Lilybet

Hi All,

I've posted here before and it's been so helpful reading everyone's stories and comments. Many days, I feel I'm making real progress but today has been a rough one. If it was just Valentine's Day, I could blow it off but today is technically my 26th wedding Anniversary. I say technically because we have been separated for a while. Certainly not the first Anniversary I've spent alone, even when we were together but this one has a bite. I'm in limbo right now, wanting to divorce but currently unable. I have a post-nup and I'm trying to find resolution but as usual, I'm feeling stuck. The divorce will be on me financially, like everything else. Also, I will probably need to refi or sell the house, due to my ex AH name being on the mortgage (although I pay it), so for now it will have to wait.

He had relapsed, cheated and walked out and now seems to have moved on. I found some of his NA stepwork notes recently and I've realized the cheating was not a one-time thing. The hits just keep coming and of course, I feel like a fool. I suppose lying becomes such second nature to them, it matters little about the context. In looking back, I wonder if anything was real or if I was just a useful convenience. So many years. His belongings are still here and I'm still getting his mail. I've begun packing up his stuff. It seems I'm still cleaning up his mess, even now.

I've encountered so many people with stories that mirror my own lately or perhaps, I've just become more aware because of my current situation. Oh, the damage we humans inflict on each other. The older I get, the more I love animals. LOL

I'm trying to start dating again but it's been challenging because I doubt everyone's motives now. There were some options for events today but I couldn't muster the enthusiasm. I just had to vent a little because I'm just plain sad and I know so many here understand the hurt, frustration and damage these relationships wreak on your sanity and emotional well-being. For all those in similar circumstances today, I wish you self-love, peace and I'm sending out a big hug.

JanuaryStrlight

Lots of love to you, dear one. ❤️ I understand completely. Major props to you for trying to date—that takes courage. Don’t worry about not being able to muster. I and I guarantee the rest of us certainly get that and we don’t expect you to, especially if you weren’t feeling it to begin with. ❤️ Hang in there~

trailmix

The above really stood out to me. You aren't a fool (I hope over time you will believe that).

When people lie to us and we believe them, especially when they are good at it (and it doesn't take a lot of practice to be good at it - well, why wouldn't we? If you met someone tomorrow and they said they have worked for NASA for the last 10 years doing remote IT work and that it pays well and they enjoy their job, would you believe them? Probably, because we don't actually expect people to sit in front of us an lie so easily. It's not the "human way".

Now, if you actually care about the person and their integrity and values are slipping, over time, that's a hard thing to spot in many cases. Keeping the secrets is imperative to them, otherwise everything falls like a house of cards.

Anyway, what I am trying (in a long way) to say is, if someone lies to you, it's not you that's the fool.

Purplrks3647

(((Lilybet))

Ugh….Some of your situation sounds all too familiar….between two relationships and they were so similar to each other, I swear they knew one another and compared notes

But each time there was a moment of enough is enough, like the flip of a switch….it might seem like a ton of bricks, but in the long run it helps to break away and move on….hopefully that moment comes for you soon….

And I wouldn’t rush too quickly into dating….I found that out the hard way (lol) so I’m focusing on me! It’s very empowering. Big hugs to you

velma929

I understand. I was married almost 25 years, but my qualifier died, so I was spared the decision of leaving him. I had come really close a couple times. No exaggeration, the very day I decided I'd had enough, I came home and he told me he had a terminal disease. He lived maybe six or eight more weeks.

I suspect he cheated on me. I suspect, now, that the reason he was fiered from his last job was because of that, but I'll never know. I did overhear him, toward the end, calling a friend to keep an eye on me and help when he could. Oddly, I don't actually *remember* this phone call, it was in a journal I kept at the time and the friend in question told me, too.

Other people will cavalierly tell you that someone who cheats doesn't love his/her spouse. Not true. Been there, done that, too. Sometimes, the peculiar reasoning is, "If I had just a little more happiness in my life, I could stay in this marriage." And not just me; I've known other couples with official arrangements, or desperately unhappy people who *wanted* to stay married, do things of that sort. (One couple from my childhood has stayed together in spite of both of them having affairs over the years.)

Late AH was living on unemployment payments and cashing in his retirement savings. He drank 12 beers a day, at least. But I can spin this any way I want, as I'm the only one left. I've chosen to believe he was doing the best he could. It wasn't very effective, but it was the best he could manage at the time. I'm left to infer that at some point he no longer had a choice about quitting, the disease had gone too far.

Lilybet

Thank you all for your kind replies. I never had kids because of the situation. My only family is my elderly Father who lives in another state. My ex has returned to his country where he has a large family. I'm just here alone. I'm pretty independent and most of the time, I can handle things fine but now and then, it backs up on me. I was discarded after years of taking care of him, while he gets an entire support system for doing the wrong thing. He actually told me to "stop feeling sorry for myself". He said I may feel alone now but he will always look for me. Like it's all a figment of my imagination. I am alone and apparently, have been for some time. I just didn't know it.