4560103

Someone has to help me, I am inconsolable. Five years ago, the most wonderful sober man walked (10 years sober) into my life. My two kids were then 3 and 5. He took them under his wing and was an incredible dad, promising them he would always be there for them, doing Indian Guides, walks in the woods, discipline, help with homework, a God-centered home. You name it. I must admit that he was very moody, yelled a whole lot at the top of his lungs, kicked my dog a couple times. Besides his yelling, he refused to come to sleep before 3 or 4 in the morning and then would be very irritated that he would have to get up to see the kids off on the bus. He was working from my home as a programmer and never left the house. Out of the blue 10 days ago, I came home after work and he was gone. No note, left half his possessions just gone. I am unable to describe the grief I am experiencing. It is like he died and I am going through his items and it hurts. We talk every day, he is 38 and moved home with his mother and dad. Apparently, while he was telling everyone he was making $70,000 per year, in reality it may have been $30,000 and he is $10,000 in credit card debt, $40,000 on a school loan and one of his jobs went bad and he could not pay the utility bills that month. He never mentioned this to me - his parents were down for five days over Christmas and he was telling them how much he makes. He is blaming everything on me, telling me I got him in debt by making him raise kids that are not his. All he paid was utilities - I paid the mortgage, food, cigarettes, clothing, everything. And had he mentioned his cash flow problem to me, I could have just taken money out of the savings account like I have done three times before until his check came in.

I am so angry at him, I can not express it. He lied to my children who are now 10 and 7. They are crying because they miss him and he lied to them - he told them they would always be his. They think it is their fault because they had to wake him up to get on the bus. I am so hurt, tears just keep falling out of my eyes. He tells me he loves the kids and every day he lived with me was wonderful.

He just snapped. I have snapped. I don't want to hear any of this canned crap about going on for the kids. My kids don't have their Dad anymore; I can not offer them a family like I always dreamed. Their real father has not seen them in five years, nor does he want to.

Mike will not tell me if or when he is coming back. I laid into him yesterday about the pain he has caused the children. My son is crying because there is an Indian Guides camp out next weekend and his Dad left him.

Is this some kind of normal behaviour for sober alcoholics, they just snap? Someone please help me before I collapse. Thank you.

Gabe

Hey Karen, I'm sorry that you are in so much pain.
Loss of a relationship is like a death and there is plenty of grieving involved.
Normal behavior for a sober alcoholic?
I don't know if there is such a thing.
People under financial pressure often snap.
And people who have made a mess of their life often blame it on someone else.
We get through the tough stuff one day at a time.
You will find lots of encouragement and support here.
Glad you found us.
Gabe

4560103

I just don't know what I did wrong. I can't understand how a person can walk out on a family that cherished him. He tells me I ruined his life. I am a total complete mess. How could I have been so blind to not know he was so unhappy that he would disappear. What is the best strategy? We have been talking about 8 times per day. Should I just cease contact with him and move on? One day he just needed a break and may come back, the next day he seems to take pleasure in my pain.

casey_r_98

I don't have the answer, but I have an oppinion.

wow, This guy sounds like a loser. He yells at the top of his lungs and kicks your dog?

I am not in love with the guy. You are. I think. Therefore, my perspective is different, so forgive me for my not so sensitive view.

It sounds as if you were miserable 'with him' and now you are miserable 'without him'.

I'm suposed to NOT give you advice or tell you what to do. You have to find the answers for yourself. I would like to tell you to unplug your phone, box up his crap and kick him to the curb, but I can't do that.

I tried for years to get my alcoholic husband to change. He treated me like I was the source of his problems. I suppose I was where you are. I guess it has been so long that I have forgotten the craziness that overtook my every thought every minute of the day. I look back on it now and I wish I would have focused on myself and my kids more.

I hope that you will find the strength that you need to get through this day.
You are a person who deserves to be treated with respect.

bikewench

Hey Numbers.. Welcome to Sober Recovery.

Sounds like lots of "depending" is going on... and does hurt a lot when someone says... "I'm done playing."

If your fairly new to recovery... you probably won't know about codependancy which is the mother/father lie of them all.

If your looking for answers as to why this could happen...and where to go from here... I'd suggest you read all the sticky posts at the tops of the thread sections. They contain basic information about how the disease of addiction/control works and will hopefully help you understand the dynamics in your relationship with your guy.

