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I’m scared, I feel so alone and I don’t know what to do to help my husband.
About a year and a half ago my husband was diagnosed with cirrhosis. Since that time he’s had brief stints of not drinking (the longest being 3 months after having neck surgery last year). But overall he is actively drinking again. Maybe not the quantity that he was, but he was told by his doctors he needed to never have another drop in his life.
Every time he drinks he justifies it - I only had half of one, I only had this much, I didn’t get drunk and pass out. For the first year after he was diagnosed I didn’t push things. I would ask him now and again if he’d thought about when he was going to stop and the answer was always next week. After his last visit in January when his doctor told him stop drinking or you’re going to die, I stopped asking. When I catch him, I call him out… and oh my gosh the LYING is absolutely killing me.
He HATES it when I call him out on his drinking. He doesn’t want to discuss it with me.
I ended up telling his brother what was going on bc I had hoped maybe he could reach him where I can’t since they are twins. But now he’s avoiding his brother.
Last weekend I left town for work and he drank every single night I was gone. He even bought alcohol the night before I left and I caught him. He just had bloodwork done and it came back ok so he rewarded himself with buying alcohol. No matter what I tell him his brain convinces him he can still drink. I even showed him research on cirrhosis and how your numbers can be fine but that doesn’t mean you’re ok. I asked him to pour it out - he told me no but then came to me later that night and told me he had researched it and decided to pour it out. But then he drank the next 4 days I was gone.
I try to get him to dig deeper into triggers, cravings and how to avoid them. He has a friend across the street who is a very heavy drinker and 9 times out of 10 when my husband picks up a drink it’s at his house.
it happened again today. He told me he was going over there (he hasn’t drank in 6 days). He told me he was not going to drink that he was good and he had this. I believed him. He drank “half” a drink he said when he came back. I called him out. And now a few hours later he’s back over there again.
We talked about triggers today and I told him again you’ve got to dig into that or you’re not going to get better. I told him that I believe his friends house is a big trigger for him since when he slips it’s almost always over there. He told me no that his friends house is not a trigger… that I am a trigger when I come after him about his drinking (which is crap).
I just don’t know what to do. I know he’s gotta make this decision himself but is there anything I can do?
Should I talk to his friend across the street to tell them my husband can’t drink?
I feel like I’m all over the place right now trying to sort this all out in my head. The amount of hurt I feel is overwhelming sometimes. My husband is the sweetest kindest funniest person I know. We’ve been together for 5 years and until the alcohol came out as an issue with his doctors we never even fought… but now he’s just a completely different person when we have to talk about it. It’s like being married to 2 different people and I just miss the loving person I married. I just want him to be ok and he’s not.
About a year and a half ago my husband was diagnosed with cirrhosis. Since that time he’s had brief stints of not drinking (the longest being 3 months after having neck surgery last year). But overall he is actively drinking again. Maybe not the quantity that he was, but he was told by his doctors he needed to never have another drop in his life.
Every time he drinks he justifies it - I only had half of one, I only had this much, I didn’t get drunk and pass out. For the first year after he was diagnosed I didn’t push things. I would ask him now and again if he’d thought about when he was going to stop and the answer was always next week. After his last visit in January when his doctor told him stop drinking or you’re going to die, I stopped asking. When I catch him, I call him out… and oh my gosh the LYING is absolutely killing me.
He HATES it when I call him out on his drinking. He doesn’t want to discuss it with me.
I ended up telling his brother what was going on bc I had hoped maybe he could reach him where I can’t since they are twins. But now he’s avoiding his brother.
Last weekend I left town for work and he drank every single night I was gone. He even bought alcohol the night before I left and I caught him. He just had bloodwork done and it came back ok so he rewarded himself with buying alcohol. No matter what I tell him his brain convinces him he can still drink. I even showed him research on cirrhosis and how your numbers can be fine but that doesn’t mean you’re ok. I asked him to pour it out - he told me no but then came to me later that night and told me he had researched it and decided to pour it out. But then he drank the next 4 days I was gone.
