Step Study - Step 1
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
When I first read this step, I took it very literally, and with a very narrow focus.
Part 1 - powerless over alcohol. That part I understood. What I didn't realize at the time was all the other words that could replace the word "alcohol." What I didn't realize was that I was powerless over any person, place, or thing. When I came to that realization, it scared the ever-lovin SH*T out of me. If I was powerless over all of that, WHO would take care of it? How would my life run, who would care for my children and my home etc etc etc.
What I had to learn about was the difference between powerless and helplessness.
More on that later
Barb
Part 1 - powerless over alcohol. That part I understood. What I didn't realize at the time was all the other words that could replace the word "alcohol." What I didn't realize was that I was powerless over any person, place, or thing. When I came to that realization, it scared the ever-lovin SH*T out of me. If I was powerless over all of that, WHO would take care of it? How would my life run, who would care for my children and my home etc etc etc.
What I had to learn about was the difference between powerless and helplessness.
More on that later
Barb
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
Yes. I can accept that I don't have control, however I do have influence. We see in these threads talk of teaching people how to treat us - that is an influence on their behaviour. The concept of 'co-dependency' is in part based on the alcoholics influence over the behaviours of others. As a behaviourist I acknowledge we all influence each others behaviour to a degree. That to me is realism - to want to CONTROL another's behaviour is obsession. To believe we can control another's disease is delusion.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
Yes - without reservation.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
Yes - I accept and understand WHY it is a disease. The second part is harder to answer as I've never understood it as anything other than a disease. Belief in it being a disease does not absolve them from all responsibility, no disease can do that. BUT I don't judge them as less of a person because they have a disease and I can respect effort that is taken to fight it as a disease.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
Yes - I tried to change my mother. It didn't work, I gave up and have been happier since. Mind you I might start liking her if she changed herself!!
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
This question is too big. I use many means to fill my needs some of which rely only on myself and others require me to get help. Where I need help I try toask for it but respect the potential helpers decision. I dislike blackmail with a passion so will take care not to load requests for help with a sense of urgency placing the helper in an 'awkward' position if they would prefere to say no.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
The best example of this would be my hubby's time keeping. I tell him how it makes me feel and he tells me how he feels about it. He said he misses the time so bought a larger clock, I agreed to give him a five minute reminder. It's not perfect but it has improved. I would like him to go for help - but that's what I want not him so I respect his decision, which for me includes giving respect to his efforts as an individual despite him not seeking help.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
His time keeping would deteriorate!! HOWEVER if HE stopped trying to change himself I think we would have real problems, he's been working on his own improvement for years without me even being around.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
I think a part of me gets curious and does want to make suggestions where people hit a real problem - I try to keep it only for when I'm asked though. If I make a suggestion before being asked, I'll only make it once and respect the other persons decision. I'm not sure about letting them go entirely - where would that leave us in respect to empathy?
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
No quick fix - no problem free life. I believe I will learn and grow throughout my life, however I don't expect it will ever be problem free. Challenge/problems help us to think and grow without them I can't imagine how we would recieve signals that we need to improve.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
When I have agreed to take responsibility. If I look after a child I am responsible, if I agree to wake my husband I am responsible to see that he is awake, I am responsible for what I've decided to take responsibilty for. On a more global scale we have responsibilty as human beings. If I pass a puke covered drunk lying in the road I have a human responsibilty to ring an ambulance. If an old man falls in front of me I have a human resposibility to help him back up. However That does NOT make me responsible for them in terms of THEIR life, or THEIR future care, decisions, disasters or successes.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
My mother's behaviour - although less so in recent years because my friends know her. The situations would be ones where she has hurt people or when she is acting like a twit to get attention. She isn't an alcoholic!!
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
I promised a friend I would answer these questions honestly. I have an open mind as to what I might gain - I don't intend to go to Al - Anon.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
No-one in real life, although my best friend was very supportive of me getting counselling because she felt facing getting married to someone I'd thougt was dead for nine years then his drinking increasing wasn't going to be easy to deal with. I asked the counsellor directly if she felt my responses were 'healthy' - she did but we worked on some that I find uncomfortable. On SR sometimes people have expressed concern in my behaviour, but they haven't been in areas that cause me any problem.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
To manage is to direct in a purposeful way (I think - not dictionary). When my life isn't purposeful or directed by me then I think it has become unmanagable. That does not mean I can be in control of every sitution, only of my actions in situations and my RE-actions.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
I ask if I want to know what people think or if my behaviour is reasonable. Sometimes I'm cheeky and will suggest a bit of praise is in order - mainly if I've done a doozey of a meal, or really pulled off a good favour for someone. Sort of jokingly though
.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
You may have noticed on this forum - I don't tend to do that. If I don't agree I say so. BUT there is one acception and that would be where I'm attempting to be polite or tactful, sometimes that can be a good call - if it isn't I tend to get to learn that straight away because I hate feeling forced. Usually I'll change my yes (when I didn't mean it) to a no if I feel pressured - but will groan at myself (and sometimes others) like hell in the process!
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
This used to be VERY true for me but I got a wake up call when I ended up depressed, my work was with children in care and I pretty much burned out. Since then caring for myself is not negotiable, I DO IT!! I
How do I feel when life is going smoothly?
Happy... I like challenge but not stressy, emotional challenge. That odes happen sometimes but I'm happiest when the challenge is things I'm interested in for their own sake. Sometimes I use that as a way to deal with stressy things - I turn it round and try to see it as a positive challenge to my growth and learning. That does make ME feel better.
Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
Yes to the first - I imagine WAY to far into the future. No to the second, I feel most alive when my anticipation has prepared me well so I don't have a crisis to deal with, I'm free then to enjoy whatever experience I'm having.
How well do I take care of myself?
I think I do okay. If I was looking for an improvement it would - I don't know, I think to keep developing into new stuff. I'd like to try more new things - I'd quite like to try new classes for stuff.
How do I feel when I am alone?