I know how much your hurting... but this could be an opportunity to have a healthier relationship with self and kids and mate. Be open to change and growth and you'll probably be fine as your still yakkin up a storm with him.. ;o)

FormerDoormat

I agree with Casey. You described your husband as a person who is moody, yells at the top of his lungs, and kicks your dog (animal abuse is inexcusable). You also went on to say that he has deceived you about how much money he made and that he was innundated with debt and kept that information from you as well. And on top of that you went on to say that other than paying the utilities, he contributed nothing to your family's monthly expenses.

So why then do you say "every day with this man was wonderful?" This seems so contradictory to me. Do you think that you just so wanted to have a wonderful relationship with him that you were unable to see the relationship as it really was? Sometimes we want things so badly that it's hard to see the truth. So you need to ask yourself was this relationship as wonderful as you thought? And do you want to try to fix a relationship with a man who has deceived you in so many ways?

I find that the best way to judge a person's future behavior is to take a look at their past actions. Human beings are creatures of habit and they tend to repeat past behaviors over and over again. He's already proven to you that he'll lie about important issues that affect your entire family. He's already proven to you that he's willing to take advantage of you and not foot his fair share of the bills. He's already proven to you that when things get rough, he'll run away from his problems rather than face them. He's already proven to you that he's abusive and willing to hurt defenseless animals. If pushed in the future, he'll likely physically abuse other family members as well.

I think you need to ask yourself if this relationship was as wonderful as you thought. I believe in time, you'll find that you only imagined the relationship was wonderful.

You deserve to share your life with a responsible, loving, caring, and honest partner. Ask yourself why you're considering settling for something less.

I'm so sorry you're hurting today. Here's a hug for you.

prodigal

It sounds to me as if his running away was true to form. He was dishonest with everyone - including himself - and was not accepting responsibility as a parent or a husband as far as providing for his family. I mean, these were NOT little white lies he was telling, these were MAJOR lies that had a substantial affect on the family's well-being. Running home to mommy and daddy is just one way to weasle out of taking responsibility for the TRUTH.

What you decide to do is your business. I know what I would do if faced with a similar situation, but I'm not you.

And, let me add that any human being who kicks, beats, or abuses an innocent animal in any way whatsoever should have the same treatment meeted out to them. I feel the same way about people who harm innocent children. Sorry, but I have no pity for your husband. On the other hand, I can understand your grief at such a sudden and unexpected loss. I don't think you're going to have much in the way of meaningful communication with someone who it appears has spent his entire relationship covering up and lying to you.

bluester

4560103,so sorry this had to happen to you. Know you are in such pain,right now. But in the very near future this will turn to anger and hate. After reading your post,I am angry at this man...who has been dishonest with everyone. Lied to all. Covered up his actions..yelled..kicked your dog and god knows what else he has done. Unusually when some one like this has done this much...you will find there is more grief to come. Any way you you might want to check your computer? Not coming to bed till 3 or 4 in the morning...was he having a on line affair....looking at porn??
I am really so sorry he had to do this to you and your kids. Hang in there and keep posting. My thoughts and prayer are for you and your kids.
Glad you weren't married to this bloke. Think of all the messy divorce you would have to go through. I am really sorry for your kids. Know it is hard for them. Glad they have you for support.
Killing a $600.00 bird?? This man had a mean temper.. lied....porn....kicked and killed animals...had major money problems.
Wonder what else has he hidden in his past??? He probably has a new women. A new life and the lies can begin again. Seems the way the cycle runs with this type of person!! They just keep running from one to another...another and another. Until they are...put in jail.... change and stand up to responibilites of their actions...or they are DEAD!! Sad isn't it? To bad some people have to be like this.
Just be happy you and your kids are out of this stituation.
My thoughts and prayers are going to be for you and yours for a long time. Please keep posting and letting us know how things are going for you.
Take care of yourself and kids. Keep safe.

