benefits

My A and I were together for 2 yrs. we lived together for most of that time. Something that has always bothered me was that he would not sleep in the same bed with me. There were a handful of occasions that we slept in the bed together but they were few and far between. He always had excuses but everytime I came up with a solution to the excuse he came up with another excuse. Example - he needs to have the TV on to fall asleep, so I put a TV in the bedroom. In the beginning there were times when he would sleep in my bed and he would tell me to hold him which I would do until he fell asleep. But over time that all changed. Also, sex became less and less frequent and by the end of our relationship he was physically incapable most of the time.
My theory is that he avoided sleeping with me to avoid becoming to connected. I also theorize it may have been a control issue because he knew it was very important to me and I really wanted him to sleep in the same bed. I think that even though he professed to love me and all that I think he always kept some distance.
I'm just looking for some opinions - did anyone else ever have this problem with their A??? Is this just an A thing???
I do want to point out that he choose to sleep on the couch - it's not like he just passed out there because he was too drunk to make it to bed.
Thanks

Ann

When a person is emotionally unavailable, they will often keep themselves from any physical contact as well. I don't know why people withdraw like that, but I know it is painful to be on the side that is rejected.

My experience with emotional unavailability is that I can't solve it for them, I can't make them become available, and I disappoint myself when I expect anything from someone who has nothing to give.

This problem is something I have dealt with most of my life, and I have to be careful not to allow myself to feel that I am emotionally unworthy. That's not as easy as it sounds, and I've got a lot of work to do on this.

Hugs
Ann

JessicaNAJ

The only time my AH slept in our bed (for the last 8 years or so) was if he wanted sex or if he just got some. Other than that, I'd have to ask him. OR, if I was on the couch watching tv and he was ready to pass out he'd pass out on the bed.

Regardless, it was surprise if I EVER woke up and he as still in there.

He said he couldn't sleep in the bed b/c it was too hot, or can't sleep because he thinks too much and thinks less on the couch, or because our son was in there, or .... he'd always come up with some lame excuse.

Live

I don't think I could deal with this. I, myself, need and get so much nurturing and nourishment and sense of security from the intimacy of snuggling and simply sleeping together.
If I am going to sleep alone, I would rather live alone.
That is just me.
But I would find it too painful on a regular daily basis.

Science does prove that we need very much the human touch. So, it isn't you.

sending a big cyber hug,
live

benefits

Jessica,
My A used the "it's too hot" excuse also. But the house was pretty much the same temperature throughout. Another one I loved was that he snored too loud and he didn't want to bother me. Well since I was not bothered by the snoring shouldn't I be the one to make that decision??
Even when I asked him to sleep in the bed with me he wouldn't. I have been opening my eyes more and more to how controlling he was without me even realizing it. I think the sleeping in the bed was a big control issue - he knew I wanted him there so he refused to sleep there. That put him in control. Also, with sex, if I initiated he would turn me down - he told me it was a turnoff when I initiated. What normal man is turned off by the women he supposedly loves initiating sex. Again, a control thing - it wasn't his idea so he refused to do it. My favorite excuse with that one is that it's not like a light switch - he can't just turn it on and off. Well, I am not the most experienced woman in the world but based on past relationships and talking to my friends, both male and female, it doesn't seem like anybody else has as hard of a time turning it on as my A did.
All these issues - it is no wonder my self esteem took a beating during our relationship. I feel it is a big blow to your ego when the person you love and have a committed relationship with is so turned off by you they refuse to sleep with you or have sex. Thank god for counseling and this web site. I have been reading a lot, coming here often and seeing my counselor. It's so good to be back to the old, more confident me!!!

Aquiana

I was just thinking about this very same topic the other day. Abf seems to prefer sleeping on the couch to sleeping with me more and more over the last few months. I was getting quite offended about it actually. He too has used a million excuses as to why he wants to sleep out there. The T.V., the temperature, he can't sleep ect. He seems to think the bed is for sex only. Some nights he comes to bed but usually disappears sometime in the night. I thought he was the only one! You know what though, I started to learn to be careful what I wished for. I mean I wanted him to sleep with me but half the time I got him stealing the blankets, hogging the bed and snoring so loud I couldn't sleep. I'm starting to get used to having the whole bed. Not only can I stretch right out but I used to have a problem with not being able to sleep whenever he went out. Now I'm so used to him not being there that I don't even notice when he comes home. The last couple times I talked him into coming to bed within a half hour I was thinking, "Okay, go back to the couch". Lol I'm starting to think that maybe I'm getting a good deal here.

benefits

You're right there are some benefits to sleeping alone. And even I will admit that sometimes when he came into the bed to sleep soon after he came in I wished he was not there - but those were usually times he was very drunk and he is quite restless when he is drunk.

cupowater

Yes! Me too! I cannot get a good peaceful night of sleep when he is there!

cwohio

i've been sleeping in the other bedroom most of the time because he either has been drinking and snoring, etc. or because he is going thru withdrawal and jerking around. i still don't sleep very well, but it's better than the alternative. isn't it sad!