Why am I so afraid?
Jen On Hold
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Florida
Posts: 3
Why am I so afraid?
I am trying to keep in my mind that my happiness is important, that I and my children are important. I feel like I am wavering and I am loosing control to the anger that has taken over this morning.
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>Last night I tried to call him at his Mom’s house, I want to use the excuse that I was calling to tell him something the baby did. I know I should not have, yet I knew he did not work today, I guess I knew he would not be at the house. I knew he would be off somewhere, away from his family to drink. Well after I found out that he was not at his Mom’s I tried his cell phone, several times with no answer. Usually that means he is with his “Friend”, at a bar and has to step away to call me back. Well he called me back about 15 minutes later. He had been drinking and his story was he was “just driving around”. Another story I have heard a million times.
<o:p></o:p>We talked for a little while, useless I know. We don’t accomplish anything while he has been drinking. He told me that he did not want to stop drinking his beer. He would slow down but he was not going to stop drinking. Then he said he would but I could never have an occasional drink. I told him that was not a problem for me, I did not have to drink, and I can live with it or without it. And if it meant my family stayed together, I would do whatever it took within my power for that to happen. It got worse from there; things were said that should not have been said. He also stated he again he wanted to come home or he was going to have to move somewhere else, that he was not happy staying with his at his Mom’s. He is trying to make me feel guilty for his actions, I can’t and wont do that no matter how miserable he is. I asked him what he thought I would do when I found out about his “friend”, he knew I would send him away. I don’t understand his thought process, what does he want for me to forget what I heard, forget the pain the affair has caused and just continue on with our lives like nothing is wrong, like nothing happened? I did ask him if he has talked to his “friend” he hesitated and finally said no. The hesitation was the key, he was lying.
<o:p></o:p>He wanted to spend the day with the baby today, so I had scheduled to drop her off this morning at his mom’s house. As I got out of the car there was a partially drank 12 pack in the back of his truck. Not his brand, it was hers. I don’t know why I was surprised, I guess I had hoped. When I knocked on the door is sister answered and said he was still in bed. I went back to the bedroom to see if he still wanted the baby, if not I would have taken her to daycare. I opened the door and the room smelled of alcohol and he was sleeping. I asked him if he still wanted to the baby today, he said yes, sorry he should have been up. I told him that he needed to get his girlfriends beer out of the back of his truck. He said that is not hers, I just left.
<o:p></o:p>I know that I am doing the right thing by keeping out of the house. Yet, I know in the process I am loosing him. I know that if I let him back in, it will start over again. But, why and I so afraid of loosing him? I know that you can love someone yet not be able to be married to them. Part of me wants him to come home so desperately, the other part knows it is the wrong thing. I am loosing him to his “friend”; I am loosing him to his drinking. I know that if he wanted to be with us as badly as I want it he would be doing everything in his power to get his life in order, he is not. I know what I am doing is the best for me and my children, yet it hurts so badly. I guess I keep moving forward without him, one step at a time. I can only hope he goes to the counselor’s appointment Tuesday. I will know it is over is he chooses not to go. I will know what the next step will be. I just wish somehow it would be easier than it is. There are five more days of not knowing and he only works 2 of those days.
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>Last night I tried to call him at his Mom’s house, I want to use the excuse that I was calling to tell him something the baby did. I know I should not have, yet I knew he did not work today, I guess I knew he would not be at the house. I knew he would be off somewhere, away from his family to drink. Well after I found out that he was not at his Mom’s I tried his cell phone, several times with no answer. Usually that means he is with his “Friend”, at a bar and has to step away to call me back. Well he called me back about 15 minutes later. He had been drinking and his story was he was “just driving around”. Another story I have heard a million times.
<o:p></o:p>We talked for a little while, useless I know. We don’t accomplish anything while he has been drinking. He told me that he did not want to stop drinking his beer. He would slow down but he was not going to stop drinking. Then he said he would but I could never have an occasional drink. I told him that was not a problem for me, I did not have to drink, and I can live with it or without it. And if it meant my family stayed together, I would do whatever it took within my power for that to happen. It got worse from there; things were said that should not have been said. He also stated he again he wanted to come home or he was going to have to move somewhere else, that he was not happy staying with his at his Mom’s. He is trying to make me feel guilty for his actions, I can’t and wont do that no matter how miserable he is. I asked him what he thought I would do when I found out about his “friend”, he knew I would send him away. I don’t understand his thought process, what does he want for me to forget what I heard, forget the pain the affair has caused and just continue on with our lives like nothing is wrong, like nothing happened? I did ask him if he has talked to his “friend” he hesitated and finally said no. The hesitation was the key, he was lying.
