Minx1969

OK..Here's the situation:

When I did my 8th step, there was a former friend of mine (let's call her D) that I put on my list because I kind of felt like I had to (how codependent of me)...but I'm not sure I really owe her an amends..

We were very close friends but as I grew I realized that we didn't really have much in common. Her goal in life was to date and get remarried (which she did) and mine was to enjoy my life and take it as it comes..Basically before she even remarried I was already feeling distant..so I just let the friendship go..she didn't really make a fuss or even call as well..She and my exABF really did not like each other..

We had no contact for about 5 months, then in January she sent me an email that was partially angry (raging at me, blaming me, playing the victim)..AND then telling me she missed me...

At this point I had already looked at my part in the relationship and decided I was ok with my behaviors..I could have not given as much advice to her (I just know everything..ha ha ha) but otherwise I was ok with it..

I didn't respond to her email..

I guess there is part of me that feels someone guilty..She is a really nice person but as I become less codependent I really don't want to hang out with people that aren't in some form of recovery..I'm trying to move away from unhealthy people in my life..

So would you make an amends or not?

Thanks.

Minx

robina

I think you have thought things through very carefully. From reading your post, it sounds like you might already know the answer. (I believe people make the best decisions when they look in their own hearts for the answer)

At the very least, wanting to have healthy people around you right now is a really good thing.

Prayers and best wishes

Robin

Beautiful

You didn't "DO" anything to her. What would the amends be for? Not responding to an email? People grow and change. I'd probably let that one go. I have a friend from HS that we email twice a year. She expects nothing more from me and I expect nothing more from her.

Minx1969

Beautiful,

That's what I think too..My problem is that I have been growing and changing alot in the past years so there are a lot of women I am no longer friends with..some of them have hurt feelings (like D..which is why she emailed me)..

One of the things I am consciously working on is to stop explaining myself to everyone!!! There have been a few situations in the past few months where mutual friends have asked me why I'm not friends with so and so..I came up with the standard line.."we have just moved in separate directions"...

minnie

We do grow and change and sometimes we outgrow our friends, and they do the same with us.

I had a friend from school who I realised was always going on about herself and that it was always be me doing the calling. I was going through a tough time and she was not interested in listening to me at all. At the end of that call, I decided that I would not call her again and see if she got in touch with me. That was in 1997. Not a peep. Funnily enough, I am likely to bump into her now I'm back home. Wonder what'll happen then....

I don't think you have an amend to make.

Beautiful

You are perfectly right in setting up new friendships -- ones that are more alike with your changing life. I wouldn't explain myself, either. I would say that my plate is really full right now and finding balance is tricky. I use that one most of the time. Women understand it -- men nod like they do.............. It keeps the gossip from starting.

Minx1969

Thanks Ladies!

I will keep it "light and polite" if I bump into any of them..

Minnie - I have done the same things with a few people I knew..Amazing how if you don't feed into them they don't want anything to do with you!

Magichappens

Some of my amends weren't actions. They were just finding inner peace with a situation. If there's nothing I can do to change a relationship, I have to stop that inner battle and turmoil about it. In some cases, that meant detaching with love from a person, and taking care of myself.

One problem I faced was that I was afraid that if I let go of a relationship, no matter how destructive it was, being alone would be worse. My amends was to make an effort to reach out to people that I knew were healthy. I started calling members of my Al-Anon home group and just telling them I just called to see how their day was going. From that effort, I have gained some close, healthy relationships.

Amend doesn't mean apologize. It means to change. We look at each situation to see where it is causing us problems, and what we can do to find a positive solution. The biggest amends we have to make is to ourself. Hugs, Magic

Cap3

If your ok with it,
then its ok.
There is no anger,no resentments,on your part,then its ok.
I too have let go,with love,to a very few folks.
But those folks who get under my skin,i stay with for a while.They teach me a host of things,that i need to work on,in my recovery...smile...
friendships,even sponsorships.come for a reason,a season,and for a lifetime.
Some have been angry that i feel that the relationship isnt working out.Some have tried to hold onto me..eh?,,hmmmm,not healthy to do.Its their issue.In their ball-park.I don't own it.I can always let go with love in my heart for them.
Thanks for letting me share,my experinces,and "opinions".....
God Bless,take care!!!!!!!!!

Magichappens

Thanks Cap. I love when you share your experience, strength, and hope.

Minx1969

Thanks Cap..

There is one friend of mine in AlAnon who is teaching me that I need to work on my compassion and patience with her at the moment!

jojo

Does everyone need to be "in recovery" to qualify as a friend? I'm not sure that I get that. There are an awful lot of healthy happy people out there. Did I misunderstand?

Jo

Minx1969

Jojo,

I do have some happy healthy friends that are not in AlAnon or in recovery but in my case it's rare..I seem to attract alot of unhealthy people which I'm trying to stop doing..

Magichappens

I only speak from my experience. Until I got to Al-Anon, I had never been pro-active about reaching out. Not all my friends are in recovery. I like "normies" too. Hugs, Magic

FriendofBill

Minx..I agree with you on preferring emotionally healthy and contributing friends.Not sure what you may have done to make ammends for. If it was the not responding to an email, I dont know where anyone is obligated to reply to a form of contact.

JessicaNAJ

My best friend and I were inseperable. Until she met her now husband and I met mine (both were also friends). I'm not really sure what went wrong, but we stopped talking. I would see her occassionally through the years. She couldn't have kids and I think she was jealous and couldn't face me when I had mine, I respect that. She was upset b/c she was not my maid of honor, but then she wasn't there for me for 3+ years or so. Anyway, we went our own ways. I would call her and tell her to stay in touch. I'd stop by her house and tell her to stop over my place sometime. But it never happened.

I ran into her about a week ago. We exchanged numbers. Again, I told her to stop over sometime. We'll see. I doubt if I hear or see her again unless I bump into her.

I have never talked to my friend about what was going on with us. If I remember right, I tried and was never successful. She's got some issues that she obviously needs to deal with. I am greatful that i have given her to option to call me anytime she wants. But I will not call her.

Savana 54

I always attract unhealthy people! Almost always!! I dunno why that is...fate? We draw them to us by our own weaknesses??

dax

This is a trend I began to see in alanon and AA open meetings and was troubled by it. The placing of 'normal 'people in an outside group- often considered more sick because they were not in the program. I used to speak up and defend my normal friends. It was not a popular thing to do. At first maybe it is ok to stick with only program people. If you don't branch out later, then you are staying in an unnatural protection zone. Which is why the word' cult' comes up fron those on the outside looking in. This is my outlook only.
As to making amend to the friend. You probably don't owe her one. But she apparently still cared for you more than you did for her. The nice thing to do might be to email or call her and tell her the truth. I am sorry I didn't keep in contact- I have been going through a difficult time in my life. Hope you are fine in yours. dax

nocellphone

Some say that we attract what we are, or that water seeks it's own level.

I have seen that the healthier I get, the healthier people I attract around me. Conversely, when I turn on my Insanity Bug Zapper, I attract every whackjob for miles. Sometimes, I call it my Freak Beacon.

I guess if I turn on the Bat Signal, I shouldn't be surprised when Batman shows up...








See? See what you get?!?

nocellphone

I'm sorry to hear that, dax. I hope things work out for you...