If I'm happy, I'm happy when alone, if I'm sad, I'm sad when I'm alone - it just depends. I like to have some company, my job is too isolating but I don't like company ALL the time. I enjoy people but I like to choose to spend time alone as well.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Respect or the lack of it. Love without genuine respect I think turns rapidly into pity.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
I like the people I like, when I've been around alcoholics sometimes I've liked them, sometimes not. I know an alcoholic in another continent and I married one but none of my other friends or family are alcoholic. Trying to fix is a hard question - I try to empower or offer support but the fixing that has taken place on my hubby was done by him, any fixing in the future will be too but I hope I can offer support to that.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
Very much so. Sometimes I can wonder if the level (as opposed to type) of emotion is healthy, I will ask for other opinions sometimes but in the end I have to decide for myself and where I don't trust I find out so that I can. I think I'm reasonabley aware of my emotions and I don't mind saying how I feel - it's one of the few things in life I can be sure of. I can't say 'YOU' hurt me - I can be certain in saying 'I FEEL' hurt by that.
This is a bit embarassing - I hope someone else does it too - but I said I'd do it so I have. Thanks Osier, they were good things to think about.
Yes. I can accept that I don't have control, however I do have influence. We see in these threads talk of teaching people how to treat us - that is an influence on their behaviour. The concept of 'co-dependency' is in part based on the alcoholics influence over the behaviours of others. As a behaviourist I acknowledge we all influence each others behaviour to a degree. That to me is realism - to want to CONTROL another's behaviour is obsession. To believe we can control another's disease is delusion.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
Yes - without reservation.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
Yes - I accept and understand WHY it is a disease. The second part is harder to answer as I've never understood it as anything other than a disease. Belief in it being a disease does not absolve them from all responsibility, no disease can do that. BUT I don't judge them as less of a person because they have a disease and I can respect effort that is taken to fight it as a disease.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
Yes - I tried to change my mother. It didn't work, I gave up and have been happier since. Mind you I might start liking her if she changed herself!!
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
This question is too big. I use many means to fill my needs some of which rely only on myself and others require me to get help. Where I need help I try toask for it but respect the potential helpers decision. I dislike blackmail with a passion so will take care not to load requests for help with a sense of urgency placing the helper in an 'awkward' position if they would prefere to say no.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
The best example of this would be my hubby's time keeping. I tell him how it makes me feel and he tells me how he feels about it. He said he misses the time so bought a larger clock, I agreed to give him a five minute reminder. It's not perfect but it has improved. I would like him to go for help - but that's what I want not him so I respect his decision, which for me includes giving respect to his efforts as an individual despite him not seeking help.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
His time keeping would deteriorate!! HOWEVER if HE stopped trying to change himself I think we would have real problems, he's been working on his own improvement for years without me even being around.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
I think a part of me gets curious and does want to make suggestions where people hit a real problem - I try to keep it only for when I'm asked though. If I make a suggestion before being asked, I'll only make it once and respect the other persons decision. I'm not sure about letting them go entirely - where would that leave us in respect to empathy?
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
No quick fix - no problem free life. I believe I will learn and grow throughout my life, however I don't expect it will ever be problem free. Challenge/problems help us to think and grow without them I can't imagine how we would recieve signals that we need to improve.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
When I have agreed to take responsibility. If I look after a child I am responsible, if I agree to wake my husband I am responsible to see that he is awake, I am responsible for what I've decided to take responsibilty for. On a more global scale we have responsibilty as human beings. If I pass a puke covered drunk lying in the road I have a human responsibilty to ring an ambulance. If an old man falls in front of me I have a human resposibility to help him back up. However That does NOT make me responsible for them in terms of THEIR life, or THEIR future care, decisions, disasters or successes.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
My mother's behaviour - although less so in recent years because my friends know her. The situations would be ones where she has hurt people or when she is acting like a twit to get attention. She isn't an alcoholic!!
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
I promised a friend I would answer these questions honestly. I have an open mind as to what I might gain - I don't intend to go to Al - Anon.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
No-one in real life, although my best friend was very supportive of me getting counselling because she felt facing getting married to someone I'd thougt was dead for nine years then his drinking increasing wasn't going to be easy to deal with. I asked the counsellor directly if she felt my responses were 'healthy' - she did but we worked on some that I find uncomfortable. On SR sometimes people have expressed concern in my behaviour, but they haven't been in areas that cause me any problem.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
To manage is to direct in a purposeful way (I think - not dictionary). When my life isn't purposeful or directed by me then I think it has become unmanagable. That does not mean I can be in control of every sitution, only of my actions in situations and my RE-actions.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
I ask if I want to know what people think or if my behaviour is reasonable. Sometimes I'm cheeky and will suggest a bit of praise is in order - mainly if I've done a doozey of a meal, or really pulled off a good favour for someone. Sort of jokingly though
. Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
You may have noticed on this forum - I don't tend to do that. If I don't agree I say so. BUT there is one acception and that would be where I'm attempting to be polite or tactful, sometimes that can be a good call - if it isn't I tend to get to learn that straight away because I hate feeling forced. Usually I'll change my yes (when I didn't mean it) to a no if I feel pressured - but will groan at myself (and sometimes others) like hell in the process!
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
This used to be VERY true for me but I got a wake up call when I ended up depressed, my work was with children in care and I pretty much burned out. Since then caring for myself is not negotiable, I DO IT!! I
How do I feel when life is going smoothly?
Happy... I like challenge but not stressy, emotional challenge. That odes happen sometimes but I'm happiest when the challenge is things I'm interested in for their own sake. Sometimes I use that as a way to deal with stressy things - I turn it round and try to see it as a positive challenge to my growth and learning. That does make ME feel better.
Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
Yes to the first - I imagine WAY to far into the future. No to the second, I feel most alive when my anticipation has prepared me well so I don't have a crisis to deal with, I'm free then to enjoy whatever experience I'm having.
How well do I take care of myself?
I think I do okay. If I was looking for an improvement it would - I don't know, I think to keep developing into new stuff. I'd like to try more new things - I'd quite like to try new classes for stuff.
How do I feel when I am alone?
