Trying_in_Texas

Hi all... well, I've been here before. It's been a long time. I was trying to figure out who to talk to about my situation, and I am just tired of rehashing it with my usuals. I'm tired of rehashing it with myself.

Anyway, my husband has always been addicted to something. He is functional, which is great in a lot of ways, but it also means that it is unlikely he will ever hit a real bottom, at least anytime soon. Right now he just drinks to excess regularly, which he would definitely tell you is a good thing and manageable. He also says he could quit drinking whenever he wanted to... but when you have said, "I'll just quit then" too many times to count (literally, thousands at this point), and you never actually do, it seems to ring less true.

The truth is, if all he did was get a little hammered every once in a while, I would be able to deal with that. He's not the least bit violent, and he doesn't drive drunk or anything so he's not a physical danger to anyone other than his own liver. The problem is he lies. About all kinds of things. All the time. The vast majority of the lies are inconsequential - he did talk to so-and-so about this or that, or he did take care of X, Y or Z (spoiler, he didn't). He's also super lazy because he's drinking in his downtime, so he's not a great wealth of help. He's also reckless in general (obviously)... like failing to tell me until I'm driving on the highway with our littlest that his truck I had to borrow has the "death rattle", with his answer being to "go faster and it stops".

So... I trust zero percent of what he says. I thought for a long time this was okay - just know not to trust him, and it will be fine. Problem is, I don't trust my husband. I am shocked it took me almost twenty years to realize this was an actual problem. But during this one incident a couple months ago where he was trying to convince me he wasn't drinking, and he took a sip of a drink I had found hidden and acting like he was shocked to find out it wasn't just water, it just hit me like a ton of bricks.

Of course, my dad had a heart attack the next day and I had to be away from home unexpectedly for a long time, and so the whole thing went haywire. And I had time to think. Bad for him. It was like something just broke in me. That part of me that still wanted to believe him just died, and now everything he says to me comes across like that Peanuts character that no one can understand. It just seems like a huge waste of time to listen to him.

Problem is, we have these three little kids who think he's great. We are the soccer parents and they are doing amazing with school... activities... church... you name it. It would be absolutely devasting to them if he weren't here, especially to my son, and their worlds would just be completely rocked. And he may be great, except for the lying and the drinking part. He seems great. Everyone else thinks he's great. I'm the straight guy to his comedian... the bad cop to his good cop. My team also just got a lot smaller this last year. My dad is sick, and my mom is caretaking. My best friend unexpectedly died. Point being, I just don't think it's wise to split up at this point, at least until they are a little older and could maybe understand. I also know that it would absolutely terrify me to have to leave them alone with him for weekends... weeks... etc., especially if he has no reason to care about my opinion anymore. I truly feel that they are safer when I keep him closer and know what he's doing to some extent. And he's just not "bad enough" for me to have any chance to make sure he wouldn't get to have standard visitation. He hasn't been in any legal trouble in decades, and all of that was deferred. And he would definitely want to have visitation. Whether that's because he would want to be a good dad or whether it is because that's what he's supposed to do societally, I couldn't tell you. I truly don't believe anything he says, so even though I know almost everything about him factually, I imagine I don't really know him all that well.

All that to say... is it just insane for me to try and stay married to him so I can make sure he doesn't get to have my kids alone and they don't have to go through a divorce right now but not really be invested in my marriage anymore? I realize this may change, and if it does, that's something I'll deal with in the future, but at this point I have no interest in another relationship. I just want my kids to be happy and secure and safe. I would do anything to make that happen if it is possible.

trailmix

Hi Trying, well actually that sounds like a solid idea - married but separated. You may want to consider a legal separation, if that is allowed where you live, just in case he does decide to drink and drive some time. You don't want to be liable for his actions.

Aside from that, if you can co-exist in the same house together and you think it's ok for your kids, well then why not.

Here is the catch though, do you believe that he is good for them or setting any kind of good example for them? I mean he is there, but he isn't really "there". But that's your call of course. As a bit of an aside, if you decided to actually separate, you could stipulate that he use a breathalyzer like soberlink.

I wouldn't leave the kids with him ever, you're right about that.. My Mom was married to my alcoholic Father until we were teens, she never had him take care of us or drive us anywhere.

