Alcoholic family member off the wagon & the whole family is enabling hiim
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Alcoholic family member off the wagon & the whole family is enabling hiim
Hi, my family member went to alcohol rehab after getting an ultimatum from his wife, and he left rehab prematurely and against the advice of the facility. He went to weekly virtual AA meetings for a few months after that and managed to maintain sobriety. Now he's fallen completely off the wagon and is drinking more than ever. And it seems his entire family is not only okay with that, but encouraging it by drinking while they're with him. What complicates this is the fact that me and several others are not supposed to know about the rehab or the alcoholism, as he and his wife never shared that with us. A different family member broke his confidence and told us. But as I understand it, the best way to support an alcoholic in denial is to NOT drink around him, right? I'm appalled that his family - including the people who know about the rehab - are nonchalantly drinking around him and I'm tempted to say something to them. I know it's not my place to say anything to him (and it wouldn't do any good anyway). The only way I think we could get him back into rehab is a family intervention. But clearly no one else would join me for that; they're all in denial too, it seems. I'm really disgusted that they're enabling/encouraging him this way, but am I overreacting? I've seen some takes that it's ultimately the choice of the alcoholic to drink or not drink - that his loved ones should be able to do whatever they want, including drink. And conversely, I've seen other takes that if you know someone is an alcoholic, you don't drink around them, period - and doing so is the same as putting a drink in their hand. What's y'all's take on this? We have a family reunion approaching that I'm absolutely dreading because of this situation. Thanks for any feedback.
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Originally Posted by Alexis2024 
Hi, my family member went to alcohol rehab after getting an ultimatum from his wife, and he left rehab prematurely and against the advice of the facility. He went to weekly virtual AA meetings for a few months after that and managed to maintain sobriety. Now he's fallen completely off the wagon and is drinking more than ever. And it seems his entire family is not only okay with that, but encouraging it by drinking while they're with him. What complicates this is the fact that me and several others are not supposed to know about the rehab or the alcoholism, as he and his wife never shared that with us. A different family member broke his confidence and told us. But as I understand it, the best way to support an alcoholic in denial is to NOT drink around him, right? I'm appalled that his family - including the people who know about the rehab - are nonchalantly drinking around him and I'm tempted to say something to them. I know it's not my place to say anything to him (and it wouldn't do any good anyway). The only way I think we could get him back into rehab is a family intervention. But clearly no one else would join me for that; they're all in denial too, it seems. I'm really disgusted that they're enabling/encouraging him this way, but am I overreacting? I've seen some takes that it's ultimately the choice of the alcoholic to drink or not drink - that his loved ones should be able to do whatever they want, including drink. And conversely, I've seen other takes that if you know someone is an alcoholic, you don't drink around them, period - and doing so is the same as putting a drink in their hand. What's y'all's take on this? We have a family reunion approaching that I'm absolutely dreading because of this situation. Thanks for any feedback.
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Join Date: Jul 2023
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Hello Alexis,
I don't have any direct personal experience with a situation like yours, but I think the landscape you describe is littered with landmines, and I would not say anything to anyone about enabling or what you think would be best to do regarding your alcoholic family member.
He's experienced a short visit to rehab, attended virtual AA meetings, so he has received some direction about getting sober. He's on his path. Helpers who can actually help him (other alcoholics) are on that path already and are available.
And your family is made up of so many different personalities, with different personal issues motivating their own thinking and behavior, that it seems to me that it would be futile to try to figure out why those who know about his addiction continue to drink in front of him. I expect each one would probably give a different answer. But that is none of your concern.
Your alcoholic family member will drink or not drink. I think most of us here would tell you that the best course of action is no action on your part. "Hands off the addict" is a phrase often repeated.
I hope he is able to achieve and maintain sobriety. He may need several running starts at it.
I think you can enjoy your family reunion, allowing everyone to be themselves.
And if you need some feedback about any of it, you are welcome to post as often as you need! There's a lot of experience here on SR.
I don't have any direct personal experience with a situation like yours, but I think the landscape you describe is littered with landmines, and I would not say anything to anyone about enabling or what you think would be best to do regarding your alcoholic family member.
He's experienced a short visit to rehab, attended virtual AA meetings, so he has received some direction about getting sober. He's on his path. Helpers who can actually help him (other alcoholics) are on that path already and are available.
