My partner is finally in rehab, but now I don’t know if I want to be with him anymore
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Join Date: Apr 2024
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My partner is finally in rehab, but now I don’t know if I want to be with him anymore
What would you do in my shoes? If we didn’t have a 7 week old son together, the decision would be easy for me.
My “partner”, if I can even call him that anymore, is finally in rehab. He’s been in there for 3 weeks now, and he’s finally able to make a phone call each week, and he talks about how much he misses me and acts like he’s under the impression that when he gets out, things are going to be totally normal and he’s going to follow up with outpatient treatment. Part of me wants to give him another chance now that he’s finally getting sober and try for the sake of our new baby. But the other part of me doesn’t want to risk him relapsing and putting my kids and myself through the same hell again.
He has a prescription drug addiction, he’s an alcoholic, has anger issues, and he’s got a porn problem too. He’s cut back significantly on his alcohol in the past 6 months, but he’s ramped up with the pills. It started with him taking a few of my 8 year olds vyvanse over the summer. He would ask, and since it was summer I said okay. Looking back, that was a ****** move on my part. He’d also buy adderal off the streets on occasion. I told him I didn’t like it though and I felt like it made him angry, especially when he mixed it with alcohol, so he stopped buying it. But he kept taking my son’s pills without asking. We’d have talks about it and I’d tell him I’d notice they were missing. He said he’d stop, but then the same thing would happen again the next month. I started hiding the pills, but he’d always find them. I got a lock box, and he broke into it. Then one month, my son was doing so bad at school, his teacher told me he was going to have to repeat the 2nd grade if he couldn’t focus and complete assignments. My son would come home telling me that he felt like his meds weren’t working anymore. I cried to my partner about how upsetting this was, because I advocated for my son so hard to get him special ed services, a diagnosis, medication that worked, and into a school that worked for him. My partner didn’t bat an eye. So I decided I’d have the dosage upped to see if that helped. It did..for a week or so, then the same issues started happening again. Finally, I realized I was giving my son empty capsules. He was taking the powder out for himself. So I called him out on it. He admitted his wrongdoing and told me he’d never do it again and go to NA meetings, but that never happened. So I’d hide the pills better, and I’d check to make sure they had powder in them before I gave them to my son. This worked for a while, until the same issues started again. Finally I realized some of the capsules looked like the had been tampered with, so I tasted the powder inside, and it was flour. Like for baking. So we fight about it again, and he agreed to go to rehab, but then he got this really good job offer and we needed the income so I told him it was ok if if he just went to NA meetings (which again never happened). 3 weeks later, he got fired from that job because he took almost his entire bottle of his klonapin and decided to get mouthy at work. He has his own klonapin prescription, and every time he gets it filled it’s entirely gone within 24-72 hours. And while he’s on that, he decides to drink and steal my kids meds. After the bender, he’s good for about 3-4 weeks and then the cycle repeats itself again. When he’s like this he fights with me, breaks things, yells and cusses at me in front my my children, etc. And they’ve been through enough, they lost their dad (who also had anger issues) to suicide, and they’re still grieving from that. So then he told me he’d quit getting his prescription filled, which worked for a while. But then we had baby in March. It’s his first child. But he was born 11 weeks early because my body doesn’t like to carry babies to term. So he was in the NICU. Of course this was a stressful and high anxiety time for both of us, so he asked if he could get his prescription filled if he let me hold on to it and moderate it. I agreed. But when he’d ask for more and I’d say no, he’d get angry. Then after one very stressful day at the NICU he got a hold of the bottle while I was sleeping and took all of them. He also took all 16 of my sons remaining vyvanse for the month, and 14 stratteras he found, and mixed it all with wine. I don’t know how he didn’t OD. I don’t think he really remembers much of what happened after that, but he spent about 48 hours in a super hypersexual mode looking and porn and making sexual comments about other women he knows..vyvanse does that to him. I was obviously mad he took all the pills, so we started fighting. He got physical with me and told me my husband/older kids’ father should’ve shot me before he shot himself. He didn’t sleep for like 4 days and refused to leave the house