<o:p></o:p>He wanted to spend the day with the baby today, so I had scheduled to drop her off this morning at his mom’s house. As I got out of the car there was a partially drank 12 pack in the back of his truck. Not his brand, it was hers. I don’t know why I was surprised, I guess I had hoped. When I knocked on the door is sister answered and said he was still in bed. I went back to the bedroom to see if he still wanted the baby, if not I would have taken her to daycare. I opened the door and the room smelled of alcohol and he was sleeping. I asked him if he still wanted to the baby today, he said yes, sorry he should have been up. I told him that he needed to get his girlfriends beer out of the back of his truck. He said that is not hers, I just left.
<o:p></o:p>I know that I am doing the right thing by keeping out of the house. Yet, I know in the process I am loosing him. I know that if I let him back in, it will start over again. But, why and I so afraid of loosing him? I know that you can love someone yet not be able to be married to them. Part of me wants him to come home so desperately, the other part knows it is the wrong thing. I am loosing him to his “friend”; I am loosing him to his drinking. I know that if he wanted to be with us as badly as I want it he would be doing everything in his power to get his life in order, he is not. I know what I am doing is the best for me and my children, yet it hurts so badly. I guess I keep moving forward without him, one step at a time. I can only hope he goes to the counselor’s appointment Tuesday. I will know it is over is he chooses not to go. I will know what the next step will be. I just wish somehow it would be easier than it is. There are five more days of not knowing and he only works 2 of those days.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Second star to the right....
Posts: 845
oh god ok, there is stress here for sure but there is something far much stronger, hope! and i believe that this strength is within you.
recovery teaches me to stay calm and at peace despite whatever is going around me.
i sometimes feel trapped, helpless, tht theres nothing i can do to escape my predicament! the truth is i am powerless over others, over alcholism.
know that you didnt cause this illness, you cant control it, cure it or change it. neither can i or anyone, thats not always easy to accept but i believe in you. you show great courage to post here!
i often fear the end of relationships. i fear abandonment, being alone and isolated. i fear having noone to reassure me that i am lovable, that i am worth loving, that i am worth a relationship. i need to build my self-worth and really believe in myself as a worthwhile human being that deserves love and respect from myself, as well as others. as hard as it is ive had to remove people from my life that only sucked the life out of me. let it begin with me and for you your children as well are of extreme importance.
its not an easy situation but thats my perception. this is where recovery comes in! anger frustration and fear are completely normal feelings for you to be having right now, there is nothing wrong with you for being afraid. alcoholism is a cunning and baffling disease and while he is suffering its affecting all of those around him. anger and irritation can arise before we even know whats hit us. the feeling of ARGGH!!
ive found taht when ive invested hopes, trust and dreams in a rlsp i feel so unvalidated, betrayed and upset, as well as shattered when it goes bad thanks to alcholism but then i fear that ill never find another one, that its my last chance. this is scarcity thinking and its not helpful. i have to affirm to myself that god will provide me with abundance in time if i ask so, whatever you Higher power is it can help. when im angry i take deep breaths, i meditate and exercise. breathing deeply helps, also ive found that putting an ice pack on my chest (wher my heart is) calms me down very quickly for some reason.
you do not have to put up with his behaviour. but you cant do much about it, you can however take care of yourself and your little ones.
my heart goes out to you and im sending love and light your way. know that you are never alone for you will always have recovery, your hp, this msg board and me!! one day, one minute at a time. i couldnt recommend alanon highly enough.
peace and love and light.
toby
recovery teaches me to stay calm and at peace despite whatever is going around me.
i sometimes feel trapped, helpless, tht theres nothing i can do to escape my predicament! the truth is i am powerless over others, over alcholism.
know that you didnt cause this illness, you cant control it, cure it or change it. neither can i or anyone, thats not always easy to accept but i believe in you. you show great courage to post here!