And your family is made up of so many different personalities, with different personal issues motivating their own thinking and behavior, that it seems to me that it would be futile to try to figure out why those who know about his addiction continue to drink in front of him. I expect each one would probably give a different answer. But that is none of your concern.
Your alcoholic family member will drink or not drink. I think most of us here would tell you that the best course of action is no action on your part. "Hands off the addict" is a phrase often repeated.
I hope he is able to achieve and maintain sobriety. He may need several running starts at it.
I think you can enjoy your family reunion, allowing everyone to be themselves.
And if you need some feedback about any of it, you are welcome to post as often as you need! There's a lot of experience here on SR.
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Join Date: May 2024
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Thank you both! @dbyrer, the wife is unfortunately still in the circus and one of the enablers now, as absolutely bizarre as that is. And @LucyInTheGarden, I totally agree with the "hands off the addict" stance. I'll hold my tongue at the reunion. I just can't figure out what the enablers are thinking or why they would do something like this. And you're SO right about all the personal issues. I would make myself nuts trying to figure everyone out so I'll just stick to myself I guess!
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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Hi Alexis,
I’m a recovering alcoholic, married to an alcoholic, and my in-laws are also alcoholics - only one in-law found sobriety 19 years ago. It took me over a year of admiring my problem, rather than solving it. I had to quit on my timeline cause no one could force me to.
My family members are delusional! There is a great deal of concern surrounding one in-law and his drinking. He has tried to stop several times. When he does, the family pours drinks, passes them under his nose, and states “bet you wish you could have this! Hahaha”.
Yet they are the most vocal about his drinking problem and demand he moderate or stop….
The level of dissonance is astounding and illogical.
I experienced the same with the family. At the end of the day, it was my decision if I wanted to drink with them or not. I can’t place rules on any of them - they are going to do whatever they are going to do.
The only person I can control is me. If I don’t want to be around drinking, I leave. I decline attending drinking events. Or go and leave early. I enforce my own boundaries and protect my sobriety. And I detach with love as needed.
It’s an unfortunate situation you have found yourself in but you can’t control them or change them. It may be worth setting some boundaries for yourself and removing yourself from the situation.
I’m a recovering alcoholic, married to an alcoholic, and my in-laws are also alcoholics - only one in-law found sobriety 19 years ago. It took me over a year of admiring my problem, rather than solving it. I had to quit on my timeline cause no one could force me to.
My family members are delusional! There is a great deal of concern surrounding one in-law and his drinking. He has tried to stop several times. When he does, the family pours drinks, passes them under his nose, and states “bet you wish you could have this! Hahaha”.
Yet they are the most vocal about his drinking problem and demand he moderate or stop….
The level of dissonance is astounding and illogical.
I experienced the same with the family. At the end of the day, it was my decision if I wanted to drink with them or not. I can’t place rules on any of them - they are going to do whatever they are going to do.
The only person I can control is me. If I don’t want to be around drinking, I leave. I decline attending drinking events. Or go and leave early. I enforce my own boundaries and protect my sobriety. And I detach with love as needed.
It’s an unfortunate situation you have found yourself in but you can’t control them or change them. It may be worth setting some boundaries for yourself and removing yourself from the situation.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
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Over 20 years ago, Dr. Phil took on a family with a pregnant teen, her younger sister, and their parents in a troubled marriage. Dr Phil threw a ton of money at their problems - counseling, therapy, family vacations, more therapy, to little avail. Pregnant daughter got into drugs. She and younger sister became somewhat entitled, demanding ridiculous things in subsequent appearances.
Pregnant daughter eventually had four children by (I think) four different men, and at some point, her mother ended up taking custody of them and raising them. Plenty of intervention on this situation, but the end result was nil.
Pregnant daughter eventually had four children by (I think) four different men, and at some point, her mother ended up taking custody of them and raising them. Plenty of intervention on this situation, but the end result was nil.
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Location: Florida
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Hi Alexis, sorry you are feeling so much concern about this situation.
Honestly? This reads to me like you're getting upset about something that doesn't directly involve you and that you're not even supposed to know about. That might also mean there's a lot about what's transpired that you don't know. We have a saying in these groups - "more will be revealed".
It's ALWAYS up to the addict to manage their drinking - the only time I don't drink around an alcoholic is when they express that request directly, letting me know that they are struggling or triggered somehow... and then I'm more than happy to comply & support them. If it makes ME feel uncomfortable to drink around someone for any reason, I won't. Otherwise, it's not my job, or anyone else's, to walk on eggshells for other people.
