Treating him as an active Addict
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Treating him as an active Addict
Hi Everyone,
As we know just because someone puts down the drink or the drugs doesn't mean they are cured. The substances are just a symptom.
It feels right to be treating him as an active addict because that is what he is.
He has all the signs of active addiction going on, the anger, the manipulation, the frustration, the dishonesty, the total self-centeredness, no regard for anyone else.
As we also know active A's do pick the best times (sarcasm) to turn into an idiot.
Since this whole thing started with my ex ending up in the hospital it's been like the A's buttons have been pushed to the limit and he's had some strange reactions, his thinking has been pretty wacked out a couple of times.
Anyway I'm having a hard time with this but if I call I'm setting myself up as bait for him and he;s getting off the hook again.
I called over something two weeks ago after he blew up at me and screamed at me to leave him alone then hung up on me. When I stupidly called back 2 days later he twisted it around and said he hadn't called because he was leaving me alone when it was him who freaked out to begin with.
During those 2 days my son called him, I hadn't said anything to my son about it, he called and left him a message about something and he never called him back, came up with all kinds of reasons why he hadn't but it was all crap.
Ngaire
As we know just because someone puts down the drink or the drugs doesn't mean they are cured. The substances are just a symptom.
It feels right to be treating him as an active addict because that is what he is.
He has all the signs of active addiction going on, the anger, the manipulation, the frustration, the dishonesty, the total self-centeredness, no regard for anyone else.
As we also know active A's do pick the best times (sarcasm) to turn into an idiot.
Since this whole thing started with my ex ending up in the hospital it's been like the A's buttons have been pushed to the limit and he's had some strange reactions, his thinking has been pretty wacked out a couple of times.
Anyway I'm having a hard time with this but if I call I'm setting myself up as bait for him and he;s getting off the hook again.
I called over something two weeks ago after he blew up at me and screamed at me to leave him alone then hung up on me. When I stupidly called back 2 days later he twisted it around and said he hadn't called because he was leaving me alone when it was him who freaked out to begin with.
During those 2 days my son called him, I hadn't said anything to my son about it, he called and left him a message about something and he never called him back, came up with all kinds of reasons why he hadn't but it was all crap.
Ngaire
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: NOT in love thank goodness
Posts: 115
This is the boyfriend I believe. Ngaire, where did you leave it? Are you still seeing each other? Both just at a standstill? No one making a move or a phone call? If you need to make a call to have some kind of closure then so be it. What would it take for him to get his papers in order and come see you? How much time would that take if he really really wanted to do it?
If it is just a few days or a couple weeks.....then leave that up to him. Leave the ball in his court so to speak? I don't know. i'm not sure where you two are. But I feel the frustration and anxiety in your posts. You could do several things. Didn't you agree to pause your relationship? What exactly does that mean to you? I feel like you want to call him but are stopping yourself because you are afriad that is the wrong thing to do?
You do what you have to do. I guess that the old saying when the going gets tough it separates the men from the boys. People's true selfs become more apparent. Perhaps you are seeing how he isn't there for you in your time of need. You need understanding and patience. And you quite the opposite of that.
HUGS....what is going on now?
If it is just a few days or a couple weeks.....then leave that up to him. Leave the ball in his court so to speak? I don't know. i'm not sure where you two are. But I feel the frustration and anxiety in your posts. You could do several things. Didn't you agree to pause your relationship? What exactly does that mean to you? I feel like you want to call him but are stopping yourself because you are afriad that is the wrong thing to do?
You do what you have to do. I guess that the old saying when the going gets tough it separates the men from the boys. People's true selfs become more apparent. Perhaps you are seeing how he isn't there for you in your time of need. You need understanding and patience. And you quite the opposite of that.
HUGS....what is going on now?
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Hi Tiny Voice,
We left it an open ended break so we could, well me anyway talk to my A.A and Alanon sponsors and do some thinking and make some decisions.
Yes you can see the worry and anxiety in my posts because I'm having it.
I on one hand feel that because he behaved so badly it may in his court to make the call. If I make the call I'm still doing his work for him and taking away his responsibility..............again. My character defect, I've done it in all my relationships with men and it's the same thing everytime, I end up doing everything and feeling or being victimized and it just plain doesn't work.
The less he was doing the more I was doing to take up the slack.
Considering he used the "B" word and then accused me of all sorts of totally bizarre things right out of left field I feel if I make the call I',m setting myself up as door mat one more time, another pattern I have in relationships.
I don't know if this makes any sense. And yes TinyVoice I agree if he can get his papers done then why can;t he do it, this is part of the problem he hasn't been doing anything, not going to meetings, not talking to his sponsor, not going to counselling anymore so what do we have? A heroin addict having anxiety attacks and behaving like an irrational fool because he's not getting off his @SS to do anything about his life. And why has he had to I've been doing it for him.
Ngaire
We left it an open ended break so we could, well me anyway talk to my A.A and Alanon sponsors and do some thinking and make some decisions.
Yes you can see the worry and anxiety in my posts because I'm having it.
I on one hand feel that because he behaved so badly it may in his court to make the call. If I make the call I'm still doing his work for him and taking away his responsibility..............again. My character defect, I've done it in all my relationships with men and it's the same thing everytime, I end up doing everything and feeling or being victimized and it just plain doesn't work.
The less he was doing the more I was doing to take up the slack.
Considering he used the "B" word and then accused me of all sorts of totally bizarre things right out of left field I feel if I make the call I',m setting myself up as door mat one more time, another pattern I have in relationships.
