Strawbz11

Just wanted to see if this goes hand in hand with addiction.

Asking about a 48 year old, 2 and a half years sober after becoming an alcoholic. It is down on his medical records as alcohol dependant, which he isn't at all anymore. He has a very addictive personality however and smokes alot of weed and takes too any painkillers. I suspect he may have a secret addiction he's keeping from me as certain things don't always make sense.
He has lost all family and is not good at life. He works hard but money may aswel very burned than handed to him. He's always in a mess.

We've been involved on and off since September 2020. He has always behaved like a child with women. He was always messaging women when with his ex. At least one affair took place..she couldn't trust him anymore but they stayed friends.

She then became one of the women he messaged when he was supposed to be my partner. I've lost count of the amount of times a random woman has been allover his fb..or he over explains a woman. He was On a dating app in our early weeks of talking. He had the nerve to stay friends with the woman he slept Aith of there whilst getting to know me. He's had private messages and contact with his brothers exes. His dad's exes. During our time apart last year he spent the summer with an old school friends ex wife. They did alot together. He even got involved with a friend I cut off.

When we got back together he deleted social media. Hes now avoiding whatsapp. He will use texts though so I know he's likely still up to his old tricks. He seems to have "grown" and realised he needed to come off the apps which is huge for him. But I've noticed now wherever he goes he's always chatting to a woman or a story will be told. If he stays in hotels for work the female cleaner, the bar lady etc will all give him extra biscuits or have a laugh with him..he claims they always have alot in common with him. It's like he's rubbing it in my face. Yet there's nothing really to rub in my face.

I'm 15 years younger, fairly attractive and work etc. I see no reason he's needing this extra fuss.

Is this common with addictions?

trailmix

I don't know if it's common with addictions but you describe many people who have a need for outside validation.

They can be male or female, young or older, it's an internal thing. I think you tend to see it more in younger people (think teens) because they may not yet have found themselves and realized that you get genuine validation from within. Everyone (well most), like to have validation from others, that makes us feel good, but it's never something to rely on.

I suppose what he is doing could be described as pure ego stroking.

He may have deleted his social media and be "avoiding" others (what does that really mean? that he just stumbles on to it sometimes?), but that kind of need for validation doesn't go away overnight.

I wouldn't believe it for a minute.

Hawkeye13

I don’t think addiction automatically makes someone a cheater or not- that seems more about character. Perhaps addicts are more self-centered as addiction requires this, but many addicts are extremely introverted, so again, you cannot generalize.

This doesn’t seem like a trustworthy person to build a future with or even keep in your life. You deserve better—why are you settling for so little? That’s perhaps a more useful question?

LifeRecovery

My loved one that brought me here had an affair. Actually the affair was what finally got me dealing with the elephant in the room, alcohol.

The big similarity I see between the two - how I responded to him with both.

I attempted to make life easy so he could have a soft landing. I attempted to walk on eggshells so he would not need either his affair partner or alcohol. Writing that sentence made me realize that they were kind of similar as coping mechanisms for him, and they held a similar role in my focus, concentration and support.

As I was able to shift from what he "did" into how I was triggered and responded I started to get better. Keeping the focus on what I was capable of changing helped me to feel independent, worthy and deserving.

dbyrer

The man you describe is an active addict. He is not fit for a relationship. If you find it fun and interesting to be part of the circus that is his life, party on. If not, jump off the carousel. Learn all you can about addiction and what it does to others' in the addicts life and move along with your life. Good luck.

velma929

Before forums, before apps, Facebook, etc., I had this roommate who 'wasn't good at life.'

"Carla" may as well have burned her money, it seemed to disappear before rent was due, or the oil bill, electricity, you get the idea. She had complained (a lot!) that she hadn't been able to afford new glasses for ages. For her birthday, a bunch of friends pooled their money to get her a gift certificate to an eyewear store - she still needed an exam, but it was a pretty generous gesture on the friends' parts. Months (maybe a year) went by and one of them asked if she was ever going to use that certificate. I said, well, I guess she needs money for the exam. The friend said, "How much has she spent on vodka since we gave that to her?"

