kj1221

My daughter, 24, is a alcoholic and she was in jail for taking a check from someone and cashing it. We decided to let her come home so we could help her- her getting a job, buying a car, etc.., but she left the house after one night-couldn't take it I guess.

The job she was at will take her back, but it is a long way away-around 15 miles. I thought she was doing ok, but now I discovered she does not have a permanent residence. She says she is working (waitressing) on Christmas, so she wanted to come over tomorrow (Xmas eve), but none of the family, (babies) will be with us until Christmas and then we are sick of trying to help her and then she doesn't care. I feel terrible-especially Christmas-We can not have her here-she would take our stuff and go into everything and drink anything she could.

Any thoughts? I am going to call the Motel
she called from yesterday morning and tell her Christmas fine but thats it.

Can anyone help on this one?? I feel so bad.

wraybear

I am so sorry you feel so bad.

I had a therapist remind me regarding my "unruly" 16 year old that I had done everything I could do to help this child and that it didn't mean I wasn't a good mother. She had been in counseling since 2nd grade, we even had a counselor that came to our house for a year when she was 15 to be "in her environment." She was going to do what she wanted regardless of how much anyone tried to help her. She eventually went to foster care her last two years of high school. She moved back home after graduation in May. She is a different kid. I am sure a lot of it is just maturity. But, I think a lot of it is the separation and I "let go." It was THE hardest thing I have ever done in my life, letting my daughter go to foster care. But, God works in mysterious ways.

I will never ever forget what that therapist said to me. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. "You have done everything you can possibly do for her. Her behavior doesn't mean you aren't a good mother!"

I hope that helps a little.

best

It feels tough when we must say no.
Remember that when we say no or set boundaries and hold to them, we are helping them in ways they can't understand.
You are doing right to protect what is your's
Letting them pull you in to their problem doesn't help either of you.
My sons... you drink you don't use my car
... you drink and get in trouble, you pay for the lawyer.
... you want to drink in my house? No... your actions from the past I say NO.
My things are safe now. My wallet isn't getting smaller.
They will play and they will pay or they will learn and not need pay.
Their problem for them to deal with.

Do what you need do so your life remains what you would like it to be.
She will need find her answers so that her life can become what she wants it to be,

kj1221

Thanks for the encourgement. I still feel bad, especially in this weather. I will call tomorrow and just say Christmas is ok-or we could "visit" or reschedule around new years. What is wrong with the girl??

JT

kj,

I know all about that weather thing. The last two winter's my son has come home for a short time. The winter before that he was homeless...it's rough.

My son is 30 and your daughter is 24...they are living their lives the way they want to. But when they run up against a wall they call us for "help". There is nothing right about that and at some point saying "no" is the only sane thing we can do. Either that or I am going to be 80 (God willing) and rescuing my 60 year old "child". I don't think so...

((Hugs))
JT

Daffodil

kj

Sometimes I ask myself "If this person was other than my son/daughter would I be doing this for him?" I really have to keep "IT SIMPLE".

Hope that helps you think on it for a while.

sam

My sister went through this with her 23 year old daughter a year ago. She just got her chip for being in recovery for a year from AA.

But, she was living at home during her bouts drinking beer constantly or sleeping constantly. Also, she would become violent. They too were at their wit's end. They called my niece's sponsor from AA and asked what to do. Her answer was Tough Love. If she wanted to get beer, she would have to walk to get it. They took the battery out of her car, hid her keys and cleaned her room out totally. They no longer were going to enable or help her to be drunk.

Anyway, it was the best answer from the sponsor for my sister. And, I believe that is what you need to say to yourself. It's still love, but no more nice guy. Say to yourself or her, " I love you and I will not help you to destroy yourself or this family." "You want to drink, go outside, not in my house." I know it's hard, but again, think of it as trying to help save her life.

By the way, my husband is an alcoholic and that's why I'm here.

God bless.

Sam