bw615

First time poster here. My wife and many of her family members have issues with alcohol. I would say she's a very functional alcoholic and does a fairly good job of hiding it from everyone. We havent had a meaninful conversation about her drinking in 5 years. I have been so afraid of rocking the boat, especially for our 2 small children, that i have just not brought it up and i guess hoped things would get better as other circumstances in our lives or her career improved. That "strategy" hasn't worked and i think i'm finally ready to force the topic out into the open. Ive read through here and seen that some of her behavior appears to be very common like hiding booze. this year alone i've found over 30 empty bottles and those aren't with any deep looking on my part. I feel like she knows i know because the bottles don't miraculously recycle themselves, or she just doesn't remember that she left them - maybe its a combo of both...

The challenge i have is i'm just not sure how to begin. I do not anticipate it will go well as she is a very defensive person and very quick to play victim regardless of the situation. I have spoken to a therapist myself who i feel like has tried to give me tools to cope, but i'm just not doing well holding it all together anymore.

If anyone has tips on how to start the discussion i'd really appreciate it. The other question i did have is should i involve her mom? Her brother is a recovering alcoholic so she's been through this before, but also her mom is a source of stress for her as well as their relationship has been strained for a few years as well and there's some lingering trust issues.

trailmix

Hi bw, glad you found the forum and glad you posted.

While your wife is a "functional" alcoholic, really that's just a stage of alcoholism. Alcoholism by and large is progressive, so she will be functional until she isn't. Finding 30 bottles alone - that's a lot of alcohol and those are just the hidden drinks, not the ones you see or the ones she drinks elsewhere.

So she's an alcoholic. Some people will admit this, some just won't, no matter how much evidence there is of it. There is also usually a lot of shame attached to it and as your wife is generally defensive in nature, you are right to be concerned.

As for the bottles, alcoholics can be in huge denial as well. So shame and denial equal hidden bottles.

When you say you don't want to "rock the boat" do you mean the relationship boat, or the status quo, as in if all you can have an maintain some peace is to ignore the drinking, then you would prefer that?

Guaranteed nothing will change until you talk to her. Probably much better to let her know how it affects you and your children as opposed to what she should or shouldn't be doing. What she does or doesn't do is up to her, your actions are your own (boundaries). Of course you can always recommend that she get help, but maybe that's for a second conversation, say the next day. Remember, you have had time to think this all through, she's not expecting this so will be a bit blindsided (although she probably knew it would come at some point).

Alcoholics and kids don't really mix well. I'm sure that's a concern for you.

What are your boundaries going to be? If she doesn't get sober are you willing to separate?

But first things first, a 100 percent honest conversation.

bw615

Thank you for your perspective - it's very helpful to think about starting with just how it affects us and not necssarily to what the next steps are. I think that makes a lot of sense.

In regards to not wanting to rock the boat - there was a lot of other things going on in our lives with work, pregnancy, family, etc that i felt like were really contributing to her drinking. for awhile i hoped that if those things got better or at least improved, the driving would improve. Now i'm to the point where the drinking is causing some of the issues. for example, she is incredibly emotional about how "she's not spending enough time with our kids" but then she's sneaking around for 2 hours after work sitting in her car drinkng instead of coming home and spending time with her kids.

I don't want to think about separation until it's an absolute last resort - i feel like im strong enough to help her get better but also need to do this before our kids are old enough to pick up on whats going on.

Is the general feeling that i should do this by myself or is this something where bringing her mom in, who is affected, but also part of the problem in to the dialogue? Or, should i talk to her mom separately and let her know whats going on since she's dealt with a lot of addicition with other children and family memebers? O

LucyIntheGarden

Hello bw,

If your wife is an alcoholic, she might hear your concerns but she is unlikely to give up drinking because of them. Consequences, not conversations, are what motivates an alcoholic to seek recovery. Your post doesn't mention any crises that have happened as a result of her drinking. If none have happened, and if she is an alcoholic, those crises are coming up.

When they do, you will likely want to clean them up. Fix everything, hide what happened, cover for her, have a heart to heart talk with her about how the drinking must stop, and afterward think that you will have gotten through to her and she's done with alcohol, given the crisis that just happened.

But because you cleaned up after her and protected her from the real consequences of drinking, protected her from the shock and the pain of what she did while drinking, she will deny the crisis, minimize her behavior, blame you for making a big deal out of it, and she will double down on continuing her drinking and being more creative about hiding the liquor.

You have small children. If she does not stop drinking, she will be driving drunk with them in the back seat of the car. So the stakes here are sky high. Children are in car crashes all the time because of drunk parents behind the wheel.

If she is an alcoholic, she is permanently so. If you remain married, she will always be an alcoholic wife. Your children will always have an alcoholic mother. You do not yet know whether she will be a recovering alcoholic. But the condition will be a permanent part of her life and yours and your kids.

This is deadly serious business when children are involved and at risk. You may want to tell her she has to stop drinking for their sake. But without the full-on experience of painful consequences from drinking, her denial will be so impermeable that she will not stop for their sake. She will think she's not that bad.

I suggest you start seeing a family counselor as soon as you can and go every week. Alone at first. Maybe the two of you later, but if she goes with you (unlikely she will), she will turn on the alcoholic charm and smoke and mirrors and nothing in the room will be real. Go alone. Go to work this major issue through with a professional. The day may come when you are in Family Court seeking full custody. You can be there either as a father who did nothing to protect his children. Or a father who sought professional help to protect his children.

