JennyK

My husband called to say he was still at the auction and would not be attending our daughter's teacher conference.

When we got home from the conference he was home and he was drunk.

I was so angry that I was seething. He sensed it and started to verbally attack me.

I started to leave with the children and he started to make a HUGE scene in front of them. So I stayed. And stayed far out of his way, while he played LOUDLY with the children making barbed comments the entire time. Things like "Oh kids, go over there and hug your BIG Momma". He was making repeated remarks about my weight which makes no sense at all as I am not overweight in the least. He also made snide underhanded comments about my housecleaning ability. I did not respond at all. I did not give him any attention at all. The children were really getting revved up, so I put them to bed early and then went to the basement toyroom and did not even see him again.

He just went up to bed.

I can't make any decisions now. I am in shock at the verbal abuse he was hurling at me. He must hate himself so much that he can't even face that.

He chose alcohol over our child. He chose his best friend and beer over our family.

I am cold right now. Tomorrow I will get up and go to work and not say a word about it. I HAVE to just let him be with himself for a day.

I don't know what I am going to do. So, I am again, going to do nothing for now.

What he did was unacceptable to me. I will NOT let him hurt me intentionally. His anger at himself and his situation must be so overwhelming that it is finally exploding outward onto us. This is new territory and a place where I am not willing to put myself or my children.

So please pray for me. And him. And them. I am scared of the next steps.

Jenny

quietsins

i will keep you in my prayers. you are a strong woman with beautiful children. god didnt give you such gifts because he thought you were weak.

queenofthehwy

((((((Jenny))))))
I am so sorry you and your kids had to see him like that and listen to the hate..
I will be saying a prayer for you tonight.
I hope you will have a better day tomorrow and be able to do "something"

walkingtheline

Prays will be flying.

You said:

The next steps are whatever YOU decide they are. No need for fear, you can control what happens. There's no need to react...you can be proactive and make your own plans based on what's best for you and your children.

(((JennyK)))

FormerDoormat

Oh Jenny, you poor thing. Sending prayers your way. It's OK to do nothing now until you figure out what to do. Have you started to form a plan? One temporary plan, in case you need to leave quickly, and one long-term plan in case you need to leave permanently? You may never need to put it to use, but it will always be available to set you free, if that's what you ultimately have to do.

I've shared my financial plan here before, and I had one ready for months, as I knew the day was coming that I would need it. I set myself a budget and then for several months I lived that budget--before I asked my exAB to leave--so I was sure I could make it on my own.

If you haven't started this process, perhaps it's time. Having a plan and working it daily is a fine way to take care of yourself. It's time to let go of the things you can't control and start changing those things you can. You're a strong woman, Jenny, you can take care of yourself.

Always here for you.

drgnfly30

(((JennyK))) I'm so sorry you had to go through this... I've been there & it hurts... you said it though.. he hates himself that much.. I know mine does! Sending Prayers your way..
Christine

JennyK

I have been thinking about this and I have a long term plan. I can move home to my parents house at the end of the school year. I can always go home. They will be able to help me. It is the short term that I have no real plan for. I have a friend who will take us for as long as we need and in terms of money, I can call on my family. It is the whole leaving thing. He will lose his mind if I do it while he is drunk. He loves our children so much and I know on some nondrunk level, he does love me. It became clear tonight that for the safety of my children's mental health I will not be able to leave the house with them if he is drunk. I have some ideas and some thoughts and will work on a plan.

In a way it is kind of freeing to not feel devestated, rather just DONE. If this is the path he is going to take, he will be doing without me. I have enough self respect and self confidence to know that it is all about HIM. That being said , I will NOT allow my young daughter to be raised in an environment where women are demeaned. I feel very powerful tonight. And scared and indecisive. Yet, not shattered. It is interesting.

Thank you,

Jenny

FormerDoormat

Well, it sounds like you have two very good plans. I hope you never have to use them, but it makes you feel more independent and less trapped to have them on hand. Perhaps if the time comes to leave then you could do so when he's at work or spending time away from home.

You know, he's not really angry with you. He's actually agry with himself. Angry that he can't do something that seems so very simple: stop drinking. Simple for most of us, impossible for him. Unfortunately alcoholics tend to take out their frustrations on those that they feel closest to. Perhaps it's because they know we will still love them. I mean, who else would put up with such unacceptable behavior?

I believe that the reason they direct their anger at their loved ones is because if they got angry with themselves, then it would be impossible for them to deny that they have a drinking problem. It's some kind of internal defense mechanism.

And while it's very difficult to live with an active addict and even more difficult to have a relationship with one, I do recognize that they are very sick and just can't help themselves. After my anger subsides, I can't help but feel compassion for them. They are suffering so.

It's OK to set some boundaries to keep your sanity. It's OK to leave if you can't stand it anymore. Just because you detach yourself emotionally or physically doesn't mean that you don't love him.

wraybear

I agree, he isn't angry with you, he is just trying somehow to make himself feel better, so in his mind by demeaning you it makes him feel better about himself. I truly believe it is shame and denial that then causes insecurity. Of course, I believe the shame comes with the progressiveness of their addiction.

You know, I married, what I thought was a very self-confident man. He could talk and have intellectual conversations with the janitor or the CEO. He knew a lot about what was going on in the world, history, art, politics, everything! He was a really smart intelligent funny guy. And now, I can't say that about this insecure, unconfident, depressed, almost scared man I am married to. It is horrible what addiction does to these wonderful people who we love.

I think your H and mine have some similar qualities. They both have admitted they are alcoholics. Therefore, in my case, since he has admitted it all along, and started his first treatment 8 years ago, I keep thinking he will get well. He KNOWS this is a problem, he is trying, he'll go for weeks, and months without drinking, so he will get well. I don't ever want to give up hope that he will get well. But, I don't have to live with him and I don't have to let my children live with a drunk either. It RIPPED my heart out, thinking about raising my kids without their dad on a daily basis. He was capable of being a great dad - but only when he was sober. Since I never know when he was going to be sober or not, eventually, he had to go, for the safety of my children and for my own sanity. I can not live with a drunk any longer. I just don't have it in me anymore.

But, I wasn't doing Alanon or anything until about 4 years ago. I joined a support group at my church for families of addicts. It has really helped me with setting boundaries. There is one person in the group that is VERY against divorce and is encouraging me to not follow through with it, but there are others that are supporting me whatever I decide to do. Even thinking about it makes me cry. I guess I am bringing this up because the decisions you make ARE YOURS - and no one elses. You will have to live with them. And I think you know most of us here will try to support you as best we are able whatever you do.

You have been an inspiration to me Jenny. I know your life seems very chaotic right now, buy by setting some boundaries, not accepting the unnacceptable, and living JENNYK's life to the best of her ability, everything will be okay.

Sorry, I kinda took over your thread with my own thoughts here, but I do understand.

You, your children and your husband are in my prayers, Jenny.