I try to get him to dig deeper into triggers, cravings and how to avoid them. He has a friend across the street who is a very heavy drinker and 9 times out of 10 when my husband picks up a drink it’s at his house.
it happened again today. He told me he was going over there (he hasn’t drank in 6 days). He told me he was not going to drink that he was good and he had this. I believed him. He drank “half” a drink he said when he came back. I called him out. And now a few hours later he’s back over there again.
We talked about triggers today and I told him again you’ve got to dig into that or you’re not going to get better. I told him that I believe his friends house is a big trigger for him since when he slips it’s almost always over there. He told me no that his friends house is not a trigger… that I am a trigger when I come after him about his drinking (which is crap).
I just don’t know what to do. I know he’s gotta make this decision himself but is there anything I can do?
Should I talk to his friend across the street to tell them my husband can’t drink?
I feel like I’m all over the place right now trying to sort this all out in my head. The amount of hurt I feel is overwhelming sometimes. My husband is the sweetest kindest funniest person I know. We’ve been together for 5 years and until the alcohol came out as an issue with his doctors we never even fought… but now he’s just a completely different person when we have to talk about it. It’s like being married to 2 different people and I just miss the loving person I married. I just want him to be ok and he’s not.
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Welcome to SR, Kristin; I am very sorry for what you brings you here.
I am an alcoholic in recovery; many here will tell you that, until an alcoholic truly wants to quit and recover, that you cannot do anything to change the situation; the alcoholic must want sobriety with all of his being.
The Friends and Family forum here at SR has some very great and wise contributors who I am sure will be along soon to share their wisdom.
In the meantime, please take care of yourself; Alanon meetings could be a good source of support for you, They will surely tell you there that you didn’t cause the alcoholism; you can’t cure it; and you can’t control it. The solution and work must come from the alcoholic.
I am an alcoholic in recovery; many here will tell you that, until an alcoholic truly wants to quit and recover, that you cannot do anything to change the situation; the alcoholic must want sobriety with all of his being.
The Friends and Family forum here at SR has some very great and wise contributors who I am sure will be along soon to share their wisdom.
In the meantime, please take care of yourself; Alanon meetings could be a good source of support for you, They will surely tell you there that you didn’t cause the alcoholism; you can’t cure it; and you can’t control it. The solution and work must come from the alcoholic.
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Hi Kristin, glad you found the forum. Sorry you are being so hurt by all of this.
You married an alcoholic, or at the very least a heavy drinker who is now addicted at least probably mentally, if not physically, yet.
The bottom line is, you can't have a real relationship with an alcoholic because he is already in one, with alcohol. That's his first love, above all else (including you and everyone else, including himself probably). Alcoholism is progressive. So while you may have married a heavy drinker or an alcoholic, his alcoholism has progressed, he is drinking more and will continue to do so probably, if he doesn't stop it.
What can you do? Not much at all, unless he asks for your help, that might entail driving him to an AA meeting. You can't make him want to stop drinking and you can't try to take on the burden of stopping for him (not that it sounds like he wants to stop anyway).
The other guys house isn't a trigger either. Your Husband wants to drink so he goes over there and drinks.
I recommend you find out as much about alcoholism as you can (for you, not for him). You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
Quitting drinking is an inside job. He is protecting his addiction. There is huge denial in addiction. You have attacked his first love now, so you are sitting in the "enemy camp". There is no point in continuing to tell him to stop or ask him to stop.
The only person you control is you, accepting he's not stopping his drinking, what do you want to do?
You married an alcoholic, or at the very least a heavy drinker who is now addicted at least probably mentally, if not physically, yet.
The bottom line is, you can't have a real relationship with an alcoholic because he is already in one, with alcohol. That's his first love, above all else (including you and everyone else, including himself probably). Alcoholism is progressive. So while you may have married a heavy drinker or an alcoholic, his alcoholism has progressed, he is drinking more and will continue to do so probably, if he doesn't stop it.