If I'm happy, I'm happy when alone, if I'm sad, I'm sad when I'm alone - it just depends. I like to have some company, my job is too isolating but I don't like company ALL the time. I enjoy people but I like to choose to spend time alone as well.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Respect or the lack of it. Love without genuine respect I think turns rapidly into pity.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
I like the people I like, when I've been around alcoholics sometimes I've liked them, sometimes not. I know an alcoholic in another continent and I married one but none of my other friends or family are alcoholic. Trying to fix is a hard question - I try to empower or offer support but the fixing that has taken place on my hubby was done by him, any fixing in the future will be too but I hope I can offer support to that.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
Very much so. Sometimes I can wonder if the level (as opposed to type) of emotion is healthy, I will ask for other opinions sometimes but in the end I have to decide for myself and where I don't trust I find out so that I can. I think I'm reasonabley aware of my emotions and I don't mind saying how I feel - it's one of the few things in life I can be sure of. I can't say 'YOU' hurt me - I can be certain in saying 'I FEEL' hurt by that.
This is a bit embarassing - I hope someone else does it too - but I said I'd do it so I have. Thanks Osier, they were good things to think about.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In the mountain air
Posts: 1,345
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable."
Thanks for posting this, Barb, and sorry that it took me so long to actually get some time to get in here. I know that I can really use an active step study.
For me, it took a long time to realize that I had no power over Mike's addiction. I thought for the longest time that I could keep him clean, I could be enough to make him not want or need to use. Talk about denial - I was the definition. When I got a real taste of his active addiction, I still found ways to convince myself that it wasn't his fault - the usual stuff, taking the complete responsibility off of him and taking it upon myself. I came here looking for the answers to fix him, and found that I couldn't do anything about him, instead. I read here, I pm'd with people, I finally started to work a program of my own, which for me was the biggest part of admitting that I was powerless...until then, I didn't realize that there was nothing I could do about the choices he made, only the choices I made were within my control. And still, nearly a year after finding SR and beginning my own recovery, I still find myself almost daily having to remember that I am powerless over others. I didn't realize how unmanageable things in my own life had become until Mike went to jail. In the three months he was gone, although I missed him and hadn't given up hope, I realized that things had become much calmer, I had found a peace that I'd never really known before. I had been forced to take control over each and every decision, regardless of how large or small, and found that without the worries over what he was doing, the energy I had been putting into controlling and manipulating and searching I had more energy for the things that really mattered, I found that I was not someone that had no abilities to handle life as it came to me. Since he's been home, I've been able to keep that, for the most part, and seem to be able to find my balance most days - simply because I have finally admitted to myself that I am powerless over his addiction. That 'first step' was a really, really important one for me, and no matter how many times I find myself needing to revisit it, it is worth every second I spend on it, because I move a little further forward each time. That one step is the reason for my ability to keep taking steps - whether they are big, little, baby, or even backward steps. In the long run, even when I take a step backward I bring something out of it that gives me a forward momentum - and it's all because I did a first step.
Thanks for posting this, Barb, and sorry that it took me so long to actually get some time to get in here. I know that I can really use an active step study.
For me, it took a long time to realize that I had no power over Mike's addiction. I thought for the longest time that I could keep him clean, I could be enough to make him not want or need to use. Talk about denial - I was the definition. When I got a real taste of his active addiction, I still found ways to convince myself that it wasn't his fault - the usual stuff, taking the complete responsibility off of him and taking it upon myself. I came here looking for the answers to fix him, and found that I couldn't do anything about him, instead. I read here, I pm'd with people, I finally started to work a program of my own, which for me was the biggest part of admitting that I was powerless...until then, I didn't realize that there was nothing I could do about the choices he made, only the choices I made were within my control. And still, nearly a year after finding SR and beginning my own recovery, I still find myself almost daily having to remember that I am powerless over others. I didn't realize how unmanageable things in my own life had become until Mike went to jail. In the three months he was gone, although I missed him and hadn't given up hope, I realized that things had become much calmer, I had found a peace that I'd never really known before. I had been forced to take control over each and every decision, regardless of how large or small, and found that without the worries over what he was doing, the energy I had been putting into controlling and manipulating and searching I had more energy for the things that really mattered, I found that I was not someone that had no abilities to handle life as it came to me. Since he's been home, I've been able to keep that, for the most part, and seem to be able to find my balance most days - simply because I have finally admitted to myself that I am powerless over his addiction. That 'first step' was a really, really important one for me, and no matter how many times I find myself needing to revisit it, it is worth every second I spend on it, because I move a little further forward each time. That one step is the reason for my ability to keep taking steps - whether they are big, little, baby, or even backward steps. In the long run, even when I take a step backward I bring something out of it that gives me a forward momentum - and it's all because I did a first step.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Northern California
Posts: 5
Powerlessness
At first, step one taught me that I'm powerless over my AH drinking.
Then I got that I'm powerless over what other people are doing, thinking, feeling. No matter how much I wanted to help them feel better, I could not.
The latest thing I've realized about step one is that I'm powerless over my mind. Alcoholism is a Family illness....that means I have that illness. I have a twisted mind, ..... I'm powerless over that.
This program is about me, if I'm focused on what I'm powerless over, then recognize how when I try to control what I am powerless over...my life becomes unmanageable. When I can recognize when my life is becoming unmanageable...I look for what I'm trying to control.
Happy, Joyous and Free!!
Karmic
Then I got that I'm powerless over what other people are doing, thinking, feeling. No matter how much I wanted to help them feel better, I could not.
The latest thing I've realized about step one is that I'm powerless over my mind. Alcoholism is a Family illness....that means I have that illness. I have a twisted mind, ..... I'm powerless over that.
This program is about me, if I'm focused on what I'm powerless over, then recognize how when I try to control what I am powerless over...my life becomes unmanageable. When I can recognize when my life is becoming unmanageable...I look for what I'm trying to control.
Happy, Joyous and Free!!
Karmic
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Me? I had to find mine first! And Al Anon helped me do that..rolling eyes
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Moving east
Posts: 217
Did I get the wrong book??
