Osakis

How do people live with the anguish this disease causes day after day after day? I know my brother is going to die from this -- probably sooner rather than later. The grief and worry for my brother is already killing my 78-year-old mother. My 14-year-old nephew is having to deal with the fact that his father can't be a real father to him. And I can't do anything to help any one of them. I know, I'm supposed to be "taking care of me." (I've got all the books, know the Al-Anon party line, etc.) But every person in the world who's important to me is in so much pain, and that's all I can see right now.

Grieving,
Keri

1sunshine2

to concentrate on detaching from this. Ya know how rescue people on the highways, get callous to car wrecks that if you and I would see we would just be traumatized? You have to somehow, get not callous. that's not the right word, but you have to be able to detach yourself from the wreckage, and take care of your own psyche. Or you will end up another crash victim yourself...I can say this stuff today, because there are no car wrecks in my own front yard. TODAY..there are none. Take each day as it comes, and take care of yourself. And hopefully one day at a time, you will get through this...you sure aren't going to be able to help your mom get by this, if you don't take care of yourself first, so you can get beyond it...It's gut wrenching as heck..there's no doubt about that...but you have to just keep pushing forward by reading the books you have read, by the serenity prayer if you have to say it 5000 times under your breath..till you believe the words in it..the acceptance of unchangeable things...You can't change the weather today...you accept that don't you.....alcoholism is as strong as any tornado you will ever see....and you can't change that either...so do what you would do if a tornado was coming...accept that it is, and seek shelter from it....don't run directly into the path of it...get the heck out of the way and let it spin out.....I hope you will be okay...I do know and today I can be strong for you....and maybe tomorrow you will need to be strong for me....but seek shelter and take care of yourself first....

Osakis

Thank you for the words of support. I've written a letter to my brother, but don't know if I should send it. This is what I said:
-----------
Bro -

I’m sitting here trying to figure out how I can help you, and knowing there really isn’t anything I can do. That’s the hardest part of all this for me – seeing someone I love so much hurting and being helpless to make everything right for you. Your life is your life, your choices are your choices, your pain is your pain, as all the recovery books say. It sucks, though.

I talked to Sis last night after I spoke to you. She’s been trying to reach you and is pretty worried. You might not want to talk to anyone right now, but remember that we care and would like to know that you are all right. When we don’t hear anything and can’t reach you, we fear the worst.

I guess housing is another issue you’re facing right now. I know that you don’t want to move back here, but please keep in mind that there other options. Even though you don’t like Father McGuire, I think he could help you find a place to stay for a while.

Please, please take care of yourself and be safe. I hope you are eating and taking your medication. I can’t offer you much in the way of financial help, but will help you keep your anti-depressant prescription filled if you’re willing to keep trying that. If you’re drinking, please don’t drive, keep taking your B vitamins, don’t put yourself in dangerous situations.

Above all, remember that you are deeply, deeply loved – by your sisters, by Mom, by Kay, by your son. There is always hope and you have people who want to be there for you. I won’t be mentioning your situation to Mom right now, but if you need me, call me on my cell phone or at work.

I urge you to reconsider going to AA. Even if you’re not comfortable with the spiritual aspects, the program can at least provide a support network for you. I hate to think of you having to deal with everything all on your own. Take advantage of what social services can offer. Now that you’re unemployed, you should have access to health care, counseling, housing, assistance, job placement services.

I hope this letter doesn’t hurt you or make you angry. I just want so much for you to be happy and healthy– to have the life you deserve. You are my only brother, and you are so dear to me. Don’t give up on yourself, and don’t give up on us.

All my love,
Keri
__________

Would this letter do more harm than good? I want my brother to know he is loved and he doesn't have to go it all alone ... his isolation and depression are my biggest worries right now. But my brother is deeply ashamed and doesn't want me or my mother to know what's going on with him. Maybe it would be best just to wait for him to reach out to us if he wants to? I know nobody here can provide answers ... I just feel so desperate and so sad.

Keri

FormerDoormat

I think it's perfect. I wouldn't change a word, and yes, I think you should send it. Sending good thoughts and prayers your way and hoping in time you find peace. Big hugs to you.

wraybear

Osakis, what a lovely letter. Nothing but love is in this letter and that is all you can do for him, let him know you love him.

I know you know there is nothing you can do. You can "help" his son though. You can invite him to family gatherings, activities, or just "hey you want come spend the day with your aunt kinda day". He probably more than anything needs to know he is loved. I have two older children 18 and 20, and I think that was the worst part, was not "feeling" loved by their dad. Now, they know and understand he was just a very sick man and incapable of showing his love.

You are right, this is a sad and frustrating situation, but it sounds like you know the right thing to do and say. I admire you for being able to write such a loving letter in the midst of knowing this addict is hurting so many people in his family!

This is a great post, reminding me that LOVE is what this life on earth is truly all about. That's what our lives are supposed to be... LOVE LOVE LOVE... relationships... relationships... relationships...

THANKS FOR THE REMINDER!!!

jojo

Keri -

Your brother is lucky to have you!!!!!!

Hugs, Jo

Zoey

Wonderfull letter. It cannot do any harm to send. I would draw a heart on front and back, so he would know filled with love.

Osakis

New chapter in this saga ... last night I get a call from some woman whom my brother is apparently trying to con into thinking he wants a relationship with her (he needs to find a place to live, and uses his charm to use these poor women). He apparently said he was spending the evening with me, but I told her I hadn't seen him. She spewed a mouthful of obscenities about what a liar he is (like I don't know already). Why does he have to involve us in his lies? Why does he feel he has to use and hurt people to save himself? I called my sister and told her I just want to step out of his life. She's still trying to save him. We're all trying to keep mom from finding out he's fallen apart again. Who needs this crap?

