what is and is not my business. I've decided that the drinking/using habits, recovery/lack of recovery, attitudes and behaviors of my loved ones are simply not my business... unless I make them my business. If I'm truly focusing on what's important (myself and my attitudes & behavior), I'll have no time left over to focus on anyone else. Focusing on myself is a full-time job!

Al-Anon's First Step tells me that I am "powerless over alcohol". I've learned through my time in recovery to extend this to alcoholism/addiction (and other diseases)people, places, things... basically, everything but my own reactions to these things.

Since he does what he wants, with or without your permission, you might as well let him. He may make some changes one day, but only when he's ready...

sad&hopeless

i've looked into al-anon.. but haven't actually gone to any meetings yet. i've read books and articles on alcoholism and that has helped me a lot.. it gave me a better understanding of what it is. i will attend an al anon meeting to try to help myself deal with my emotions in all of this mess. thank you so much for all of your support.. it's really made me feel a lot better.
i don't know what the outcome of all of this will be.. i still haven't talked to my AH since he "asked for my permission" last nite.. maybe HE already moved out.. this will save me the time and trouble of finding a place and moving.. :P

cwohio

whether he moved or not please consider al-anon and/or counseling. the feelings won't magically go away even if he is not around.

hugs - chris

grateful4SAT

S&H whether he made the decision for you or not--- try al-anon it is not there to teach you how to fix the AH but it will teach you a new way of thinking/living and it helps us to admit we are powerless over (insert word here) and our lives have become unmanageable. You will be amazed and I bet you will be grateful-- you try it and then we will talk about the payout

Cynay

S&H

Trust them on this one, Im the most anti Al-anon/AA person there was, but I have gone, now have a sponsor and it has helped me more them I could have imagined... and its only been a week into it. The really care and understand like no one else can.