3Critters

When I think about this, I want to puke... Here's what happened. I gave my AH 'the ultimatum' two weeks ago. Told him to leave or quit drinking. He promised to quit drinking, but thinks he can do it by himself without AA or any counseling. Well, for the past two weeks I've been waiting for him to screw up. I know that sounds horrible. Well, last week, I noticed that there were three beers in the basement fridge. Assuming that they came from a six pack, that means that he'd been drinking at home by himself again. On Friday there were two left. So on Friday night after the kids were in bed, I confronted him. And here's what happened. I have no idea what made me fly into this rage. I've never done anything remotely like this before, but I seriously went psycho. I told him to leave (he wouldn't). Then I started walking around grabbing things and putting them in the baby bag so I could leave for the weekend. He just sat there and watched me. At one point, he asked me if he'd wasted half his life with me, since I was willing to so easily throw 'us' away. I recognize this as manipulation now, but at the time it was the catalyst that set me off into a rage. I actually (and now I'm cringing just mentioning this to you guys) walked up to him and slapped him in the face. Hard. He just stood there and then when he tried to turn away, I grabbed his arm and made him face me. He has a bruise on his arm from that. Then I said some awful things, and literally mid-sentence I realized that *I* was the one going into violent mood swings, and that this was all wrong.

I cooled off and apologized about seventy times, but he was spooked. I think he still is, understandably. He said that I must really not like him very much. He couldn't get the look of hate I gave him out of his head. I know what he means, because he's given me a look like that during one of his drunken rages (he's never gotten violent with me), and it spooked me out.

He was a little distant to me on Saturday morning, but was fine by mid day. Though it's not something he's going to forget, I'm sure.

But I DO love the man. And he IS trying - he's had a few beers, but nothing compared to his 12 pack a day habit of two weeks ago. Why did I fly into such a rage? What the hell is the matter with me?

I suppose I need counseling. This just isn't me, I'm the cool, rational one. Wow, I'm such a mess...

If you're still with me on this thread, thanks for reading.

best

Just as a tea pot whistles, we build up steam.
Once we learn and start working the steps, we stop building up steam.
A wrong action with a reasonable understanding of why it happened.

Take it in stride, learn from it, grow, and continue working on your recovery.

ahcb

3,

that episode perhaps got his attention better than 100 meetings, either use or his. He now knows that you, while patient,even very patient, do have a boiling point. A point where enough is enough. Perhaps this is just more incentive for him to stop....

justEllen

Alcoholics and addicts are "sharers". They share their disease with us, so to speak. I'm both an alcoholic and very co-dependent so I've experienced both and had to hit bottom on both counts. Others who live with an alcoholic become just as sick in their own way. They may never drink or use, but the sickness is still there, having been kind of absorbed from living with an alcoholic. Have you tried Al-Anon? I found that I was as sick or maybe even sicker in the Al-Anon kind of way as I was in my alcoholism. I guess the proper term for it is co-dependent, isn't it? Al-Anon could help you a lot in learning how to cope with the shared sickness and in learning how to take care of that rage. It can help you learn strategies for taking care of yourself and the baby in ways that will be the best for all concerned, including your husband.

cwohio

critters3 - unresolved anger, resentment can explode. i had a similar incident a couple years ago and by golly, i still didn't look into help for myself at the time (duh!) thinking, he's the one that caused it - you know - the old, "if he would just stop drinking, everything would be just fine" syndrome.

you really should look into counseling or something. there are issues that run deeper than we realize.

i hope you are easy on yourself today - you are human.

hugs to you - chris

osier59

I was just reading about this last night in the book Al Anon, How it Works. It was talking about how crazy and out of control WE get as a result of alcoholism, and why it's referred to as a family disease.

Be gentle with yourself. Find your part in the conflict and make your amends, and be willing to deal with the consequences of your actions, and then move on. That's part of what Al Anon teaches us.

The other thing I would strongly suggest is that you find an Al Anon meeting and GO. You will be amazed at the support you'll find there~

queenofthehwy

Oh 3, please don't beat yourself up over this!!! I don't care who it is, anyone and I mean anyone can only take so much before you break. I have done the same thing many times, not for a few years but yeah I did it. We're only human........
Mindi

Daffodil

Before joining Al-Anon and working the program IT was my behavior that stood out to everyone as being unacceptable even tho I told everyone who would listen just WHAT the problem was.

Living with the family disease of alcoholism is stressful but you can recovery and come to understand not only your part in it but understand the alcoholic too. Understanding does not mean accepting unacceptable behavior. Understanding does help me to accept all the principles of the Al-Anon program. Working the program is what brings me peace and serenity whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.

Hope you will attend some al-anon meetings and can find the answers for you.

walkingtheline

First of all, forgive yourself.

The good side of this is he can certainly not say you're ambivalent or that he doesn't understand that you're upset.

And it was a learning experience. For both of you. Let us pray he "gets it" and now you need to make some decisions about yourself.

Maybe some counseling? Meetings to seek support from others who will certainly understand? Maybe grant yourself permission to vent more before the head of steam becomes too large?

And, I suspect that there are many who will read your post and think to themselves...OMG! I've often wanted to slap him into next week and 3Critters actually did it! And they'll think it with awe!

Be kind to yourself. Some of us have done it, I'd bet most of us have wanted to!

escape artist

hey critters- i experienced the same insane rage- in fact i told him "too bad it didn't kill you". He never forgot that! Then i realized I needed help. Thus this site and Al-Anon meetings. I am doing much better. You will too.

elizabeth1979

Yeah, I have been like that for a week now. Spewing venom at people left and right...at least you spit yours at the deserving party

I just thought that was funny...

Daffodil

Heard at an Al-Anon meeting last night:

'WHEN I LIVE IN MY DISEASE I AM LIKE A VOLCANO SPEWING FORTH INSANITY ALL AROUND ME." Linda.

I thought this might help you along in your journey. I too have felt like the volcano because I would stock pile so much anger for so long that indeed I was like the one liner above, "spewing forth the insanity" of the family disease of alcoholism.

zoe

At some point and time we have had enough of being nice and understanding. Keeping our mouths shut and not saying what we want. The frustration and anger are the only things that are left. You did finally get his attention I am sure but it made you feel bad about yourself. Do get into counseling to learn some better copeing skills. Take the focus from him and put it on you. I don't mean to sound as if I am judging, I many times would have loved to slap my H but he is 6'2" 210lb to my 5'3" 140lb so no way am I testing that. Take care

Feather1207

I am a divorcee from an alcoholic and I tried anything and everything to get him to stop drinking.... finally through the help of Alanon and my HP I figured out "I" cannot threaten, leave, stay, prod or do anything that is going to make the alcoholic do what he is suppose to do... stop drinking, go to AA, find a job, pay the bills, etc.

I finally woke up to find "I" can only take care of me! This means getting on with my life, finding some enjoyment in friends, family taking some notice in the beautiful day that God has given us! Stay or Leave but do it For "YOU" not because you want to alcoholic to get sober. That may never happen.

I hope you attend Alanon soon, when I started going to Alanon I went for my husband and when I continued to go to meetings I found out I was going for ME!

Good Luck!