Keri

Cap3

There is always ..hope...If the pesron is breathing there is..hope..I dont balance ,or live my life, on the hope that another gets sober.If i do,then,i myself need help.I need recovery.There were folks that in my past,that i knew would never get sober.They did,though.This teaches me that i really just dont know,about another.,or how their life will change.Another cannot get me involved with anything , without my permission.They can try to con,tell me lies,push,cry,and do all these things.But it is me,that decides what i get involved in or not.If im finding im getting myself in all that "stuff",that i dont want to get into,but im in it,then im allowing others to control me.I need help,here.Its not them.Its me,im the problem.I tried to help family member too.I was part of the sickness.,and i was sick too.I dont know why i thought back then that i could help them.I was in it knee deep.I needed to let go,of the sickness.And start to live in wellness,healthier.,and in recovery.My family knows i love them.I just stoped playing in the sick games of another.I cannot control others.I cannot stop others from being hurt,.I can be there.I can listen.But i cannot control the situation.Or have the sickenss control my own life.Step back.I can pray.I can be an example,of a healither way of life.Let go,Let God,work the miracles in anothers life.I needed to get out of Gods way.At first this was so very hard for me.For i kept lieing to myself,saying there is something that i can do?But there wasnt.All my plans failed.All my plans got me was more into my own sickness.I thought i was helping.What i was doing was in God,s way...Let go,let God.And today i can tell you that its all worked out,for the better good,one day at a time..
Thanks for letting me share,,
God Bless take care!!!!!!!!
sending prayer for you and your family.!!!

JT

Keri,

I know exactly how you feel. My son has created alot of wreckage and it is hard to watch. All I have to offer is what I do. I try to do the right thing one day at a time, I try to not let my son's life take over my thoughts, my motherless, fatherless grandson is the most difficult for me but even there I do my best to not become consumed with it. I do not participate in his drama, rude conversations, problems or constant crisis's. I constantly remind myself that I deserve to be happy, I have earned it and I am not going to be dragged down.

Hugs,
JT

nocellphone

Keri,

Knowing the philosophy and attending meetings for the unmatched support one can find there are quite different. Have you attended meetings? There are people there who have been through what you're going through and have warmth, compassion and solutions (for YOU) to share...

An alcoholic may know what AA has to say, but it's doubtful (s)he will achieve sobriety without going to meetings and embracing a recovery program.

Osakis

Chapter 3: My 78-year-old mother returned from her weekend trip in a state. It seems she had a call from the sheriff's office just as she was about to leave on Friday, looking for my brother. The sheriff said he was concerned about bro because of something that had happened at the workplace -- of course Mom assumed he was dead, but didn't know what to do as she was on her way to a convention with several other women.

I've talked with my brother several times and he seems to be okay -- claims he doesn't know a reason why the sheriff's dept would be looking for him, unless a coworker was concerned about his mental state or something. He swears he isn't drinking and that he's not suicidal. I hope both are true.

Flower Girl

Osakis: Gee, this sort of sounds like my alcoholic son's life! I read about all of this "letting go" stuff, and just when I think I am able to do it, boom--out of the blue comes a phone call from AS who is in a crisis. It is so hard to not want to help him. Easy to say--not so easy to do. I have my first counseling appointment this Thursday, along w/another session (free) given by an AODA counselor who is going to address some of the issues of enabling and saying NO. No wonder it is so hard for them to recover, as I find it terribly difficult myself to recover and I don't have the addiction! I did tell him that living in the Midwest in the winter was not the best time to be homeless. Was that negative?

Osakis

My brother lies and lies and lies. He swears up and down he's not drinking, that he knows he can't survive if he drinks -- then we find out he "fell off the wagon" and phoned in a threat to his former employer (hence the call from the sheriff). We don't know what to do or where to turn. Al-Anon is supportive, but provides no answers or advice. Do we turn our backs on him? Will he truly only get help if he is reduced to living on the street? I'm having trouble concentrating at work, worrying about other commitments (I'm supposed to be in a play in a couple of weeks, but who knows what will be going on by then?). I love my brother very much, but I wish he and his problems would just go away.

Keri

hope2bhappy

I believe you are going to have to allow him to fall, even if it means living on the streets. Not the answer you want to hear, I know. How does it all end, if we never allow it to end?

wraybear

maybe you can find some peace in knowing that if he "hits is bottom" that may be the path to a new life for him. It sounds like you already know that. Living on the streets, may eventually lead to a shelter. All the shelters around here have programs that addicts can join, work programs, training, counseling, etc. My husband has worked with many of them who have turned their lives around. We can always have faith and hope, but that doesn't mean we have to allow them to ruin our happiness.

I know you worry about your mother, but sometimes these older people have more wisdom and peace than we think they are capable of. My AH's grandma was 86, just passed away earlier this year, but we always kept things from her. When I finally could not keep it from her any longer, she was of course upset, but she started prayer chains, and prayed her little heart out and she was very honest about her feelings with my AH - told him to straighten up and fly right. He needed to hear that from someone who he respected.

I know you know there is nothing you can do. And, worry only hurts you.

I found this on the internet, and thought it might be appropriate...

What good can come from you worrying & fretting about this?
The answer will and should be NOTHING!!!

NEXT ask yourself:
Can you change or fix the situation by getting all upset?
The answer will and should be NO!!!!!!!!

THEN ask yourself:
What will happen to you IF you worry or fret about this?
The answer will be that it will make you sick and more upset.

OK so we know that it isn't easy to NOT worry.
It's almost natural to worry and stress out over something that we have no control over. BUT remember that The Lord is omnipotent and omniscient. He is in control of ALL things. He doesn't need your help to FIX the problem either.

I hope that helps just a little - take care of yourself!