JessicaNAJ

since this recent change of events and my AH's actions, should I tell him what's going on in my mind. Or should I wait?

I'm afraid to open myself back up to him (Last night I found myself wanting him to comfort me ~ I was watching my neice b/c my sister was having a baby and all she did for 4 hours was cry ~ and I got a little sad when he didn't, duh...he's not a mind reader and is probably just as afraid to open up to me).

I'm so very happy for him that he's taking his life into his hands. But I'm scare to death that if I open myself up, I'll get hurt again. History does have a habit of repeating itself, but then again, he's this is the first time he's recognized that HE needed to do something for things to change.

I'm trying to focus on me, but I think I'm loosing myself. I can't get to a meeting b/c of my kids and I can't afford to go to counseling. I need you guys to set me straight.

Help me get my focus back on me.

Am I creating my own roller coaster ride....

FormerDoormat

Evening Jess:

If I remember correctly, your husband hasn't had his act together for very long, so it's probably best to take things slowly and see if he's able to maintain long-term sobriety. I think it may be safer to wait it out a bit longer. If you feel the need for a change of pace, then perhaps you might take a nice peaceful ride on the ferris wheel and let someone else ride the roller coaster. I'd hate to see you invite that kind of drama back into your life.

JessicaNAJ

I was reading some of my old posts and the last time he quit drinking it was for 6 weeks. This time it has been nearly 8. AND he's taking responsibility for what is his. He not talking a bunch of BS either. He's left me actually wondering where he is, in his mind. I know I need to quit worrying about him, but I can't help wonder what he's thinking and what his plans are. Maybe it is best he don't tell me, that way I'm not disappointed if he can't live up to what he says or I can be happy when I'm surprised.

You're right FD....I should give it more time.

I have got to turn my focus back on me. I think this is harder now than it was when he was drinking.

CodeMaster

I remember your situation and your story. I think you should continue to focus on yourself in my opinion, protect yourself, dont expect anything, and really find your SELF. I think SELF would have to include a network of freindship, and like myself, I didnt have anyone after my ex left. Al-Anon is a great place to meet friendly wise people...

I would encourage you to go out and also to find a world outside of what you've been living in for so long... the more you do so, the more your eyes light up and go, wow!!! This city is so beautiful, I never knew we even had this part of town! Thats what I've been going through, and the friendship I've been developing has opened a whole new world of hanging out with sane awesome people who give to me even more then I try to give to them! Its amazing! I'm always lost when people are so nice to me....

I just wanted to share what has helped me keep my mind off my ex A which I dont think I want back the more I see things clearly... I see how much I've gained by her leaving, not how much I lost. As I see her old photos, I start to wonder why I was so crazy about her... man, as life becomes more clear, its amazing! Wouldnt ever want to go back to the world of insanity love of booze.

EDIT: But that is for my specific situation. For you, I think your husband when he realizes more over time, if he chooses to, will reach out to you when he feels ready. So you just sit and let the bird go free, if it comes back, then it was meant to be.... else you were meant to find a very loving relationship elsewhere. Like I said above, its an awesome large world out there...

Thanks for your heart on this forum, your love will find blessings in this beautiful world.

JessicaNAJ

How do you get out when You have kids, no money, every one you know goes to clubs/bars on the weekends, and my best friend has kids. I don't know anyone that does anything different.

How do I find a new life? How do I find what else is out there? I just don't get it. Unless I hang out at bars or whatever, there is nothing else to do around here.

What have some of you done?

cwohio

jess - sorry i didn't respond but work has been BUSY! i know there is a part of you that is saying "this time it's REALLY different" and that hope is still there. take it easy - i like what codemaster said about getting out and seeing the "world" because i really don't think you know what's out there per your posts about being with your ah since you were 16. i find the more i ask the less i get. let him offer his feelings in his own time.

Cynay

Wow ... what did I do to "get out there"

Well first I started participating more in Church... That has helped SO much... and sometimes they have daycare

Make arrangements to swap babysitting with your best friend and just get out to a movie, park, Al-non meeting ... anyplace there are people... once you start adding to your group of friends they everyone can pitch in and watch each others kids from time to time and you can get out with your new found friends or the best friend as well...

JUST GET OUT AND LIVE LIFE.... Cant tell you how important it is, and there is alot you can do for you with little money

zoe

Take your kids for a walk, to the park, see if there are any mom groups in your area, start a mom group in the area. Do you have a neighbor or friend that you can exchange babysitting time with so that you can just go explore on your own for an hour or two. Do you have any hobbies (gardening,reading,etc.) that you can involve your kids in?
I enjoy calling up my friend and going for a ride on our 4-wheelers w or wo the kids. I do alot in my yard. I am constantly planting something new and nuturing what I already have growing. I go down to the river and sit by myself. Sometimes I just go window shopping(no money needed). The park is a great place to meet people.
Let your imagination go and I am sure you will find something
Zoe

CodeMaster

Thats a great question Jessica and I know my world is different then those with kids! I remain hopeful that you may find a beautiful and eye opening world even if your friends have kids and do nothing but stay home. Since I dont have kids I wont try to pretend to be an expert at socializing while handling kids, but I'll share some ideas with you that I can try to think of!

