Savana 54

Is it normal to feel concern for my exAbf? I don't mean everyday concern but rather if he is actually alive. He has threatned suicide quite often when he has been drinking, he drinks and drives ALL of the time. A few years ago, he had a suicidal episode at his cousin's house, where we were living at the time. We had gotten into an argument, so he went out drinking with his cousin, I just went to bed and didn't worry to much about it. Then at 2am I wake up to yelling and screaming, his other cousin came upstairs and told me that he had a gun in his hand and for me to try to talk some sense into him.

When I glanced outside, I could see him rustling around with a 22 or shotgun trying to load it. His cousins managed to get the gun away from him, and of course I was to blame for not "talking him out of it." Everyone blamed me, even my ex.

So now of course I do worry about his wellbeing as far as his life is concerned. I know he isn't my problem anymore, but I still care for him as an individual. If something were to happen, none of his family has a way to contact me, nor do I think they would. They blame me for all of his drinking

How do I know he is ok? I'm sure right about now he is on a binge, probably on the verge of suicide depending on his drunken mood swings. Maybe not..

I guess I get concerned as I've always been there for him. I haven't heard anything from him, which is a good thing, but I do know how he gets when he is drinking. I dunno, it just scares me...

walkingtheline

STOP STOP STOP

You are not responsible for anyone's behavior other than your own!

Look at what you're saying:
Step away from the drama! He's out of your life. You don't have his problem, didn't cause his problem and you can't cure his problem.

Stop worrying about him and focus on yourself so you don't repeat this way of life again.

I hope you find peace.

Savana 54

Thanks walkingtheline-I totally understand what you are saying; and I know that I'M not reponsible for his drinking! Believe me, I really never blamed myself for that, I always blamed him. But, what I'm trying to say is I ONLY worry about him taking his life. I would never blame myself for that if it were to happen, it just goes through my mind a lot.

I still am trying to look after myself, but I still only worry about him as far as his suicidal tendencies, not about his drinking.

KATIE77

You actually said it.... he is your EX A/B. Do not worry about him. You finished for a reason. Concentrate on yourself and trying to find you own peace. You are responsible for nobody except yourself. You are not to blame!! You have "always been there" you say, but look at yourself...look how strong you have been to detach. Concentrate on moving your life forward. Keep going!! ((HUG))

Minx1969

Savana,

I understand how you feel. My exABF and I have been broken up for 7 months now. I still pray for his recovery every day but I know there is nothing I can do..He is still drinking, with another woman and is a diabetic but it is his life..

There is nothing you can do about your exABF..I watched my brother struggle his whole life until he ended it at 34..It was a hard thing for me to go through but I believe my brother is at peace now..I have never felt responsible for my brother and his addiction. I don't for my responsible for my exABF either but I do worry about him..it's not in my hands though..

Savana 54

Thanks for the support, I'm tearing up right now..

Am I really strong because I detached out of anger? Is there a difference? Aren't we supposed to detach out of love?

Minx1969

I think you are strong just because you are here on this board and you are willing to look at yourself and do what is right by you..

That's what I tell myself anyway!

I think detaching out of love comes in time..I know can look at the relationship I had with my exABF with love and not anger..

As I hear in AlAnon - "love him from a distance" ..which for me is no contact..but I love him anyway..

quietsins

i know a bit of what you are going thru. i try to detach with love, gently, and with loving words. but it never worked out like that. always it escalated to drama, with me being to blame.

if he wants to die, that is between him and god. if he wants to blame you, that is between him and God. if he wants to drink, that is between him and God.

if you want to blame yourself. that is between you and God, and he will heal you showing you a better way. if you want to feel responsible for things that arent your choice or fault. that is between you and God, and he will heal you showing you a better way. if you carry the weight of this yourself, that is between you and God, but hes much stronger and got a hell of a good imagination if allowed. if you want to get better, that is between you and God, and he led you here. and to Alanon. and good friends. and good people.

God is offering you a lesson. its when we dont turn a loving ear to his reply that he seems to beat us over the head with it time and time again. trust me i got the bruises to prove it. lol

i will keep you in my prayers,
quietsins

Minx1969

I had to smile at that one!

I've got lots of bruises too but they are healing nicely.