I bought Melody Beattie's book yesterday "Guide to the 12 Steps". I read the first step and I am totally confused. I'm new to the steps so please forgive my ignorance. Sometimes I think my mind doesn't work like "normal" peoples' minds. Some of it does fit my life totally but after reading the first chapter, what do I do? How do I work on myself? Years ago when I was married to the devil he said to me once "You have book sense but no common sense". Was he right? Maybe it's too early in the game for me to "get it". Also, when I get to the part about the Higher Power I'm going to have a problem. I was raised in a non-religious home. My mother never went to church and although she is religious now, I was never taught that there is a God. I'm not saying that I don't believe in God, I'm just not positive there is one. On the occasions that I do go with my mother to get-togethers at her church I try to believe and to have faith but it's just not there. People have told me "You'll know it when it hits you". I'm 45 now, so hit me. I really believe I need therapy. I broke down with my AH yesterday and told him I can't live like this much longer. He said, "Live like what?". DUH, idiot. I cried and he held me and I told him how I felt. Did it do any good? Of course not, but I did feel a little better once the dam burst. I'm not normally a crier, so I needed to get that out. Sooooo, does anyone have any suggestions on how I can understand Step 1. Is there another book I should be reading? BTW, I also bought the "Blue Book", you know the Alcoholics' Anonymous book because it was on clearance and you never know when it might come in handy. 
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
luv,
Take it slow. The first step basically says that we can not control other people, places and things. We are powerless over the alcoholic. That is the first step of the first step.
Don't worry about the higher power part yet, read all you can on our inabilty to control others. Print out what osier posted and go online and find more.
Become aware of your knee-jerk behaviors...those are the things that cause the most trouble. But changing yourself comes later. for right now try to wrap your mind around not being able to control others. Think about times you have tried and what the result was...write it down, start a journal.
Hugs,
JT
Take it slow. The first step basically says that we can not control other people, places and things. We are powerless over the alcoholic. That is the first step of the first step.
Don't worry about the higher power part yet, read all you can on our inabilty to control others. Print out what osier posted and go online and find more.
Become aware of your knee-jerk behaviors...those are the things that cause the most trouble. But changing yourself comes later. for right now try to wrap your mind around not being able to control others. Think about times you have tried and what the result was...write it down, start a journal.
Hugs,
JT
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
It has taken me a long time to trust my gut reactions. I am a people pleaser to the core. I have often thought it was my responsibility to lift peoples bad moods or, fix what ever crisis was happening at the time. I kinda laugh now at the pause that is still there for me to jump in and fix...The pause now is the time I use to get out of the way and let stuff happen as it will.
being powerless over other peoples stuff sure has given me a lot more time for myself and my peace. I have found that my life is very managable when I mind my own business...
being powerless over other peoples stuff sure has given me a lot more time for myself and my peace. I have found that my life is very managable when I mind my own business...
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Ok, OK, OK. I’ve got around to it at last.
I have taken some of the answers that I wrote first time around. It is fantastic to see just how much progress I have made. Thank you for this.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking?
Yes. I realise that another person’s choice to drink is exactly that: Their Choice.
Another person’s behaviour?
Yes. They have a choice in how to behave. I have a choice in how I respond. They have a choice to seek help, as I do.
How do I recognise that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
Yes. I realise that other people have different life experiences to mine and so their reactions will be different. I don’t need to point out where I think they are “wrong” as this is only my opinion. But I can choose to share my experiences and/or reactions.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease?
Hmm. I have great difficulty with this. In the past I believed in was a matter of straight choice. However, I now believe that alcoholism is a symptom of emotional distress. I believe that alcoholics have not learnt appropriate coping mechanisms and drink to numb emotional pain. I can accept that there is some research to show that alcoholics react differently when they have a drink than non-alcoholics.
How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
I realise that recovery is only possible if the alcoholic is prepared to seek help and work hard at addressing their emotional problems. It means that I have more sympathy for the alcoholic than I had previously. It means that I do not force them to get help – they will get it when they are ready.
How have I tried to change others in my life?
Where to begin! As far as the A in my life is concerned, I have cleared up bottles, emptied bottles, nagged, cried, demanded, manipulated, shamed, pleaded, disapproved, sulked, threatened, provided information on sources of help. And I’m sure much much more.
What were the consequences?
Frustration, hurt, feelings of hopelessness. Nothing good came out of it and nothing changed.
What means have I used to get what I want and need?
Demands, sulks, arguments, harsh words, letters, e-mails, manipulation, threats, ultimatums. Most of all, I have expected someone else to know what I wanted, rather than asked.
What might work better to got my needs met?
Asking. Meeting my own needs. Expanding my circle of support. Negotiation.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want?
Previously – Disappointed, frustrated, lonely, sad, depressed, disconnected.
Now – OK. He’s entitled to do and be whatever he wants. I don’t have to agree or participate.
How do I respond?
Previously – withdraw, be quiet sad, short, tut, sulk, disapprove, tried to do it my way, put him right.
Now – I focus on myself. Let him get on with it. Protect myself from his actions. Have a plan.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
I would be calmer, more in control of my own life, have the time and space for me, have more time to listen, be able to make choices that are good for me. I am able to see the bigger picture of my life And indeed that is what I have done.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
Remember to wait until I’m asked for help or advice. Ask questions and listen – sometimes people just need to talk. Remember that we all learn my doing things for ourselves. We also gain dignity and respect for ourselves in this way.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems?
Not any more
In what situations do I feel excessively responsible for other people?
When I think I know the answers and they don’t. When I think I know what’s good for them. When I think I can help and make a difference.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behaviour?
I’m not sure I do anymore
What brought me into Al-anon?
I realised that I needed help to live my life with an alcoholic.
What did I hope to gain at that time?
Support
How have my expectations changed?
I now know that I need help to live my life with me!
Who has expressed concern about my behaviour?
My parents, my friends on SR. ME!
My health?
My family.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
When I feel that I have no life, that everything revolves around other people. When I drift and am not interested in doing anything.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
I used to lead my life by what other people thought was right for me. Or what I thought they thought.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”?
Yes. I mean No. (lol)
I am more likely to say “Ok, if you want to”. I have felt I always had justify a “No”.
What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
I can’t manage my life like this.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
Yes. I have felt that I have to justify “me-time” and that I have to earn it. Not no, though. I am for better off taking time for myself and recharging my batteries.
How do I feel when my life is going smoothly?
Slightly nervous. I wait for the problem around the corner. Though I am getting better at keeping it in the day.
