Jane Doe

Why does everything have to be our fault??

And more importantly why I let them make me feel horrible when I know it's not really my fault?

splendra

and if you can get past that one you will be cured my dear......

Dotty

hang on in there Jane, every time my A partner of nearly 20 years gets drunk it is my fault too, I am to blame. Not so. I am NOT the cause, I cannot control her drinking, I cannot cure her. I AM NOT TO BLAME, nor are you. Smile to yourself inside and say I AM NOT TO BLAME.

Gabe

Back in Spicoli's drinking days, everything was my fault.
His drinking, his unhappiness, his band problems, his work problems.
I believe I was even responsible for the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa and kidnapping the Lindburgh baby.
It's the blame game.
If it's your fault, it couldn't possibly be thier fault.

Shel

either you "get used to it " or get out is how i am looking at things!! Just becasue the A says it is doens't mean that it is !!! trust your judgement!

prodigal

It's true. Whether it's an asteroid coming within a zillion miles of Earth of the horrific disaster of a tsunami leaving so many children parentless ... they don't care. IT'S YOUR FAULT. You can supply them with the "fun" they need (read that to mean sex partner/drinking buddy) or you can hold your ground and then be at fault when THEY can't handle the responsibilities of an adult relationship.

I won't be crass and simply say, "Get over it." Rather, I would suggest that you read as much as you can about the disease, its progression, and your part (yep, we ALL have a part to play in the insanity) in it. Whether we like it or not, we are enablers - sometimes not consciously realizing it!

Getting angry will only give you high blood pressure and ulcers. It's THEM - and it's THEIR problem. Let the crap they thrown at you fly over your head. Easier said than done, I know. However, with a good support group and a program to work, as well as support here you will be able to overcome the guilt being tossed your way. You are only guilty for your own sins! He's accountable to himself and his Higher Power for his actions!

Peaches04

well, I can relate, so I'll share some... I'm finally getting off the merry go round and getting a divorce. BUT, I have just now realized that alot of things I've been blaming myself for are not my fault. My AH has always put blame on me for everything...even me getting a divorce is me bailing out on the family. It's like my sister told me just yesterday as I was saying "he said I'm this...he said I do this..." - she said "really? So, the divorce is because you don't cook healthy enough for the kids, and you do too much house work.... it couldn't possibly be because he's drunk every night, hasn't got a job, and is verbally abusive??? I had to say - even in my state - I started laughing. It just is so ridiculous on the periphery, but when you are in it - you feel responsible for everything!! I don't know the answer to your question, other than to say that if it's not your fault, than whose is it??? hmmmm...I think that's why it is always OUR fault.....NOT!!!!

myselfagain

I ruined his life his family, his retirement, and everything else I could, yep sure did, just to be HAPPY. And ya know what, I'd do it again if I had to. None of this Divorce sh** was his idea, it was all mine, so it must be my fault, right? WRONG. But he just dones't see it. He is not drinking, hasn't since the day I told him I wanted a divorce, June 2003, but he is NOT recovering. A dry drunk, yuck.I read enough here to know that I was not willing to go down the recovery road once he chose not to drink anymore. He had drank all my love , will to help him and any other feeling for him I had away at that point. But in his mind it is all my fault........
O.K. I"ll take 50 % of the blame but thats it. Kicked myself in the butt for not divorcing him several years ago. Past tense, not kicking anymore.
Anyway, life is great, I am happy, 3/4 of the kids are happy with it and thats what counts. I guess he thought it was just going to go on and on and on.

O.K................. I feel better now........................
Anyone else?
Take care

benefits

Your posts made me think about my past situation. My exAB were living together for about a year and a half - he had problems with drinking that I saw were getting worse and worse. When he would pull one of his going out all night stunts or leaving Sunday morning and not coming back until that night completely wasted stunts or any of the the stupid drinking realted things he did I would get mad and I would confront him about it. It was always somehow my fault. The usual excuses were that I was trying to control him. I didn't want him to have any friends. Because my ex-husband cheated on me I am suspicious of my AB for no reason. The list goes on and on. I finally decided enough is enough I am not to blame and I have every right to expect the man who says he loves me to spend time with me, respect me and love me back.

walkingtheline

I have been blamed for so many things, even things I had no knowledge of that it is indeed laughable and pathetic at the same time!

As you know, my ABF left sometime yesterday with the car, and as of this morning he is still gone. When I hear from or see him again, whether he's in a hospital, sleeping with another woman, arrested or drinking in another county you can be sure that the gospel according to him will be it's MY FAULT!

He will yell on and on about how I made him...drink, wreck his car, drove him to another woman, get arrested, sleep elsewhere...whatever applies...and the image of it makes me laugh inside. He's 6 foot and at least 185 lbs. I'm barely 5'3" and overweight...weigh maybe 140. But somehow I'm overpowering him, robbing him of his free will and making him do bad things.

Maybe I should get a uniform that included tights and a cape...or at least a T shirt that says I am all powerful.

benefits

Walkingtheline, that is good. My exAB is about 6' tall and 250 lbs. I'm 5'7 and 125. The day I kicked him out of my house I helped him pack up his stuff and drove him home. I was stupid enough to try and give it one last ditch effort and ask him why he did the drugs, lied to me, etc. Anyway, I did drive around the block to his house a couple of times trying to get through to him, to no avail. At no point did I go over the speed limit of about 35MPH and we stopped at about 6 stop signs. So a few days later I spoke with one of his friends who told me my ex told him how I drove him home and then held him captive in the car for hours and would not let him out. Yeah, okay....he couldn't have simply opened the door at the stop sign or worse case scenario jump from the car if necessary. okay......

benefits

Oh yeah, one more thing about the blame game. My ex and I tried to be friends after the break up. Last week I stopped at his house uninvited, I didn't think a friend needs and invitation. I don't usually have them when I pop in with my other friends and I usually enjoy when a friend surprises me with a visit. So we got into a discussion or should I say I got into a discussion as he refused to speak with me because I was being immature. The nature of the discussion was why he invited me to go out to dinner the previous night and then rush through dinner so he could drop me off at home so he could hang out and drink beer with his friend. I wasn't supposed to know about that part but since he said he was sick and that's why he was so distant and unsociable at dinner I was going to stop by his house on my way home from visiting another friend (uninvited I might add). I thought I would check to see if he needed anything. When I saw his friend was there I just kept on driving. I was at no point yelling, screaming, accusing him, nothing. I was just asking because it bothers me when someone takes me for granted and treats me like dirt. So I thought maybe we could just talk about this and maybe solve something. But like with any alcoholic the simple things can never be simple. He went into a rage like I have never seen. He was filled with so much anger and it was all my fault. Yes, I did say I would like to stay friends, but so did he. He did ask me out to dinner - not the other way around. Then I get this big rant about how I am so dense I can't take a hint - he doesn't want anything to do with me. I'm immature because I care about him and I take an interest in his life and on and on and on. So basically it was just about abuse me again. Project the anger on me. After all it must somehow be my fault that he drinks to much, uses cocaine, is behind on the mortgage, behind on the car payment, behind on the credit card, his friends use him, lie to him, etc. You see my point.