4560103

Now wait, I was not married to this guy. The kids are not his, even though he treated them like they were his and introduced himself as their father and did their homework with them and signed their papers, etc. He told me that I manipulated him into that role. I thought he liked it. You are correct on the porn - I managed to catch last sites visited a couple times. He was claiming he was working all night, but I found out which arm was working. I am getting to the point of hate and pure anger, but my anger is that I allowed this man to form serious bonds with my children who worshipped and adored him and then he dumps them like poop. I cry for them mostly. Every day was fine with him; I did not care how much money he brought in and he did buy some appliances as they broke that he keeps throwing in my face. I do realize at this moment that I exhausted myself trying to make a great home for my kids and for nim and I thought I was doing a good job.

It hurts me so badly that he tells me I seduced him and held him hostage for five years. This is a man that you could not tell to do ANYTHING. It was his way or the highway on every last issue. How could I have ruined his life?

minnie

Hon, you haven't ruined his life. If his life is ruined, he did that all by himself. Did you keep him locked in the basement? No? Then how did you force him to stay all this time? He made that choice. So, no need to beat yourself up about that.

Alcoholics blame other people to take the focus on themselves. Don't listen to it - we call it "quacking" - hence my duck as my avatar.

take care

Love

Minnie
xxx

4560103

Oh, goodness. I forgot that he drowned a pet bird of mine because it made too much noise. I forgot all about that. I guess I did not want to see that he was horrible because the kids liked him so much. Yes, he killed a $600 bird.

elizabeth1979

Hi, I am so sorry for your pain. Did I miss something (so entirely possible or did you say he was sober when you met him? Are you sure? Sounds like everything mine did the whole time he was hiding his cheap vodka from me and telling me he was sober. And the just leaving? Mine did that too a couple times. The money thing...yep that happened to me. I am still not sure if he lied about about how much he made, or lied about how much he spent on alcohol.
I am fairly sure you didnt keep him as a hostage, mine use to say to him, just let me go...and when I said ok...he would say I didnt love him...on and on... and round we go. What they really mean by we hold them hostage is we hold them accountable. I stopped holding him accountable...not my job. I think mine wanted me to be so scared of him leaving, that I would just take whatever crap he dealt out.

Keep your head up......and I am so sorry for your pain and confusion...confusion is worse I think.

minnie

Hmm, maybe your guardian angel is looking out for you.

Aquiana

He yells at the top of his lungs, kicks your dog and drowned your bird for being noisy? Just my opinion but he seems downright scary to me. You know what they say about people who can hurt defenseless creatures. Again in my opinion there's flags going off all over the place here. It sounds like he has a very mean temper. It sounds like he did you a favor by leaving. Keep your surroundings safe.

4560103

Now I wonder why I overlooked all the bad things. He kicked someone elses dog in front of a bunch of teenage kids in the neighborhood and they were so appalled that they started putting nails in MY tires. Why Me? Why didn't they put them in his tires? It looks like I just accepted all this and erased it from my memory bank. Then he smacks the kids in the head from time to time. I would get so mad, that hurts! I know he was not drinking, I thought he was on a dry drunk and told him to get help and that is when he left when I sent him the dry drunk article. Yikes!

4560103

AND.. he has not filed taxes in three years and pays people and never 1099's them. Boy, am I glad I tripped over this site. I learned a long time ago never to tell your best friend or family what a mate does because they can never forgive, while you do. I wonder how he gets away with not filing taxes.

Aquiana

I think that makes it even scarier.... I know we're not supposed to say it but I can't help it... please, please stay away from him. I have bad feelings on this one..

4560103

Why? What do you think he will do? All I need is more problems.

Aquiana

I shouldn't have put it quite that way, I apologize. Perhaps he'll do nothing. I just sounds like he's got a really mean streak in him that you shouldn't need to put up with. It sounds like he's gotten himself into a lot of trouble and I hope you don't get dragged into it. I'm only reading what I see so I could be way out to lunch but from what you've said he can be violent as well. I just hope the violence doesn't turn to people instead of animals. Like I said, I could be way out to lunch. You'll know if you're safe or not I'm sure.

4560103

He won't tell me where he put my gun. I have been ripping the house apart looking for it. His brother got thrown in jail twice, the second offense was for violent rape. The other sister is dysfunctional, the mother came and left as she pleased when the grew up - down to Florida, back to NY, wherever. The other brother is called MadMan **** by his neighbors,even spray painted it on his fence. I am about to go home for the day. Things look a little different than from this morning. Thank you. I think I will just hang up on him tonight..Anyone know any NORMAL people on this list?