Do I continually anticipate problems?
Yes. I want to be prepared.
Do I feel more alive in the middle of a crisis?
Hmm. Probably. I don’t have to look at my own problems if I’m focussing on other peoples’.
How well do I take care of myself?
Poorly. Not enough sleep, exercise, fun, social life. Smoke. Spend too much time procrastinating. Tomorrow, I will do better.
How do I feel when I’m alone?
I need it sometimes.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Pity is condescending. Love is………?
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them?
I certainly was.
How have I tried to fix them?
How haven’t I?
Do I trust my own feelings?
Yes. For the first time in my life.
Now, I'd better get cracking. I see we're onto Step 3 already.
I have taken some of the answers that I wrote first time around. It is fantastic to see just how much progress I have made. Thank you for this.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking?
Yes. I realise that another person’s choice to drink is exactly that: Their Choice.
Another person’s behaviour?
Yes. They have a choice in how to behave. I have a choice in how I respond. They have a choice to seek help, as I do.
How do I recognise that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
Yes. I realise that other people have different life experiences to mine and so their reactions will be different. I don’t need to point out where I think they are “wrong” as this is only my opinion. But I can choose to share my experiences and/or reactions.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease?
Hmm. I have great difficulty with this. In the past I believed in was a matter of straight choice. However, I now believe that alcoholism is a symptom of emotional distress. I believe that alcoholics have not learnt appropriate coping mechanisms and drink to numb emotional pain. I can accept that there is some research to show that alcoholics react differently when they have a drink than non-alcoholics.
How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
I realise that recovery is only possible if the alcoholic is prepared to seek help and work hard at addressing their emotional problems. It means that I have more sympathy for the alcoholic than I had previously. It means that I do not force them to get help – they will get it when they are ready.
How have I tried to change others in my life?
Where to begin! As far as the A in my life is concerned, I have cleared up bottles, emptied bottles, nagged, cried, demanded, manipulated, shamed, pleaded, disapproved, sulked, threatened, provided information on sources of help. And I’m sure much much more.
What were the consequences?
Frustration, hurt, feelings of hopelessness. Nothing good came out of it and nothing changed.
What means have I used to get what I want and need?
Demands, sulks, arguments, harsh words, letters, e-mails, manipulation, threats, ultimatums. Most of all, I have expected someone else to know what I wanted, rather than asked.
What might work better to got my needs met?
Asking. Meeting my own needs. Expanding my circle of support. Negotiation.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want?
Previously – Disappointed, frustrated, lonely, sad, depressed, disconnected.
Now – OK. He’s entitled to do and be whatever he wants. I don’t have to agree or participate.
How do I respond?
Previously – withdraw, be quiet sad, short, tut, sulk, disapprove, tried to do it my way, put him right.
Now – I focus on myself. Let him get on with it. Protect myself from his actions. Have a plan.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
I would be calmer, more in control of my own life, have the time and space for me, have more time to listen, be able to make choices that are good for me. I am able to see the bigger picture of my life And indeed that is what I have done.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
Remember to wait until I’m asked for help or advice. Ask questions and listen – sometimes people just need to talk. Remember that we all learn my doing things for ourselves. We also gain dignity and respect for ourselves in this way.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems?
Not any more
In what situations do I feel excessively responsible for other people?
When I think I know the answers and they don’t. When I think I know what’s good for them. When I think I can help and make a difference.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behaviour?
I’m not sure I do anymore
What brought me into Al-anon?
I realised that I needed help to live my life with an alcoholic.
What did I hope to gain at that time?
Support
How have my expectations changed?
I now know that I need help to live my life with me!
Who has expressed concern about my behaviour?
My parents, my friends on SR. ME!
My health?
My family.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
When I feel that I have no life, that everything revolves around other people. When I drift and am not interested in doing anything.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
I used to lead my life by what other people thought was right for me. Or what I thought they thought.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”?
Yes. I mean No. (lol)
I am more likely to say “Ok, if you want to”. I have felt I always had justify a “No”.
What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
I can’t manage my life like this.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
Yes. I have felt that I have to justify “me-time” and that I have to earn it. Not no, though. I am for better off taking time for myself and recharging my batteries.
How do I feel when my life is going smoothly?
Slightly nervous. I wait for the problem around the corner. Though I am getting better at keeping it in the day.
Do I continually anticipate problems?
Yes. I want to be prepared.
Do I feel more alive in the middle of a crisis?
Hmm. Probably. I don’t have to look at my own problems if I’m focussing on other peoples’.
How well do I take care of myself?
Poorly. Not enough sleep, exercise, fun, social life. Smoke. Spend too much time procrastinating. Tomorrow, I will do better.
How do I feel when I’m alone?
I need it sometimes.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Pity is condescending. Love is………?
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them?
I certainly was.
How have I tried to fix them?
How haven’t I?
Do I trust my own feelings?
Yes. For the first time in my life.
Now, I'd better get cracking. I see we're onto Step 3 already.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Second star to the right....
Posts: 845
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?........How do i recognise this with anyone that is not me, it was a lesson in humility that i do not know what is best for everyone else, I only have come to know what is best for me through recovery and there are still times I question myself.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?..........yes it's a disease but the pain that was due to the abuse and so on still remains a scar in my inner tapestry that was glitched from birth. it wasnt the fact of it being a disease that made me forgive my family members but the fact that I wanted to stop being the victim of my own anger and resentment and sadness. I wanted to be happy joyous and free, recovery is little to do with the alcoholic and everything to do with MY life and MY journey. When dealing with drinkers?? I still avoid them most of the time! Sick or not I dont feel safe when around them.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
....usually ive done it with the best intentions, but if only they couldve read my mind to know that!!! haha, some of the worst things in human history were done with the best intentions. I DIDNT CAUSE ALCOHOLISM and I cant CHANGE< CURE OR CONTROL IT. powerless over people places and things but I have the powers of love and god and truth in mine sight and I have power over myself.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?........i often feel there is nothing that will satisfy my needs and wants and often go back to the same places because i dont know where else to go. slowly the program is teaching me faith and patience but im still getting along.
i accept i can only change myself, and that my life is unmanageable, i need god and alanon to live happy joyous and free, sometimes its a struggle, without alanon, its a downwards spiral through the thornbushes by hurricane winds.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
....it takes time to heal emotional wounds and human emotions arent machinery. patience and faith are essential for me.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
when people are struggling but i firmly believe i should not help another unless they ask me (or are unable to ask if in life or death situation)
just as my HP and alanoners dont (for the most part) help me unless i ask. its about keeping human dignity aND INdependence of choice.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
after therapy, drugs, booze, sex, food, fanatical everything i was still missing something!!! i had a tight ball of anger in my chest that wouldnt quit and this overwhelming inclnation of sadness and isolation.
my god alanon is a miracle!