I knew she was sleeping until noon many days, getting up to shower and going back to 'sit up in bed to read.' As for her ego - I guess she went a slightly different route. She was having a lot of one-night stands. She seemed disappointed that the men she was sleeping with never called her again. The men (the ones who confided in me) swore she insisted these were no-strings-attached encounters, insisting that she was the initiator. I doubt they were *all* lying, and being intimate with them on the first time they were alone would lead some to believe NSA was her M.O. In retrospect she was probably suffering from depression and a drinking problem. I pressured her to get some help with her mental health - which resulted in Carla going to a couple sessions, then just pretending to once a week to get me off her back.

Carla spent almost ten years getting her undergraduate degree. (The school cut off some financial aid, I guess because she was only taking a class or two each semester). She was fired from two teaching jobs, but I have no idea what became of her after that. It's sad, but in the 18 months or so I lived with her, she refused to take any action (or ownership, though that wasn't a thing then) for the things in her life that clearly weren't working.

Batgirl273

Oof.

I agree that i don't know if its addictions but more of a character thing. My ex is/was the same way when he was using, and not. When he was using, he had full on affair and left me for her. Sober he continued to use dating appa and talk. A therapist i went to said its a love addiction. I believe its a case of that, and adhd. He gets a hit of dopamine everytime he gets new attention, or old attention becomes new again. It explains why he's also prone to binge drinking, because he needed alcohol to boost his mood, until it depressed him.

If you read my post history, you'll see the timeline of our relationshios demise. I wasted years with this guy. Nothing got better other than him getting sober.

Bekindalways

This man doesn't sound like he is really relationship material. Some of us never will be very good as a partner.

It took me a long, long (did I mention long?!!!) time to see my own shortcomings and at least make an effort to stay one my side of the street. This is still challenging for me; I always want to fix others and think about their problems. Ugh.

I hope you can find the threads that are yours to pull and untangle and let this guy do whatever he needs to do.

edoering

I think of addiction as a broader mental disorder. It doesn’t matter which substance it is, I see it defined by the patterns of behavior an addict has for handling what life throws at them.

Life is hard and life is wonderful. Someone battling addiction cannot self-regulate their reactions to life in a functional or healthy way. This can be because of unaddressed trauma/PTSD, other behavioral disorders (including codependency, narcissism, etc), genetics and brain chemistry, never having been taught, or a combination of any/all the above.

So, is the fact that he still uses brain-altering substances while being “bad at life” a sign he is still in active addiction? Honestly, I think so. With my ex, it didn’t matter what the substance was, his brain was susceptible to being thrown chemically out of balance by substances that don’t impact my brain as drastically.

If he could remove all substances would that change his behaviors towards women? Not necessarily. Getting rid of the substances is JUST the first step, because it gives the brain a chance to enter a neutral space from which the real healing/therapy begins. It gets them to a starting point from which they can deal with the behavioral patterns honestly, but it doesn’t get rid of the patterns by itself. For instance, it doesn’t suddenly fix patterns of lying, but it gives them a chance to get honest about why the lying has been happening, to decide if they want to stop or not, and then begin the long, gradual process of reprogramming themselves.

So I guess, I personally think it’s not so much that addiction causes these issues, as these issues he has are related to why he has issues with addiction.

thequest

Addiction requires it. Yup, the focus of their day is that next high or maintaining one. It's pretty simple.

Problem is besides the substance it becomes a way of life with the same circle of friends who think alike. Also many long term addicts get so used to actiing, lying and manipulating with regularity that's a habit they wind up keeping even with the substance is out of the picture. This is why it's important not just to get off the substance put some positive new things in one's life. With some it's religion, a new career and/or purpose.

Airbear23

My question to you is, are you trying to justify his behavior by saying it's because he's an alcoholic? If he never drank and did those things, would you tolerate it? Having an addiction should never give anyone a pass to act inappropriately to another person. If you're in a relationship and he's crossing boundaries that makes you uncomfortable, and you have clearly expressed this, then it's not ok. That goes for anyone at anytime. If you think he'll get sober and not engage in those activities, why wouldn't he if you've accepted them so far? Drunk or sober, he is going to treat you how you let him.