Most truly recovering addicts I've known will tell you they don't expect other people to change their behaviors to accommodate their recovery- they have to learn to live in the real world or how to say no to the events & circumstances that threaten their sobriety.
Originally Posted by Alexis2024
What complicates this is the fact that me and several others are not supposed to know about the rehab or the alcoholism, as he and his wife never shared that with us. A different family member broke his confidence and told us.
I've seen some takes that it's ultimately the choice of the alcoholic to drink or not drink - that his loved ones should be able to do whatever they want, including drink. And conversely, I've seen other takes that if you know someone is an alcoholic, you don't drink around them, period - and doing so is the same as putting a drink in their hand. What's y'all's take on this? We have a family reunion approaching that I'm absolutely dreading because of this situation. Thanks for any feedback.
Most truly recovering addicts I've known will tell you they don't expect other people to change their behaviors to accommodate their recovery- they have to learn to live in the real world or how to say no to the events & circumstances that threaten their sobriety.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 331
Alexis,
When my spouse went into rehab, I stopped drinking completely for the next 7 years and still don't drink around her except on very rare occasions. Partly because I feel better for it! Mostly out of respect. I also started attending Al-Anon meetings regularly and continue to do so. I feel better for that too!
I learned tools there for dealing not only with the alcoholic in my life, but also with a lot of other "childhood trauma." Basically the same kinds of things that alcoholics need to deal with if they want to stay sober. I can share that when my wife got out of rehab she immediately started attending AA meetings (90 in 90 days) and participated in other outpatient therapy. More importantly, she guarded her sobriety religiously and that meant not hanging out with some of the people we'd been hanging out with up to that point in time. They were all drinkers.
It's tough when your whole family drinks, especially when they are an important part of your life. What to do? I think what rehab does is it breaks the cycle of addiction for a few weeks. It lets a person detox their body, eat a healthier diet, it gives them some basic tools for dealing with life and it takes off the beer-goggles for a time and allows the alcoholic to see their life clearly--maybe for the first time in a long time. It's not a magic bullet, and what the alcoholic does with that hard won sobriety is up to them. Your family members didn't cause the alcoholic to drink...but they didn't help either. You, clearly, didn't cause the alcoholic to drink, but you can't cure the alcoholic and you can't "cure" the behavior of the rest of your family either. Even though you care about all of them a lot.
Relapses are part of the disease and are common. Not everyone survives this disease.
It sounds like you're "troubled by someones drinking." If you google that phrase, you'll be linked to a short survey that lists some of the things that family members, friends and coworkers of alcoholics regularly experience.
Check it out. You may find that you can relate.
When my spouse went into rehab, I stopped drinking completely for the next 7 years and still don't drink around her except on very rare occasions. Partly because I feel better for it! Mostly out of respect. I also started attending Al-Anon meetings regularly and continue to do so. I feel better for that too!
I learned tools there for dealing not only with the alcoholic in my life, but also with a lot of other "childhood trauma." Basically the same kinds of things that alcoholics need to deal with if they want to stay sober. I can share that when my wife got out of rehab she immediately started attending AA meetings (90 in 90 days) and participated in other outpatient therapy. More importantly, she guarded her sobriety religiously and that meant not hanging out with some of the people we'd been hanging out with up to that point in time. They were all drinkers.
It's tough when your whole family drinks, especially when they are an important part of your life. What to do? I think what rehab does is it breaks the cycle of addiction for a few weeks. It lets a person detox their body, eat a healthier diet, it gives them some basic tools for dealing with life and it takes off the beer-goggles for a time and allows the alcoholic to see their life clearly--maybe for the first time in a long time. It's not a magic bullet, and what the alcoholic does with that hard won sobriety is up to them. Your family members didn't cause the alcoholic to drink...but they didn't help either. You, clearly, didn't cause the alcoholic to drink, but you can't cure the alcoholic and you can't "cure" the behavior of the rest of your family either. Even though you care about all of them a lot.
Relapses are part of the disease and are common. Not everyone survives this disease.
It sounds like you're "troubled by someones drinking." If you google that phrase, you'll be linked to a short survey that lists some of the things that family members, friends and coworkers of alcoholics regularly experience.
Check it out. You may find that you can relate.
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