Is it okay to let him die?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: tryon north carolina
Posts: 10
Is it okay to let him die? I will try and be as concise as possible here .. i am new ty for allowing me to speak here.
I am a 59 year old woman with a 38 year old alcoholic son who i have asked to leave my home where he was living for 2 1/2 years after he asked us to help him get back on his feet after starting a window cleaning business.
He did NOT get on his feet ... things just managed to keep getting worse .. as of now he owes back child support and is in danger of going to jail .. he has no job no car no home and is a type one diabetic who does NOT care for himself .. he drinks a 12 pack a day or more and smokes.
His dad was working with him part time until June of 2004 when he began having the symptoms of what turned out to be a cancerous brain tumor. My husband MUST be my primary concern right now he needs a healing environment after having gone through 2 major brain surgerys in the past 5 months.
My sons drinking seemed to escalate when his dad got sick and it got to the point where he and i were getting confrontational and he was slamming doors and calling me names and this on the night when his father had just returned from the hospital.
He has NEVER stood on his own two feet and has always relied on family or on girlfriends (( all failed relationships )) to bail him out and help him.
My problem is i feel like i'm weakening .. he has been staying with his brother who is fed up and wants him to leave as well. I saw him last night and he is sick and discheveled and could be in danger of dying from diabetes ... he has no where to go and wants help getting back and forth to his jobs since he has no car. He tells me that if he goes to jail they wont give him his insulin he's read horror stories about things like that. And since he has no insurance he says no treatment center in our area (western north carolina) will help him. I don't want him to die but i can't keep enabling him and allowing him to run home. What should i do? tyvm.
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I am a 59 year old woman with a 38 year old alcoholic son who i have asked to leave my home where he was living for 2 1/2 years after he asked us to help him get back on his feet after starting a window cleaning business.
He did NOT get on his feet ... things just managed to keep getting worse .. as of now he owes back child support and is in danger of going to jail .. he has no job no car no home and is a type one diabetic who does NOT care for himself .. he drinks a 12 pack a day or more and smokes.
His dad was working with him part time until June of 2004 when he began having the symptoms of what turned out to be a cancerous brain tumor. My husband MUST be my primary concern right now he needs a healing environment after having gone through 2 major brain surgerys in the past 5 months.
My sons drinking seemed to escalate when his dad got sick and it got to the point where he and i were getting confrontational and he was slamming doors and calling me names and this on the night when his father had just returned from the hospital.
He has NEVER stood on his own two feet and has always relied on family or on girlfriends (( all failed relationships )) to bail him out and help him.
My problem is i feel like i'm weakening .. he has been staying with his brother who is fed up and wants him to leave as well. I saw him last night and he is sick and discheveled and could be in danger of dying from diabetes ... he has no where to go and wants help getting back and forth to his jobs since he has no car. He tells me that if he goes to jail they wont give him his insulin he's read horror stories about things like that. And since he has no insurance he says no treatment center in our area (western north carolina) will help him. I don't want him to die but i can't keep enabling him and allowing him to run home. What should i do? tyvm.
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Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Hi Eden,
You can be guaranteed that jail will give him proper medical attention. And that will include rehab, detox and medication for his diabetes. These are just excuses he's giving to you to keep you attached to him and the disease of alcohol. You don't want to keep enabling him as you said...then let him go. Make him responsible for himself. You've got enough on your plate.
Your focus needs to be on you and your husband.
Blessings
You can be guaranteed that jail will give him proper medical attention. And that will include rehab, detox and medication for his diabetes. These are just excuses he's giving to you to keep you attached to him and the disease of alcohol. You don't want to keep enabling him as you said...then let him go. Make him responsible for himself. You've got enough on your plate.
Your focus needs to be on you and your husband.
Blessings
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Sulphur LA
Posts: 47
I agree with gelf. At some point he has to take responsibility for himself. You have done more than your share. Doing more will not help him nor save his life. He is God's child now.
This is where faith in your HP is important. You should try to trust that whatever happens is part of the plan and let your HP take over.
I can only try to imagine how difficult this must be for you ... even then I'm sure my imagination falls short. Hugs to you and your Husband.
This is where faith in your HP is important. You should try to trust that whatever happens is part of the plan and let your HP take over.
I can only try to imagine how difficult this must be for you ... even then I'm sure my imagination falls short. Hugs to you and your Husband.
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Hello Eden,
It was an incredible moment for me when I realized that all the things I was doing to try to HELP my A son was actually hurting him. As a parent - a mom - it's our nature to care for/protect our young. At some point, however, we have to let them (or force them) to stand on their own feet, and to stumble and fall - and NOT catch them.
