Ashkit

11 years together, married 5, 3 year old son.

I've finally had enough. This relapse is the most recent in over a dozen, and followed his longest sober stretch after IOP (80ish days)

Those 80 days were mostly not good. I never got the sense he was in a recovery mindset. He was cold and hateful for most of it, then finally got nicer to me about 3 weeks ago. Turns out he was drinking. He came home once day super drunk so I assume he'd been drinking for a while to build up to that.

I have finally made the decision to leave. I sign a lease Monday, and will move in June. He "knows" I'm leaving, but not when.

My anger and rage are gone, replaced by grief and despair. Now I pity him and the love is surprisingly back. I guess because I know it's over and he won't be able to hurt me anymore.

But this is causing him to be nicer to me, even though he's been drinking every single day the last few weeks. I worry it will chip away at my resolve, because I don't want to leave. Mostly because of my son. He loves his dad. And this neighborhood is my dream home on a quiet cul de sac with so many kids his own age that he's making friends with.

Today I almost started crying while he played with the neighbor kids and I chatted with the other moms. Dreaming of what life could have been like for him here.

Please. Please. I need stories and reminders that it just keeps getting worse. That even though he's "kind" to me now he's only trying to get what he wants. We're at the beginning of the abuse cycle.

He's still drinking and not going to meetings or doing anything to get sober, so I know it won't get better. I'm afraid of what's on the other side. But I know what's on this side and it's misery

trailmix

You have no need to be afraid. You will move and you and your Son will keep on keeping on. That's the truth. You won't have someone snipping and snapping at you. You won't have to worry when you hear someone pull up. You won't have to worry about what your Son is witnessing. That's huge.

You are more than at the beginning of another cycle, he is trying to manipulate you in to staying. Which is somewhat the same thing, but I'm sure he is pulling out some stops.

Interacting with him as little as possible is key. Usually when you live together and are going to separate, there is a transition period. Believe that you have come to this decision for good reason. Trust yourself, then steel yourself. There isn't really any reason to talk to him unless it's about your Son, is there?

My Father was an alcoholic, keeping in mind that alcoholism is progressive. By the time we were teens, we couldn't bring people home if he was there, who wants to drag your friends through the drunken ridiculousness. Do you need them to hear the music, possible staggering through the living room? Thankfully he worked out of town sometimes, so we could bring people over then.

I don't remember kids coming over when we were little, maybe when it was just my Mom at home.

I'm not sure if you mentioned this before, but why is he not moving out?

Bekindalways

Hey Ash,

You sound like the decision has become clear for you. Sadly even if he did get sober and stayed so fro years, he may well relapse. Also as you probably know, alcoholism is progressive and how he is now is as good as you will ever see him.

I'm so so sorry that this is what it has come to and huge kudos for looking out for yourself and your child.

trailmix

You may not realize yet that you are actually doing them both a favour. Your Son need never see his Dad drunk. If visitation will only be when he is sober (as it should be) his experience of growing up around his Dad will be quite different than it would be if you stayed.

qtpi

I was you. Without your courage. I stayed thinking it was better for the kids. I was wrong. I should have left and gotten some family counselling. The alcoholism worsened. Then there was marijuana. I lived with verbal abuse for years. I left after the kids moved out. Once my husband knew I intended to leave …. What a change… treated me so well suddenly. I was heartbroken. I knew it was manipulation. I could not trust him. But it was incredibly hard to leave. Now I own a beautiful home and I have a life partner who is kind and good to me. I have freedom to do what I want and my family and friends treat me with love. My daughter and I have a good relationship but my son has not forgiven me and it has been eight years since I left. Leaving was the hardest thing I ever did and the best decision I ever made. My ex refused to get me medical care when I got really sick. His sister called an ambulance for me. I have had 3 emergency room visits since leaving him and if I had stayed I that awful marriage, I would be dead instead of alive and enjoying a great life!

Bernadette

I'm afraid of what's on the other side. But I know what's on this side and it's misery

I have found in my life that when I am afraid that I am making a bad decision it helps to write up a pros and cons list - to see it on paper, just the facts. It sounds like you have that list...but the heart of course grieves for the "might have been." Just trust that more will be revealed and as qtpi said you may have no diea yet how much your life will actually improve in peace.

Your son is 3, there will be so many opportunities for new friends in his young life as he goes off to school and grows, as there will be for you. Any child of an A, like me, will tell you that getting out of that toxic environment, even if it means a period of disruption and lesser material comfort, is the most important thing. Children learn what they live. Setting the example of not tolerating addictive and manipulative behavior from a loved one is such a good strong life lesson example for your son.

Sending you hugs and a shot of courage...and try to do something really nice for yourself this weekend, just feel free and easy for an hour or so....your nervous system needs a rest.

Peace,
B.

ToughChoices

I left when my son was 3. My life is beautiful today. My son is 19. We have a healthy relationship that I treasure, but he still has some trauma secondary to his father’s illness and my concomitant craziness. We can talk about that honestly now.

I have no regrets about leaving. None. I regret carrying toxic anger towards my ex for so long, but I have now learned that lesson, as well.

Active addiction will kill the spirit of everyone it touches.

ToughChoices

Also of note: my ex (who was a wonderful person) was NEVER able to stop drinking. He died a painful, lonely, alcoholic death.

He deserved better, but he was unable to achieve it.

I say this because I think it is imperative that loved ones understand THE STAKES of addiction. People recover or they die. I always hoped that my ex husband would recover, but nothing I did could ensure that result. Given that you have no control over his outcome, what life would you choose for yourself and your child?

A front-row seat to someone’s demise? That, as you say, is misery.

venuscat

I am sure you must be scared; this is a huge step. But I think that you will find that you are leaving the misery behind—you are going to be OK. s xx ❤️

LucyIntheGarden

If your son lives with an alcoholic father, your son will be sick with dread every day he comes home from school, not knowing what will be happening inside the house. Do not make your choice based on what your alcoholic husband wants you to do or on what you wish would happen in your marriage. Now is the best time to make a change of residence, when your son is only three. In another year, he will have learned to fear his father. But my guess is your child has already picked up fear inside the home, because he is so in tune with you, his mother.

Your husband may try to tell you that he won't make it without you. But I am sorry to say that it is very possible he will soon find another woman to fill your space, even, perhaps, one with children. It is a common pattern. Alcoholics are grandiose. They like to one-up the spouse who leaves them. This is a reflection of their immaturity and utter dependence on someone who will take care of their messes. And also their need to look good. I tell you this, in case you feel sorry for him and feel you need to stay so that he will not be lonely and sad.

Addicts are famous for fake crocodile tears to get what they want. And empty vows do to better. Stay the realistic course you have set. It is the one that will save you.

toomanychances

If your son lives with an alcoholic father, your son will be sick with dread every day he comes home from school, not knowing what will be happening inside the house - this is what Lucyinthegarden said and it is the truth.

My daughter didn't want to have friends over because she didn't know what to expect from him. I'm not out of this yet - and I'm never sure when I get home what I'll find. I opened a cabinet the other day and found a glass of vodka. Today - my husband is passed out and the kids know. This is not normal. Before he passed out - he was yelling at me for accusing him of drinking. How could I have the audacity to do that???

I'm trying to practice what I preach - kids should not live in chaos. It should be stable. We wake up, have breakfast, go to school/work, come home, play, do homework, bathe and go to bed - repeat. Boring and mundance is what I want for my kids. This drama is not what we signed up for.