Al-Anon for one, you meet one person there, hang out with just one person and be introduced to their network of friends. Making one new friend opens you up to a miraculous network of friends... try making a few more then just one friend, and people there are very nice and understanding of your situation to top it off! My friends who go clubbing every weekend dont really understand my situation, even if I explain it to them, they can only try to imagine, as I'm sure you have felt before.

I started socializing and visitng my neighbor, and anyone who is even barely kind to me I will completly give them my full attention and even try to get their number. Before, I just thought, I have my GF so I dont want to meet you or do anything other then my GF.

If you meet some friends, there are non-clubs where you can dance, jazz, folk, etc... they have a lot of them here in SF. You pay $5 and they'll teach you how to swing dance, if your with a friend, what a ball and you can easily meet new friends there cause they tell you to go round the room dancing with different people in a circle its cool.

Or the best, is just having really good friends, if you have this, hanging out at your home with coffee is better then any activity offered out there. Going to a local coffee house, talking, joking, laughing...

With such a loving heart that you have Jessica, you will have no problems making great friends with families or without. I dont have a family so I hope those that do here maybe able to share with you how they have been able to find life along with taking care of a high maintainence family of kids. But I know with your heart, the friends who meet you will be considered lucky to have you as their friend. The door is open, you just have to take the step! The step forward, dont worry about your AH, he has to be on his own for now and he's healing.

You work on yourself while he's out, else if your hurting, how can you help anyone else? Including your AH...

HUGS

JessicaNAJ

I was listening to my friend who lives across the street. She was in a relationship (not married) for 8 years with an abusive A. With my help, she got out.

She works at UDF and meets a lot of people there. She goes out on the weekends and enjoys herself. But the thing I don't agree with, she leaves here 10 year old daughter alone at night when she goes out. She lives downstairs from her parents and her thoughts are, if something happens her daughter can go up there. I cannot see EVER leaving my kids alone, regardless of the situation.....two different people.

I guess what I'm saying is .... I'm jealous. She has people wanting to go out with her, she's having fun!!! I told her last night, as happy as I am that my AH is appearing to turn himself around, sometimes I hate being married. I still feel obligated to stay home. I can't go out and meet anyone b/c I'm married. If someone were to seem interested in me, I couldn't do anything b/c I'm married.

When I did go out a couple weeks ago, I had a blast, but it's almost as if I have this look on my face that says I'm married. I would love for someone to notice me so I can see what else is out there... but I'm married. She told me I need to loosen up. Guess I'm a little uptight?

Someone asked me a while ago here, what was I afraid of....being alone? At the time I denied it. I've been alone forever. But, in reality, I haven't been alone. Truth be told, I think I am afraid I'll be alone.

Because I'm married, my first obligation is to my husband, right?

And, why can't I go out and enjoy myself without wondering, "Does anybody notice me?" EVEN when I take my kids the park, I'm thinking that. Am I that needy for attention? Gawd I'm pathetic lol. I should be able to have fun without worry about that.

Maybe I should get a second job at UDF

CodeMaster

Well when I said you could go out to meet friends, I didnt mention anything about dating. Its nice to just have a strong network of friends who can really help you when you need them and vice versa!

Who says you have to date anyone. Just make friends, enjoy laughing, dinners, take your daughter with you, I'm sure if theres a will theres a way! Me personally, thats all I'm doing, making friends... I am not desperately searching for a replacement, I'm really excited about healing and growing back to sanity and strength. The friends I've hung out with have been life savers, look and youll find them. They will start calling you, and just keep in mind the magic word, "yes". When people ask you to go out even to something your really not interested in, say YES. Cause you never know what miracles may come when you get there, who you might meet and what life is trying to show you.

I learned this a while ago, and I am glad I believe in it because I remember the other night I was so tired I came home and my friend asked me to go out. I didnt want to go to be honest, and had thoughts of cancelling but I try to keep my word in general. He came over, and we went out, and man, that night was awesome. We had a great dinner with a few other friends and the things I saw really helped changed my views on this world more and more.

Theres something magical to that simple word, saying yes.

JessicaNAJ

Guess I gotta get out of that frame of mind, huh. I must be lonlier than I thought.