I don't know if this makes any sense. And yes TinyVoice I agree if he can get his papers done then why can;t he do it, this is part of the problem he hasn't been doing anything, not going to meetings, not talking to his sponsor, not going to counselling anymore so what do we have? A heroin addict having anxiety attacks and behaving like an irrational fool because he's not getting off his @SS to do anything about his life. And why has he had to I've been doing it for him.
Ngaire
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So what is going on now this is day 6 that we haven't spoken and I'm finding it pretty rough I'm thinking things like what if he never calls, what if he goes and uses what if, what if, what if.
And the sick thing is I still have this underlying feeling of guilt and that I did something wrong.
And the sick thing is I still have this underlying feeling of guilt and that I did something wrong.
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Right on Minnie, another co-dependent trait to be dealt with!
And it's all the same old fears, what if he goes and finds someboby else because I'm not there blah blah blah blah.
Ngaire
And it's all the same old fears, what if he goes and finds someboby else because I'm not there blah blah blah blah.
Ngaire
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
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Originally Posted by ngaire
what if he goes and finds someboby else because I'm not there
Ngaire
Ngaire
Ask yourself - what are you getting out of the relationship? Then see how many of those reasons are healthy.
I say all of this with love, because I've been there.
Minnie
xxx
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I hear so many echoes of my story in yours. My ex did the same things to me he treated me really badly and then we would fight and then we wouldn't talk for a few days and then I would call him because I can't stand when someone was mad at me. I would wait a few days thinking well he'll be sorry about what he said and call to apologize - that only happened once and that was when he told me my son was such a horrible brat that he couldn't stand to me around him (he's 6 by the way and actually a pretty good kid) so he had to leave the house and the only thing he could do outside of the house was get drunk. He called to say he was sorry for saying it - he never said he didn't mean it he was just sorry for saying it to me. But anyway, I would call him to talk and let him lie to me and tell me it will not happend again, etc. He had all the power and I was nothing. As time went on it just got worse because he knew I would always call eventually and then he would always twist it into being my fault and more or less attack me- all the while saying he loves me, blah blah blah!!!
If I were you I would not call because it will just diminish your self esteem. And yes I too had the same feeling of what if he finds someone else while I'm not there. I think I am finally coming to realize that oh well, if that happens what exactly am I missing out on - a liar, an addict, someone who does not respect me, someone who doesn't really love me, etc, etc. In other words good luck to the next girl. I deserve better!!! And so do you!!!!
If I were you I would not call because it will just diminish your self esteem. And yes I too had the same feeling of what if he finds someone else while I'm not there. I think I am finally coming to realize that oh well, if that happens what exactly am I missing out on - a liar, an addict, someone who does not respect me, someone who doesn't really love me, etc, etc. In other words good luck to the next girl. I deserve better!!! And so do you!!!!
Finding Strength
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Boston , MA
Posts: 91
Well said benefits!
There was a thread on here a little while ago that was called "let it go" (I think)...Check it out....I printed it and have it on the fridge, I read it everday and more if I need to...its working!!
Hugs
Michelle
There was a thread on here a little while ago that was called "let it go" (I think)...Check it out....I printed it and have it on the fridge, I read it everday and more if I need to...its working!!
Hugs
Michelle
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Well I spoke to a friend of mine this morning and we talked about "blazing new trails" or taking a new action. My action has always been to call, I've always put out the cushion. So I guess 1 1/2 years later before things go any farther it's time to find out what he will or will not do.
Who knows maybe he'll never call again.
I think this break is good it's giving me alot of tie to reflect at least and decide on what I won't be doing anymore.
1. We won't be living together.
2. No more talk about getting married.
3. No more spending time cooking extravagant meals and leaving him left overs for the week.
4. No more getting him commissions for his art work.
5. No more arranging payment for the art work by cash so he doesn't have to open a bank account.
6. Only spending 1 maybe 2 nights a week there not 3.
7.Putting in my mind a deadline for him to get his a## together for his paperwork. And don't tell him about the deadline.
That's it for now.
Ngaire
Ngaire
Who knows maybe he'll never call again.
I think this break is good it's giving me alot of tie to reflect at least and decide on what I won't be doing anymore.
1. We won't be living together.
2. No more talk about getting married.
3. No more spending time cooking extravagant meals and leaving him left overs for the week.
4. No more getting him commissions for his art work.
5. No more arranging payment for the art work by cash so he doesn't have to open a bank account.
6. Only spending 1 maybe 2 nights a week there not 3.
7.Putting in my mind a deadline for him to get his a## together for his paperwork. And don't tell him about the deadline.
That's it for now.
Ngaire
Ngaire
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Thanks for asking.
My ex is doing terribly, I don't think he should be alone. My son was very upset tonight seeing him, he was in tears. My son and I sat at the table and talked about it, he told me he doesn't want to be alone with his Dad anymore. So I don't know, I'll have to call the home care doctor on Monday and put a bug in his ear that maybe my ex might do better in a home facility.
Anyway my son has gone overnight to a friends and he'll call me tomorrow and we'l see what's up.
So it wasn't a good evening.
Ngaire
My ex is doing terribly, I don't think he should be alone. My son was very upset tonight seeing him, he was in tears. My son and I sat at the table and talked about it, he told me he doesn't want to be alone with his Dad anymore. So I don't know, I'll have to call the home care doctor on Monday and put a bug in his ear that maybe my ex might do better in a home facility.
Anyway my son has gone overnight to a friends and he'll call me tomorrow and we'l see what's up.
So it wasn't a good evening.
Ngaire
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