When is enough enough?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2024
Posts: 2
When is enough enough?
Hi all... newbie here! Married for almost 4 years. Husband is a nice guy, but has serious OCD , depression & anxiety. He's not a mean drunk, usually happy.. but sometimes goes down a dark, depressive "rabbit hole". Wine is his kryptonite..he works shift work and drinks every day that he is off and sometimes when he has to work the next day...2 bottles in and he is sloppy.. falls asleep wherever he is sitting... comes to bed around 3-4am on those nights. He has constantly told me that he is going to cut down to 1x/week but never does. We have no personal life, no sex life, no social life.. he sits at the kitchen bar and drinks and looks at his phone. He would rather stay home so he can drink than go out and do anything. I have told him that it is affecting our relationship, but he can't seem to stop. There have been several times that I have caught him in a lie about how much he has drank (hidden empty bottles, etc). He is drinking 2 of 750 ml bottles of wine, 2 of the big tall cans of beer and has recently started adding & hiding several mini bottles of fireball each night. He says he is going ro get his crap together, that he can't see living his life without me, but I really am at the point of giving up.. I just can't see living the rest of my life like this. Any advice or words of wisdom?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 13,035
So sorry you are dealing with this, he has to decided to stop on his own and just know you did not cause this. For me to stop I had to hit rock bottom. Mr A did all he could to get me to stop and it wasn't until I lost everything did I stop. I too have depression and anxiety and found myself down that dark hole way too many times and each time it was worse. I wish I had words of wisdom, just try to live your life and do what you enjoy. My husband was doing that, pretty much left me on my own. We are in a far better place in life and our marriage now.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,800
hi, glad you found the forum exhausted.
I'm sure you are exhausted! Living with and working around an alcoholic is exhausting. I'm sure sometimes it seems like you are just functioning around the person sitting at the kitchen bar - because you are.
You can't really have a "normal" relationship with an addict, because they aren't really "there" (as you know).
I'm not sure how much you know about alcoholism, but it is progressive, how he is drinking now is not how it will be a year from now, unless he is at capacity! I'm sure he didn't start out drinking this much.
He promised to quit, he doesn't. Unfortunately that's alcoholism 101. While he might have some intention, maybe even wishes he could quit, he isn't.
So what to do? Well you could leave, there is no reason for you to have a front row seat, unless you feel you really can't leave. Leaving doesn't mean you are giving up on him or the relationship (unless you want that to be so), it just means you aren't going to live in this semi-relationship. If he ever gets sober, you can revisit that (if you even want to at that point).
Barring that, it really means detaching from him emotionally, because this is hurting you. Hurting your self esteem, your life in general and isolating you probably.
What would you like to do?:
I'm sure you are exhausted! Living with and working around an alcoholic is exhausting. I'm sure sometimes it seems like you are just functioning around the person sitting at the kitchen bar - because you are.
You can't really have a "normal" relationship with an addict, because they aren't really "there" (as you know).
I'm not sure how much you know about alcoholism, but it is progressive, how he is drinking now is not how it will be a year from now, unless he is at capacity! I'm sure he didn't start out drinking this much.
He promised to quit, he doesn't. Unfortunately that's alcoholism 101. While he might have some intention, maybe even wishes he could quit, he isn't.
So what to do? Well you could leave, there is no reason for you to have a front row seat, unless you feel you really can't leave. Leaving doesn't mean you are giving up on him or the relationship (unless you want that to be so), it just means you aren't going to live in this semi-relationship. If he ever gets sober, you can revisit that (if you even want to at that point).
Barring that, it really means detaching from him emotionally, because this is hurting you. Hurting your self esteem, your life in general and isolating you probably.
What would you like to do?:
Member
Join Date: Jul 2023
Posts: 176
Hello exhausted,
Your sacred path in life is not to babysit a man with his bottle.
What you are contemplating--"giving up"--can be more purposeful if it is called "acceptance." Acceptance of your husband exactly where and who he is today.
As most alcoholics do, he will want to preserve the status quo. He has everything in life set up to accommodate his drinking. That would include your tolerating the set-up.
His dependence on alcohol is his to seek help for or not. If he has no drive to seek help, is not intensely motivated to do whatever it takes to get sober, he will continue drinking and will come to resent you for no longer cooperating with it. He will look for reasons to criticize you, to try to make you seem more messed up than he is. That way he won't have to take any responsibility for the problems between you.
The drive to get sober always begins with a crisis, and for some, it is a series of several crises that drives them into seeking recovery.
But he is just too comfortable, his set-up is supporting his addiction, and he is unlikely to seek sobriety until he experiences alcohol as the source of unbearable emotional and physical pain. He may be spending his life at the kitchen bar for a long time before he hits a wall.
No emotional connection, no sexual connection, no participation together in outside activities, and the result? For him, no interference with drinking. For you, a deep loneliness and exile.
You could go to a weekly Al-Anon meeting as a way to face the reality of all of this and as a source of inspiration to get away from "living the rest of your life like this. "
If you can't make a meeting, the book "How Al-Anon Works" is available through most online bookstores. It clearly describes what life is like with an alcoholic and how to begin your recovery from its effects.
You will be able to change only yourself: by facing the reality of that which you cannot control, by deciding what you value most in life, and by being brave enough to set real boundaries that define your values and your mature expectations. (As in, "I will not live life with a constant drunk in my kitchen).
Most wives need support from others to do this. Alcoholics are very good at blocking their wives' attempts toward an honest life. They do this by inducing guilt and fear in the wife. And telling her they can't make it without her. And promising to control the drinking.