despite me asking him to over and over. He kept verbally attacking me and blaming me for his addiction. He said if I’d just let him get his on prescription for vyvanse (he doesn’t even have ADHD) he wouldn’t steal my sons. And that I stress him out so bad that he snaps and does these things. It was 4 days of hell. Finally upon starting to sober up and me telling him I’m done, he decided it was finally time to go to inpatient rehab. I’m proud of him for taking that step. He comes from a long line of addicts and grew up without parents because they were addicts who nearly killed him. His mom had him at 15 and has been in prison for most of his life. He was adopted by his great grandma when he was in elementary school after he flew out the windshield on a mountain with his mom driving while not sober. Then he dealt with sexual abuse in his great grandma’s home from other men in the family. He’s had a rough life. I won’t deny that. But this pregnancy was unplanned. I also didn’t know he was an addict when we first started dating. He was more of just a distraction because I was still grieving the loss of my husband. And he didn’t let his true colors show until much later in the relationship. I do have a lot of love for him. But I don’t think I’m in love with him anymore. He’s made me miserable over and over with a few good times sprinkled in. I really hope rehab teaches him about himself and how to cope with his trauma and anxiety, but I can’t get all the **** he’s done that’s hurt me out of my head. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust him or feel safe and comfortable in a relationship with him again. Which is sad, because I used to fantasize about marrying him and us being a happy family. Our son finally got out of the NICU. And I know he WANTS to be a good father to him and a good partner to me and fatherly figure to my other 2 children. But CAN he. I don’t know. I don’t trust him. I’m forever grateful that he pulled me out of the dark, suicidal hole I was in when we met. But even if rehab and recovery truly “works” for him, will ever be able to let go of everything he’s said and done? I don’t know. I don’t want to keep him from his newborn son, but part of me doesn’t really want him to come back to the house either. What should I do? We talked about doing couples therapy, which were both open to. But is trying to make it work worth the risk of relapse?
My “partner”, if I can even call him that anymore, is finally in rehab. He’s been in there for 3 weeks now, and he’s finally able to make a phone call each week, and he talks about how much he misses me and acts like he’s under the impression that when he gets out, things are going to be totally normal and he’s going to follow up with outpatient treatment. Part of me wants to give him another chance now that he’s finally getting sober and try for the sake of our new baby. But the other part of me doesn’t want to risk him relapsing and putting my kids and myself through the same hell again.
He has a prescription drug addiction, he’s an alcoholic, has anger issues, and he’s got a porn problem too. He’s cut back significantly on his alcohol in the past 6 months, but he’s ramped up with the pills. It started with him taking a few of my 8 year olds vyvanse over the summer. He would ask, and since it was summer I said okay. Looking back, that was a ****** move on my part. He’d also buy adderal off the streets on occasion. I told him I didn’t like it though and I felt like it made him angry, especially when he mixed it with alcohol, so he stopped buying it. But he kept taking my son’s pills without asking. We’d have talks about it and I’d tell him I’d notice they were missing. He said he’d stop, but then the same thing would happen again the next month. I started hiding the pills, but he’d always find them. I got a lock box, and he broke into it. Then one month, my son was doing so bad at school, his teacher told me he was going to have to repeat the 2nd grade if he couldn’t focus and complete assignments. My son would come home telling me that he felt like his meds weren’t working anymore. I cried to my partner about how upsetting this was, because I advocated for my son so hard to get him special ed services, a diagnosis, medication that worked, and into a school that worked for him. My partner didn’t bat an eye. So I decided I’d have the dosage upped to see if that helped. It did..for a week or so, then the same issues started happening again. Finally, I realized I was giving my son empty capsules. He was taking the powder out for himself. So I called him out on it. He admitted his wrongdoing and told me he’d never do it again and go to NA meetings, but that never happened. So I’d hide the pills better, and I’d check to make sure they had powder in them before I gave them to my son. This worked for a while, until the same issues started again. Finally I realized some of the capsules looked like the had been tampered with, so I tasted the powder inside, and it was flour. Like for baking. So we fight about it again, and he agreed to go to rehab, but then he got this really good job offer and we needed the income so I told him it was ok if if he just went to NA meetings (which again never happened). 