Struggling190

My ex of 8 years (we broke up almost two years ago) messaged me and said he “wishes he was good enough for me” and that he misses everything about me and hates that he ruined everything. I am now having an extremely hard time. It kills me because I would have done anything to be with him I did do everything and he wouldn’t stop drinking. I couldn’t live like that. He said he is still drinking and needs to “go away again” for help.

I am seeing someone new. He’s a great guy and I really enjoy my time with him. I am just concerned because I get so upset when my ex contacts me like this. If he could have gotten help maybe we could have worked but he just kept relapsing. It makes me so upset and angry to receive messages saying he’s mad at himself and hear he’s sad bc I will always be sad. I can never go back and I know that. I can never trust him. Is it normal to be angry about that? Why can’t I accept that? A part of me won’t accept we will never see eachother again but deep down I know that I shouldn’t. The guilt is killing me.

will I ever stop worrying and feeling guilty for leaving? Will I ever be able to let go of what I wanted so badly? Is it normal to still be this sad? I have ocd as well so I just can’t stop dwelling on this.

is it normal to still be worrying about my ex when I have a new bf?

can anyone please help me

velma929

Your guilt is misplaced. The playwright Arthur Miller wrote, "I think one must finally take one's life in one's arms." Your ex hasn't, yet.

He's probably alienated the others around him, and is reaching out to people he hasn't disappointed [lately].

Normal to be angry and difficulty giving up on something lost? I'd say yes, but I will admit I am stubborn and can elevate holding a grudge to an art form. I do struggle with it, seriously, but I've had just enough therapy so I know that it's a little crazy-making and I can ask myself, "What am I gaining by hanging onto this?" It's weird - I can coast along for months, years, and something that happened in the distant past will come to mind - and I can spend days angry over it. I stop myself now. It's not productive, and I think the stewing is just me trying to blame *whatever it was* for my current unhappiness.

Bekindalways

"will I ever stop worrying and feeling guilty for leaving? Will I ever be able to let go of what I wanted so badly? Is it normal to still be this sad? I have ocd as well so I just can’t stop dwelling on this.

is it normal to still be worrying about my ex when I have a new bf?"

I think it is absolutely normal for codependents to be stuck on someone even when we know we made the best decision.

It is also normal for addicts to circle back around when they need a place to land. I hope you know this.

Walking away from an alcoholic is a type of love but not the flowers and ribbons love that sells cards and movies. It is a true, life changing world changing type of love. By leaving him, you are increasing the odds that he may recover. It feels like hell and it is the absolutely right thing to do.

Sadly even if you know and believe all that, the guilt and worry doesn't necessarily change. I hope you are seeking help through alanon meetings or counseling. This is really really rough stuff you are facing.

Let us know how you get on.

VikingGF

I think for your own sanity and well-being, you should go no contact with this person- and it is going to be the best for him, also.

You can let your guilt go, it's ok. Is your life better? Sounds like it- and what would it have been if you stayed? There's really no way to know but the likelihood is that it would be much worse. Doing what is right for yourself is fully allowed- for some reason we have a hard time with putting ourselves first- even when it means our demise if we don't. Do not let your PAST relationship taint your current one- go forward and live your life, your ex will have to do the same. He may need a hard line- and that means cutting him off. He will try and play you like a fine instrument- don't let him.

Go live and be well. You deserve that.

trailmix

hi Struggling. I think your anger is fully justified! All he actually did was dredge up old feelings so he could dump his sadness on you. That probably wasn't that unusual in your relationship.

Your guilt sounds like misplaced guilt. He is an alcoholic, you left, no need for a front seat to that. You didn't do anything wrong.

Nothing has changed.

At 2 years I think, while not unusual, it probably means you haven't really dealt with this past relationship. Perhaps therapy would help, research, reading about alcoholism and how it affects families. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). You never had any control over it and you never will. Also reading about codependency and trauma bonding perhaps.

I would also recommend reading around the forum and most important writing a list, short and concise, of all the reasons you left him. You probably don't dwell on that so much? However you may dwell on the "good times" and how sad he is now. That's not a balanced view, so reminding yourself of why you left is a good start to moving forward.

You may have to really dig deep to discover why you still have such strong feelings for him and exactly what those are, but it will be worthwhile. You don't want to carry this burden for years I'm sure.

As for your guilt about the new boyfriend and these old feelings. Maybe you aren't meant to be in a new relationship just yet? Not until you deal with these other feelings? Only you can judge that.

Struggling190

thank you for your response! It means the world to me. I like the quote you used. And you are right. I’m pretty sure from what I’ve concluded from social media he has alienated others around him currently and his new gf is sick of it it seems and he is reaching out. It just sucks that in the 2 years since we have broke up he had no stopped reaching out. It’s been at least every two months. He has such a hold on me. I’m not sure what it is but I always thought I could save him and at one point it became entirely too much. And I had to let go for my own sanity and health. I was 90 lbs at 26 years old and in shambles. Leaving him helped me truly find myself and realize I don’t need anyone. Ever. It just kills me to think he’s all alone and will never be okay. Who will take care of him as good as I did. It’s horrifying. I was traumatized in front of my eyes things I can’t even speak of. It’s rough. I wish that I could just tell myself what am I gaining by not letting this go? But I have OCD and GAD and my thoughts cycle.

makeitwrite

I’m wondering if you have considered blocking him on phone, email and social media so you have the space to fully heal without him interrupting that process? I know it’s a difficult thing to do when you are struggling with guilt, anger, and unresolved feelings- but it seems like his repeated contacts with you are triggering you, reopening unhealed wounds and bringing the past into the present life you’re building. I think you made a brave and healthy decision when you chose to walk away- so I hope you can let go of the guilt and process the anger you still have so you’ll be free of it. I speak from experience when I say that blocking all channels of contact from an ex who is still in active addiction is key to healing- it’s tempting to keep those channels open when you feel guilty or attached…but I promise it helps to close them so you’re protected from being pulled back in, and they will try to pull you back in- don’t let them.