Struggling190

My story is extremely long and I have other posts if you want to read it in detail. Basically I was in a relationship for 8 years and had to leave and move out 7 months ago due to his alcoholism. I could not take it anymore. I started dating someone new around 3 months after the breakup and this guy was an angel and treated me like gold. Has a great family and he is overall a perfect partner. I found out my ex was 6 months sober and I broke up with my boyfriend because I was confused and wanted to talk to my ex. So I did. The first couple days everything was good he was a completely different person. He is sober. But he’s sober now yet still so toxic and so bad for me. We hung out a few times and I’ve become very overwhelmed and don’t like many of his behaviors. I thought him not drinking would fix everything but there’s so many other problems he’s so controlling and toxic. Other guy was not at all. I have now told my ex of 8 years I need time I need solitude to figure out what I want because old patterns are showing and he’s making me feel like **** telling me all I do is leave. What do I do? He keeps blowing up my phone telling me I’m evil and that I always mess with his head but I just want to take care of myself and he’s too much for me right now. Is it normal for someone to get sober but still keep so many of these manipulative controlling qualities?

trailmix

Yes, it's pretty common to still have some of those behaviours.

He is sober, but what else has changed? There is sobriety, where someone puts down their drug of choice and there is recovery, two completely different things.

He is obviously not doing any of the work required to try to improve himself and his life. Does he go to therapy? AA? Any group meetings or getting any help? If not this is probably as good as it's going to get. Getting sober doesn't mean getting "better".

Blowing up your phone? Perhaps tell him you need some time not talking to him and block him. He has nothing to say that you need to hear does he? Do you need him to tell you that you are "evil" and that you "mess with his head" and that "you always leave"? Not really right?

Anyway, he is obviously trying to guilt you in to staying and putting up with all this again and you aren't buying it and good for you. You don't need this in your life do you? You have only hung out with him a couple of times and look at all the drama and hurt he has caused you.

Noelaus3

He’s showing you who is again. You know how this goes. All the best.

Hawkeye13

I think the solitude idea is a good one.

I have spent many years in serial monogamy and meshing my identity with a partner is not at all the same as taking time and space to get to know myself on my own terms.

I grew up trying to fix / help my alcoholic mom and more or less have had varying degrees of codependency since then. I deserve better and so do you— he is offering you verbal abuse instead of support and love.

What do you want for the rest of your precious life?