Finally made a decision!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: WA Rainforest
Posts: 209
Finally made a decision!
You know I read all these posts here and I think to myself " why on earth doesn't she leave him???? " but it's so hard to take my own advice. Even with all my friends hinting very broadly that I should get out. And his own counsellors coming right out and telling me to either kick him out or leave. But who wants to be a quitter? and who can totally give up the idea that maybe he'll get better?
But I'm househunting. He won't leave, I've tried to get him out, but he won't go. My life's been disrupted enough and I don't want it to be disrupted anymore but he won't leave. I tried to explain that to one of his counsellors and he told me not to give AH that much power, don't leave it up to him to leave or stay. If he won't leave then I have to.
I had so many excuses for not leaving. My garden! but it's frozen solid right now and won't need any kind of regular attention til May or June. My dogs! but they adore him and he'll take care of them just fine. The livestock! they were his idea to start with, let him take the responsibility. I have no income! well guess what neither does he and I at least have sympathetic family to fall back on, his is sick of him. It'll be lonely without him! it's even more lonely with him, and I can move to be closer to friends. I don't want to disrupt my life any more than it already has been! well can't help that one but it's just gonna get worse if I do nothing. I'll never find a place I like after living in this house! but it's only for a few months.
I resisted and resisted and resisted but now that I've made the decision, I'm excited! but I do still worry about the dogs. He does sometimes pass out and sleep through their mealtimes, and what if the old dog gets sick? he won't notice nearly as quickly as I would. And he doesn't hear them when they go out and bark at the neighbors and have to be yelled at to stop. I have to remind myself - they're dogs, not kids. They'll be ok. And I don't really care that much about the neighbors anyway, their dog barks more than ours do.
I plan on coming back in the summer and not deciding til then if I want to stay or to get rid of him or to move on.
But I'm househunting. He won't leave, I've tried to get him out, but he won't go. My life's been disrupted enough and I don't want it to be disrupted anymore but he won't leave. I tried to explain that to one of his counsellors and he told me not to give AH that much power, don't leave it up to him to leave or stay. If he won't leave then I have to.
I had so many excuses for not leaving. My garden! but it's frozen solid right now and won't need any kind of regular attention til May or June. My dogs! but they adore him and he'll take care of them just fine. The livestock! they were his idea to start with, let him take the responsibility. I have no income! well guess what neither does he and I at least have sympathetic family to fall back on, his is sick of him. It'll be lonely without him! it's even more lonely with him, and I can move to be closer to friends. I don't want to disrupt my life any more than it already has been! well can't help that one but it's just gonna get worse if I do nothing. I'll never find a place I like after living in this house! but it's only for a few months.
I resisted and resisted and resisted but now that I've made the decision, I'm excited! but I do still worry about the dogs. He does sometimes pass out and sleep through their mealtimes, and what if the old dog gets sick? he won't notice nearly as quickly as I would. And he doesn't hear them when they go out and bark at the neighbors and have to be yelled at to stop. I have to remind myself - they're dogs, not kids. They'll be ok. And I don't really care that much about the neighbors anyway, their dog barks more than ours do.
I plan on coming back in the summer and not deciding til then if I want to stay or to get rid of him or to move on.
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
Have you talked with an attorney? You may want to have a consultation before you leave. If the property belongs to both of you. I would at least get a professionals opinion.
Sounds like you are doing great! Making plans, making changes, helping yourself!
Hip hip hooray for you!
Good luck.
Sounds like you are doing great! Making plans, making changes, helping yourself!
Hip hip hooray for you!
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
mushroom, your post scares me. In many ways. And while I do not mean to rain on your parade or downplay your decision, I'd like to point out a few things that alarm me. I hope you don't mind.
If you both own the home or your name is on the lease if you rent, then I'd recommend you see an attorney for legal advice. I'd hate to see you be held responsible for things there if you aren't going to be there. Another thing is that your leaving may include "abondonment" issues and may release you of any ownership of the property if your name is on it. I'm not sure about your state but hope you have looked into this sort of thing to safeguard yourself. When you said that neither of you have any money (or jobs, I assume), I have to wonder about how that is going to get paid for and if that would, in essence, effect you!
Just some things you may want to think about.
On another note to this....I'd like to tell you something that happened to my ex-SIL. She kicked my brother (an alcoholic) out of the house. However, when she'd cooled down a bit and decided to have him come home - he realized that he wasn't happy in the marriage, etc. and he didn't go back! Believe me, she was hurt and very very angry! They are now divorced. (She is still bitter)
My point is that you have no control of the actions of another person. You claim that you will return in the summer and then decide "if I want to stay or to get rid of him or to move on." You may not get to make that choice - he may make his before that time comes.
Just be careful.
I know you are wanting some time to sort your head out and make a clear and rational decision, I just fear that this plan may backfire on you.
And while I don't know your family - how will they feel if you decide to go back in the summer? Will they still support your decision? I'd hate for you to feel stuck in the middle at a time when you will need all the support you can get if you do go back to him.
Please don't think I'm being cruel. That is not my intent whatsoever! I just really worry, that's all.
If you both own the home or your name is on the lease if you rent, then I'd recommend you see an attorney for legal advice. I'd hate to see you be held responsible for things there if you aren't going to be there. Another thing is that your leaving may include "abondonment" issues and may release you of any ownership of the property if your name is on it. I'm not sure about your state but hope you have looked into this sort of thing to safeguard yourself. When you said that neither of you have any money (or jobs, I assume), I have to wonder about how that is going to get paid for and if that would, in essence, effect you!