What can you do? Not much at all, unless he asks for your help, that might entail driving him to an AA meeting. You can't make him want to stop drinking and you can't try to take on the burden of stopping for him (not that it sounds like he wants to stop anyway).
He told me no that his friends house is not a trigger… that I am a trigger when I come after him about his drinking (which is crap).
I recommend you find out as much about alcoholism as you can (for you, not for him). You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
Quitting drinking is an inside job. He is protecting his addiction. There is huge denial in addiction. You have attacked his first love now, so you are sitting in the "enemy camp". There is no point in continuing to tell him to stop or ask him to stop.
The only person you control is you, accepting he's not stopping his drinking, what do you want to do?
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Originally Posted by trailmix 
The other guys house isn't a trigger either. Your Husband wants to drink so he goes over there
Quitting drinking is an inside job. He is protecting his addiction. There is huge denial in addiction. You have attacked his first love now, so you are sitting in the "enemy camp". There is no point in continuing to tell him to stop or ask him to stop.
It is so interesting that you said I am sitting in the “enemy camp” - I’ve said that so many times that I have become the enemy in this for trying to save him and calling him out on his drinking.
When you say there is no point in continuing to tell him to stop or ask him to stop… I think that’s definitely something I’m struggling with a lot. I know deep down that I can’t control this for him and he has to make the decision to do it - but the theory of knowing that and the application of actually doing it I’m not sure how to do yet. What goes through my mind is if I don’t push him to stop and if I don’t say something when I catch him drinking - am I enabling him? I feel like by not saying anything I’m brushing it under the rug and allowing it to happen.
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Originally Posted by SoberLeigh
In the meantime, please take care of yourself; Alanon meetings could be a good source of support for you, They will surely tell you there that you didn’t cause the alcoholism; you can’t cure it; and you can’t control it. The solution and work must come from the alcoholic.
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I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this…I’m glad you’re reaching out for support, and delving into learning about codependency - both will help you navigate this and protect yourself from being further pulled into his addiction and taking blame and responsibility for the fact that he continues to drink.
I wanted to comment on your concern that not pushing him to stop drinking feels like you’d be enabling his drinking. It sounds like he’s already attempting to make you believe you can cause him to drink ( saying it’s your speaking to him about his drinking that triggers him to drink- you aren’t to blame for his decision to drink, ever)
Enabling is more about protecting an alcoholic from the consequences of their drinking - detaching is quite different- the 3 cs are a good guideline to help detach- you didn’t cause him to drink, you can’t control his drinking, and you can’t cure him. Its natural to want to tell him he shouldn’t drink, especially with the stakes being as high as they are medically. However no amount of external pressure will make any difference - in fact he is already using the concerns you’re voicing as a rationale for his drinking-he will drink until he decides for himself that he wants to stop. Detaching ( as hard is that is to do) and taking care of yourself is not enabling- it’s putting the responsibility for the drinking back onto the alcoholic. I know this is easier said than done when you love someone, share a home with them, feel afraid for them, feel betrayed by their choices , and want the person to be who they are when they aren’t drinking/ who they were before they began drinking.
I hope getting support and digging into codependency literature helps ease some of the difficulty - the best thing you can do to not enable him is to detach and take care of you regardless of whatever choices he makes around his alcohol use. So sorry you’re in such a tough situation, take care of yourself.
I wanted to comment on your concern that not pushing him to stop drinking feels like you’d be enabling his drinking. It sounds like he’s already attempting to make you believe you can cause him to drink ( saying it’s your speaking to him about his drinking that triggers him to drink- you aren’t to blame for his decision to drink, ever)
Enabling is more about protecting an alcoholic from the consequences of their drinking - detaching is quite different- the 3 cs are a good guideline to help detach- you didn’t cause him to drink, you can’t control his drinking, and you can’t cure him. Its natural to want to tell him he shouldn’t drink, especially with the stakes being as high as they are medically. However no amount of external pressure will make any difference - in fact he is already using the concerns you’re voicing as a rationale for his drinking-he will drink until he decides for himself that he wants to stop. Detaching ( as hard is that is to do) and taking care of yourself is not enabling- it’s putting the responsibility for the drinking back onto the alcoholic. I know this is easier said than done when you love someone, share a home with them, feel afraid for them, feel betrayed by their choices , and want the person to be who they are when they aren’t drinking/ who they were before they began drinking.