i often fear the end of relationships. i fear abandonment, being alone and isolated. i fear having noone to reassure me that i am lovable, that i am worth loving, that i am worth a relationship. i need to build my self-worth and really believe in myself as a worthwhile human being that deserves love and respect from myself, as well as others. as hard as it is ive had to remove people from my life that only sucked the life out of me. let it begin with me and for you your children as well are of extreme importance.
its not an easy situation but thats my perception. this is where recovery comes in! anger frustration and fear are completely normal feelings for you to be having right now, there is nothing wrong with you for being afraid. alcoholism is a cunning and baffling disease and while he is suffering its affecting all of those around him. anger and irritation can arise before we even know whats hit us. the feeling of ARGGH!!
ive found taht when ive invested hopes, trust and dreams in a rlsp i feel so unvalidated, betrayed and upset, as well as shattered when it goes bad thanks to alcholism but then i fear that ill never find another one, that its my last chance. this is scarcity thinking and its not helpful. i have to affirm to myself that god will provide me with abundance in time if i ask so, whatever you Higher power is it can help. when im angry i take deep breaths, i meditate and exercise. breathing deeply helps, also ive found that putting an ice pack on my chest (wher my heart is) calms me down very quickly for some reason.
you do not have to put up with his behaviour. but you cant do much about it, you can however take care of yourself and your little ones.
my heart goes out to you and im sending love and light your way. know that you are never alone for you will always have recovery, your hp, this msg board and me!! one day, one minute at a time. i couldnt recommend alanon highly enough.
peace and love and light.
toby
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Im soooo sorry you are going through this.... I know how much it hurts!
They are right you know, you cant control,change him... only he can and even if he goes to counceling or stoped drinking today it would still be a up hill battle. Being sober does not imediately change the behavior .. that I found out the hard way.
Sweetie, dont be so hard on yourself and wonder why it hurts or you are afraid, its because you are a loving person who is watching this A kill himself and distroy something you hold dear... you would not be human if you did not feel. Just one day at a time, just one small nice thing you do ... just for you, Just one mind set today of what a great person you are.... Only One.
There is one other thing I do that helps keep me strong. I look into the eyes of my daughter... she is 15 now, almost 16... what example will I set for her? If someone treated her this way... how would I react? Is this what I would want for her.... and if I can honestly say that I would not want this for her... then it is not good enough for me either!
*hugs*
They are right you know, you cant control,change him... only he can and even if he goes to counceling or stoped drinking today it would still be a up hill battle. Being sober does not imediately change the behavior .. that I found out the hard way.
Sweetie, dont be so hard on yourself and wonder why it hurts or you are afraid, its because you are a loving person who is watching this A kill himself and distroy something you hold dear... you would not be human if you did not feel. Just one day at a time, just one small nice thing you do ... just for you, Just one mind set today of what a great person you are.... Only One.
There is one other thing I do that helps keep me strong. I look into the eyes of my daughter... she is 15 now, almost 16... what example will I set for her? If someone treated her this way... how would I react? Is this what I would want for her.... and if I can honestly say that I would not want this for her... then it is not good enough for me either!
*hugs*
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
One of the things that kept me from seperating from my AH was the HOPE that he would get better and live that "Happily ever after" dream I made up in my mind. Once I realized that as long as he was drinking I was never going to have that dream, it helped make my decision easier.
I still love him, but I'm taking it one day at a time. He's been sober for nearly 2 months. But I now feel I am strong enough that if he does start to drink again, I will terminate our marriage. I CAN'T/WON'T go through it again.
Time for you to start focusing on yourself and what is really important in your life. I believe that once you realize that, you will have your answer as to what to do.
Take care of you and that baby.
I still love him, but I'm taking it one day at a time. He's been sober for nearly 2 months. But I now feel I am strong enough that if he does start to drink again, I will terminate our marriage. I CAN'T/WON'T go through it again.
Time for you to start focusing on yourself and what is really important in your life. I believe that once you realize that, you will have your answer as to what to do.
Take care of you and that baby.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 67
I just want to say thanks for being so brave and opening up your self to us, and thanks for the responses, especially JessicaNA and utopia - no matter how far along I think I am, I am always glad to read the words of someone who is way ahead of me, as well as those of someone who is just beginning to step out towards recovery. I know that I would not be as empowered as I am today without this board.
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