Looking for guidance
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Utica, NY
Posts: 6
Looking for guidance
Hi all, found this site while looking for local al-anon meetings. Here's my deal. I am in love with an A. When I met him I knew he drank but had no idea of the severity. Some warned me ,said stay away he's bad. Thing is he's not, just has a bad problem.
Started out we drank together, I was going thru a break-up with my hubby and wanted to have fun and he was such a fun drunk. Problem started when Mondays rolled around and I got up for work and he got up and had a beer.
Anyways it was too late, I fell in love. To make a long story short he got in some trouble, nearly drank himself to death at age 27 and is now recovering in a long term rehab, sober for 7 months. This, from what I hear is his 8th time in rehab but 1st time he wanted to be there. I love this man and want to have a life with him but not sure how to deal with our sober life.
I don't want to be worried 24/7 that he will drink. And so many?????. Can he be around alcohol? What do I do for him when he gets urges and stressed. What about the wedding we are planning? No alcohol for anyone? AARGH! Any advice from someone in his shoes or mine. How do I cope with a sober AB?
P.S. I am only a social drinker and have no problem not drinking anymore.
Started out we drank together, I was going thru a break-up with my hubby and wanted to have fun and he was such a fun drunk. Problem started when Mondays rolled around and I got up for work and he got up and had a beer.
Anyways it was too late, I fell in love. To make a long story short he got in some trouble, nearly drank himself to death at age 27 and is now recovering in a long term rehab, sober for 7 months. This, from what I hear is his 8th time in rehab but 1st time he wanted to be there. I love this man and want to have a life with him but not sure how to deal with our sober life.
I don't want to be worried 24/7 that he will drink. And so many?????. Can he be around alcohol? What do I do for him when he gets urges and stressed. What about the wedding we are planning? No alcohol for anyone? AARGH! Any advice from someone in his shoes or mine. How do I cope with a sober AB?
P.S. I am only a social drinker and have no problem not drinking anymore.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((((luvdav)))))
Welcome to Sober Recovery!!! You have come to the right place. I have been on both sides of this fence. I have been sober for 19 years. But, by not going to AA meetings I believe I became co-dependent. In my opinion I believe it is much more painful to be co-dependent.
To shorten this and get to your questions about what to you need to do is keep the focus on yourself. It is not your responsibility to "help" him stay sober. It is up to him. I believe alcoholics and addicts pick up on the anxieties of the people around them and can,will and, have used it as an excuse to use....
You need to have good personal boundries and know where you end and he begins. You might also want to explore why you are actracted to an alcoholic. Honestly look at your own dysfunction. You might also want to read the book by Melody Beatty:"Co-Dependent No More" and start going to Alanon meetings and learn about living with a recovering alcoholic.
Welcome to Sober Recovery!!! You have come to the right place. I have been on both sides of this fence. I have been sober for 19 years. But, by not going to AA meetings I believe I became co-dependent. In my opinion I believe it is much more painful to be co-dependent.
To shorten this and get to your questions about what to you need to do is keep the focus on yourself. It is not your responsibility to "help" him stay sober. It is up to him. I believe alcoholics and addicts pick up on the anxieties of the people around them and can,will and, have used it as an excuse to use....
You need to have good personal boundries and know where you end and he begins. You might also want to explore why you are actracted to an alcoholic. Honestly look at your own dysfunction. You might also want to read the book by Melody Beatty:"Co-Dependent No More" and start going to Alanon meetings and learn about living with a recovering alcoholic.
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
Regarding your wedding, SO WHAT if you don't have alcohol?
My oldest daughter got married a year ago, and she and her husband decided they didn't want alcohol - they didn't want to contribute to people getting drunk - so, we didn't. We had a DJ who played great music and we danced the night away without alcohol!!! With our family history their were probably some people who brought their own bottle, but I saw no evidence of this.
Since he has SUCH a problem and has had all these rehab's, I would say, stay away from alcohol. Give him some time to "settle" into his new sober life.
And Splendra up above gave you some great advice that you should seriously consider.
Get educated about this addiction, and focus on yourself.
Regarding the warnings that people gave you "stay away, he's bad" - they may have not meant HE IS A BAD PERSON, they probably meant he is an addict, and THAT is bad. Also, most of us married nice, kind, non-abusive spouses who "just" have a problem. But, addiction is a HUGE problem if they don't get well. Active addicts #1 choice in their lives is their drug, not their wife, not their kids, but their bottle of booze or the bottle of pills. And, there truly is nothing you can do about his addiction.
I hope I haven't been too blunt. And it is awesome that he admitted himself to a long term rehab. Have you been involved in the rehab? Many places have "family" meetings to help the family learn how to cope. Get educated and I wish you a life of peace and happiness.
My oldest daughter got married a year ago, and she and her husband decided they didn't want alcohol - they didn't want to contribute to people getting drunk - so, we didn't. We had a DJ who played great music and we danced the night away without alcohol!!! With our family history their were probably some people who brought their own bottle, but I saw no evidence of this.
Since he has SUCH a problem and has had all these rehab's, I would say, stay away from alcohol. Give him some time to "settle" into his new sober life.
And Splendra up above gave you some great advice that you should seriously consider.
Get educated about this addiction, and focus on yourself.
Regarding the warnings that people gave you "stay away, he's bad" - they may have not meant HE IS A BAD PERSON, they probably meant he is an addict, and THAT is bad. Also, most of us married nice, kind, non-abusive spouses who "just" have a problem. But, addiction is a HUGE problem if they don't get well. Active addicts #1 choice in their lives is their drug, not their wife, not their kids, but their bottle of booze or the bottle of pills. And, there truly is nothing you can do about his addiction.
