Just curious: Is it Codie behavior to...
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Just curious: Is it Codie behavior to...
drive your AB to and from AA meetings? My AB can't drive (surprise, surprise) and the closest AA meeting is 1.5 hours away. On weekdays, he's been catching a cab (to the tune of $30 bucks a day) so he can attend the 6:30 pm meetings. So I have to kill 1.5 hours after work and wait until 8:30 pm to pick him up. The meetings are 2 hours long, so that means, we typically arrive home at 10:00 pm.
On weekends, I've been driving him BOTH WAYS! At 1.5 hours each way, it doesn't make sense to drive back home only to immediately turn around and repeat the drive. So, on a good day, this takes 5 hours out of my Saturdays and Sundays.
And not once has my AB thanked me. When I mentioned how difficult it has been to take him to/from his meetings, he said, "the only reason I'm attending these meetings is because you said that I either had to attend them or move out, so why do I have to thank you?" Nice, huh?
Well, after his first two weeks of AA meetings, be became even more self-absorbed, even more detached, and down right mean and resentful to--you guessed it--me (all his problems are my fault). So, I told him that I will no longer allow him to mistreat me and he has 30 days to move out. He is actively looking for another place to live, but I feel if I don't take him to these meetings, that he's not likely to attend on his own, and he'll waste two weeks of hard work (he's actually following the program, not drinking, calling his sponsor daily, and doing all his reading, so it appears that he's really trying).
So, my question to you is, is it codie behavior to the max to take him to these meetings, especially since I've told him to get out?
On weekends, I've been driving him BOTH WAYS! At 1.5 hours each way, it doesn't make sense to drive back home only to immediately turn around and repeat the drive. So, on a good day, this takes 5 hours out of my Saturdays and Sundays.
And not once has my AB thanked me. When I mentioned how difficult it has been to take him to/from his meetings, he said, "the only reason I'm attending these meetings is because you said that I either had to attend them or move out, so why do I have to thank you?" Nice, huh?
Well, after his first two weeks of AA meetings, be became even more self-absorbed, even more detached, and down right mean and resentful to--you guessed it--me (all his problems are my fault). So, I told him that I will no longer allow him to mistreat me and he has 30 days to move out. He is actively looking for another place to live, but I feel if I don't take him to these meetings, that he's not likely to attend on his own, and he'll waste two weeks of hard work (he's actually following the program, not drinking, calling his sponsor daily, and doing all his reading, so it appears that he's really trying).
So, my question to you is, is it codie behavior to the max to take him to these meetings, especially since I've told him to get out?
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
Wow--I'm not sure I can give you any good advice here but I will tell you what my gut
says right off. First of all if he isn't going to these meetings because he wants to then he
probably will quit them if you don't take Him. If he is really serious about sobriety he
will find a way to get to meetings and he won't depend on any one else. Personally
I think that if you set a boundary i.e. giving him 30 day notice--you should stick to
it as best you can. It's hard sometimes to know if we are making good decissions
--we just have to put one foot in front of the other and hope our HP will guide us
along. My AH and I are not living in the same house and the laughable part is I think
he's detaching rather than face his alcoholism or the loss of his marriage. For me it's a
very foggy journey. I just keep coming to this sight and reading and writing and I'm
learning amazing things and all the support is the best. Smiles--Dee
says right off. First of all if he isn't going to these meetings because he wants to then he
probably will quit them if you don't take Him. If he is really serious about sobriety he
will find a way to get to meetings and he won't depend on any one else. Personally
I think that if you set a boundary i.e. giving him 30 day notice--you should stick to
it as best you can. It's hard sometimes to know if we are making good decissions
--we just have to put one foot in front of the other and hope our HP will guide us
along. My AH and I are not living in the same house and the laughable part is I think
he's detaching rather than face his alcoholism or the loss of his marriage. For me it's a
very foggy journey. I just keep coming to this sight and reading and writing and I'm
learning amazing things and all the support is the best. Smiles--Dee
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: MA
Posts: 9
I know how these can be confusing issues ... I could be right or wrong, of course, but I look at your action as supportive, not codie.
At any rate, I think if we do what's truly in our heart, then we'll be ok .. I believe that's God's way of communicating with me .. he speaks to my heart .. and if I allow myself to listen and not allow my will to dominate my actions, then I'm all good!
