JessicaNAJ

I "owe" my AH his part of the Income Tax money. I had an idea that could maybe help him out so I called him. I asked him if he wanted me to write him checks to what he owes. That way he wouldn't have to go through the trouble of getting money orders.

Let me bore you with this conversation -

Me - "What are you doing?"
AH - "Getting ready to eat."
Me - "I'm just calling to see if you would rather me write a check for you for everyone you owe. It might save you some money."
AH - "No."
Me - Okay - Can I write a check to you or do you want cash?"
AH - "It don't matter b/c as soon as you give it to me its gone."

My heart sank - I could tell he was drinking and he has our daughter AND he has to pick up our son at 4:30. He was getting ready to eat and when he's been drinking that means he's going to pass out.

Me - Greg, please don't tell me your drinking with her there.
AH - I'm not
Me - Okay. (I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.) What's Amanda doing? (now I get the one word answers)
AH - Playing
Me - She's quiet (trying to lighten up the conversation a bit)
AH - Other room (it just didn't feel right to me)
Me - I'm going to come home on my lunch an take her to the sitters. I'll be there in a few minutes. (I was NOT being rude, I was shaking, but my tone was calm.)

He started verbally attacking me - and told me right off the bat I was irritating the F__k out of him. I can't remember what else was said - I hung up. He called back.

Me - What?
AH - Whatever, you hung up on me.
Me - Because you were attacking me.
AH - You were attacking me from the start!
Me - How was I attacking you? I was trying to help. How is me offering to help you attacking you? (deep breath) How did I attack you, Greg. I obviously don't see it as I was, so tell me so I know what I did.
AH - Whatever, it didn't happen.

Okay - Maybe I offended him by offering to help. I can see that now since I wrote all this out. But - that does not give him the right to verbally attack me.

I think it really made him mad when I said I was going pick up our daughter and take her to the sitters. He ended up taking her. My sitter called and said, "what's wrong with him? (why did he drop her off)" I said, "I think he's been drinking." then she said, "I didn't smell it on him, he seemed fine."

I have to trust my instincts on this one - do you think I went overboard? Do you think I was wrong (contructive critism is welcome).

If he wasn't drinking, did I just give him a reason to go the bar? I have to protect my daughter! That was right, right?

JessicaNAJ

I feel like I made something out of nothing.

cwohio

jessica - don't second guess yourself - i think the offer to help was kind of maybe embarassing to him (like a mother/child scenario). no he doesn't have to be verbally abusive but he's trying his old ways to see if you will revert back to yours. that's the only thing he knows. when it comes to your child, you have a right to want to protect them. go easy on yourself!

Gracey

If I was able to afford it I would take my kids to the sitter's everyday, and that would take a huge worry off of my mind.........I wouldnt want to guess everyday if my H was drinking or not......9 time out of 10 I think he would be so for my peace of mind if all possible I wouldnt give him the privilage of watching my children.......

you are giving him no reason to go to the bar, that is his choice. I tell my H if he wants to drink, he is only hurting himself, I am not letting it affect me or my kids anymore..........

I am going to try to do what is best for me and my kids.........I offered for so many years to help my H and nothing I did would work..........I cant help him........so if he want to drowned I am going to let him, but I am not going to go with him........

Gracey

I have alot of trust issues, I am sorry, but I have learned the only person that I can trust is me.

JessicaNAJ

Gracey - I think trust or lack thereof is the right word.

I would have been worrying the rest of the day about my daughter and her wellbeing. He did not give me any reassurance for me to know that he was NOT drinking . Or to take the worry away that she would be okay and he would be able to get our son from school on time. At least now I know that she is in a safe place and I will be there to pick up our son. I have my peace of mind about that.

I started second guessing myself when my sitter told me that he seemed fine and she couldn't smell alcohol on him. I know him better than she does and I know in my heart that he was drinking. He, without saying it, made that very clear to me.

I don't trust him - I did what I felt was best for our daughter.

JessicaNAJ

Thank you cw - that is easier said than done when you have someone coming at you. I started thinking I was making something out of nothing.

JessicaNAJ

I feel like I need to call him to make amends, but then I feel like - I did what I had to do for my sanity and he took it wrong, that's his problem.

HP - Give me strength to NOT call him tonight.

Gracey

I know that when my H gets in those moods, that there is no way of talking to him drinking or not drinking.......I wish you luck in not calling him tonight.......if he is already drinking it would only hurt you..........do something for yourself and your kids tonight.

queenofthehwy

Jessica,

You were absolutley right to have your daughter go to the sitters!!! You know him, you trust your gut especially when it comes to your kids.

You do not need to make amends he took it wrong and it's his problem. If he goes to the bar, that is HIS choice you are not responsible for his choices.

You are doing the right thing for you and your kids keep it up!!!!!!

Mindi

dreamcatcher

It is better to be safe than sorry. You need to do what you need to do to stay sane in your mind. So what if he uses it as an excuse to go out and drink, it's not like it hasn't happened before. YOU and your children are #1 and do whatever it takes to keep it that way. Trust is a huge issue and now the only person you can trust is YOU. Be good to yourself and stay strong. If something happened to your daughter you wouldn't want to have looked back and regretted not taking action. No harm done.

CatsTail

Hi Jessica,

There are 2 issues here one is your kids and 2 is trying to help him.

Don't try to help him, he needs to hit his own bottom on everything It's his problem if he owes money.

But you can find ways to help yourself and your kids. and it's right that you are concerned about your kids.

And don't call him you did nothing wrong you were just interrupting his drinking time.

Ngaire

cwohio

jess - do not call, do not call, do not call, do not call..........

((()))

queenofthehwy

Oh yea DON'T CALL HIM!!!!! Be strong girl!!!!

CatsTail

We need to start a "Do Not Call Group."



Ngaire

JessicaNAJ

My biggest problem is - I don't like when people are mad or upset b/c of something I did, even if it was the right thing. I really need to get over that.

Gracey

I am agreeing with everyone here.........and I know that I have said it.......try not to call.......you did nothing wrong

queenofthehwy

Me too. I hate to think that someone might be mad at me.

But how many times has he made you mad, and not cared? Don't feel bad, and most of all DON'T CALL HIM!!!!

Mindi

Gracey

I am starting to not care if they are mad at me.........it takes up to much of my time worrying about what other people think.............I am not going to be mean by all means, but I matter too, and I dont have to agree with everyone else.........I am hearing your side and I dont agree.........and I have a right to disagree and cant we leave it at that.............that is my new line..........

gelfling

Always go with your gut. Never doubt nor question your decisions. You've been through ti enough to know what the possibilities might be.

No you didn't give him any reason to go and drink. If he does drink, he'll use anything as an excuse.

Blessings