I hope getting support and digging into codependency literature helps ease some of the difficulty - the best thing you can do to not enable him is to detach and take care of you regardless of whatever choices he makes around his alcohol use. So sorry you’re in such a tough situation, take care of yourself.
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Originally Posted by kristin0924
It is so interesting that you said I am sitting in the “enemy camp” - I’ve said that so many times that I have become the enemy in this for trying to save him and calling him out on his drinking.
When you say there is no point in continuing to tell him to stop or ask him to stop… I think that’s definitely something I’m struggling with a lot. I know deep down that I can’t control this for him and he has to make the decision to do it - but the theory of knowing that and the application of actually doing it I’m not sure how to do yet. What goes through my mind is if I don’t push him to stop and if I don’t say something when I catch him drinking - am I enabling him? I feel like by not saying anything I’m brushing it under the rug and allowing it to happen.
When you say there is no point in continuing to tell him to stop or ask him to stop… I think that’s definitely something I’m struggling with a lot. I know deep down that I can’t control this for him and he has to make the decision to do it - but the theory of knowing that and the application of actually doing it I’m not sure how to do yet. What goes through my mind is if I don’t push him to stop and if I don’t say something when I catch him drinking - am I enabling him? I feel like by not saying anything I’m brushing it under the rug and allowing it to happen.
So does it matter? I mean if you keep at him? You will drive yourself crazy with your lack of control, getting nowhere. So how do you stop? Well truthfully you are going to have to distance yourself emotionally from it and from him. As long as you stay "all in", you will keep fighting this battle you can't win. Eventually, if you keep trying to fight that for him, the relationship will be destroyed anyway (not saying that is your fault, it just is).
Alcoholism is destructive for everyone it touches. By keeping on at him, not only are you giving yourself false hope, you are also making his life a misery. While perhaps no one in their right mind would think that drinking huge amounts of alcohol is a good idea, he is a grown man and he does get to make that decision, even if you or even society at large think it's a bad decision.
You have tried all of that, it's not working. I'm sure you've tried lots of different ways to get him to stop. The health issue, your relationship, his job, your social life etc. How did that go?
So it's not about relinquishing your care or love for him, it's about realizing you actually can't control another person. Only yourself.
So basically you get to decide what to do for yourself, not for him. Do you stay and accept his drinking (living your life on the perimeter of that) or leave?
Enabling is really doing something for someone that they can do themselves. Calling in with some excuse for work because he is hung over, tidying up his drunken mess from the night before, supporting him while he drinks.
Another thing to keep in mind is he isn't two people, he is one pretty nice guy who is also an alcoholic. You can't have one without the other.
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Originally Posted by makeitwrite
Enabling is more about protecting an alcoholic from the consequences of their drinking - detaching is quite different- the 3 cs are a good guideline to help detach- you didn’t cause him to drink, you can’t control his drinking, and you can’t cure him. Its natural to want to tell him he shouldn’t drink, especially with the stakes being as high as they are medically. However no amount of external pressure will make any difference
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Really it's about acceptance. Your husband is going to drink. You can lecture and beg and nag and cajole, it won't matter. You end up looking like the enemy (to him/his addiction) and he continues to drink.
So does it matter? I mean if you keep at him? You will drive yourself crazy with your lack of control, getting nowhere. So how do you stop? Well truthfully you are going to have to distance yourself emotionally from it and from him. As long as you stay "all in", you will keep fighting this battle you can't win. Eventually, if you keep trying to fight that for him, the relationship will be destroyed anyway (not saying that is your fault, it just is).