If it the alcohol succeeds in this manipulation, she is lost.
Please try to get out and be with other people, people who love and enjoy you. The alcoholic home can become a prison. Please don't babysit.
Your sacred path in life is not to babysit a man with his bottle.
What you are contemplating--"giving up"--can be more purposeful if it is called "acceptance." Acceptance of your husband exactly where and who he is today.
As most alcoholics do, he will want to preserve the status quo. He has everything in life set up to accommodate his drinking. That would include your tolerating the set-up.
His dependence on alcohol is his to seek help for or not. If he has no drive to seek help, is not intensely motivated to do whatever it takes to get sober, he will continue drinking and will come to resent you for no longer cooperating with it. He will look for reasons to criticize you, to try to make you seem more messed up than he is. That way he won't have to take any responsibility for the problems between you.
The drive to get sober always begins with a crisis, and for some, it is a series of several crises that drives them into seeking recovery.
But he is just too comfortable, his set-up is supporting his addiction, and he is unlikely to seek sobriety until he experiences alcohol as the source of unbearable emotional and physical pain. He may be spending his life at the kitchen bar for a long time before he hits a wall.
No emotional connection, no sexual connection, no participation together in outside activities, and the result? For him, no interference with drinking. For you, a deep loneliness and exile.
You could go to a weekly Al-Anon meeting as a way to face the reality of all of this and as a source of inspiration to get away from "living the rest of your life like this. "
If you can't make a meeting, the book "How Al-Anon Works" is available through most online bookstores. It clearly describes what life is like with an alcoholic and how to begin your recovery from its effects.
You will be able to change only yourself: by facing the reality of that which you cannot control, by deciding what you value most in life, and by being brave enough to set real boundaries that define your values and your mature expectations. (As in, "I will not live life with a constant drunk in my kitchen).
Most wives need support from others to do this. Alcoholics are very good at blocking their wives' attempts toward an honest life. They do this by inducing guilt and fear in the wife. And telling her they can't make it without her. And promising to control the drinking.
If it the alcohol succeeds in this manipulation, she is lost.
Please try to get out and be with other people, people who love and enjoy you. The alcoholic home can become a prison. Please don't babysit.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2023
Location: Oregon
Posts: 46
So sorry you are going through this. It sounds exhausting- and isolating. The responses here are spot on, I wanted to add something in respects to the use of the phrase “ giving up”. I see so many partners / loved ones of alcoholics say “I’m giving up” or “ I don’t want to give up on him/her” ( I also said this to myself in a relationship w an alcoholic and that kind of thinking created more pain for me in an already painful situation)
Thinking of it in terms of choosing yourself and your life, rather than “ giving up” can really help reframe things and help w detaching emotionally. . An active alcoholic will always choose alcohol over you, in spite of promises that state otherwise, and alcoholism is progressive , as others in this thread have said. Detaching and/ or leaving is more about choosing yourself than giving up on the alcoholic. Bringing the phrase “ giving up” into conversations with an alcoholic also gives them a tool to guilt you and manipulate you into putting up with their drinking, ie “ you can’t give up on me/ if you give up on me I’ll have no one “ etc.
Hope you get as much support as you need
( here, Alanon) to respond to his addiction in a way that frees you to live the life you want.
Thinking of it in terms of choosing yourself and your life, rather than “ giving up” can really help reframe things and help w detaching emotionally. . An active alcoholic will always choose alcohol over you, in spite of promises that state otherwise, and alcoholism is progressive , as others in this thread have said. Detaching and/ or leaving is more about choosing yourself than giving up on the alcoholic. Bringing the phrase “ giving up” into conversations with an alcoholic also gives them a tool to guilt you and manipulate you into putting up with their drinking, ie “ you can’t give up on me/ if you give up on me I’ll have no one “ etc.
Hope you get as much support as you need
( here, Alanon) to respond to his addiction in a way that frees you to live the life you want.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 331
When is enough enough?
I'll take a stab at that question!
- First, don't do like I did and wait/suffer for years and years until you're desperate. (Pain, in this life, is inevitable, but suffering is optional).
- Second, recognize that you are responsible for your own happiness. ( When I learned that, I realized I couldn't blame my spouse anymore)
- Third, recognize that he is responsible for his own happiness. (I did not know that! (insert "mind blown" emoji here))
- Last, love and respect yourself enought to treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,790
Someone once told me that it was enough when "the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving", and that has stuck with me to this day, more than 10 yrs later.
It's enough whenever you decide it's enough for you. ((((hugs))))
It's enough whenever you decide it's enough for you. ((((hugs))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2024
Posts: 2
Thank you
It helps hearing other people tell me what I already know in my mind. I have been unhappy for a long time. My health is suffering from the stress. I have been trying to take better care of myself and have detached alot, emotionally. We agreed on a divorce, but now he "can't imagine his life without me". But honestly, I think I have begged and pleaded too many times... the wall has gone up for me and not sure I want to tear it back down.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,800
I don't blame you because if you have defenses up, no doubt it's for a very good reason.
Really you have to put up those defenses, otherwise you aren't taking care of yourself, you know? If someone continually hurts you, shuts you out, shuts you down and exists outside your world (and your relationship) most of the time, what can you do.
As Firesprite said, it's enough when you've had enough (and it sounds like you have).
Really you have to put up those defenses, otherwise you aren't taking care of yourself, you know? If someone continually hurts you, shuts you out, shuts you down and exists outside your world (and your relationship) most of the time, what can you do.
As Firesprite said, it's enough when you've had enough (and it sounds like you have).
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