How well do I take care of myself?
.....mostly ok nowadays but its hard to eat sleep and exercise well. foundation for my health!!
How do I feel when I am alone?
it depends, sometimes i can feel more alone when surrounded by noisy people then when im REALLY alone but i am never really alone, GOD is always with me to comfort me, guide me and just be there.
What is the difference between pity and love?
big one!!! too often i have confused the too, played the nurse or the patient. pity-love is immature i think. FOR ME, pity is beneath compassion, its looking down on someone whereas compassion is feeling empathy but on a more equal level. Love?? UNDEFINABLE!!! gods love, family love, friends love, romantic love, love for my fellow man, for nature? its endless and infitnite!! its everywhere!!
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
thers the feeling of intrigue and desire, and the familiarity and the deep passionate all consuming feelings that still tempt me at times. not so much the fixer but still attracted these days! waiting for healthy people to stop being boring.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
haha, sometimes. im changing all the time and so i do question what i ddo really want in life. to be happy joyous and free. to love and be loved. from a perspective i could have this but i still want more?
i can trust myself if i put all my trust, my faith in GOD, my will and life in his care but thats another step! (STEP 3)
cheers
toby
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?..........yes it's a disease but the pain that was due to the abuse and so on still remains a scar in my inner tapestry that was glitched from birth. it wasnt the fact of it being a disease that made me forgive my family members but the fact that I wanted to stop being the victim of my own anger and resentment and sadness. I wanted to be happy joyous and free, recovery is little to do with the alcoholic and everything to do with MY life and MY journey. When dealing with drinkers?? I still avoid them most of the time! Sick or not I dont feel safe when around them.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
....usually ive done it with the best intentions, but if only they couldve read my mind to know that!!! haha, some of the worst things in human history were done with the best intentions. I DIDNT CAUSE ALCOHOLISM and I cant CHANGE< CURE OR CONTROL IT. powerless over people places and things but I have the powers of love and god and truth in mine sight and I have power over myself.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?........i often feel there is nothing that will satisfy my needs and wants and often go back to the same places because i dont know where else to go. slowly the program is teaching me faith and patience but im still getting along.
i accept i can only change myself, and that my life is unmanageable, i need god and alanon to live happy joyous and free, sometimes its a struggle, without alanon, its a downwards spiral through the thornbushes by hurricane winds.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
....it takes time to heal emotional wounds and human emotions arent machinery. patience and faith are essential for me.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
when people are struggling but i firmly believe i should not help another unless they ask me (or are unable to ask if in life or death situation)
just as my HP and alanoners dont (for the most part) help me unless i ask. its about keeping human dignity aND INdependence of choice.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
after therapy, drugs, booze, sex, food, fanatical everything i was still missing something!!! i had a tight ball of anger in my chest that wouldnt quit and this overwhelming inclnation of sadness and isolation.
my god alanon is a miracle!
How well do I take care of myself?
.....mostly ok nowadays but its hard to eat sleep and exercise well. foundation for my health!!
How do I feel when I am alone?
it depends, sometimes i can feel more alone when surrounded by noisy people then when im REALLY alone but i am never really alone, GOD is always with me to comfort me, guide me and just be there.
What is the difference between pity and love?
big one!!! too often i have confused the too, played the nurse or the patient. pity-love is immature i think. FOR ME, pity is beneath compassion, its looking down on someone whereas compassion is feeling empathy but on a more equal level. Love?? UNDEFINABLE!!! gods love, family love, friends love, romantic love, love for my fellow man, for nature? its endless and infitnite!! its everywhere!!
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
thers the feeling of intrigue and desire, and the familiarity and the deep passionate all consuming feelings that still tempt me at times. not so much the fixer but still attracted these days! waiting for healthy people to stop being boring.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
haha, sometimes. im changing all the time and so i do question what i ddo really want in life. to be happy joyous and free. to love and be loved. from a perspective i could have this but i still want more?
i can trust myself if i put all my trust, my faith in GOD, my will and life in his care but thats another step! (STEP 3
) cheers
toby
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Courage to Change ODAT in Al-Anon II 8/27
At my first Al-Anon meeting, I was disappointed when I was given the Twelve Steps instead of a “do’s and don’t’s” list for changing the alcoholic. Nevertheless, I was desperate enough to give the Steps a try, anyway.
At my second Al-Anon meeting I thought I had those first three Steps down pretty well—I knew I was powerless, I believed in God, and I was willing to dump my problems onto anyone who would take them. As I continued to attend meetings I began to see that I wasn’t really admitting my powerlessness or I wouldn’t keep trying to control everyone and everything around me. OK, so I skipped the part about letting go and letting God.
Today I am so glad to have a patient God, so that when I finally say, “Not my will but Your will,” God steps in and sorts things out in ways I never would have imagined. The first three Steps aren’t as easy as I once thought, but in Al-Anon I’ve learned to aim for progress, not perfection.
Today’s Reminder
When I was dealing with alcoholism without the help of Al-Anon, I developed coping skills. These are no longer enough. Al-Anon is teaching me a new and better set of skills. I will try to be patient with myself. I’m doing fine.
“As long as you live, keep learning how to live.”
Seneca
At my first Al-Anon meeting, I was disappointed when I was given the Twelve Steps instead of a “do’s and don’t’s” list for changing the alcoholic. Nevertheless, I was desperate enough to give the Steps a try, anyway.