Alcoholism is destructive for everyone it touches. By keeping on at him, not only are you giving yourself false hope, you are also making his life a misery. While perhaps no one in their right mind would think that drinking huge amounts of alcohol is a good idea, he is a grown man and he does get to make that decision, even if you or even society at large think it's a bad decision.
You have tried all of that, it's not working. I'm sure you've tried lots of different ways to get him to stop. The health issue, your relationship, his job, your social life etc. How did that go?
So it's not about relinquishing your care or love for him, it's about realizing you actually can't control another person. Only yourself.
So basically you get to decide what to do for yourself, not for him. Do you stay and accept his drinking (living your life on the perimeter of that) or leave?
Enabling is really doing something for someone that they can do themselves. Calling in with some excuse for work because he is hung over, tidying up his drunken mess from the night before, supporting him while he drinks.
Another thing to keep in mind is he isn't two people, he is one pretty nice guy who is also an alcoholic. You can't have one without the other.
So does it matter? I mean if you keep at him? You will drive yourself crazy with your lack of control, getting nowhere. So how do you stop? Well truthfully you are going to have to distance yourself emotionally from it and from him. As long as you stay "all in", you will keep fighting this battle you can't win. Eventually, if you keep trying to fight that for him, the relationship will be destroyed anyway (not saying that is your fault, it just is).
Alcoholism is destructive for everyone it touches. By keeping on at him, not only are you giving yourself false hope, you are also making his life a misery. While perhaps no one in their right mind would think that drinking huge amounts of alcohol is a good idea, he is a grown man and he does get to make that decision, even if you or even society at large think it's a bad decision.
You have tried all of that, it's not working. I'm sure you've tried lots of different ways to get him to stop. The health issue, your relationship, his job, your social life etc. How did that go?
So it's not about relinquishing your care or love for him, it's about realizing you actually can't control another person. Only yourself.
So basically you get to decide what to do for yourself, not for him. Do you stay and accept his drinking (living your life on the perimeter of that) or leave?
Enabling is really doing something for someone that they can do themselves. Calling in with some excuse for work because he is hung over, tidying up his drunken mess from the night before, supporting him while he drinks.
Another thing to keep in mind is he isn't two people, he is one pretty nice guy who is also an alcoholic. You can't have one without the other.
Does detachment mean I should stop all confrontations when I know he’s drinking? I am assuming this answer is yes but I want to make sure I am understanding as this concept goes against everything inside me lol.
I am learning a lot about codependency and I am 100% in that category…
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Hello Kristin,
I, too, was married to an alcoholic. He was a high functioning alcoholic (had not lost a job, gotten a DUI, etc. yet) and I think there is not much that will crack open an alcoholic's denial other than actual terrible events while drinking which shock and terrify him. It takes a lot. I don't think talking to an alcoholic about his problem as you (we) see it gets anybody anywhere.
In the book (my favorite) by Toby Rice Drews, "Getting Them Sober," she says they hear what we do, not what we say.
I talked and talked and talked to my alcoholic husband. Two major things prevented anything I said getting through to him: the brain defenses that addiction itself creates, and the blackouts. He did not remember what he'd said, what he'd done, when drunk. And wives, they almost always clean up the messes alcoholics make. I did. I cleaned up the kitchen he'd trashed while he was sleeping off the drunk. I took the car to the car wash while he slept off a drunk because he'd gotten it stuck while intoxicated and spun the wheels so relentlessly that the entire car was caked with thick brown mud. I humiliated myself driving that car to the car wash. What I should have done was left it for him to deal with. Left the trashed kitchen for him to deal with. But I was completely in the dark about what to do with a drunk except clean up his crap and have long heart to hearts.
We made a deal: the whiskey would be kept in a locked cabinet, I would hold the key, and after dinner, I'd pour him one drink. That way, was the thinking, he could not get drunk. I tell you, wives lose their minds.
