Jmarie113

I had a close friend for the last two years. He has severer clinical depression and has been on different medications for it since I met him. They tripled his dose, and it just wasn't working. He dropped out of college, quit his job, and moved in with his parents. His mother is an alcoholic and buys him as much alcohol as he wants. So, he drinks every day, all day. I have stayed up with him until 8am, while he was having thoughts of ending his life and drinking. He started being really mean, mocking me, telling his friends lies about me, standing me up for things...he just got worse and worse. When I told him his behavior was hurting my feelings, he blocked me. Every couple of weeks, he unfriends/unfollows/blocks me somewhere else. He has now run out of places to unfollow me, and still has my number blocked, so I cannot call/text him. It has been two months. I don't know what I did, and I am so hurt. We were so close. He used to tell me I was one of his best friends, and he was alive because of me. He said he cared about me and appreciated me always being there, then just threw me away. I don't get it, and I am so unbelievably sad, waiting for him to unblock me and text me with an apology. Everyone tells me to give up on him, but I can't. I check up on him through his friends, and they say he just drinks and plays video games, nothing else. It's so sad. No one helps him. I don't know what to do. I sent him a letter, but he did not reach out after. I found this forum and thought maybe someone could give me advice. Thank you!

SparkleKitty

The only advice I have for you, my friend, is to learn when to let go.

He cannot be any clearer right now about not wanting you to be a part of his life. He doesn't want help. We don't have to understand why someone is behaving a certain way to accept what the behavior is clearly telling us. If you respect him and yourself, you will not keep trying to insert yourself where you are not wanted.

The time and energy you spend trying to fix him is time and energy better spend looking inward, at the person you actually can change: you.

trailmix

Hi Jmarie. Glad you found the forum.

He just wants to drink and that's what alcoholics do.

Try not to take this so personally, I know that is hard. But he didn't throw you away, he decided he wants to drink and play video games - that's really it. He doesn't want to talk about his life or how awful it might be for him.

Alcoholism is progressive.

I think he is being very clear that he wants to not be contacted. You also mentioned that no one is helping him. Well he hasn't asked for any help.

There is a book that is often recommended here - Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie. You might find it useful. It talks about boundaries and that is so important.

He's treated you horribly, do you wonder why you would even want to talk to him?

Bute

I have to agree with the above posts.
I know you want to help your friend, but he needs to want to help himself first. He doesn't seem to want help for now.
You will make yourself poorly trying to help him when he doesn't want it.
Cut him loose, and take care of yourself.
Much Love
Bute x

RunningScared

Stop looking at it from the point of view that you can help him. You can't. He needs help from professionals. Nothing exacerbates the treatment of mental illness more than alcohol or drug abuse.

Alysheba

You have to let this "friend" go. Sounds like you were coing him and he was using you and the minute you object, he throws you to the curb.

Really, for your own protection and good of your mentality, get rid of this guy. He's got problems seemingly beyond your ken.

Best of luck. It hurts, but let go, it hurts less.

Airbear23

You didn't do anything. You were a good friend, and having that happen when all you've been is supportive and caring is a real kick in the teeth. I have been there, well there right now actually.

Shame is a HUGE part of an alcoholic's life. So is blaming others for their problems. This isn't about you. If you weren't the one, it would be another person. Isolation is also very prevalent.

You didn't do anything, and there isn't anything you can say or do to change it. Nothing, nada, zippo. I know it hurts, I know you feel like you did something wrong or said something or didn't say something....nope, addiction is like a demon that takes over a person until eventually it's calling the shots. You're not being blocked by your friend. You're being blocked by the addiction. And until or unless your friend fights for recovery, you're not going to matter.

If your friend reaches out to you and needs a friend or cheerleader to get sober, you be that person. Until then, live your life or the addiction will claim two lives instead of one.

Calmerwaters

I think deep down too, they know the relationship with you (whatever it is), makes them have to admit they have a problem. My daughter isolates a lot when she relapses. She will also become resentful too and flip it back. “You were so busy with your life, you weren’t interested in me”.

Basically, we have to give people the dignity to deal with their own problems. You too are entangled in your friends addiction. Go live your life. (I say that with care and kindness)

And yes, we may lose people to this disease, but it truly is only them who can unlock the issues and find the key.

Live

You did your best to help. You know that. It is not uncommon for depression and alcoholism to isolate. alcoholics are never happy. He used you and manipulated you. But I would bet his life was getting out of control and he lashed out at you. They do like to blame. Look up king baby syndrome.
The friend who asked me to help him after his mother died is similar to your friend..just older and further along in his dysfunctional life. I let him get argumentative with me twice. The third strike was the last strike. If someone does not appreciate me then they do not deserve me. We gave them our care and concern and they spit on us. It will only get worse.
I know it hurts but you will heal. I feel like I dropped 240 lbs when I get up in the morning (him and his problems). He has all the numbers for resources that I gave him. He is a grown up who will have to take care of himself. Probably I am doing him a favor by letting him get to his rock bottom. or he may never and that isn't a way to live.
If he ever threatens suicide again, call 911.
Now you have the chance to do things that you like to do with your time.
He can't be a friend to you if he can't be one to himself. You also must be your own best friend. Your happiness matters. Don't hand it to someone who abuses it. Didn't you get tired of everything being about him and taking care of him? But when we state our needs, they blow up?
I know I am not missing anything regarding him....it is just the same stuff, different day.
I am sorry this happened to you. I let myself cry and then started moving along with the things that I like to do. There is a show I like, and my online games, books, cooking. and just peace and rest. peacefulness is a really big deal to me.
best wishes!!

RunningScared

It's good he blocked you. You don't need that in your life.

Oglsby

Block him back and be done.

EveningRose

I'm sorry. It's hard when you care about someone's well-being and want to help them. We eventually learn that we can't help those who don't want to be helped. I have a daughter right now like this (not with alcohol but other things). She won't let me help her. She won't speak to me. All I can do is pray for her, so that's what I do until a door opens somewhere.