THAT is the most loving and kind thing we can do for them. It's hard to believe, and I fought it awhile myself... it took that realization deep down that I was HURTING him for me to let go and allow him to travel his own path.
If you can find an Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting, you'll find more good tools to help you deal with all of this. Be sure to take time for yourself ... with your husband's illness etc you probably don't have much time for YOU.
Hugs - we are glad you're here
Barb
It was an incredible moment for me when I realized that all the things I was doing to try to HELP my A son was actually hurting him. As a parent - a mom - it's our nature to care for/protect our young. At some point, however, we have to let them (or force them) to stand on their own feet, and to stumble and fall - and NOT catch them.
THAT is the most loving and kind thing we can do for them. It's hard to believe, and I fought it awhile myself... it took that realization deep down that I was HURTING him for me to let go and allow him to travel his own path.
If you can find an Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting, you'll find more good tools to help you deal with all of this. Be sure to take time for yourself ... with your husband's illness etc you probably don't have much time for YOU.
Hugs - we are glad you're here
Barb
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Eden,
I too have an alcoholic son. He's 25 and celebrates his 3rd month of sobriety today. We can't do a thing for them. As hard as it sounds and makes our hearts sad, it's true.
I too have an alcoholic son. He's 25 and celebrates his 3rd month of sobriety today. We can't do a thing for them. As hard as it sounds and makes our hearts sad, it's true.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hi Eden,
Welcome. I don't have control over whether someone lives or dies. It took me a long time to realize that the disease of alcoholism could kill someone, no matter what I tried to do to prevent it. And, as Barb said, I was prolonging the inevitable by trying to keep the alcoholic from the consequences of their actions.
I needed help and support to let go and let God have that life. I thought that something I could do could fix it, but I tried everything. I started attending Al-Anon meetings as a last resort. I still didn't like the idea that an alcoholic had to hit bottom before they could find help, but I had to try something different. I could no longer live with the heartache, worry, fear, and frustration. Al-Anon helped me to heal and showed me that I wasn't alone.
I am glad that you joined us. Please stick around. Browse the forums. You will see that their are many people dealing with the same thing. You aren't alone. Hugs, Magic
Welcome. I don't have control over whether someone lives or dies. It took me a long time to realize that the disease of alcoholism could kill someone, no matter what I tried to do to prevent it. And, as Barb said, I was prolonging the inevitable by trying to keep the alcoholic from the consequences of their actions.
I needed help and support to let go and let God have that life. I thought that something I could do could fix it, but I tried everything. I started attending Al-Anon meetings as a last resort. I still didn't like the idea that an alcoholic had to hit bottom before they could find help, but I had to try something different. I could no longer live with the heartache, worry, fear, and frustration. Al-Anon helped me to heal and showed me that I wasn't alone.
I am glad that you joined us. Please stick around. Browse the forums. You will see that their are many people dealing with the same thing. You aren't alone. Hugs, Magic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: tryon north carolina
Posts: 10
Thank you all so much for your replies it helps so much to know that there are others who are going through the same thing and who understand i am listening to everything all of you have to say and it reinforces what i already know ... that he has to do it himself .. Bless u all 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: tryon north carolina
Posts: 10
No Friend : i have not been yet but am thinking seriously about going i'm afraid that if i don't have support i will give in and begin enabling again and that's not going to do ANY of us any good. Right now i feel strong but need the strength to get through those weak moments when he shows up looking pitiful and poor and telling me how he's going to die if i don't help him. It goes against every motherly instinct to tell him to leave and get help on his own. I know you all understand what i'm saying from your comments. ty.:nervous
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Eden, my ex is a diabetic.
I can't tell you how many times he told me he thought he was "dying".
What was really happening was that he was managing his diabetes poorly and drinking a motherload of Vodka on top of that.
He's been sober two years now, and I haven't heard the "dying speech" in all that time.
He's your son and you love him.
But he has to figure this out on his own.
I know it's hard to let go.
But it really is the most loving thing you can do at this point.
Please remember to take care of yourself.
We Anons tend to forget about that.
I can't tell you how many times he told me he thought he was "dying".
What was really happening was that he was managing his diabetes poorly and drinking a motherload of Vodka on top of that.
He's been sober two years now, and I haven't heard the "dying speech" in all that time.
He's your son and you love him.
But he has to figure this out on his own.
I know it's hard to let go.
But it really is the most loving thing you can do at this point.
Please remember to take care of yourself.
We Anons tend to forget about that.
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