Accountability in flux
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Join Date: May 2024
Posts: 2
Accountability in flux
Just venting here as I process my feelings, hoping that others will also not feel so alone in theirs. This is so tough on family members after all. So my alcoholic husband is currently associating my holding him accountable for his actions as me attacking him. It doesn’t matter how measured the words are, because he hears the content itself as an attack. I have learned to advocate for my feelings through working with an addiction group and now with an addiction coach. My husband had been learning to tolerate my measured approach in expressing my feelings, not hanging onto them and moving ahead…and we were doing well. He is currently in and out of relapses, has done several rehabs and is also feeling diminished at 70 years of age. This latest emotional ****storm is quite a ride. I am sad. This could have been a nice weekend for us, but now I’m pivoting again to do things to give him space to be a victim and lick his wounds. Leaving is not an option as there is still good in our lives,but expressing my feelings here is an option, so thank you. It’s just so lonely…again. Wishing everyone peace, compassion and healing. This is tough and I am not alone and you are not alone. Together we are stronger.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,805
Hi Besseres, glad you found the forum.
It's an interesting approach. I'm not sure how much you can rely on an active alcoholic to react the way you might expect though, as I'm sure you know.
When you say advocate for your feelings, do you just mean in general or about his drinking?
It's an interesting approach. I'm not sure how much you can rely on an active alcoholic to react the way you might expect though, as I'm sure you know.
When you say advocate for your feelings, do you just mean in general or about his drinking?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2023
Posts: 181
Hello Besseres,
It is difficult enough to work out the problems in a marriage when neither partner has addiction, or depression, or any number of emotional and psychological challenges.
Are both you and your husband in a 12-Step recovery program?
I do not know what an "addiction group" is nor an addiction coach.
I think, for myself, I would need to keep my expectations of honest and healthy communication very low if my partner had less than two years continuous sobriety and was not involved in one-on-one inner work with a sponsor and a counselor. I do not know your husband's history, of course. But I was married to a man with alcoholism and he simply was not capable of rational and reflective thought. ( And he had a Ph.D. in literature! )
I might also add that I also was not capable of right thinking when I was with him. I had to pursue my own long recovery after we divorced.
For all active drinkers, or for many who are struggling to remain sober, there is the condition of depression. This is often so for their wives, as well, but the alcoholic depression is darker, deeper, and more tenacious, I think. And my feeling is that it is not realistic to ask a person suffering from depression to work on a relationship. Not until he or she is well.
Al-Anon offers many wise suggestions for spouses who make the choice to stay with their alcoholic partners. If you cannot attend a meeting, the book "How Al-Anon Works" can be ordered online. Alcoholism and codependency both create a profound spiritual illness. It is this part of recovery that 12-Step programs address.
And there are many good articles in the "Sticky" sections at the top of the Friends and Family forum here.
I hope you will keep reading here and posting when you need to. It does help when one is alone and in need of a strong dose of realistic thinking. Our storm of emotions can keep us in a thick soup.
It is difficult enough to work out the problems in a marriage when neither partner has addiction, or depression, or any number of emotional and psychological challenges.
Are both you and your husband in a 12-Step recovery program?
I do not know what an "addiction group" is nor an addiction coach.
I think, for myself, I would need to keep my expectations of honest and healthy communication very low if my partner had less than two years continuous sobriety and was not involved in one-on-one inner work with a sponsor and a counselor. I do not know your husband's history, of course. But I was married to a man with alcoholism and he simply was not capable of rational and reflective thought. ( And he had a Ph.D. in literature! )
I might also add that I also was not capable of right thinking when I was with him. I had to pursue my own long recovery after we divorced.
For all active drinkers, or for many who are struggling to remain sober, there is the condition of depression. This is often so for their wives, as well, but the alcoholic depression is darker, deeper, and more tenacious, I think. And my feeling is that it is not realistic to ask a person suffering from depression to work on a relationship. Not until he or she is well.
Al-Anon offers many wise suggestions for spouses who make the choice to stay with their alcoholic partners. If you cannot attend a meeting, the book "How Al-Anon Works" can be ordered online. Alcoholism and codependency both create a profound spiritual illness. It is this part of recovery that 12-Step programs address.
And there are many good articles in the "Sticky" sections at the top of the Friends and Family forum here.
I hope you will keep reading here and posting when you need to. It does help when one is alone and in need of a strong dose of realistic thinking. Our storm of emotions can keep us in a thick soup.
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