You're right, I do need to branch out and get a life....lol

CodeMaster

Your a very social person, open your mind up to friendship and life and you'll find it! I believe it with my heart.

cloudy

Hello, I’m at work so didn’t read the responses but if nobody said so yet some meetings have babysitting right there. Both that I have been to have had it, would that help? The Alanon site, you can look up the ones in your area and call the number and they could tell you, hope this helps

walkingtheline

One of the BEST things I've found to meet people and do some self-help at the same time is a class. Find one in a subject you're interested and/or will advance your career. Best way to start is with one that only meets one time per week so you can do it while kids are in school or wehn you'd only need a sitter for a short time. It's a great way to get out, do something healthy for yourself, meet some like-minded people and either learn or perfect a skill and/or increase your earning potential.

The other thing I do is TEACH a class. Again, it's great to get out, share with others, meet some great people and either feed your soul (if voluteering) or earn a few extra bucks.

I do both...teach on Tues eve, am a student on Weds eve. Both are terrific.

Savana 54

I know exactly how you feel Jessica...I think we still want to feel desirable. We want to be told we are pretty, sexy, smart, etc. When our A's are to busy doing what they do best we aren't being told those things. But then on the otherhand, I hear so often, and part of me believes it to be true, that we should wait until we have a year or so in recovery before we start dating; otherwise we may attract the same type of men.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!! Its just soooo confusing, as to what the right thing is to do. Now that my Abf is gone, I often wonder what is there really to do? I do a lot of things with my Golden...talk him to the dog park, PetSmart, long walks. But I need a social life as well. I have gone out twice in the last month; first time in 2 years that I have been out, as I was trying to be supportive to my Abf with his drinking. It felt good to get out and to be able to dance and just be noticed by other men. But the next morning I just had an empty feeling and still missed my Abf.

I would like to know what else there is to do out there?

CodeMaster, you have some awesome ideas! I will have to try some of the things you have suggested.

Jessica-I don't think your first obligation is to your husband, but to YOU and your kids. I'm sure you know that though. It must be hard being married so young, but you are your own seperate person, and deserve a great life as well!!! I think your thinking to much into the married part.

I haven't been with my Abf as long as you have been with your husband, not nearly as long! But I feel like you do a lot. I often wonder whats really out there? Thats when I *make* myself go to a meeting. Thats what I'm making myself do tonight. I think going to face to face meetings will help you a lot. You can make some really healthy friendships. Can't you get a sitter for a few hours?

Beautiful

If your husband's first obligation is not to you then you are under no obligation to make him your first obligation. When I started doing more social things with my kids and leaving AH at home, he enjoyed it. Then he started resenting it, then he got the "I have watched the replay of you watching tv too many times so I'm watching a different show" talk. You also only have one life to live and people will see there's a fabulous woman named Jess standing right there.

Go for it!

wraybear

So many wise posts here. I have been going out more this past few months. Here are some of the things I have done. Maybe once you step out on faith, and realize it is healthy for you to go out with kids and without kids, you may feel less lonely.

- Baseball game (with kids) even if it is just the local high school game (cheap!)
- Dancing with girlfriends (danced WITH girlfriends, not guys) (drink water - cheap!)
- Movie night with girlfriends and kids (rent a kid movie/take kids and women get to eat/play games/talk)
- walking to park and playing catch
- have a get-together at your home, include kids. Find a cheap craft they can make or game they can play and have each adult bring an appetizer or part of a meal. Find a game for adults to play too.

I was SO tired of doing everything myself. I got over that one the minute my AH left!!!And, once I stopped being so compulsive about having the house clean and in order, I started enjoying life a little more. The vacuuming can wait. The dusting can wait. The clean floors can wait. (I still clean the toilet all the time!!!!!) The bed sheets can wait a day or two.

For a long time I was almost scared to let someone else watch my kids. I can't put my finger on the reason. But for some strange reason, since AH has been gone, i am finding it easier - and HEALTHY for me! and probably healthy for my kids too, to know sometimes mom leaves, but she always comes back!

A couple babysitting options:
- a coop with friends-i watch theirs, they watch mine
- Hire an older teenager to watch several kids. That way each adult can split the cost so it won't be as expensive for you

Sounds to me like you are dealing with a bit of depression too. For me, getting out, enjoying life has helped more than anything. I was on Paxil for a while, and it helped in the beginning when I was crying a lot, but I also think it helped me become somewhat of a zombie. So, once I weaned off of it, I had more motivation to do things, and feel happier now that I am enjoying life again.

Regarding sharing your feelings with him - I don't know. This is an area I struggle with. On one hand, he is so new to sobriety, it makes sense to wait a while, let both of you adjust to his newfound sobriety and give it time. On the other hand, it is good to share honest feelings. I don't know. Does your employer have an EAP program where you can visit with a counselor for free for a couple sessions? I used mine once a long time ago and in the very first visit, i got some comfort. I can't remember if you are near a big town or not, but my church, which is a very large church, has 30 licensed counselors/social workers that meet with members for free. My good friends smaller church has a full-time licensed counselor on staff.

I am not to the point yet where I am feeling the need to have a man in my life - so, I can't address that issue. I hope I get those feelings again sometime soon!

Jess, take care. I wish you a peaceful, content day!