So maybe take a look at that book, and go to a few Al-Anon meetings and pick up the free pamphlets there (especially "A Merry Go Round called Alcoholism") and post here when you need feedback and support.
If you help him, you enable him. That is the key.
I, too, was married to an alcoholic. He was a high functioning alcoholic (had not lost a job, gotten a DUI, etc. yet) and I think there is not much that will crack open an alcoholic's denial other than actual terrible events while drinking which shock and terrify him. It takes a lot. I don't think talking to an alcoholic about his problem as you (we) see it gets anybody anywhere.
In the book (my favorite) by Toby Rice Drews, "Getting Them Sober," she says they hear what we do, not what we say.
I talked and talked and talked to my alcoholic husband. Two major things prevented anything I said getting through to him: the brain defenses that addiction itself creates, and the blackouts. He did not remember what he'd said, what he'd done, when drunk. And wives, they almost always clean up the messes alcoholics make. I did. I cleaned up the kitchen he'd trashed while he was sleeping off the drunk. I took the car to the car wash while he slept off a drunk because he'd gotten it stuck while intoxicated and spun the wheels so relentlessly that the entire car was caked with thick brown mud. I humiliated myself driving that car to the car wash. What I should have done was left it for him to deal with. Left the trashed kitchen for him to deal with. But I was completely in the dark about what to do with a drunk except clean up his crap and have long heart to hearts.
We made a deal: the whiskey would be kept in a locked cabinet, I would hold the key, and after dinner, I'd pour him one drink. That way, was the thinking, he could not get drunk. I tell you, wives lose their minds.
So maybe take a look at that book, and go to a few Al-Anon meetings and pick up the free pamphlets there (especially "A Merry Go Round called Alcoholism") and post here when you need feedback and support.
If you help him, you enable him. That is the key.
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Originally Posted by LucyIntheGarden
And wives, they almost always clean up the messes alcoholics make. I did.
If you help him, you enable him. That is the key.
If you help him, you enable him. That is the key.
Im backing off of that though - I don’t want to enable him and I had no idea for a long time that’s what I was doing.
His brother knows what’s going on now - and his brother told their mom when she asked him the other day. And oh was my husband mad when he found out. I’ve never seen my husband truly angry until that moment.
No more lying for him though. I have to let him lie in the mess he is making. That’s so much easier said than done though… especially with his cirrhosis diagnosis - I’ve felt this urgent need to push him to try and save him. But I can’t.
He just came back from his friends house across the street… made himself something to eat and then randomly went out on the front porch. I looked up and he was walking back in with a cup of alcohol he stashed on the porch on his way back over… knowing he’s drinking today I know he won’t get up in the morning on his own at a decent hour (we both work from home)… but I’m already mentally preparing myself to not step in tomorrow morning.
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Originally Posted by kristin0924
Does detachment mean I should stop all confrontations when I know he’s drinking? I am assuming this answer is yes but I want to make sure I am understanding as this concept goes against everything inside me lol.
You love him, he loves his drug, you don't get to be his main priority (or his children or other family or work or anything else).
You can try to just mask your concern about his drinking, bite your tongue instead of saying something, pretend to be someone you are not but that might just make you crazy too! What kind of relationship is that? Not enabling is good, for both of you, but it probably won't change his drinking behaviour much. You will no doubt get anger from him though, so prepare yourself.
The thing is, you have a question, but it only has 2 answers and neither of them are what you actually want, to somehow fix him or convince him to want to stop drinking.
The choices are accepting him just the way he is (drinking and all), or leaving.
Or you can carry on as you are, but really getting nowhere and over time, destroying what is left of your relationship. It's a distinct possibility if things stay the way they are that he will leave eventually anyway.
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Actually, a way to look at alcoholism that you can maybe relate to, is in something you said:
What you are asking him to do goes against everything inside him.
Does detachment mean I should stop all confrontations when I know he’s drinking? I am assuming this answer is yes but I want to make sure I am understanding as this concept goes against everything inside me lol.
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