I hope I haven't been too blunt. And it is awesome that he admitted himself to a long term rehab. Have you been involved in the rehab? Many places have "family" meetings to help the family learn how to cope. Get educated and I wish you a life of peace and happiness.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I married a "fun" and "nice guy" drunk myself ...
... and as the addiction worsened, that "fun" guy started using foul language, accusing me of doing things I had not done, and began a program of emotional abuse, mostly in projecting his own self-hatred onto me. Yeah, I got right up on the booze wagon with the "fun" guy I was MADLY "in love" with for several years until I realized I couldn't keep up with him. Fortunately, most booze makes me nauseous or gives me diahrreah so I just let it go. And I've watched "Mr. Fun" go deeper into his addiction. He's been in two in-patient detox programs and two outpatient programs.
Now I go to Al-Anon every chance I get and stay out of the house as much as possible. My AH spends his weekend going to the liquor store, drinking any hour of the day or night and passes out in the basement on an air mattress. I am taking it one day at a time and keeping my side of the street clean.
Get "Codependent No More" because it's essential for a codie to recognize their own dysfunction as well as the part they play in the disease of addiction. You have to let the A in your life make his own choice to remain sober (or not). Start being selfish and focusing on you rather than on him. It can (and often does) make a difference for the better in the relationship.
Now I go to Al-Anon every chance I get and stay out of the house as much as possible. My AH spends his weekend going to the liquor store, drinking any hour of the day or night and passes out in the basement on an air mattress. I am taking it one day at a time and keeping my side of the street clean.
Get "Codependent No More" because it's essential for a codie to recognize their own dysfunction as well as the part they play in the disease of addiction. You have to let the A in your life make his own choice to remain sober (or not). Start being selfish and focusing on you rather than on him. It can (and often does) make a difference for the better in the relationship.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Utica, NY
Posts: 6
Thanks all, but someone explain this co-dependent thing to me. Everytime I talk to someone about my AB the word co-dependent comes up, Why? maybe I don't get it. My conversations about him are not bad, yet so many people tell me to get out now why he is in recovery and deal with my "codie" problem. ????? I love him, the sober him is just as fun and we have so many plans. He has been left so many times by family as well as friends and girlfriends because of his problem. I won't do that without really trying 1st. He is getting better and tells me everyday how good it feels to be sober, that means so much to me, and I will not sacrifice both our happiness because others think it's no good. Can someone explain this " co-dependent" thing to me and tell me where I can learn more about it? Thanks!
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Welcome! Wishing you love and light. There is great advice here. I will tell you what I know about co-dependency.
It is like you are an alcoholic in the sense that you are addicted to the A in your life and the actions and choices of other people. You are so wrapped up in other people you forget where you end and where they begin. It is important to acknowledge co-dependency and learn to separate your life from the life of others.
There are articles up at the top of the posts under the pinned topics. Look there for more info.
*Love and Light*
~Def
It is like you are an alcoholic in the sense that you are addicted to the A in your life and the actions and choices of other people. You are so wrapped up in other people you forget where you end and where they begin. It is important to acknowledge co-dependency and learn to separate your life from the life of others.
There are articles up at the top of the posts under the pinned topics. Look there for more info.
*Love and Light*
~Def
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Dear Luv,
Think about attending some alanon meetings. Talk to people there. Pick up the free literature they have. It will give you answers to lots and lots of questions you have.
Blessings
Think about attending some alanon meetings. Talk to people there. Pick up the free literature they have. It will give you answers to lots and lots of questions you have.
Blessings
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Welcome Luv
Have a look at the "sticky" or "power" posts at the top of this forum and also on the top of the nar-anon one. There's loads of info on co-dependency. Like this one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...&threadid=2658
Hope you stick around
Love
Minnie
xxx
Have a look at the "sticky" or "power" posts at the top of this forum and also on the top of the nar-anon one. There's loads of info on co-dependency. Like this one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...&threadid=2658
Hope you stick around
Love
Minnie
xxx
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
One aspect of Co-Dependency (that I suffer from) is thinking what I am doing is "helping" him get better. If I do this, then he will get better. Or, in some cases, if I don't do this, he will get better. Our lives become so entangled with THEM and ARE THEY DRINKING, WILL THIS MAKE THEM DRINK, WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE HIM STOP, etc, that we lose sight of ourselves. Our lives become TOTALLY emeshed in the alcoholic. Eventually after several years, I didn't even want to leave my home. I avoided going places and doing things, because I was afraid he would drink in my absence as he might get lonely, or whatever. GEEZ, HE WAS DRINKING IN MY PRESENCE, OF COURSE HE WOULD DRINK IN MY ABSENCE!!! And then their is the trait of "taking care of my A" - making sure he got to work on time, making sure he was eating properly, after he had been on a binge, it became so bad, I was treating him like he was a child, and he was accepting this treatment because he didn't know any better either. Of course, I felt in my heart everything I was doing was helping him. But really, it was hurting him in the long run as he was suffering no consequences for his actions, because I was taking care of everything - so in his addict mind, all was right with the world.
I could go on and on and on, and probably write a book... I just wanted to give you a little bit of a personal experience of my own codependency so you can have a little understanding of what codependency really means.
I could go on and on and on, and probably write a book... I just wanted to give you a little bit of a personal experience of my own codependency so you can have a little understanding of what codependency really means.
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