3 weeks later, he got fired from that job because he took almost his entire bottle of his klonapin and decided to get mouthy at work. He has his own klonapin prescription, and every time he gets it filled it’s entirely gone within 24-72 hours. And while he’s on that, he decides to drink and steal my kids meds. After the bender, he’s good for about 3-4 weeks and then the cycle repeats itself again. When he’s like this he fights with me, breaks things, yells and cusses at me in front my my children, etc. And they’ve been through enough, they lost their dad (who also had anger issues) to suicide, and they’re still grieving from that. So then he told me he’d quit getting his prescription filled, which worked for a while. But then we had baby in March. It’s his first child. But he was born 11 weeks early because my body doesn’t like to carry babies to term. So he was in the NICU. Of course this was a stressful and high anxiety time for both of us, so he asked if he could get his prescription filled if he let me hold on to it and moderate it. I agreed. But when he’d ask for more and I’d say no, he’d get angry. Then after one very stressful day at the NICU he got a hold of the bottle while I was sleeping and took all of them. He also took all 16 of my sons remaining vyvanse for the month, and 14 stratteras he found, and mixed it all with wine. I don’t know how he didn’t OD. I don’t think he really remembers much of what happened after that, but he spent about 48 hours in a super hypersexual mode looking and porn and making sexual comments about other women he knows..vyvanse does that to him. I was obviously mad he took all the pills, so we started fighting. He got physical with me and told me my husband/older kids’ father should’ve shot me before he shot himself. He didn’t sleep for like 4 days and refused to leave the house despite me asking him to over and over. He kept verbally attacking me and blaming me for his addiction. He said if I’d just let him get his on prescription for vyvanse (he doesn’t even have ADHD) he wouldn’t steal my sons. And that I stress him out so bad that he snaps and does these things. It was 4 days of hell. Finally upon starting to sober up and me telling him I’m done, he decided it was finally time to go to inpatient rehab. I’m proud of him for taking that step. He comes from a long line of addicts and grew up without parents because they were addicts who nearly killed him. His mom had him at 15 and has been in prison for most of his life. He was adopted by his great grandma when he was in elementary school after he flew out the windshield on a mountain with his mom driving while not sober. Then he dealt with sexual abuse in his great grandma’s home from other men in the family. He’s had a rough life. I won’t deny that. But this pregnancy was unplanned. I also didn’t know he was an addict when we first started dating. He was more of just a distraction because I was still grieving the loss of my husband. And he didn’t let his true colors show until much later in the relationship. I do have a lot of love for him. But I don’t think I’m in love with him anymore. He’s made me miserable over and over with a few good times sprinkled in. I really hope rehab teaches him about himself and how to cope with his trauma and anxiety, but I can’t get all the **** he’s done that’s hurt me out of my head. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust him or feel safe and comfortable in a relationship with him again. Which is sad, because I used to fantasize about marrying him and us being a happy family. Our son finally got out of the NICU. And I know he WANTS to be a good father to him and a good partner to me and fatherly figure to my other 2 children. But CAN he. I don’t know. I don’t trust him. I’m forever grateful that he pulled me out of the dark, suicidal hole I was in when we met. But even if rehab and recovery truly “works” for him, will ever be able to let go of everything he’s said and done? I don’t know. I don’t want to keep him from his newborn son, but part of me doesn’t really want him to come back to the house either. What should I do? We talked about doing couples therapy, which were both open to. But is trying to make it work worth the risk of relapse?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 153
Ok, I got to the part where he harmed your child by stealing his or her medicine and stopped reading. If you care at all about your children, shine this guy on. Never allow him in the home with your children again. Not for one day. Take him to court for the one(s) that are his biological issue so there can be child support and make sure he has only strictly supervised visitation if any. You are damaging your children by exposing them to this "person" and it will be severe and permanent damage if you don't stop it right now. Please.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,788
How long before he's done with rehab?