Her drinking is going to increase and the danger to your kids with it. So: get professional help now. And do NOT rescue your wife from the consequences of drinking.

The counselor will very likely tell you to go to Al-Anon. You should do that. It will also carry a lot of weight in court, should you end up there.

If your wife is an alcoholic, you'll have to learn the right way to respond to the crises which are inevitable, otherwise you will enable the drinking, protecting the drinker, and not the kids. So commit yourself to getting help. If you don't, you are likely to do all the wrong things.

skjaldmaer3

Sorry you ended up here, but glad you're finding it helpful.

One resource I found really helpful when trying to figure out how to have these hard conversations with my partner was "Getting Your Loved One Sober". There's a lot of focus on appropriate communication and boundaries for you and how to address things going on with your person, like how to handle where they are in the process of changing, which is really what most of us are trying to instigate by having these conversations - we want something to change.


Another great resource besides Al-Anon is the SMART Recovery Family and Friends groups. They are extremely supportive and provide a tremendous amount of education regarding boundaries, communication, our own emotional regulation, and steps to take to keep your family and yourself safe.

You're on the right track though, something needs to change. I'm sending you and your family all the good vibes.

Bernadette

Hi bw615
Good responses from everyone already. Tough stuff to process we know. But getting squarely in reality is how you avoid the damage that the alcoholic family dynamic creates in children.

Personally, if I knew my partner's mom was a trigger I would not bring her in as a first line support for you. You're not looking for a cure for your wife, she will need to choose her own path to recovery - you're building a needed strong scaffolding of support for yourself and your kids. And if her Mom has other A children and hasn't done much work on her own self in relation to those dynamics she could just add to the stress for you and your wife.

Keep up your counseling, and maybe try an AlAnon meeting where many people will have been in your shoes. You can just listen and take what you can use and leave the rest. There's no cross talk in meetings, so people just share what's going on for them, no one comments on your share if you share - and you don't even have to share - you can just listen. You will learn so many tools and hear so much useful language.

AlAnon Meetings are free and are for the F&F of Alcoholics. Sometimes, after a meeting you might strike up a conversation or ask a question of someone who seems farther down the road than you in dealing with an alcoholic spouse...but everything is up to you in how you interact at AlAnon. I felt enormous relief right from my very first meeting. Just a tidal wave of relief from the shame and the secrecy.

Baby steps will start you on the journey - as Lucy mentioned - this is part of your life, so finding the language and the tools now to start talking to your kids is vital. I knew from 1st grade that something was "wrong" or different in my family.

Why couldn't one sober, sane adult have just sat us down and said "This is alcoholism. It's an addiction, and because of that we have to have certain boundaries in place for our safety. Doesn't mean you can't love Dad and doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it just means this is how we have to do things in our family. And I'm here to listen and talk about anything whenever you need."

Would have been terrific and so soothing if that had been our Mom talking openly like that. But she was way wrapped up in denial, she chose to be in denial and frustration and codependence and enabling. She could have chosen to just be in reality, and just speak to us rationally about the reality of what was happening. But part of the cunning family dynamic of alcoholism is the shame and the secrecy, the sober spouse cleaning up and pretending. It's SO toxic. And created a lifetime of dysfunction in me and my siblings....plus all three of my brothers became alcoholics so I'll never know if someone had just been honest with us from the earliest ages if they might have developed a different perspective, learned about living in reality, and not gone down that road?

Glad you are here even though the situation is not good. You're not alone. Your inner voice is speaking to you - try to give it a listen and trust it. Our instincts can get so twisted when we're in relation to alcoholism. We all love our As so much...that's why we need support from people who have been there, (just like As need support from recovered As!!) because love does not fix this family problem!

Peace,
B

trailmix

Yes, the Mother question. I agree with Bernadette, it may not be a good idea. While she has experience, there is some trouble between them and it might just add fuel to the fire, rather than being helpful.

I would also recommend Al Anon as you will find support there, as well as here, of course.

Not sure what your therapist has suggested, but I would certainly like to hear.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). Keeping that in mind always will help a great deal.

Learn as much as you can about alcoholism - not how to cure it or "fix" it so much as just solid general knowledge, for you and your kiddies, not for your wife.

She will quit when and if she is ever ready to and not a moment before. Even consequences that are drastic (like you and the children leaving, or her leaving) may not induce her to quit. It's a good idea to keep your expectations very low, otherwise you may just end up totally frustrated.

My Father was an alcoholic all of his life. He never sought treatment. He had many consequences, he drank his way through them. My Mother did not drink and was a great Mom. She never tried to hide what was going on, for better or worse, she would say "your Dad is drunk". Now as kids, we didn't really know what alcohol was or any details, of course, but we knew what to expect and that is scary for a child.

I don't know the age of your children but they catch on very early on, 5 or earlier. They may not have a name for it, but they know it isn't a good thing. This causes fear and uncertainty, which I know you don't want for your children. Honesty to them, as Bernadette also mentioned, is imperative. It won't fix it, but it will help to mitigate the damage.

SparkleKitty

Your kids are already old enough to pick up on what's going on. They are learning from you how to deal with it.