At any rate, I think if we do what's truly in our heart, then we'll be ok .. I believe that's God's way of communicating with me .. he speaks to my heart .. and if I allow myself to listen and not allow my will to dominate my actions, then I'm all good!
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
The codie side of us allows our happiness to be dependent on them.
So ask yourself, is your driving him part of your way of trying to help him work his program. Like you ahve to be the one to make sure he does it?
If you are trying to 'manage' his recovery efforts, with any feeling that he won't do it if you don't take him, so his success depends on you, and your happiness depends on his success, then I thinks it codie.
It is trying to control outcomes.
And if all you are getting out of it is a guy who says he is doing this to shut you up, then you are not really getting someone who is working their program.
Just my thoughts. I've been there.
So ask yourself, is your driving him part of your way of trying to help him work his program. Like you ahve to be the one to make sure he does it?
If you are trying to 'manage' his recovery efforts, with any feeling that he won't do it if you don't take him, so his success depends on you, and your happiness depends on his success, then I thinks it codie.
It is trying to control outcomes.
And if all you are getting out of it is a guy who says he is doing this to shut you up, then you are not really getting someone who is working their program.
Just my thoughts. I've been there.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: US
Posts: 316
If you are feeling resentful, then good for you for wondering.
He must be able to hook up with someone for a ride. Does he have a sponser who can help him? It really is HIS recovery. He needs to use his resources to do this...if he is doing it for himself.
Until then, can you use the ride to put on music that YOU like and use the time to relax and reflect. You will know when it is time to stop doing it.
Jenny
He must be able to hook up with someone for a ride. Does he have a sponser who can help him? It really is HIS recovery. He needs to use his resources to do this...if he is doing it for himself.
Until then, can you use the ride to put on music that YOU like and use the time to relax and reflect. You will know when it is time to stop doing it.
Jenny
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
That's a fine idea, JennyK. I've used the time on the road to listen to music and reflect on my plans for the future. Once there, instead of waiting in the parking lot, I've used my time to shop for Christmas presents, pay bills, and browse bookstores. That's how I stumbled across several books about Codependence. After reading the back of the jackets I was suprised to learn that they were talking about me!
So, I got myself a good cup of Starbucks (a grande raspberry skim latte to be exact--yum), sat down and began a new journey. Which led me to this forum. So while it's been a pain to drive my AB to his AA meetings, it actually led me on a path towards my own recovery.
I don't feel like driving my AB is Codie behavior because he hasn't had a drink since he began the AA program, so it's benefitting me as well, since my life is much easier when he's sober. But I just wanted to run the idea past you all, as it appears my Codie behavior is deeply ingrained in me. I don't want to waste time practicing that "skill" any more. I'd rather focus my attention on learning how to leave that behavior behind.
So, I got myself a good cup of Starbucks (a grande raspberry skim latte to be exact--yum), sat down and began a new journey. Which led me to this forum. So while it's been a pain to drive my AB to his AA meetings, it actually led me on a path towards my own recovery.
I don't feel like driving my AB is Codie behavior because he hasn't had a drink since he began the AA program, so it's benefitting me as well, since my life is much easier when he's sober. But I just wanted to run the idea past you all, as it appears my Codie behavior is deeply ingrained in me. I don't want to waste time practicing that "skill" any more. I'd rather focus my attention on learning how to leave that behavior behind.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hi Former :-)
If you're sitting around waiting for you AB while he's at a meeting, there's a really good chance that there's a meeting of Al-Anon nearby. If there is _not_ one nearby, you can start one yourself, then you can ask the secretary of the AA meeting to pass the word to all the "A's" at that meeting to tell their "significant others" that there's an Al-Anon lady starting her own meeting all by herself and watch how you get a ton of people coming out to be with you :-)
Mike :-)
If you're sitting around waiting for you AB while he's at a meeting, there's a really good chance that there's a meeting of Al-Anon nearby. If there is _not_ one nearby, you can start one yourself, then you can ask the secretary of the AA meeting to pass the word to all the "A's" at that meeting to tell their "significant others" that there's an Al-Anon lady starting her own meeting all by herself and watch how you get a ton of people coming out to be with you :-)
Mike :-)
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