Personally, I wouldn't rush into any decisions or make any promises & based on your share, I wouldn't be putting his needs ahead of the kids anyway. If he's truly sober, he'll get that. At 7 weeks postpartum your plate must be full and overflowing already. Who knows if he'll even be able to maintain sobriety once he's out? I'd want to see him walk that talk for a while before even attempting living together again if I could manage on my own financially & otherwise.
(((Hugs))) Mama, glad to hear your baby is home from NICU & I hope your older son is doing better now that no one is messing with his meds.
Personally, I wouldn't rush into any decisions or make any promises & based on your share, I wouldn't be putting his needs ahead of the kids anyway. If he's truly sober, he'll get that. At 7 weeks postpartum your plate must be full and overflowing already. Who knows if he'll even be able to maintain sobriety once he's out? I'd want to see him walk that talk for a while before even attempting living together again if I could manage on my own financially & otherwise.
(((Hugs))) Mama, glad to hear your baby is home from NICU & I hope your older son is doing better now that no one is messing with his meds.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,753
Perhaps where he needs to go after rehab is to a sober living facility? Let him try his sober wings there, rather than with all of you having a front seat?
You don't have to stay with him, of course, you can leave this relationship at any time.
I'm sure a lot of damage has been done in this relationship, maybe it's not even salvageable? But that is up to you.
If you do decide enough is enough, be sure to get the locks changed as soon as possible and let him know that you are done, he has support now, so now is as good a time as any.
You don't have to stay with him, of course, you can leave this relationship at any time.
I'm sure a lot of damage has been done in this relationship, maybe it's not even salvageable? But that is up to you.
If you do decide enough is enough, be sure to get the locks changed as soon as possible and let him know that you are done, he has support now, so now is as good a time as any.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2023
Posts: 159
Hello flower,
What has happened in your family is very common in families of addiction:
The drug addict has become the most important person in the family.
Your partner is addicted not only to drugs. But also to:
Alcohol
Rage
and Sex
Please do not be proud of him. It sets you back.
Please do not place your hopes for his physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health ahead of those for your children.
Please do not live today for the 5% chance he will become an honest, gentle, dependable man. He is extremely unstable. He is poly-addicted. And unlikely to change,
You can allow him to continue piling trauma upon trauma upon your children, putting them at high risk of substance abuse when they are old enough to to try to find their own ways of dealing with the damage done to them.
Or you can divorce him now. And mean it.
You can attend Al-Anon or Nar-Anon to help you protect yourself from any magical thinking and to find support from others who have learned how to live in a healthy way with rock-hard boundaries.
You can one day have a relationship with a man who is not toxic to you and to your most dearest loved ones.
Your addict partner will do what addicts do. Keep using, finding the people, places and things that enable him to do it, and just go there, again and again and again and again. He will still rage. But not with your children in the room. You will NEVER let that happen again.
And he will likely survive better and longer than you imagine.
So take a deep breath and do what you need to do: protect your children. No more violence in your home. No more adults who scare little people.
Your children will then truly and rightfully be the most important people in the family. It will take courage and a lot of support. But you are strong and you can do it.
What has happened in your family is very common in families of addiction:
The drug addict has become the most important person in the family.
Your partner is addicted not only to drugs. But also to:
Alcohol
Rage
and Sex
Please do not be proud of him. It sets you back.
Please do not place your hopes for his physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health ahead of those for your children.