Just some things you may want to think about.
On another note to this....I'd like to tell you something that happened to my ex-SIL. She kicked my brother (an alcoholic) out of the house. However, when she'd cooled down a bit and decided to have him come home - he realized that he wasn't happy in the marriage, etc. and he didn't go back! Believe me, she was hurt and very very angry! They are now divorced. (She is still bitter)
My point is that you have no control of the actions of another person. You claim that you will return in the summer and then decide "if I want to stay or to get rid of him or to move on." You may not get to make that choice - he may make his before that time comes.
Just be careful.
I know you are wanting some time to sort your head out and make a clear and rational decision, I just fear that this plan may backfire on you.
And while I don't know your family - how will they feel if you decide to go back in the summer? Will they still support your decision? I'd hate for you to feel stuck in the middle at a time when you will need all the support you can get if you do go back to him.
Please don't think I'm being cruel. That is not my intent whatsoever! I just really worry, that's all.
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
You know--everyone has made some good points here and I'm sure you have put a lot of thought into this. It sounds like moving on is the thing to do but you should consult
an attorney. Most of them will give a free 30min consultation. I think you will feel more
solid about your decission if you know what kind of legal ground you stand on. As far
as making a choice to take care of yourself I applaud you. Good for you. Smiles--Dee
an attorney. Most of them will give a free 30min consultation. I think you will feel more
solid about your decission if you know what kind of legal ground you stand on. As far
as making a choice to take care of yourself I applaud you. Good for you. Smiles--Dee
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I agree with Bob that you've hit your bottom and it's time to move on. But as a volunteer for an animal rescue I just wanted to say that perhaps you could convince your A to let you place his dogs with an animal rescue (not the county shelter as they euthanize) in your area before you leave. After all, they can't fend for themselves and it's animal neglect to fail to feed them. Oh yes, one more thing, take that old dog with you!
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
I left a cat behind, with my A ex h once, cause I couldn't take him because I was living with relatives and they already had alot of animals. But when I went back to live with x, a few months later, I found out that he would sometimes let the cat for a few days. And he was not always stopping by to fed him or care for him. It made me mad and haven't ever done that again... the cat went with me when we separated for good.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: WA Rainforest
Posts: 209
If he decides he doesn't want me back it will be a HUGE relief, believe me. I'm already pretty sure I don't want to keep him but I'm trying to put off that decision. And always in the back of my mind is the idea that maybe I'm the reason he drinks. If he comes to see that, all the better for him, it's a path to recovery. I would not wish a life of drunkenness on him just to avoid splitting up. How childish that would be!
The dogs will be fine. 2 mine, one his. I'm glad so many people care about them. I can check on them on weekends and my inlaws will check up on the house and inhabitants during the week. They will NOT be going to strangers, over my dead body!!!!! I just have to first get to a place where I can give them a good home again. I've had that old dog since she was 7 1/2 weeks old and now she's 12 and no way I'm abandoning her now. But no point asking landlords to take a pair of pit bulls. AH will take care of them. They adore him and he loves them as his own children. Worse comes to worse they go to friends houses.
There are no legal issues to worry about. Just some utility bills to change names on.
Worry worry worry worry worry. I see now why some women never do leave their AH. You have to push past the fear and the worry and take some risks and some losses. I'ts a zen thing. I am perfectly comfortable risking losing him as he's already gone I'm sure. The dogs will only be separated from me temporarily. The house is not mine anyway. The garden? that hurts. But take a deep breath - and let it go. Life is change. Nothing is permanent. I can get another garden and plant new trees. It might even be better than this one.
The dogs will be fine. 2 mine, one his. I'm glad so many people care about them. I can check on them on weekends and my inlaws will check up on the house and inhabitants during the week. They will NOT be going to strangers, over my dead body!!!!! I just have to first get to a place where I can give them a good home again. I've had that old dog since she was 7 1/2 weeks old and now she's 12 and no way I'm abandoning her now. But no point asking landlords to take a pair of pit bulls. AH will take care of them. They adore him and he loves them as his own children. Worse comes to worse they go to friends houses.
There are no legal issues to worry about. Just some utility bills to change names on.
Worry worry worry worry worry. I see now why some women never do leave their AH. You have to push past the fear and the worry and take some risks and some losses. I'ts a zen thing. I am perfectly comfortable risking losing him as he's already gone I'm sure. The dogs will only be separated from me temporarily. The house is not mine anyway. The garden? that hurts. But take a deep breath - and let it go. Life is change. Nothing is permanent. I can get another garden and plant new trees. It might even be better than this one.
Radar
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 199
Hi Mushroom. I've thought about leaving a lot in the past year but I also don't want to leave my dogs. I have a strong bond with the older male and I'm afraid he'll get depressed if I leave. He's getting to be an old guy... I also don't want to leave my flower garden or the landscaping that I did, etc.... sigh....
My AH is going to counseling and isn't drinking so I'm hopeful but not holding my breath that things will get better.
You should be proud that you've come this far. I don't always agree with divorce but if only one person in a relationship is trying, why stay?
My AH is going to counseling and isn't drinking so I'm hopeful but not holding my breath that things will get better.
You should be proud that you've come this far. I don't always agree with divorce but if only one person in a relationship is trying, why stay?
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