At my second Al-Anon meeting I thought I had those first three Steps down pretty well—I knew I was powerless, I believed in God, and I was willing to dump my problems onto anyone who would take them. As I continued to attend meetings I began to see that I wasn’t really admitting my powerlessness or I wouldn’t keep trying to control everyone and everything around me. OK, so I skipped the part about letting go and letting God.
Today I am so glad to have a patient God, so that when I finally say, “Not my will but Your will,” God steps in and sorts things out in ways I never would have imagined. The first three Steps aren’t as easy as I once thought, but in Al-Anon I’ve learned to aim for progress, not perfection.
Today’s Reminder
When I was dealing with alcoholism without the help of Al-Anon, I developed coping skills. These are no longer enough. Al-Anon is teaching me a new and better set of skills. I will try to be patient with myself. I’m doing fine.
“As long as you live, keep learning how to live.”
Seneca
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In the mountain air
Posts: 1,345
Since step 3 seems so hard for me, I'm going to revisit Steps 1 and 2.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
I've come to accept that I cannot control another person's decisions, no matter what they are, be it drinking, using drugs, or any other thing that life puts in their path, including behavior. I have no control over those things, and realize now that I never did.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
I realize that we all experience different things in our lives, and those things affect our habits, characteristics, etc. No one else has lived my life, and I have not lived anyone else's.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
I do believe that alcoholism/addicton is a disease. It changes how I deal with it, because by seeing it as a disease, I am able to see the possibilities of changing the behavior that goes along with it - through working a program, working steps, keeping in touch with others in recovery. It helps me to feel compassion for his struggles, and for me, viewing it as a disease makes it seem like it isn't hopeless. Because of that, I've been able to accept what is, and keep going despite the addiction.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
I've done just about everything to get others in my life to change. The consequences were that I drove myself crazy, and simply annoyed or angered whoever I was trying to change.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
I've cried, begged, snooped, manipulated, the works. I realize now that I need to simply and clearly ask for what I need, make compromises when necessary, and be sure to take the best care of myself that I can.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
Frustrated and invisible. I tend to respond by crawling inside myself.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
I would feel a great sense of relief, as though a burden had been lifted. He would't change until he was ready.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
Detach. Set boundaries. Let go. Focus on myself.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
I don't think I'm looking for a quick fix to my problems. I also don't believe that there is one. Fixing my problems requires the work, effort and time that I need to put into it.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
When people I care about are struggling through difficult times, I feel like it's up to me to make things better for them.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
I feel shame/embarrassment for other's behavior when they seem to not realize how they are acting.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
What brought me to an anon program was desperation to get out of the circle of insanity. I hoped that I would be told what to do to fix the addiction issues in my life. My expectations have changed since I've learned that the only changes that are within my control begin and end with me.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
I'll come back to this one - it could get long.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
I know my life is unmanageable when I am neglecting the important things and focusing my time and energy on something I can't do anything about.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
I look to others to tell me that I've done the right thing, made the right decision, or acted properly.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
All the time. And my ability to manage my life diminishes, because I'm preoccupied with things that I don't want to do.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
I am getting used to the idea of taking care of myself, and it's getting easier to do. I can take care of others easily, but I am learning to let them take care of themselves unless there are circumstances in which they require help, because they can't do it for themselves. I feel at peace when life is going smoothly. I don't continually 'anticipate' problems, but I am aware that they do happen, that it is a part of life happening. I don't think I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis- rather, I pull inside myself and feel less alive.
How well do I take care of myself?
I take care of myself much better than I used to. I've stopped putting everyone else ahead of what I need to do for me, and because of that, I am less resentful of the things that I do feel I want to do for others.
How do I feel when I am alone?
I enjoy being alone, I'm learning to like myself and actually try to find time to be alone from time to time.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Love - A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
Pity - Sympathy and sorrow aroused by the misfortune or suffering of another.
A matter of regret: It's a pity she can't attend the reception.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
Yup...guilty. I've tried to fix them by loving them, nagging them, enabling them, guilting them, manipulating them,,,,,,and on and on.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
I do trust my own feelings. As I've gotten to know myself, I've begun to understand my feelings.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
I've come to accept that I cannot control another person's decisions, no matter what they are, be it drinking, using drugs, or any other thing that life puts in their path, including behavior. I have no control over those things, and realize now that I never did.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
I realize that we all experience different things in our lives, and those things affect our habits, characteristics, etc. No one else has lived my life, and I have not lived anyone else's.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
I do believe that alcoholism/addicton is a disease. It changes how I deal with it, because by seeing it as a disease, I am able to see the possibilities of changing the behavior that goes along with it - through working a program, working steps, keeping in touch with others in recovery. It helps me to feel compassion for his struggles, and for me, viewing it as a disease makes it seem like it isn't hopeless. Because of that, I've been able to accept what is, and keep going despite the addiction.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
I've done just about everything to get others in my life to change. The consequences were that I drove myself crazy, and simply annoyed or angered whoever I was trying to change.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
I've cried, begged, snooped, manipulated, the works. I realize now that I need to simply and clearly ask for what I need, make compromises when necessary, and be sure to take the best care of myself that I can.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
Frustrated and invisible. I tend to respond by crawling inside myself.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
I would feel a great sense of relief, as though a burden had been lifted. He would't change until he was ready.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
Detach. Set boundaries. Let go. Focus on myself.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
I don't think I'm looking for a quick fix to my problems. I also don't believe that there is one. Fixing my problems requires the work, effort and time that I need to put into it.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
When people I care about are struggling through difficult times, I feel like it's up to me to make things better for them.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
I feel shame/embarrassment for other's behavior when they seem to not realize how they are acting.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
What brought me to an anon program was desperation to get out of the circle of insanity. I hoped that I would be told what to do to fix the addiction issues in my life. My expectations have changed since I've learned that the only changes that are within my control begin and end with me.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
I'll come back to this one - it could get long.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
I know my life is unmanageable when I am neglecting the important things and focusing my time and energy on something I can't do anything about.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
I look to others to tell me that I've done the right thing, made the right decision, or acted properly.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
All the time. And my ability to manage my life diminishes, because I'm preoccupied with things that I don't want to do.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
I am getting used to the idea of taking care of myself, and it's getting easier to do. I can take care of others easily, but I am learning to let them take care of themselves unless there are circumstances in which they require help, because they can't do it for themselves. I feel at peace when life is going smoothly. I don't continually 'anticipate' problems, but I am aware that they do happen, that it is a part of life happening. I don't think I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis- rather, I pull inside myself and feel less alive.