Please do not live today for the 5% chance he will become an honest, gentle, dependable man. He is extremely unstable. He is poly-addicted. And unlikely to change,
You can allow him to continue piling trauma upon trauma upon your children, putting them at high risk of substance abuse when they are old enough to to try to find their own ways of dealing with the damage done to them.
Or you can divorce him now. And mean it.
You can attend Al-Anon or Nar-Anon to help you protect yourself from any magical thinking and to find support from others who have learned how to live in a healthy way with rock-hard boundaries.
You can one day have a relationship with a man who is not toxic to you and to your most dearest loved ones.
Your addict partner will do what addicts do. Keep using, finding the people, places and things that enable him to do it, and just go there, again and again and again and again. He will still rage. But not with your children in the room. You will NEVER let that happen again.
And he will likely survive better and longer than you imagine.
So take a deep breath and do what you need to do: protect your children. No more violence in your home. No more adults who scare little people.
Your children will then truly and rightfully be the most important people in the family. It will take courage and a lot of support. But you are strong and you can do it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 326
Flower,
Let me ask you one thing. How forgiving would you be of anyone else who jeopardized your child by taking their meds and leaving them with empty capsules, jeopardizing their educational growth? If your friend did it, your family member did it, a guest in your home did it, would you not be enraged? What is so exceptional about this dude that excuses his jeopardizing your child? You have innocent, beautiful children who only have you as a buffer and protector between them and the world. Do not fail them for the sake of a dysfunctional relationship. Do not make excuses or try to justify this in your mind. He took the meds, but you let him take them before. Think about that. You gave a man your kid's meds to keep him happy and keep him with you. You did. You have a chance to make better choices, as hard and lonely as it may be, so that you and your children can thrive and be healthy without drugs in your life. You deserve that and so do they.
Let me ask you one thing. How forgiving would you be of anyone else who jeopardized your child by taking their meds and leaving them with empty capsules, jeopardizing their educational growth? If your friend did it, your family member did it, a guest in your home did it, would you not be enraged? What is so exceptional about this dude that excuses his jeopardizing your child? You have innocent, beautiful children who only have you as a buffer and protector between them and the world. Do not fail them for the sake of a dysfunctional relationship. Do not make excuses or try to justify this in your mind. He took the meds, but you let him take them before. Think about that. You gave a man your kid's meds to keep him happy and keep him with you. You did. You have a chance to make better choices, as hard and lonely as it may be, so that you and your children can thrive and be healthy without drugs in your life. You deserve that and so do they.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,075
Hi Flower,
I would not want him back in my house with my kids, the violence, the fact that he took your son’s meds and the overall way he treated you are completely unacceptable. A sober living house would be a good place for him to start out, and then maybe he can live with a friend or get his own place. Over time if he gets and stays sober maybe he can have supervised visits with his child.
You need to put all of your energy into you and your kids.
I would not want him back in my house with my kids, the violence, the fact that he took your son’s meds and the overall way he treated you are completely unacceptable. A sober living house would be a good place for him to start out, and then maybe he can live with a friend or get his own place. Over time if he gets and stays sober maybe he can have supervised visits with his child.
You need to put all of your energy into you and your kids.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 294
Hello Flower.
This man deliberately stole your little boys medication. Medication that he needs to help him maintain focus. He stole it knowing exactly what it would do to your little boy, and not one iota of care did he have.
Personally, not even considering his abuse and anger, addiction, that would have finished it for me. As has been said, children rely on adults to make safe choices and protect them.
I wouldn't want him anywhere near me or my children. You can survive and thrive without him.
I wish the best for you and your children.
Much Love
Bute x
This man deliberately stole your little boys medication. Medication that he needs to help him maintain focus. He stole it knowing exactly what it would do to your little boy, and not one iota of care did he have.
Personally, not even considering his abuse and anger, addiction, that would have finished it for me. As has been said, children rely on adults to make safe choices and protect them.
I wouldn't want him anywhere near me or my children. You can survive and thrive without him.
I wish the best for you and your children.
Much Love
Bute x
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