MyGirlGracie

Trying... all I hear is you are trying to take care of your kids and do the best for them. That is great and perfect, just what a good parent does. What about you? Who is making sure you are OK?

You have already admitted that your husband is a great guy, EXCEPT for the drinking, EXCEPT for the lying, EXCEPT for the laziness and no real help part, EXCEPT you cannot trust him. I understand completely where you are and where your point of view is based, but it resonates with me that you are diminishing what is needed in a partner and you are downplaying the impact this can have long-term on your kids. They are learning that it is OK to lie to your spouse, it is OK to do nothing around the house because Mom will take care of it, it is OK to be irresponsible because nothing bad ever happens to you.

I think you deserve more than that and I want you to have more than that.

ToughChoices

I legally and physically separated from my late XAH about a year before I pursued divorce. While separated we dated and co-parented to a certain extent. It was a good change for me.

I, too, was hesitant to divorce a functional, generally kind, but broken person. But, the truth is that addiction doesn’t stay functional. It progresses. Functional is a stage that will be BLOWN through sooner or later if drinking continues.

Eventually, I became more afraid of the legal and emotional consequences of staying tied to my ex than I was of separating. I stipulated 24 hours of sobriety (tested with a breathalyzer reading back then, SoberLink, now) prior to childcare/visitation, and he threw a HUGE fit. But it worked.

I was actually surprised by how little my ex chose to see our son. Alcohol won. That hurt my child, but I think it hurt less because he had a safe, sober home with me. I always emphasized alcoholism as a disease. My ex husband SUFFERED, and my son grew up with (some degree) of understanding of that suffering. He knew that dad was absent because he was unwell, not because my son wasn’t enough. Damage was still done. No way around it. But I am certain it would have been more damaging for us to stay and keep a front-row seat for the misery.

Separation doesn’t mean divorce for everyone. One of my good, sober friends in AA is 35 years married to his Al-Anon spouse, and they lived apart for 2 years while he began recovery. Recovery can SAVE a family, but continued drinking will certainly harm EVERYONE in proximity.

You sound intelligent and motivated by love. You will be ok. Your kids will be ok. I don’t know what’s best for you, but, for me, staying loyal to a man whose sole affection was devoted to a substance, was soul-crushing. I didn’t want to model that relationship for my child. I didn’t want to live that life for myself.

Take care of your one, precious life.

JanuaryStrlight

Man, it's amazing what we normalize and tolerate. Lying, laziness, emotional neglect. I know people who have kicked their spouses out for less, with no chemicals involved. How is it that we become so resistant to these things, even diminishing and downplaying them, and removing our own needs from a relationship? Good Lord.

I really commend how beautifully you've put your kids first. That's such a great thing for them and it really speaks to your strengths as a parent. I'd also like to say I'm so sorry to hear about your best friend and wish your dad a speedy recovery. <3 Sending lots of hugs and love.

Please remember you deserve more. You have needs and should be cared for, too. Your husband is in denial and needs help--badly. Just because there's no violence doesn't mean there aren't bad things unfolding--and his lying and neglect absolutely constitute mistreatment.

Hang in there and please feel free to seek support here. <3

Amaranth

Hi Trying
I totally understand why you want to stay and keep the family together. There is always the chance your husband will see the light and find recovery,
I stayed to keep the family together. It kind of worked for a while. My then husband worked away a lot and I got goats. We lived quite seperate lives. I don't think the kids really noticed.
But there comes a time when it's just unbearable. The neglect. The lack of support. No help with the kids. Constant criticism. No money was a big one for me but may not be in your case. I ended up very, very unwell and actually totally destroyed emotionally. Because I made a conscious decision to stay I didn't think about leaving or what that would look like so when I actually did leave, very suddenly, I had no plan. I wasn't emotionally prepared for leaving and had no idea what I was doing.
Staying and living seperate lives, yes, it's nice for the kids, It may seem easier than leaving and at the moment it probably is. When staying becomes harder than leaving, and I reached that point over night, it would be helpful to have some kind of idea of what your life would look like. Look after your emotional health. Its easy to put everyone else's needs first and allow yourself to become totally drained without even noticing.
Do you attend Al-anon or Coda?
You mention your husband reaching a bottom. I thought it was a matter of time till mine reached his. It was me that hit bottom though. And it hurt.