How well do I take care of myself?
I take care of myself much better than I used to. I've stopped putting everyone else ahead of what I need to do for me, and because of that, I am less resentful of the things that I do feel I want to do for others.
How do I feel when I am alone?
I enjoy being alone, I'm learning to like myself and actually try to find time to be alone from time to time.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Love - A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
Pity - Sympathy and sorrow aroused by the misfortune or suffering of another.
A matter of regret: It's a pity she can't attend the reception.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
Yup...guilty. I've tried to fix them by loving them, nagging them, enabling them, guilting them, manipulating them,,,,,,and on and on.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
I do trust my own feelings. As I've gotten to know myself, I've begun to understand my feelings.
Last edited by abtchonamission; 04-27-2005 at 12:26 PM.
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
WOW Minnie, Equus, Trisha and others. Thanks for sharing your experience, strength and hope with us. I am sure that many others will see themselves or their situation w/in your responses.
It seems that I am always coming back to step one. When my sponsor asks me what step I am working on today, my answer is always step X and step one. EVERY day I find yet one more thing over which I am powerless...
Again, thanks to you and the others above for sharing your Step One work.
Hugs
Barb
It seems that I am always coming back to step one. When my sponsor asks me what step I am working on today, my answer is always step X and step one. EVERY day I find yet one more thing over which I am powerless...
Again, thanks to you and the others above for sharing your Step One work.
Hugs
Barb
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Sioux Falls SD
Posts: 10
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
Influence it, but not control it.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
Know my own.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
Yes, some sympathy and some anger at the very nature of it—it allows for love and healing.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
I’ve tried to change myself (as if I were the problem). I have lost myself along the way.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
I’ve lied to cover up. I’ve manipulated, started arguments to get any kind of reaction/attention from him. I must learn the difference between needs and wants and try honesty.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
I feel like it’s a rejection of me. Sometimes I cry or scream, mostly I bury it.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
I would have to work on myself. It’s hard to imagine what this kind of life would be like.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
Trust that God has a better plan than I do.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
YES—no.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
I do this in times of crisis, when I need to “save” them.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
I feel like this when I see myself in their actions.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
I need closure or healing or a sense of community or maybe something else.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
My alcoholic husband worries about my anxieties. My mother worries that I’m not as strong as I once was.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
My life is unmanageable when I can’t remember how to live it and I avoid certain people who will hold me accountable for this. I sllep to much or not enough.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
I’ve gone to many lengths and compromised my ideals.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
I lose my ability to control. It makes my angry and I don't admit it enough.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
Doesn’t everybody?
How well do I take care of myself?
I don’t physically, mentally, emotionally, or financially.
How do I feel when I am alone?
I feel scared and anxious.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Pity comes from the need to mother and fix others. Love comes from respect, for me as well as the other person involve. Pity doesn’t allow for the respect of the other person.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
Yes, I have given people a place to stay, food to eat, money to live. These are things I can’t afford to give.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
I usually trust my own feelings but do like feedback. Yes, I know my feelings
Influence it, but not control it.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
Know my own.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
Yes, some sympathy and some anger at the very nature of it—it allows for love and healing.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
I’ve tried to change myself (as if I were the problem). I have lost myself along the way.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
I’ve lied to cover up. I’ve manipulated, started arguments to get any kind of reaction/attention from him. I must learn the difference between needs and wants and try honesty.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
I feel like it’s a rejection of me. Sometimes I cry or scream, mostly I bury it.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
I would have to work on myself. It’s hard to imagine what this kind of life would be like.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
Trust that God has a better plan than I do.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
YES—no.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
I do this in times of crisis, when I need to “save” them.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
I feel like this when I see myself in their actions.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
I need closure or healing or a sense of community or maybe something else.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
My alcoholic husband worries about my anxieties. My mother worries that I’m not as strong as I once was.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
My life is unmanageable when I can’t remember how to live it and I avoid certain people who will hold me accountable for this. I sllep to much or not enough.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
I’ve gone to many lengths and compromised my ideals.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
I lose my ability to control. It makes my angry and I don't admit it enough.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
Doesn’t everybody?
How well do I take care of myself?
I don’t physically, mentally, emotionally, or financially.
How do I feel when I am alone?
I feel scared and anxious.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Pity comes from the need to mother and fix others. Love comes from respect, for me as well as the other person involve. Pity doesn’t allow for the respect of the other person.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
Yes, I have given people a place to stay, food to eat, money to live. These are things I can’t afford to give.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
I usually trust my own feelings but do like feedback. Yes, I know my feelings
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Knotted up, thanks for sharing and welcome to SoberRecovery! There is a lot of wisdom to be found on these boards. I suggest that you read some of the Power Posts and "stickies" at the top of the forum, and share a bit more so we can get to know you.
Again, thanks for sharing your 1st step with us. Steps 2,3 and 4 are also here on the boards... step 5 will be up in a few more days.
Hugs
Barb
Again, thanks for sharing your 1st step with us. Steps 2,3 and 4 are also here on the boards... step 5 will be up in a few more days.
Hugs
Barb
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
This is from the book How Al Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics, pp 47
Al Anon does not promise that every alcoholic will get sober, or that sobriety will solve our problems or fix our relationships. We may never have the family of our dreams or win the love of those who have no love to give. But our program does offer us hope, because it is all about change. By being honest and admitting that the power we tried to wield over alcoholism was never readily available to us, we let go of the illusion that kept us imprisoned in an endless cycle of repetitious, self-defeating behavior and inevitable disappointment.
Al Anon does not promise that every alcoholic will get sober, or that sobriety will solve our problems or fix our relationships. We may never have the family of our dreams or win the love of those who have no love to give. But our program does offer us hope, because it is all about change. By being honest and admitting that the power we tried to wield over alcoholism was never readily available to us, we let go of the illusion that kept us imprisoned in an endless cycle of repetitious, self-defeating behavior and inevitable disappointment.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
